Help me.

[corock]

I was taught that pre-marital sex was wrong. As a result I had few relationships (for a man). I married my first girlfriend. We were together 11 years. She left when she said I wasn't wild enough for her any more. I started dating my current wife 30 years ago. No thoughts of settling down at fist for either of us. She was dating 8 guys at the time. One day she asked if it could be only us. I agreed. We would drive by places and she would describe having sex at that spot. I ask her to stop and she did. Two years later she got pregnant. We talked about marriage. I told her not to get married if it was just because of the child. We were both in love so we wed. At this point I had to ask her to please stop seeing her old boyfriends parents. She agreed. Sex was great for a few years. She joined a church and sex went away for the most part. A time or two every other month or so. Fast forward 28 years. While out to dinner for my birthday she tells me she still loves the guy who's parents she use to stop and see. She told me she had not talked with him. Later I found she had talked with him about a job at one point. Ask why she didn't tell me, she said she thought I would be mad. Sex is now down to about once every two years. I had asked about her past and boyfriend numbers keep changing. 25 to 30 or so. My problem is I am still in love with her but not happy with the marriage at the same time. Am I a nut job for staying?

[specialmom]

Hi there.  No, you are not a nut job for staying---  this is your family you've invested almost 3 decades into.  And you love her.  I'm not sure about this situation of her telling you she loves her x.  This may be whimsical thinking on her part but is a sign that she has unhappiness in your relationship too.  What about counseling for the two of you?  It does boil down to a bigger picture than your lack of sex.  That appears to be a symptom of other issues.  Working on the other issues may improve your sex life.  

[corock]

I've talked about counseling a number of times. Same answer each time. Cant take the time to go right now. Her job is important to her. Her mother and father made sure all of their children seen their jobs as number 1.

[Nighthawk61]

I agree that the lack of sex may be a symptom of other issues in your marriage. The best way to deal with this is to go to marriage counseling and get to know what the other is thinking. Please consider this as an option, and let us know what she thinks about it. She may be really happy that you came up with the idea. It might be something that she's considered, but was afraid to ask for.

in the meantime, you could try to be more intimate with her outside the bedroom. Make it a priority to spend time with her, and let her know you want to make things better. It' would be a good start.

[Nighthawk61]

Forget about her other boyfriends, ie. how many. What does it matter really? Frankly, after 20 it's probably hard to keep specific count. Who knows if she ever even knew their right name. That was then , this is now.

It's not a good sign that on your birthday she talks about another man. It shows she's become insensitive to your feelings. Have you been insensitive about her feelings? and could it be that this was her way of getting back at you for doing so?

[corock]

I know her past boy-friends may not seem important to her. Save the one guy. But they have become so to me. After telling she still loved the one I feel like I need to know a little more about who I am married to. The number is not as bothersome to me as the lack of her not being willing to discuss it with her husband. Why was she so open when we first started dating? I am sure that I have done things that upset her but I am also quick to apologize. I am sure I stick my foot in it often.

[Nighthawk61]

  Maybe you could ask her if you both could write each other a letter to talk about how you feel about your marriage? It might open the lines of communication and make life better.

[corock]

Done that. Never got anything back. Not even a verbal answer. Gave her a present this past weekend. She asked what was it for. I reminded her it was our anniversary. She had forgot. And her I thought that was for us guys to do.

[Nighthawk61]

It's great that you reminded her that it was your anniversary. Some people don't feel the need to celebrate anniversaries, however, making the suggestion to make an anniversary celebration a tradition is charming, and i'm sure she'll come to appreciate it in years to come.

Too bad counseling is taboo, however, you can get around that by finding some good books to read, and bringing up some of the finer points in conversation.

Also, why don't you go to a therapist to handle the problems that you're having. ie. you wanting to talk about her boyfriends.  I'm wondering what came first the chicken or the egg. You say that she said she still loved her ex (I still love a couple of my exes, but those ships have sailed) on your birthday. Do you think that she told you that because of you questioning her about her boyfriends ? I mean if she doesn't want to talk about her old boyfriends are you are obsessive about talking about her boyfriends, maybe she told you she loved one of her boyfriends because she was angry and getting back at you for being so (in her mind , overly) inquisitive?

As i said, if asked, i would also have to say i still loved some men in my past. I don't think that love changes. If you love someone, you love someone. You may not be compatible with them, or you may not be "in love" or wanting to express your love sexually, but once you love the essence of a human being, i don't think it goes away. All kinds of people get divorced stating "irreconcilable differences", as opposed to "don't love them anymore".

Yeah, my best advice if i were in your circumstances, is that i would go and talk it out with a therapist. And i would take up her slack, by reading on the subject and maybe finding content that would help her to get closer to you. Your therapist will also give you advice as to how to handle your marriage. You've got all this on your plate, alone. Why not find a therapist to help you deal with it all?