Why am I doing this? (Cheating)

Obviously, I have no one to talk to about this. Someone please help me understand wtf is wrong with me.
Ok, to start off I am married. I have been separated over 5 years. My divorce is almost final. He was a real dirtbag, druggie loser. After I left him, I got with a great guy who treated me like a princess. We moved out of state together. 1 1/2 yrs later he committed suicide right in front of me. I moved back to my hometown and took my husband back for the final time. Nothing had changed. We split for good. Then I met a guy, who I am with now. Young, good looking, and takes care of me. Sometimes I think I love him and sometimes I look at him and want to puke. Anyway, this guy who had been after me since he helped me through my ex's suicide began talking to me online again. He has been after me for years. Finally I agree to meet him and I make up a huge lie so we can spend the weekend together. He gets the most expensive Hotel room in town, takes me out to eat, buys me expensive champagne, all that. Seriously though, nothing was there. He's 15 yrs older than me and I'm not into that. Sooo...... about a month ago I'm on myspace and I find this guy I had slept with a few times yrs ago and OMG he looked good,  like if I were to draw a pic of the perfect man, it would be him. We have a million things in common and he is my age (29, I'm 30). So of course he wants to see me again. I go over to his house, not really knowing what to expect, I mean it's been like 10 yrs since I saw him. Let's just say, we made up for lost time. And have been doing so every chance I get. Now I have convinced myself I am absolutely in love with this guy, which is really stupid for several reasons. Let's see, he lives with his mom, he's a felon, no car, raging alcoholic, I'm sure he sees at least one other girl if not several more.... and even knowing this, the few hours a week we spend together elate me so much I wonder if it's worth giving up my relationship and everything else for.

[dee270]

continued....
I know my family would be heartbroken if I left my boyfriend, things would be harder on me with bills and all, but the older guy has already made it clear if I continue to see him (which would be easy because he lives out of state) he would help me financially, I am so confused right now I don't know what to do. Part of me is saying keep things just like they are, because my time with cutiepie is so perfect right now I'm afraid to pursue anything else with him, and he's probably not interested. But he confuses me because he does things a guy who just wants sex wouldn't do, like hugging me and whispering love songs in my ear and constantly telling me I'm beautiful and taking pictures of me. He knows full well if all he wanted was sex I would go over there, give it to him, and leave. Yet he talks about wanting me to spend the night with him, cuddles with me, kisses me and stares into my eyes...... I just don't know. I wonder if it's a phase I'm going thru because I just turned 30 and I'm going thru a divorce. And I feel absolutely no guilt. Help!

[waitingwithhope]

The reason you are doing this is because you have been through so much that your vision is clouded over. Plus, the relationship with the guy who stares into your eyes is one of fantasy and not reality. That is why both of you can have that type of relationship. I think you know that if you were honest about it and thought ten years into the future and were to picture you both married--it would be a disaster  and you would see yourself crying in despair. The bottom line is, you want to be loved, adored and treated with respect. You also want that person to make a commitment to you and not to leave. You are probably craving security too. This particular man can not give it to you. And, you are probably not in the place where you are able to truly see the right man if he were to come along because you probably have moments where you feel lost and alone and desperate and have a lower self-esteem (the reason I say this is because if you felt you deserved more, you would find someone to match that). You are worth so much more than the man you are with. You are torn because deep down you know that, but you now have "feelings" for this man. And, when the fantasy dies off or you find another one that will provide the escape and magic, you will go for him too. It will be a cycle that you will find it hard to get out of. The best thing you can do is gather your thoughts, write down all the pros and cons of the relationship and be as honest as you can and ask yourself if there is anything you would be uncomfortable with in a long-term relationship. The only way to let this type of person go is to go cold turkey and create as much distance and space as possible. Someday you will look back and be thankful you did, but you will grieve this relationship for a while and give yourself the chance to do so. Make sure you set your standards high. And...take time to be alone for a while and perhaps get some counseling too. All the best.

[waitingwithhope]

p.s. I also meant to add--you owe it to your current bf too to either get out of the relationship with long-distance guy or to break it off with the current bf. Don't try and hang onto your current bf because it looks good that way or it is comfortable and your family approves, etc.. If you want someone else, you can't drag this guy along in it all--he's going to get hurt and it would be unfair to him to do that. Just make sure that the someone else--is truly worthy of you and will nurture a healthy relationship with you.

