What do i do? Possibly Pregnany by another Man

[CNAfaye24]

My Husband and I have been together for about 7 years. We have 2 kids already and I am Pregnant with another. There is a 50- 50 chance this baby is not my husband's. I did something horrible obviously and  Yes, my Husband knows all about it. He is still here for me, and wants to be for the baby as well even if it is not his. I know he Loves me to death and this other man is not around at all. He lost his license and lives in another State, so that has been his excuse lately for not seeing me but otherwise talks to me daily and tells me he loves me and he'll be there for the baby, etc..

I feel like I have feelings for this Man, and I do still Love my Husband we have been through so much together and raising 2 lil girls, I just feel soooo confused on what to do here. My Husband and I have been seperated/not living together since November 2009. He wants me to come back so bad, but I feel worried that when I do  have the baby and it ISNT his, his feelings may change, or if they dont, Do i pretend that my husband is the Father of the baby and not even tell this other man? Please dont bash me, im just looking for advice, im alone, scared, and confused....thanks for reading

[Judy246]

Marriage counseling will help, because you need a mediator to get to the bottom of both your problems and also, what is it about your husband that you found it necessary to turn to another man. You have needs that are not being met, but your husband sounds like a great man who doesn't deserve such pain and betrayal. I wish you well and the only person that can help you right now is yourself. Take the first step to heal yourself, your marriage, your husband and never repeat the self destructive behavior. Judy

[specialmom]

I'm glad you came back!  I think you are making a wise choice.  Let that other man go and I think in time you will see him for what he was.  Your best shot at working through this difficult situation is a reconciliation with your estranged husband.  That is my opinion.  You have two children already with him and this child he is willing to love as his own.  You will have lots to overcome as a couple.  I would definately suggest individual counseling for yourself (and why you would want to be with that other man at all . . . how his words and actions do not match and yet you feel for him . . . ) as well as couples counseling to work through the issues you need to in order to be a couple again.  I hope for peaceful times ahead for you.  And remember, do as you say here.  You'll have weak moments, but don't give into them.  Put the children first this time.  That is my opinion.  I wish you  lots of luck!

[CNAfaye24]

Forget all the details, Sorry I confused everyone, bottom line is....I love my Husband, and also have feelings for the Other Man. I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of them, I do want to make it work with my Husband he is a great Guy and Father to my kids but I can't get this Other man out of my head. I guess counseling is the best thing to do since I do want to save my Marriage.

I've been thinking all day, and decided to tell him that I want no parts of him anymore. As hard as this may be, I feel it is the right thing to do and I am willing to do whatever it takes to save my Marriage and show my Husband that I do love him. I need counseling, I need to learn how to avoid doing things like this. Im so depressed, I feel like such a failure even though my Husband is still here and still wants it to work things out I dont understand why I would do this to him. I hope I find the Help that I need, and also hope that my Husband heals as well.

Thank You all for your care/support/opinions/understanding

[CNAfaye24]

He was the only man i had sex with yes when i conceived. I was seperated from my husband and he was the only man i was having sex with

[CNAfaye24]

My husband is in the picture, the other man is in another state, im close to the border so he's actually only 45 min away

[specialmom]

She may have left a couple of details out in her post on THIS forum but her question is the same.  She isn't sure if she should stay with her husband.  I think she should try to make it work with her husband that she says she has been seperated from.  The added information doesn't really change my original opinion.

[LosingMyMindInGA]

As another poster brought to my attention CNAFaye24 isn't quite sure WHAT her situation is.  Here is her post from the Sept 10 Babies Forum:

Okay so, I have been seeing the Father of my child for the past like 6 months. He is married, and has 2 kids already but this man freakin brain washed me....He kept telling me that him and his wife dont even have sex and blah blah blah, He wants to be the one who comes home to me and takes care of me and He still, to this day, tells me he loves me and still has sex with me but is denying he is the father by saying that he was FIXED over a year ago! Im sooooo hurt. I live in philly, PA and he lives in browns mills,NJ... Im not driving right now so it's hard for me to get there and do what i want to do.

This is THE only man I have been with! I feel like he is driving me crazy. I soooo bad want to go to his house and tell his wife that her husband has a baby coming. Would i be wrong for doing so? What would you do? Im all alone with this now and im really scared, and frankly pissed off. I want to get paternity testing done while im still prego to prove this to him. I hope my insurance covers C V S because im so pissed off. It's not that I want him in my life, i could actually care less now, but it's just sad. A father should be there for their child.



