RUDE STEP CHILDREN

[KPMS]

What do you do when ADULT step children are rude, lazy, inconsiderate? My husband and I have been married 16 years and they still are ill mannered. When they come to the house they don't help at all in putting a meal on the table let alone picking up their plates to take to the kitchen. They think they are at restaurant and I am the cook/waitress. I have gone to using paper plates and plastic silverware to  help in the cleanup. I will not do a holiday for that reason. Their mother doesn't cook unless it comes out of a box. If I had given a reason to treat me to rudely I would deserve it but I haven't.  Even the thought of having to have them in my presences get me sick. I have gone so far as actually vomiting and getting migraine headaches. They are 34 and 36 years old. I would say it's time to put on their big girl panties. All I can hope for is that Karma pays them a visit.

[specialmom]

I personally can't imagine having this much resentment toward my partner's kids.  I'd probably have a problem with that if I were her husband.  He's not the one to continue to complain to.  Get a girlfriend and vent.  But your husband loves them and would like peace in his home between the women he loves.  To me---  this would be a deal breaker in my marriage.  My kids mean the world to me and will when they are adults.  Constant complaining about them would not be acceptable.  

Anyway, wish you well.  Hope that it gets better somehow.  good luck

[RockRose]

Well,  she's already said "All has Ben discussed and brought up. Tired of beating on the issue" so I think she's already made her point abundantly clear how much she resents these daughters.

Seems to me,  everyone is getting royal pleasure out of this whole situation,  with the possible exception of the dad/husband in this picture.

The daughters are laughing behind her back at her storming around in a migraine induced fury that she's alone in the kitchen,  and the poster looks forward with relish to becoming physically sick at the thought of these women in her house,  and complaining loudly the whole time in passive/not so passive ways.

It's a relationship that works.  She hates them,  they taunt her and laugh behind her back.

I seriously think that if she were looking for a way to solve this,  she would have long ago.  Suggest they eat out,  get take out that requires extremely minimal clean up and preparation,  etc.,  are all ideas that pop into our heads quickly as a solution to reducing an irritating workload.

That is,  if you're wanting to solve the problem rather than massage it.

[AnnieBrooke]

Oh, sorry about that last fragmentary part.  I thought perhaps you hadn't ever particularly liked them and hadn't grown out of it, but then decided it was worded too harshly and that the small amount you said didn't necessarily lead to that conclusion.  I erased the thought but I can see it didn't all go away.  

[AnnieBrooke]

Nighthawk's point is also well taken -- do you ask them specifically to lend a hand with the coffee or help you clear the table, if it bothers you that much?  One time my brother-in-law pointed out to me as we were driving that the gas tank was on "Empty," and began to complain colorfully about how my sister never filled the car.  I asked, "Have you ever asked her to fill the car when she drives it?" and he and he said that no, he hadn't.  I asked why not, and he said, "I guess I'd rather be mad."

If you're not going to grant them guest status because then you would have to not care if they don't help in the kitchen, at least throw them a bone and tell them what you want them to do, they might actually be able to forestall your anger by doing it.

I'm getting the undercurrent that they were sort of the penalty you had to pay if you wanted to marry their dad, and you thought they owed you the kind of app

[AnnieBrooke]

It just sounds the poster doesn't see or treat her (adult) stepchildren (who she did not raise) as guests  One doesn't expect guests in one's home to jump up and clear the table, but the poster does expect this of these two, even though they are not children who are learning to be a team with the family and clean up their messes, they are women in their 30s, visiting to see their father (I assume that is why they come, as it is hard to see them knocking themselves out to see a stepmom who thinks they are "rude, lazy, inconsiderate, ill mannered" and gets migraines from their presence.)  I don't think there is a general playbook in which it states that someone who was already of legal age when their dad remarried and for whom 16 further years have gone by, is required to clear the table or make the coffee.  It might happen naturally in some families because the daughter would want to be in the kitchen talking to her mother, but in my family if I got up at my sister's house (or my mother's) to make coffee she would be insulted, and if I leaped up to clear the table it would make her uncomfortable.  

The poster does not explain how often these women come over.  Perhaps the problem is that they come too much, and the poster is getting tired of feeding them.  If that's the case, it's up to the women's dad to take them out and give his wife a break.  But staying stuck in anger and resentment is only going to harm the person feeling it.

[Londres70]

Why are you even entertaining them if they make you feel this bad?  Let your husband deal with them by himself in a restaurant OR in your home.  I would make myself scarce when they come over; like not be home or be busy in another room away from them.

I disagree that they should help you with cleanup, etc.  They are guests; not hired help.

[specialmom]

Oh, I don't think it is their responsibility either anniebrooke.  I think it is just such a strange situation that after all these years, the issue is that the don't do dishes.  

When I invite people over, I like to clean up myself.  They are there to enjoy themselves---  and I don't want to take away from that.  And if it was the only time my kids got to see their dad, I'd give them a chance to sit and chat with each other while I did dishes as some special time together.  I'd do that out of love for my husband.  

[Nighthawk61]

I agree that you're angry enough, and as it is making you sick you should make yourself happy. If you're not getting any happiness from seeing the girls, do let them spend their time with their dad. It shouldn't be a problem. (unless it is for your husband, you haven't mentioned what he would think of you going AWOL).How do you think your husband would feel if you decided you wanted no part of entertaining his girls?

I'm wondering still though, and I hope you don't mind my asking again. Have you ever brought it up to these girls, that you'd like their help with dinner ? or asked them to help clear the table or make coffee ? or have you angry because they have not thought enough of you to ask you themselves on their own?