[jojo24]

I agree with the above poster about a lot of things.  First and foremost, I would like to say that you are a strong woman to have gone through your ex commiting suicide in front of you.  I would have lost my mind.  But I think that it is a security thing with both of them.  You have a man in your life who takes care of you financially and also gives you emotional support, and then you have this other man in your life who takes care of your physical needs and makes you feel special.  But you can't have your cake and eat it too.  This will not work.  First of all you need counseling if you haven't gotten it already.  You went through something very traumatic that needs to be addressed.  Second, I think that you should break it off with both of these men.  You shouldn't worry about what your family is going to think and you are a grown woman who should be able to support herself financially.  And I see nothing good coming from the fantasy guy.  Sure he's cute and everything but he's a felon who lives with his mother.  I'm probably the most non-judgemental person out there, but the truth is, it's difficult to get a decent career when you have a felony on your record.  Besides, if he's seeing other women even at this point when he's making you feel this way, he's probably not going to stop.  Bottom line, if you stay with the older guy you are going to hurt him because you don't feel the same way about him that he does about you, and with the guy your age, you may end up resenting him in the future because he has a record and things will be harder.  Take the time to focus on you.  I hope what I said makes sense.

[marra]

hi , i think you need to be alone for a while to sort your head out , you obviously dont want your current bf else you would not have gone looking elsewhere howevere the new guy is not what you want either he is just a f uck buddy ! you need to get some support and get your emotions straight then you can look for someone who you really deserve that will be good for you and supprt your needs . you deserve so much better x x x

[PlateletGal]

waitingwithhope --- well said ! And I also agree with jojo --- I think the poster needs counseling.

[sparkeler]

You need to dump your current boyfriend and seek counseling for the tumultous times you have experienced in your life.  Until the guy your "inlove" with straightens up his act, keep it sexual, if you can, with no strings attached.  You do need therapy though like everyone else has suggested.  You are entitled to be in a relationship where you are loved and respected and you love and respect him.  You are good enough for that you know.  Learn and believe it.

[dee_270]

Well, I'm back. I lost my password and had to create a new username. This affair is still continuing, although I see him less frequently now, due to his job (accorcing to him). My dream guy got another girl pregnant and still wanted to see me on the side until he moved in with her. I was like, wtf? I mean, my self worth is certainly higher than that. I need to be able to at least fool myself into thinking there is a chance of something more happening. A month later he wound up leaving her and we decided to see each other again. Anyway, about the guy, he stopped drinking and got a car, but still lives with mom. But he's still a womanizer, I'm almost sure. When I had to break it off with him because of the pregnancy situation I cried in bed for 3 weeks. I have so much love for this guy. We went out on a date 3 weeks ago Friday and I havent seen him since, although he keeps in touch via Myspace. I don't know what to do. I want to be with him so bad but the rational part of me tells me I would be completely miserable.. But who really knows? I don't want to leave the security of my boyfriend and the life I'm used to only to be dumped or worse in a month. Plus my child has grown more attached to him. But on the other hand, it just isn't there with my boyfriend. To this day, even a message from the other guy gives me butterflies in my stomach. When I'm on my way to see him I get so excited and nervous sometimes I get physically sick to my stomach. I am so confused.

[Confused-one]

I know you probably don't want to hear this but from what I can see you are not really in love with this man nor he with you. You are infatuated and what you are in love with is the idea. Have you tried truly giving your boyfriend a chance? Make plans and ask him to go on a date with you and tell yourself you will enjoy it, treat him with that same love and care that you are giving to this other man even if you have to pretend, take him home and make love to him with the same love, sweetness, whatever it is you are giving to this other man and don't let this other man enter your thought if you can help it. Just try to focus on you and your boyfriend and how great you can be together, no negative thoughts. Just try it, see how it works. Your boyfriend obviously cares for you and you owe it to him to at least try with him or let him go. Hope this helps

[RockRose]

Dee,  you only get one shot at life,  and you're blowing it.  

Completely.  

I didn't even read all your words because in fact,  I only get one shot at life too and I'm not willing to spend 1/2 hour on someone who is throwing theirs away.  

[mayflowers]

Ok, I couldn't read through it all but something struck me abt what I've been able to read so far.  All the men you have chosen to be with are losers.  The first hubby-a druggie, The old guy that would do anything to have you?  no self-esteem 'cause he's desperate.  The boy-toy that you claim to love and are cheating with on your regular bf?  He's a mess.  And I would even go out on a limb here and say that your regular "boyfriend" must have some issues too because he has no idea what you're doing?  He doesn't ask where you go when you go to your boy-toy's house - the one that lives with his mother and didn't have a job & got another girl pregnant- yeah, that's the one.  Either he is stupid, easy, or is doing the same to you (yeah, it's been known to happen).

Here is what I think is wrong with you.  You choose men that are broken because you are broken inside.  Misery loves company.  And you probably like drama too.  Makes life interesting.  The sad thing is that you are a train wreck waiting to happen.  GET OUT of all relationships, get your own place with your child, be alone for 1 yr and work on your issues.  It's going to take longer than 1 yr but that's a start.  I'm not sure if someone like you could ever meet a normal man, you certainly won't the way you are going.  At least it's worth a try.