---So which story is it?  

[teko]

I think the buck stops with you. You are straddling the fence because You do not know what You want. You were married and already had two children. If you were being honest, this would not have happened and it is going to take you being honest with yourself in order to know how to move forward. There are many lives at steak here and your decision will affect all of them. If your husband is man enuff to step up to the plate knowing what you did, he is worth a second look, however, with that said, if you do not have your heart in your marriage it will not work no matter his intentions because you will be using him. Looking at the other man I must say that he does not honor marriage either and if he did neither of you would find yourselves in this situation. If you end up with him whats to say he will not accept the two little girls and just the baby that is his? I think he is not that into you. You need counseling to help you make the correct decision and you need to concentrate what is going on with you and what it is that caused you to make these bad decisions or it will only get worse.

[younggrandmother]

I'm confused?????
Posted Feb 24th
You have a husband of 7 years and 2 children, might be pregnant with lovers baby,but husband is willing to raise the baby no matter whose it is  ?
Posted in Jan.
Lover is the ONLY man you have been with, and he is married with 2 children and is a brain washer ?
Please, Please explain I'm might have read this all wrong. I'm SO..........confused?????

[mami1323]

Wow, that changes a lot of things.  I feel like you are using your husband so that your baby has a father since you've realized that the "other" man won't step up.  He didn't step up because he's married with kids.  This is just sad.

[imanaddict]

I guess a whole lot can change in a month's time! LOL!

[Judy246]

Here is another one of her post:

"Okay so I posted on Jan8th, it is now Jan30th and his whole attitude has changed. Maybe he didnt want to belive it, maybe he was scared I dont know! He now says he will definitly be in this child's life, and has never spoke about being "fixed" again lol
Im so glad that he stepped up to his responsibilities!!! He says things to me like "this could be the best thing that ever happened to us" Its so sweet, this man is makeing me fall in love with him so i HOPE he's there in the end and breaks it off with the wifey soon... "

The reality is that she has been used, fooled and disposed of. He had no intention on leaving his "wifey" and the truth is she fell in love with the other man being married herself with children. This is just pathetic and he's gone!!!

[imanaddict]

I don't understand anything about this situation after reading a post she posted in the pregnancy forum back in January:

"Okay so, I have been seeing the Father of my child for the past like 6 months. He is married, and has 2 kids already but this man freakin brain washed me....He kept telling me that him and his wife dont even have sex and blah blah blah, He wants to be the one who comes home to me and takes care of me and He still, to this day, tells me he loves me and still has sex with me but is denying he is the father by saying that he was FIXED over a year ago! Im sooooo hurt. I live in philly, PA and he lives in browns mills,NJ... Im not driving right now so it's hard for me to get there and do what i want to do.

This is THE only man I have been with! I feel like he is driving me crazy. I soooo bad want to go to his house and tell his wife that her husband has a baby coming. Would i be wrong for doing so? What would you do? Im all alone with this now and im really scared, and frankly pissed off. I want to get paternity testing done while im still prego to prove this to him. I hope my insurance covers C V S because im so pissed off. It's not that I want him in my life, i could actually care less now, but it's just sad. A father should be there for their child."

[Judy246]

Her husband gets and award for "Saint or fool" of the year. He has shows forgiveness, tolerance and courage in the ultimate of betrayals. The other man new she was married and does what they usually do, use, dispose then run. Hard situation to be in and lesson to learn. Time to do major damage control, never repeat and move forward, since there is an innocent baby in the middle of all this mess.

[mami1323]

That's why I said if he really cared, he would go to the end of the earth and back to be there.  But he seems like all talk and no action.  Her husband sounds like a gem.

[RockRose]

Unless CNA comes back,  we'll never know who is who.

She says the other man "is not around at all",  which wouldn't be how I'd describe a guy who says he'll be there forever and talks to her several times a day.  

I guess this is all water under the bridge if she doesn't come back.

[Judy246]

The other man not the husband. She wrote, "He lost his license and lives in another State, so that has been his excuse lately for not seeing me but otherwise talks to me daily and tells me he loves me and he'll be there for the baby, etc".....this is just awful and a husband worst nightmare and is aware that this baby might not be his....just a horrible situation to be in.

[mami1323]

Oh ok I thought it was the other man who lost it and isn't around for that reason. I'm confused.

[RockRose]

mami,  I think that's maybe her husband who's lost his license.  The possible other dad is completely out of the picture,  and she's been separated/not living with her husband since Nov. 2009.  

