puzzled

[susay]

Hi
I have been married for 22 years with 4kids. I can say all those years I'm here still hoping that my H will be a responsible and caring father and husband. I know that he loves me and the kids but he is just inconsiderate. So many times it happened those years that he will just be gone for weeks and no words from him. He will just stop suddenly from his work. He was working with his father who owns a small company. His father was supporting us all those years. Once he dont get what he wants he will just stop. He has a history of cocaine addiction but at present
he stop that one. , but alcohol and marijuana still goes on and the past year his father died and from that day he once again disappear  and just come anytime he wants. I learn that there is this *****(a mama san who he live with) She is supporting him bcoz my h is jobless and has no money. I went for vacation took my youngest daughter and was thinking not to come back unless he give up all these habits expecially that *****. He follwed me and said we will have a new life so we went back here in our home but once we reach here its like nothing he started again.He got some inheritance from his father. This is the only thing which I appreciate from him coz he never played with that. He invested them in real estate saying this will be for me and him when we gt older and the kids are all stable and finish their college education. He will come home its like normal for him   but once you will mention about his dissappearance he will start to get nervous and tell me that everything he puts on my name and just I take care of the kids.But of course I;m hurt with what he is doin. He said one time he will not leave us and one day everything will go to normal. But until when kids are asking also. He neglect his responsibilities,no intention of goin back to work.He let me stop workin as well. I dont know what i will do. I can not confront him and the kids are affected of which like he doesnt care. All he is sayin is that he never played with his fathers money. He is realy supported by this ***** his drinks,clothing but he never bring here in the house something that will come from that *****. I tried to call that ***** of what she is up to with my H she just told me if I want him to go home , I come there in the bar and take him home.
I will not lower my self to do that kind of thing. Sometimes am thinking to report her to the police. Am thinking sometimes maybe my H brain is affected with the alcohol and drugs. I see all signs of having a personality disorder on him. Im telling him if he is not in love with this woman end this affair but he will reply only anger or not reply at all.
What will the future brings for my kids is what am thinking of. I stop working but I feel sometimes that he is out of his mind and dont know what he is doin. I want to persuade him to go see a doc. coz he is affected with this substance abuse but he is always on denial. He drinks a lot and smokes all the time this MJ. I love my H and I dont want to lose him but am losing hope this days that I can change him. His family said I cant change him. His father died worrying about him.I pray a lot to give me more strength and hope. for the sake of my kids.

[jo929]

I admire your stamina for putting up with him, but you know that he will never change, he has been addicted to long, and believe me i know, also if he is with other women, you need to be cautious, because he may bring a disease home,I could say leave, but then i could say lots of things, but the decision is yours to make, are you able to go back to work, try that and maybe that will help until you can decide what to do, for i know that you are hurting, and i do wish that i could offer some help, words can be so cold, but we do care, plese keep me posted    wishing you lots of luck  jo  do not lose your self esteem you are a good woman do not let him drag you down

[susay]

Thanks for ur advice. I was really thinking of that but sometimes it really make me confuse when I cant confront him and he entrust me all the inheritance from his father of which of course we are using now forour daily living and invested some in my home country only in my name. Those wayback years he dissapear but the reason is only due to drugs without any woman involve., or coz of this depression but this death of his father made it worse he found a prostitute who supports him.So this time that there is woman involve is really making me mad and frustrated although its obvious that he gets from her and he is not the giving. He comes home when he is normal talk about the future but I feel he wants to do it but once its mix up with these substance finish everything is forgotten. When we were on vacation we actually plan to go out and live somewhere else and start a new life but it was just a plan. Im losing hope but sometimes I feel that I have really to persuade him to see  adoc. I just dont know how with his kind of behaviour. He is very strict with his kids about smoking,drinking.He never allow them to do that and said that is for their own good. His father when was alive was very supportive with us. He build the house for us and once told me not to ever leave this house ,take care of it becaus if I'll go we dont know what my H will do for it.
But now I feel just stay here but keep on moving and not to think too much about him. It will come a time maybe I hope he will come to his senses that he needs to quit on this addiction. Two of my kids are in college the third one wants to go on boxing profession and the last is on high school. I guess I just have to be strong to support them until they reach on stable life. I feel sometimes like I got five kids instea of four. Anyway I thank God also for giving strength and supportive in laws. My father pass away I felt depressed also coz I lose somebody who show care and support for my kids.

[sammy73]

If this behaviour has been going on this long, it's never going to change.  He may (or may not) genuinely mean it when he says it is going to change, but he's slipped back so often that those promises mean nothing.  He clearly has addiction problems, and nothing will ever change until he quits those addictions, but he doesn't even seem interested in trying to quit so there is no hope of his behaviour changing.

I am stunned that you have put up with this behaviour as long as you have.  You have given him too many chances; he now knows that he can keep treating you like this, and you'll keep taking him back every time he feels like coming back.  How you can tolerate him living with this other woman and even consider once taking him back (let alone time and again) astounds me.  You have given him too many chances, and he's blown it too often already.

It's time to stop letting him walk all over you.  Personally I would think this is all over, and you shouldn't give him any more chances.  But, if you really do want to give him one final chance, you need to set some strict ground-rules - minimum standards which, if he doesn't agree to, it's over.  These would have to include, at a minimum, quitting alcohol and marajuana and anything else he's addicted to; enrolling in AA or some similar program; cutting all contact with this other woman he's been living with.  I doubt he'll agree to this - while this other woman is allowing him to live with her and supporting him and his addictions, life is too cushy there and he won't want to give it up.

I don't know how old your kids are, but I'm guessing if you've been married for 22 years they are not that young.  Young kids need a father, but this man sounds like so useless a father that they would be no worse off without him, so for once I won't suggest that the kids welfare and need for a father has any significance here.  His presence (or at least occasional appearance) may be doing them more harm than good, he's hardly a good role model, someone you'd want them to grow up and be like.  Kids learn from the behaviour of the adults they see around them, and you don't want your kids learning that his life is the way adults should behave.

You've been subject to his abuse and mistreatment for a long time.  I believe you would benefit from counselling, it will help you be stronger, to believe in yourself, to stand up for your own needs, and to take control of your life.