[Cosmogal]

He is like junk food to you or worse like crack cocaine. It is not love, it is about losing yourself in a bottle of alcohol. It numbs the pain because you can't deal with reality. You have been traumatized and you need to seek a counselor. He is there only for a source of comfort and escape. Please seek help. When someone you love commits suicide and does this in front of you it is extremely damaging to you. This happened to my sister and she has had to go through tremendous counseling. You have confused love. This boyfriend that you have now is good to you yet you find him repulsive. You have blinders on about love. This other guy has treated you like property and used you yet the other has not done that. How can that be love? Its not love at all. Unless you seek professional help, you will never be able to understand what love is. I hate to say it but real love doesn't continue to give you butterflies. Real love comes from security and sense of committment, trust and loyalty. The butterflies you feel are those of an addiction to a person. A person that doesn't respect you. Don't waste your time on someone who won't waste theirs on you!
Good luck!
Paula

[misscloey]

You sound like a total user to me. I think it is you, not them.

[dee_270]

Wow, a few harsh answers and a few really good ones. Just to clarify, my husband became a meth addict 3 years after we married.  When we got married all he did was smoke marijuana. He didn't even drink.
Anyway. I have been in therapy since 3 years or so before my ex committed suicide. I have very bad nerves which I take 5mg of xanax a day for. I've been depressed since I was 13-14 or so (I'm 31 now) and back then my parents didn't believe in teenage mental illness. I begged them to get me help but they said I was being weak and get over it. We were also very short on money, which may have factored in that. Then I began cutting, which I do to this day if I get in  a certain state of mind. My arms are covered with scars. But that's a whole other issue altogether. Honestly, I think it's possible I am the world's biggest F-up sometimes. As for my boyfriend, I'm sure he knows what I'm doing when I'm with the other guy. Especially since he found a video I accidentally left on my camcorder. I felt awful, because I didn't want to hurt him, but at the same time I have needs he does not meet. He takes hydrocodone for a back injury and it severely affects his ability to, how should I say this, perform in bed. And he's only 24. Another thing that may be coming into play with this mess is not even a month after my beloved committed suicide I was riding home from the store with a friend and she slammed into a parked car, causing me to hit my head HARD. I have suffered severe memory loss ever since then. My mother, who is the best mom anyone could ask for, has to help me keep track of all my appointments, call and remind me to do this and that, etc.
Sometimes I think when I lost my man to suicide that was it for me. It's very hard to feel emotion now. The other guy is the only person besides my family who can evoke strong feelings in me. That is why I know the relationship with my boyfriend is doomed. I just don't know what to do. Some of you have suggested being single for a while, but I absolutely cannot function without a man to take care of me. I'm not the working type, I've had a job for over 10 years and it's the only thing I can do, but the hours are very limited. 5-10 a week usually. The pay is great but not enough to support myself on. I wish I could just turn these feelings for the other guy off and concentrate on my boyfriend. I should also add that I am his first girlfriend, ever. He was molested by his mother, who is a disgusting slut who would have sex in front of her children and preform oral on them not to mention letting her many, many boyfriends molest them as well. Even for all that he turned out pretty well, he's never physically abused me and I think he would rather die than cheat on me. Most women would kill for that type of man and here stupid me is, throwing it all away. But I'm just not attracted to him anymore. I don't even like for him to touch me, because in my mind I'm in love with the other guy and he's the only one I can think of. I fear if I don't get out of this soon I am doomed to a miserable life. Also, and I don't think anyone asked this, I was never abused by my parents. I never even so much as got a spanking as a child. My dad jokes now maybe that is what's wrong with me. I have a good relationship with them, I'm an only child, and I was always told as a child I was the prettiest, smartest, etc. And my parents are together to this day. For my life I just can't figure out why I'm such a mess. I've never had a drug problem, only drink rarely, have never done hard drugs, I only take xanax, which yes, I am addicted to but the Dr. has me on that so I don't consider that drug abuse. Well, that's all I can think of for now. And again I appreciate everyone's concern. I am reading each and every reply carefully and hopefully some good will come of this. I obviously want to change things but I just dont know how.

[misscloey]

I do not mean to sound so harsh. What I am saying is this... I think that you need to learn to love yourself. I am VERY sorry about all the tragedy you have suffered in your life. I certainly do not mean to down play this situation or make you feel any worse. It sounds to me though, like you are running in circles trying to find someone, anyone, who will make you feel "good or complete". I hope you do not think I am crazy but have you ever considered GOD? Do you believe in God? I can tell you this...I have had some pretty hard times in my life, when I was at my lowest point and there was nothing else, God was my only hope. I started asking him for help. Praying to him and believeing that my life could be better. I am not overly religious, I do not believe in hocus pocus. I attend church several times a month. But... I can tell you that this is THE ONLY thing that helped me. I have overcome some very bad times and very bad situations in my life. I am now happier than ever, m,y marriage and family life are very pleasant and I am at peace with "who I am". This is priceless!
I certainly wish you the best, and hope that you can find some direction in your life. You truly sound like a wonderful person who is "lost". Don't give up girl! You will make it.