And again, wondering if you could also answer AnnieBrookes question too. Do you get angry and resentful when you invite other friends over to dinner if they don't get off their butts, and clear their plate, or is it only the step children that irk you?

[AnnieBrooke]

I mean, do you get this angry and resentful when you invite other friends over to dinner if they don't get their butt off the chair and clear their plate, or is this fury reserved for your stepkids?  It just seems like it's not worth you being so hostile.  Let them get together with their dad where someone else is doing the cooking, and you don't have to be there.

[AnnieBrooke]

I'm in the minority here, I guess.  I don't see that it is their responsibility to help do the dishes when you invite them to dinner.  I never expect my guests to do so.  It would probably be different if this was someone you saw once a week and they showed up with spouses and kids and dog, but your story doesn't sound like that.  It sounds like you don't particularly like them and are feeling forced into entertaining them and that they pick up that the whole thing is tense and don't act to assist.  Maybe they don't know what to do, maybe they don't know you are all wound up over the dishes, but certainly they know you're not happy.  Why they even come I am not sure except they probably do want to see their dad.

Why not suggest to him that he take each kid out (separately) to a restaurant every now and then, so they can have a nice talk, and you stay home and enjoy yourself reading People magazine and watching something trashy on TV that you never get to watch because he is around and eat chocolates?  I like evenings like that, when I can just loaf.  And he'll get to see his kids, and you won't be doing all that work and resenting them.

[specialmom]

I'm kind of with rockrose on this one.  I'm sorry you are having such difficulty but think they must irk you in general for this to cause so much anger on your part.  PLUS, they see it as going to a parents house where its the only place they probably get to be a 'kid' in some aspects again.  I let down my guard and am not the perfect 'guest' with all the formality when I go 'home'.  But they are not seen as people you view as family but more as guests.  I get it---  I have a single brother in law that seems to be lacking in some social skills.  He doesn't live near us so we rarely see him and we wait on him like he is king when he is here.  Oh well, such is life.  He's my husband's brother.  It's not that big of a deal.  I choose not to be angry.  Takes a lot less energy.  :>)  good luck

[Nighthawk61]

Boss coming for dinner.

[Nighthawk61]

One thing that i'd be interested to know.. is this. Have you asked them help in the kitchen with the salad? or have you asked them to help make coffee and put the dessert out? or just to bring in their dishes? Have you discussed it with your husband, that you would prefer that the girls not stand on ceremony and help with supper? You can't get what you don't ask for in this life, especially with children. The fact is, that this is not your boos that's coming for dinner, it's a family eating together, And part of that is about everybody feeling involved.

[KPMS]

All has Ben discussed and brought up. Tired of beating on the issue

[Nighthawk61]

I do get why it would bother you that these girls have not lifted a finger to help with dinner or dishes in the sixteen years that you've been making dinner for the family. I do. My 28 year old son, always asks me if he can help in the kitchen. Sometimes i tell him to relax and watch tv, and often i welcome our working together to make a meal for ourselves. I know that no matter where he goes for dinner, he offers to help make dinner and not stand on ceremony with his friends. He'll also bring dessert , wine or a hostess gift when he and his wife are invited by friends to dinner. He does this because he was raised to help cooking. His not acting entitled or lazy was as a result of how he was raised. He is known to be an educated, thoughtful friend whose a joy to have round. When he travels he prefers to stay in air b&b's , so that he can feel like part of the family in whatever country he is travelling to, because he enjoys being part of a whole, rather than just having the money to pay people to "serve" him. The reason why i'm talking about my son, is because it is because he was not raised to be entitled, that he is a well rounded individual.

The point i'm making is this. I feel sorry for these girls. They are missing out on so much. Firstly , they are missing out on having a close relationship with the women that their dad loves. As it stands, they are so far, being put up with by you. It's not a happy event when they come over, obviously. They know they are not truly welcomed especially since you've decided to use paper and plastic when they come over. Sure, they get to be entitled and feel served, but they don't get any of the good stuff. And if they act this way in your home, they probably act this way everywhere they go. And so , they'll get the same results over and over. Never really feeling a part of anything. Not knowing what it really feels like to be a truly welcomed guest. You see? Their loss , not yours.

As for you, you can maybe rethink how you feel about these girls, or continue on with your plan to never have holiday dinners at home, and never try to make a difference in their lives. If you continue on the way you're going, why not be true to yourself, and give them a consequence to their ignorance, by choosing not be the hostess at all.? Why not tell their dad that you just don't like them, they make you sick, and you want nothing to do with them? Finish it. It's your choice. Do you want to try to make things better, because you understand that these girls lost out on proper parenting,? Or do you want to bail, and take some time to yourself when they visit.? Let their dad and them bond without you there? It's up to you.

[KPMS]

You have said things very well. I will be finding things to do when they're around as my health is more important to me than they are. If I don't look out for myself no one else will.

[RockRose]

They're guests in your house.  Although it would be sweet if they helped out,  they're invited guests of their father.  

These are two daughters,  that you're cooking for,  with no help and it's giving you migraines and vomiting episodes?

So,  a total of four adults to cook and clean up for occasionally?  

I'm saying this with love,  because a dear friend said this with love to me recently,  "why does that bother you"?  We were talking about a completely different issue,  but the words struck me.

So I'll pass them on to you.  Why does this bother you?  Why can't you cook and clean up a meal for a family of four,  with two being your guests?

[KPMS]

I think it is ride to go to someone's house and not get off your butt to help cleanup. After all the meal we fixed for them. No appreciation. They NEVER make a meal for their own father or me. We are getting older. Time the table is turned