Perpetual Pessimism

[wildflower77]

Does anyone have any advice on how to get your spouse to be more realistic about things?  Any time my husband is faced with a problem, instead of trying to work on it and make things better, he just goes into a downward spiral of feeling sorry for himself and taking it out on others.  It's ruining our marriage (which isn't that stable to begin with).  HELP!!!

[wildflower77]

There are affordable ways for treatment.  Trust me, I know because I have a child who has to see a counselor, a psychiatrist, and a psychologist.  We have health insurance.  His excuse is just that.  An excuse.  He doesn't want to take the medication is what the problem is.  He knows it takes a lot of trial and error and side effects to find the right one and he's just not willing to do it.  I don't know...we're going to try and talk about it tonight (again) and I'll journal about it tomorrow if you want to keep up.  I'm not unhappy per se.  Just very frustrated, resentful, and hopeless.

[specialmom]

I sense such a deep unhappiness in you.  I do admire trying to keep your marriage together but it just seems that things are at a standstill regarding any progress toward your being happy.  I suppose you could tell him the truth, that if he doesn't change X, Y and Z, see a counselor, take medication (and insurance is required in this country any minute now . . .   many prescriptions are generic that work very well, money really isn't an excuse for the cost of medication.  Therapy costs a bit but if it helps, its so valuable.  He could try the YMCA, YWCA, universities with psychology programs, clinics, etc. to find less expensive services.  Do you two go to church?  Churches often have marital counseling offered to those who belong.  Worth a try to find 'something').  But if he doesn't do these things---  the marriage will die.

then, of course, offer what you will do.  No one is perfect and certainly you have areas to change and work on too.  

But it is king of getting to a point where it feels like it is going to do more damage to all involved to be together than not.  

peace

[wildflower77]

And yeah, I'm sure he's depressed.  But will he do anything about it?  No.  He's been prescribed anti-depressants, gone to a counselor (only when he thought he was going to lose me) and never stuck with any of it long enough for it to work.  He always makes the excuse that we can't afford it I'd put a second mortgage on the house if I knew it would save our marriage and our kids' well-being, but it's not worth it to him.  He's even said things sarcastically like, "Oh here, let me go take out a loan so I can pay for my medication and a counselor." It's hard having sympathy for someone who doesn't seem to want to get better.  Just seems like all he wants is for me to feel sorry for him and keep putting up with the abuse because that's easier for him.  He gets to have someone to take his anger out on and doesn't have to put in any work.  

[wildflower77]

It's hard to be nice to someone who's constantly verbally abusing you and your kids.  I know what you mean though.  It just makes me physically angry to think that I should be supporting him right now when all he's done is make my life hell for the last 12 years.  Yes, I have a little resentment.  You know that.

[specialmom]

What about depression?  This comes to mind for him.

One thing I do that really does seem to help with my husband to open him up more is to switch things in terms of how I talk to him.  Something like "I just know you are going through a hard time.  I want to support you and be here for you.  Really, I just want you to be happy.  What can I do to be supportive to you?"  

It kind of says that this is YOUR problem and I'm here for you but not so much that you are taking on his problem OR expecting anything out of him.  

When someone is low---  they do feel bad and having partners disappointed in them just adds to the self esteem issues and problems.  So, if you take the pressure off and just play a supportive role, he may communicate more.  Then you can insert your more positive approach to the issues he's facing.  

??

[wildflower77]

Communication is at an all time low.  Any time I try to bring an issue to him in person, he reacts in anger and acts like I am just being a b!tch.  The only way I can seem to get anything through to him without a blow-out is by sending him a text or private message on facebook.  This morning I sent him a text and told him we need to sit down and have a talk without the kids around and he started going on and on about how he knows he's not making me happy and giving me all sorts of excuses why he can't (worried about his job, pissed about getting passed over for a promotion on the fire dept, health issues, etc).  He feels like he's a failure and a disappointment.  He just does not know how to handle stress AT. ALL.  Thing is, there are always going to be problems whether it be work, kids, friends, whatever.