[dee_270]

Religon isn't an option for me. When I was 11 I decided there was no "god" and that was the end of it. I just cannot believe in christianity when the bible is so full of contradictions. It just isn't in me. I'm not trying to slam you religion, if it works for you, that's great. A lot of times I have wished I could be one of those happy church types but I can't fake it. It's just not in my heart.

[misscloey]

I am not religious! Religion and believing in God are two totally different things. Religion is 'man made" it is a set of 'rules" that one must follow to be part of a 'religion". Personally I think religion is a joke. I am not a 'churchy" type either. I have questioned myself a few times also, about God. Is he really there, does he exist?
You do not have to go to church to talk to God, that is the beauty of it. You can sit in your car, or living room and talk to him. Who needs a middle man? A church is great if that is your thing. Personally it is not mine. I go for my children, they enjoy it. I have to tell you, that God is in your heart if you just open it to him.
Just humor me one time, and say a prayer for yourself. Then try it again, then again. If you just ask for help you will be amazed at what happens to you!
Enough of that, I hope you can find some way to find some inner peace for yourself. You sound like you are really tormented inside. I am happy that you have a great family, that is a great tool for you to build upon. Do your parents have anything to say about all this?
Maybe like someone else said, you should give your boyfriend a fair shake. He sounds like he must be a pretty good guy who cares about you. Do you think he cares about you, or do you feel like a "kept" woman? I know how you feel about the other guy, it is hard to shake that feeling for someone who makes you feel so "alive".
But... is he really what is best for you? He sounds like he probably is not. If your child likes your bf, what is the problem? I think that you have turned your back on him because you want this other guy so bad. I wish I had an easy answer for you.  

[chellybeans]

you need to work on your co-dependency issues and stop looking for men to support you. what will you do in the future if you find yourself single? will you just bounce man to man because you don't think you have self worth? i hate to sound harsh, but what i hear from you is alot of excuses for why you need to do what you do, why you don't want to change and so on. you were so offenede that the guy you cheat on your boyfriend with wanted to see you after he got someone else pregnant, but you said before that you knew he saw at least one other girl. what else did you expect?  it sounds like you may have a bit of obsessive behavior going on towards that guy, in my opinion.

i have a friend like you, she is always trying to explain the reason she did some irrational thing by saying "well so and so did such and such to me and i am such a f--k up" i'll tell you what i tell her. you are the captain of your own destiny, you control your future and you are the only one who can make choices in your life, whether they are positive or negative, there is no one else to blame for what you do, no one at all. no car wreck , no horrific loss, just you. you have to love yourself and move forward, taking the painful lessons life has taught you and putting them to use. be a productive member of society and learn to depend on yourself. you are honestly the only person you can rely on all the time. you do not deserve to feel like less of a person, so don't allow it to happen. don't be less of a person. be a strong powerful woman. be the woman you are deep inside beneath all this exterior junk.

religion is not for me either, i am agnostic, so i understand that, but you need to believe in something, so believe in yourself. it starts there.

[misscloey]

Wow. Well said Chellybeans. Straight to the point and very well put. Dee, you should really understand that you and only you can change your destiny. If you don't believe in God, then like chellybeans said, find something to believe in. I hope that you take some of this advice and use it to your advantage. We may all not believe in the same things, or even have the same advice for you. But, we all care and want to help. So you need to take what you can use and get to it. You really do need to start by taking a good long hard look at yourslef. Go back and read your posts and try to look at this from an objective view point.
You talk in circles sometimes. Alot of what you dont want done to you, you do to others. Wow. How about taking some accountability for what YOU do. You sound like you want to place blame on your past for the way your life is. That is a nice idea, and to some may be true. But, I believe that life is what you make it. Like chelly said turn all that adversity into something wonderful. Learn from it and grow from it. Find a way to make your life better by finding out who you really are. Stop placing blame on every circumstance and person that crossed your path. Whether you are christain or agnostic or black, white, red blue or purple you can change your life and make it better.

