Views on toxic families

[calmshell]

Have you ever needed to sever contact with a parent (s) or family member, due to abuse or manipulation from them? Was it beneficial for you? I wonder where one draws the boundary of entailing abuse from a parent/family member, when we always justify it in our head as 'they are family/blood' ? :( Any experiences regarding this issue appreciated.

[jleeflcntrygrl]

My mother Is a very toxic alcholic so now that I have cutt all ties with her,I am so much happier not havin that stress and negitivity in my life!

[Jinx_777]

everybody has a different line where they define toxic.  imo, when i was a kid it was NOT unusual to get a butt whooping with a belt or to be cussed out.  seems like now days if a parent say's ANYTHING negative to their child it is defined as 'emotional abuse'.  i think there has to be a happy medium between the way it used to be in 'the old days' and how it is now.  

it has got to the point where you cannot even discipline your child (never, ever was a spanker or hit my kids) for fear of 'emotionally abusing' them.

my childhood was no doubt abusive.  broken noses, busted lips and black eyes as well as chunks of hair gone.  common sense tells me that is not right and i swore NEVER to lay a hand on my kids in anger.  

the stresses of single parent families is also difficult because the mom has to be both disciplinarian and mom..  lines get blurred sometimes.

so i guess i am saying...... really ask yourself is how you are being treated acceptable to you?  love is not supposed to hurt.  

my mother is toxic and i really don't even care if i ever see her again.  not because of what she did to me as a child, but what she continues to do to this day.  i was not a good 'secret keeper' and have spoke out about the abuse as well as sexual abuse only to be ostracized by most of my family.  many because they do not want the wrath of my mom on them.  for that, i do not think i will ever forgive.  i have never sat silent while my mom is pummeling one of us.  never will.  

[TTinKKerBBell]

I understand (now, as an Adult) that the reason We "blame" OurSelves for the abuse is because We are Children and it doesn't occur to Us that something is "wrong" with Mommy.  I grew up believing I was not only 'unloved' but unloveABLE.  "Something" was wrong with me.  This was SUCH a strong influence that it caused Me to stay in a HORRIBLY abusive Marriage for 15 years.  The worse I was treated, the harder I tried to be 'good', to be 'liked' to be LOVED.  At the age of 30 (15 years of abuse from my Mother and 15 more from my Husband) I was able FINALLY to walk away.  (this was NOT easy - it was one of the hardest mountains I've climbed).  It took Me a very long time to come to 'terms' but what worked for Me was to look at this in a more 'clinical' way than I was able to do while I lived it.

I came to realize that "love" isn't DNA.  We are able to love People through out Our lives that We don't share DNA with (Husbands, Adopted Children, StepChildren, etc., etc.).

I realize that nothing 'SACRED' happens when a Sperm and an Egg meet - that's just BIOLOGY.

and this one is really BIG for Me:
My Mother didn't 'pick' Me and I didn't 'pick' Her either.  It's okay, really, REALLY okay if We don't like each other.

AND

We walk away from strangers who abuse us.......

These things have brought me peace

[thatquietgirl]

My dad is a piece of work who has done nothing but use and emotionally abuse my sister and me throughout our entire childhoods and even to this day.  I had to move out of my parents' house and in with my boyfriend and his dad because of the severity of his negative impact on my life and those around me.  I've not gone as far as severing contact completely, though I limit it as severely as I can get away with (meaning, I usually only will see him if it's something like his birthday or Father's Day or if he happens to be home when I go to visit my mom and sister).  It has helped some, but I do think I will need to draw the line eventually as it brings anger and hurt and negativity into my life that I don't need.  At the very least, when my boyfriend has found a job and we actually get to a point where we can afford a wedding, I believe the tie will be severed simply by the fact that I will not let him walk me down the aisle.  That honor will belong to my mom, as she has been very supportive through the years and has been true to her marriage vows--unlike him.  I will tell him he can come, but aside from that, I can't.  He will be very upset, and it may be the straw that breaks the camel's back.  I used to be apprehensive at the idea, but now it just brings a sense of peace as I have seen what severing the majority of our contact has done to help me in maintaining my emotional and mental health.

I think you have to do what is right for you in your situation.  Being family or blood is not an excuse for someone to abuse you physically, emotionally, or any other way.  It will only negatively impact your life and delay healing the longer you let it continue.  It's hard.  I will tell you that.  Especially if you have childhood memories which have been dashed by realization of abuse, memories in which everything seemed so happy.  But it's worth it to work toward getting away from that.

[specialmom]

Whew, really good question clamshell.  Family can indeed be toxic and it's so sad when that is the case.

I would say that my dad is a little toxic.  He can be distant emotional (okay, vacant completely) and yet very demanding and hurtful at the same time.  He expects so much with giving virtually nothing.  It greatly upset me for many years.  All through my 20's and part of my 30's, I tried to 'fix' it.  Then it was a priest that really moved me into my current thinking.  I went to confession.  I was confessing yet again how I'd failed.  Something about toxic people always makes you feel that it is YOU that are failing.  This priest in the kindest way possible said "to me, it sounds like you've tried.  You've tried very hard.  I think for you can rest now."  He told me he would not pray with me to forgive me for my failed relationship with my dad.  He said it wasn't my fault.  That no one is perfect but because I was so hurt and wanted things to be different so badly, that I could not be to blame for the state of things.  So, I did not need to ask for forgiveness.  

This changed everything for me.  I HAD tried.  I know this in my heart.  Some people have issues.  That's how I see my dad.  HE has some issues.  So, I stay in contact, see him, etc.  But have no expectation of him being that sweet daddy everyone wants.  It's not him.   And my emotional attachment to him myself has been set free.  My life is good.  I am happy. I'll never be close to my dad and I've stopped wanting that.

Anyway, that's a really personal story.  But yes.  I think we can have those that routinely hurt us exit our life and be justified to do so.  

It's best to try to work on things but you can't always 'fix' everything.

peace