Or anyway,  who knows.  I wish she'd call them John and Bob so it would be easier to follow.

[mami1323]

So let's just play devil's advocate here, if this other man didn't lose his license would you have chosen to stay with him?  Because the way you made it sound was the only reason why you aren't with him is because he can't come see you.  Which I think is an awful reason.  It should be you saying I can't do this because I want to make my marriage work.  Which I can understand your confusion but what's holding you back from working on your marriage?  Is it that you don't know who the father of the baby is?  Is it that your feelings for this other man are stronger than you thought?  You have to figure out what is the real reason why you don't want to work on your marriage.  From how it sounds, your husband is amazing.  Forgiving someone for betraying you takes great strength.  Forgiving someone for betraying and then staying to raise a child conceived during the time of infidelity, well that's beyond strong, that's saintly.  I think you owe your husband a lot more than what you are giving.  So my opinion is, cut off all contact with this other man.  Change your phone number so that you don't have to hear all these "I love you's" from him and feel bad or tempted into speaking with him.  If he wanted to be there, a suspended license wouldn't hold him back.  There is a thing called, buses and trains.  So if he really cared for you the way he says he does, he would go to the end and earth and back to see you.  I wouldn't even bank on him really trying to be there when the baby is born.  Re-commit to your marriage, seek counseling and try to move on with your husband.  I think you owe it to everyone in this situation to try and make this work.

[RockRose]

I can't even really tell what's going on here.

Who calls you every day to say they'll "be there"?  Is that your husband,  or the other guy?  Who ever that is who lives in another state is in fact NOT going to "be there",  you can't really be there from hundreds of miles away.

It sounds like you aren't really in a relationship with either man.  

[specialmom]

I think you have to look at this situation realistically.  Did you have the affair with this man after you were seperated from your husband?  That would be better than cheating on your husband, but you still allowed yourself to get pregnant.  You say you love your husband but have left enough opening to have feelings for another man as well.  You seem very confused to say the least.  What should you do . . .?  

Well, the man who may or may not be the father of the baby is out of the picture in my opinion.  Not being there because he lost his wallet or something like that means . . . he is NOT there.  He has shown  you a lack of character.  Your husband on the other hand is showing you that he loves you and is willing to work it out.

If you still have feelings for your husband and think you could make it work---------  I'd go in that direction.  I'd go to marriage counseling as the other smart people have said and throw your all into this marriage.  I'd not get a DNA test as your husband says he will raise this child as his own and it could be his.  Being a father is not biology but loving a child and being there for them.  You also have other children this man that would want the family to be one unit.  I think you have a responsibility to all kids (even your in utero child) to give that marriage its best shot.  

The feelings for the other  man will fade if you cut off communication and put your focas on you husband.  This is just my opinion.  goodluck

[Judy246]

I'm not going to bash you, but I am going to tell you the truth, something you are struggling with because you know that what you have done is wrong and will be paying the price for dishonesty and infidelity and and unexpected, unwanted pregnancy. You have also put your husband at risk for infections or possible STD"s by having unprotected sex.

It's important that you seek counseling to figure out why are you behaving in a permiscious way and what is it about your marriage and husband that your needs are not being met or fullfill and that you have to turn to another man and I have to add, was this infidelity worth possibly lossing your husband, children, self respect, moral values and now a new innocent life. This situation is only going to escalate with lies and "pretend" that your husband is the father of this child. That is just awful and wrong and you do not do that to another human being, least your husband. You made your bed, you sleep in it, it's time for you to face the reality of your unexceptable behavior and if your husband is willing to forgive you, so be it, but trust has been broken and he will never see you with the same eyes of trust as he did before. If he does, it will take counseling and a long time for him to begin forgiving you.

Time to "woman up" and face the consequences of your unexceptable behavior and actions. Your husband needs to know that TRUTH, you need to start living a with truth and honest, because everytime you don't, a lie will escalate, grow and get worse.

I recommend marriage counseling to sort out your problems and what is it about your marriage, husband, needs, life and now an innocent baby that is not his that needs to be addressed, discussed and how to move forward in a positive, productive, truthful manner. Good luck, because you are going to need it.

[younggrandmother]

Wow,
Counseling,
You and your husband need a marriage counselor, someone who can put every thing on the line, good and bad. You need to be honest with yourself and your feelings. You have already put your family through enough. There is no reason to go back if you don't know for sure that is what you wont.