[dee_270]

I really appreciate everyone's advice. I have read and re-read it trying to decide what to do. Unfortunately earlier tonight I was unable to control myself and texted my guy which ended up in me going over there, where he hugged me and kissed me (and other things) and made me feel like the most special girl in the world. I truly believe I have the purest love for him in my heart. If I were to sit down and write a list of everything I want in a man, he would fit it perfectly. Unfortunately, if I were to make a list of the qualities I can't tolerate in a relationship, he would also fit that one perfectly too. I keep telling myself if it's meant to be, it will happen. He has told me he loves me twice, so there has to be something there. I believe we were almost there before the pregnancy thing. We were seeing each other about once a week and things were going well. He probably resents me for breaking it off but I had to for my own sanity. I just don't know. I really don't. Yesterday I tried to call him and he didn't answer so I cried in my bedroom for an hour until my girlfriend came in and made me stop. Someone mentioned my parents and how do they feel about this. I am an only child and they aren't thrilled, as they adore my boyfriend as well, but they will cover for me when I go out with him. My mom, who is my best friend, regularly asks about him and warns me if I get caught I'm going to be f'ed. Honestly the only thing holding me back from really going full throttle and pursuing an actual relationship with my dream guy is I don't think he would take care of me financially and I require that in a man. I guess I'm just a weak person. I thought this was only infatuation at first but this has been going on for 7 months and my feelings only get stronger. All I want is to be happy and I don't think it will ever happen for me.

[mayflowers]

Yes, 7 months is a long time to feel something so it must be real.  You should keep seeing both guys b/c you really can't do any better than either of them.  Plus, it's the mature thing to do.

[chellybeans]

"I am an only child and they aren't thrilled, as they adore my boyfriend as well, but they will cover for me when I go out with him."

what the heck kind of example is that? no one should be covering for you, you are an adult!

"My mom, who is my best friend, regularly asks about him and warns me if I get caught I'm going to be f'ed. "

you should be f'ed, so you'd be forced to depend on yourself and not be dragging other people into a situation, making them lie for you, so you can be devious!

"Honestly the only thing holding me back from really going full throttle and pursuing an actual relationship with my dream guy is I don't think he would take care of me financially and I require that in a man. "

then why are you stringing the BOYFRIEND along? you are being very selfish and inconsiderate and it is time to grow up.


"I guess I'm just a weak person."

by CHOICE!

" I thought this was only infatuation at first but this has been going on for 7 months and my feelings only get stronger. All I want is to be happy and I don't think it will ever happen for me"

obsession and fantasy. it's your job to make you happy, not anyone elses. in the real world women don't live off of sugar daddies. stop making excuses and get a backbone.

"He has told me he loves me twice, so there has to be something there"

do you know how many guys will use those words to get your pants off? i mean seriously, learn to love yourself hun.

i know i seem harsh, and i could pick apart everything you say, but the point is not to point out what you're doing wrong, just that you need to realize you say absurd things as an explanation for your bad behavior. you have got to be an adult and not so selfish.

[misscloey]

Have you ever heard of Napolean Hill? Here is one of my favorites:

Self Discipline:

Self Discipline,or self control ,means taking possession of your own mind.

The power of thought is the only thing in which any human being has complete unquestionable control.
We have the power of self-determination, the ability to to choose what thoughts and actions will be.

If you direct your thought and control your emotions, you will ordain your destiny.

Take charge of your life. You are what you think!

I love this saying, I have it hanging on my wall and read it often.
Good Luck, I wish you all the best.

[dee_270]

chellybeans,
I know you're trying to help me but wow, your replies are harsh. However, maybe thats what I need.
My parents are my best friends and they will do anything for me. I mean what kind of parents would tell on their only child for doing something that makes them so happy? My friends also cover for me, as do I for them.
The reason I'm stringing the boyfriend along is because he takes care of me. Yes, I admit I am a selfish, spoiled brat. Maybe it comes from being an only child or maybe I'm just a coldhearted *****. He knows what's going on. I mean for christ sakes he found a video of me and the other guy. He just loves me too much to do anything about it. And I think when the other guy breaks my heart for the last time, I will be exclusively with my boyfriend. I just can't stop seeing the other guy now, because even looking at him makes me so happy. He is the hottest guy I have ever seen in my life and every time I touch him I feel like the luckiest woman on earth. And we have a gazillion things in common. The first time I slept with him was over 10 yrs ago so we have a history too.
I'm an old fashioned girl. I don't believe women should have to work. I have my little part time job but thats all I can handle. Also I should note I have been diagnosed with a list of mental illnesses, from severe depression, to borderline personality disorder, to adult personality disorder, anxiety, post traumatic stress disorder, and more stuff I don't remember now. And don't forget I watched the only man I ever loved completely with my heart and soul shoot himself in the head only feet from me. I haven't felt this way about another man since I was with him. In fact I have felt pretty much nothing.
As for him telling me he loved me, believe me, he doesn't have to say that to me to get my pants off. Both times he said it were as I was leaving after spending the night, I looked rough as hell, and we were saying our goodbyes and it came from out of nowhere. He knows how I feel about him and he has always been honest and upfront with me, even if the truth hurt me.
Also, he has no problem taking me around his family. I was parked in walmart parking lot having a conversation with my dad last night and he saw my car and brought his cousin over to meet me. I already know his other cousin but he has taken me around him as well. And he has went out to bars with me and almost beat some guys *** for eyeballing me. He's also very affectionate with me in public, he will hug and kiss me and doesn't care who sees.
I'm pretty sure you will all think I'm insane after I tell you this, but to me it was so incredibly romantic. A few months ago he cut his initials in my arm, and every time I look at it, it makes my heart skip a beat. He gives me things no other man ever has. He is so dominant, and I love it. He is so rough with me in bed, and it's wonderful. I've tried to get my boyfriend to do the same but he doesn't have it in him.
And I do love myself, maybe too much, as I feel I am entitled to both men until the time comes that I am forced to make a decision.I'm an only child and I know I am shallow and selfish, and my therapist and I have discussed this as well, and she understands where I am coming from. Unfortunately she moved out of state so I am without a therapist right now, unless you count my friends and family. I have gotten to the point now where I don't feel a bit of guilt for seeing him. Sometimes I wonder if I even have a conscience. If I had to guess what made me this way, I'd have to say it was my ex's suicide. Before then I had never cheated on a man, at least not first. I "revenge cheated" on boyfriends who did it to me. I guess I feel like I am entitled to some happiness after the pain I suffered from that horrible experience. Add the head injury to that, and this is where I wound up. As for being an adult, I don't think i will ever grow up.  Maybe there's just no hope for me and I'm just a slut, or maybe I'm very confused. At first I thought it was the thrill of the chase, but my feelings for him keep growing exponentially as time passes. I think about him constantly. I dream about him. And before anyone says obsessive again, I very rarely call him first. That's something I just refuse to do. I figure he has 2 of my numbers, and can contact me on myspace, so if he wants to see me he knows how. Although if too much time between contact passes I get severely depressed and have a good cry or 2 or maybe more till he finally contacts me. I love this man with all I have in me, even though I know he's bad for me, and after my ex died I didn't think I could ever feel anything again. Isn't that worth something? I'm not making excuses here. I'm trying to help everyone understand how my mind works. I really appreciate any input and everything everyone has said so far.

[chellybeans]

i hate to be harsh, you're just so irrational. i think you are too good at coming up with a laundry list of excuses, you are obsessed and you need to be in conseling and possibly on medication. this is just my opinion, and believe me, i only keep coming back here and reading this because it hits close to home, like i said. i have a friend like you. she had to be commited a few months back when she was rejected by one of the guys for a girl he did want to straighten up for. she threatened suicide and told him she tried to guilt him into coming over. instead he called me and the police. she was baker acted. now she has a restraining order from contacting him, is on meds and goes to counseling. she's healing and has learned a painful lesson.

you don't owe anyone an explanation for why you are who you are, and understand i am not trying to make you feel bad for being a dependant person. i personally am a type a independant woman, so it doesn't make alot of sense to me, to want to need someone else to have to make sure you are supported. obviously you know you are doing wrong if you posted this.

as for you and your friends covering for each other...that's just wrong. you should never expect someone to lie for you. if they will lie for you they will lie to you. just my two cents.

[mayflowers]

Wow

[dee_270]

Now I've been told on by one of my alleged "friends" to my boyfriend. Being the manipulator I am, I decided to tell him everything, then convinced him it was all his fault in the first place and if he didn't let me keep seeing the other guy I would leave him. He's dealing with it. However, because of life stress an old nasty habit has returned. I have started cutting again and when I start it's hard to stop. I don't know if I mentioned it or not already but I am a xanax addict (by prescription). Well, last night someone stole my meds for the next 2 weeks and I went berserk and slashed the hell out of myself. This is the third time in a couple of weeks this has happened. The first time I was just upset and had a small razor that didn't do much damage, so I got some of the good single edge ones. The second time I used one of those and I started bleeding so bad I thought I was going to die and I didn't know if I could stop or not, so I called my mother and told her please don't be mad at me if I couldn't stop cutting myself and went too far, that she and my father were good parents, etc. I didn't do this for attention but really because I thought this might be it, seriously. I told her if she called the cops I would come out with a knife and make sure one of them shot me just to make sure she didn't get them involved. I only cut when I'm alone so contrary to what I've heard people say I want to reiterate this is not something I do for attention. I get this feeling deep inside of me and it's like something takes over and makes me do it. When I feel like I've done enough I stop and a sense of calm comes over me. Also I have taken back up a long distance relationship with a financially secure older man and have been screwing around with my friends 18 yr old son and one of my best friend's husband. But my heart is still with the guy who sings love songs to me and tells me how much he loves me then ignores me for a month. I'm so incredibly screwed up right now I don't know what to do. Also, I should mention I am not suicidal, the cutting urges don't come from wanting to die. If I wanted to die I would OD on pills or something painless. But after losing my husband to suicide I really don't consider that in the sense that I would actually DO it, although I sometimes wish I had the guts to, but I couldn't put my family through that kind of pain. That's why I made a point to call my mom on the night I thought I wasn't gonna be able to stop, so I could tell her all the things he didn't say to me so she wouldn't have to live with guilt like I did, just in case. I'm sorry to keep coming here and unloading on you guys, and I'm sure you all must think I'm a horrible person not to mention a complete mental case but I hate talking about "feelings" with people. Mine or theirs. Usually I don't care how they feel so I assume any reaction they have to what I'm saying is fake anyway because that's what I do when I'm forced into a convo about some retarded drama.
Thanks for listening though.

[awkward]

I agree that you need a counselor for what you've been through.  It doesn't sound like you're in love with this man.  You're in lust with this man.  You saw that he looked hot, the sex is good, and he keeps doing little cute things.  If your "love" is based on that what happens when the sex starts not to be that great, when he stops whispering little songs in your ear, when he starts to age...not so gracefully.  Then what?  

I say dump both of them.  Why?

1.  Like you said, older guys aren't your thing.  Even though he's willing to take care of you you're not into that type of relationship and there's not point in settling for what you don't want.

2.  You said your ex was a druggie.  This guy isn't that much better by your description.  " Let's see, he lives with his mom, he's a felon, no car, raging alcoholic, I'm sure he sees at least one other girl if not several more...."  so he could have a STD(s).  

I say dump them both and wait for someone who's a combo of the two.  EX:  Has his own place, can support you and is willing to take care of you, has loads of things in common with you, etc.  Also this time without a boyfriend might be good.  You could use this time to heal (w/ the help of counselors) and there won't be another person in your life to add to the list of tramatic experiences.

[awkward]

P.S:  Also, if the dude finds out your cheating that could be another unpleasent experience.

[awkward]

Oh...I'm so sorry...didn't read the post right above my first post until just now.

[Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D.]

I have read the thread of other's comments and I agree with some of the things that have been said- I think you need counseling. I think you need to know WHY you are doing things rather than what choices you need to make about who you do them with.  Most of the men you have described are really not good guys- they are druggies or felons or classic bad guys- by pursuing relationships with them you are being self destructive-- I don't care HOW good they are in bed--that's a quick passion that will eventually be overwhelmed by bad character or disorganized lives that are going no where.
   The divorce has obviously affected you and you need to find out who you are now, what you want out of life, and if it's not much, you need to work on your self esteem, a better job , and a man who would have some substance and character.
     I know you are having some great sex and exciting times-- but you don't sound happy- and I don't think the way you are acting now will ever make you happy. How about taking a breather, being honest in your life with others- and start re thinking what kind of person you want to be in terms of your own self respect and what you owe the people who love you.  Pepper Schwartz, Phd

[Soonerman]

Springer Show?????  Get out of all this drama and figure yourself out; instead you bring other people into the picture and get them mixed up in this crazy story.  Quit carrying around your baggage and focusing on your pity.  

[dee_270]

Well, I cut the other guy out of my life completely. This will probably offend someone but he began seeing a girl of another race and it thoroughly disgusted me to the point I told him never, ever contact me again, we are finished forever, and for all I care he could drop dead. I think about him a lot and miss the drunk fun we had but he did something completely unforgiveable in my eyes, I was raised that you just don't do that, and I wouldn't touch him with a ten foot pole now. It was somewhat of a relief to have an excuse to email him and really let him have it considering he caused me nothing but trouble and heartache. I haven't cheated on my boyfriend again. He knows everything and has forgiven me for it. Unfortunately now I have the issue of guys throwing themselves at me. One in particular, he's 18 and I'm 31, and he is very forceful about it. I cheated on my boyfriend with him once and he has pursued me relentlessly ever since, at one point he was calling my phone over 20 times a day and leaving explicit voicemails. The really bad part is he moved next door to me. I love his agressiveness and I kind of like him but I would really like to stop being a **** and maybe actually try and make things work with my boyfriend. I just love men so much and I love attention from them. I don't know why this is such an overwhelming urge I have, my parents are still together so I shouldn't be looking for male approval because I didn't have a daddy or whatever. I've never been a cheater, but its like I'm out of control here and can't control myself.  

[Mr_Optimistic]

It sounds like your spilling your heart out for absolutely nothing at all.. and I apologize for your Rough life and the harsh things you have been through.. but honestly i think you should really just take a break find a place to live and reflect on in order to live in this world you must understand that we all are just people... and the people that make mistakes religiously are the ones you shy away from... stay Happy.

[woozy]

Everyone here is trying to give good advice. But it seems to be falling on deaf ears where your heart is concerned. You may be listening with you brain but your emotional self is in some trouble. You already know that though. You are 31, your parents love you or are trying to love you dearly, but they are doing you no favors by coddling you. They may be very afraid of losing you altogether so they keep tolerating your self destructive activities..It's very frightening for parents to cope with their child's depression. You sound as if you must be quite attractive to be getting so much attention from men..it is a lovely feeling, I do agree, but it won't last forever and then you will have to take a long, very painful look at yourself. You do sound as if your parents have spoiled you and you don't really want to take anything seriously or do any real work for yourself. Trust me Dee, if you continue this way, you will have to confront yourself, and it's going to be terrible. The cutting part really bothers me, it tells me you are in an enormous amount of pain but you don't really even know what that pain is..nor do you want to confront it, so you try to alleviate your pain by physically feeling pain.  I know, I have done it myself in the past, though I didn't do it very often and don't do it anymore. I think deep down, you know this won't last forever. It's a superficial way to live,that gives moment to moment pleasure, but doesn't really give you a deep sense of contentment. You know, Dee..You know no matter what any of us say, it's you that has to live your life. Order the book," the road less travelled" by Scott Peck..I think that might help. You have taken a big first step by opening up to us on this forum but good advice is only a starting point to the road you need to go down. much love and good luck to you..---Get that book.. it will give some insight into your relationship with your parents and why you are compelled to choose the things you do.

[woozy]

I'll mention one other thing..to encourage you to get that book..parents that don't set boundaries or are never disapproving..are guilty of not really loving you..the act of love..they may feel love, but a loving action (like boundaries, and disapproval, anger even!) is what is real love.. I think you may have lots of problems with boundaries because of this..And that is what you have to really face..forget the men for a moment, they are a just a symptom of the problem.

[woozy]

And lastly, I'm really sorry you had to lose your boyfriend like that..that must have have been so hard.

[Crystlas]

I have one work for you... CODEPENDENCY.... You scream it darlin'.  There are wonderful 12-step groups all around in towns everywhere that can help.  I know you do not want religion and I understand that, so be careful investigating 12-step programs, for some of them are spiritually based.  Otherwise check out the book "Codependency No More".  It is a fantastic read.  It will help you clear your head and understand the direction you are going with.  I was on a similar path a few years back, so if you need some guidance message me.  Take care, kris

[kathy434]

Dee,

Stop.  Just stop.  Right now you are letting yourself go from one crazy relationship to another to another etc. and non of them are healthy for you, non of them will amount to anything like you are wishing for, you are picking losers one after another.  You are a spinning wheel that is going nowhere.

You need to get by yourself for awhile, and get counseling as to why you attract to men who are not good men.  You are just repeating behaviors like a machine that has a flaw in it and it is not working right.  You need to stop this machine, learn what is wrong with it, how to repair it so that it is running clean and smoothe and healthy and on the right track of life.

Not only are you wasting your time and energies with people who don't have your best interests at heart, you are just a gullible screw who is handy for the moment.  All he has to do is gaze in your eyes, whisper in your ear and boom, you will follow him anywhere.  Stop.  You are being crazy and one time, you will also get a STD from one of your Mr. Wonderful's that you will remember him for for the rest of you life.  

You are nothing to these men who can have you so easily.  They don't respect you, much less love you.  Their words, kisses, hugs, gazes, are all fake, fake, fake!  So stop it now.  Get your body into counseling and get you head on straight, without any men at your back door.

Only you can care enough about you to want to do something good for you.  Give your life a chance to enjoy a quality life.  At the rate you're going you will be in an early grave.  Stop.  NOW !

[kathy434]

Dee I read more of your writings.  Do you ever look at yourself as a prostitute?  Expecting men to take care of you, you are willing to turn tricks.  And you have no sense of right from wrong not only in your behavior, but in how you treat any soul who happens to cross your redlight district.  All these people who are pouring out their concern about you, you just let it go over your head, whiz right past you.  You behave like a five year old, who demands to get her attention no matter how she gets it or who she hurts in her quest and you will lfight so low and dirty to get your way.  You have no substance in your head.  You operate on impulse, not on logic.  You are sick and you need help, fast.  But I realize you can't see this or anything anyone has tried to tell you.  When a psychologist breaks into this session to try to reach you & his words just buzz around without you even listening....I frankly don't know what to say.
Girl, at the rate you are going now, I would not be suprised that your parents will be putting you underground within the year.  Or you will be putting them underground within the year.