Why do married men cheat?

[charmed6418]

Are things really bad at home or are things just fine and their just being selfish?

[mami1323]

No, things will never be the same because she will always see him as a different type of man now.  The man she once knew is not who he is anymore.  So a lot of things will have to change along with their relationship.  She will have to learn to let go of the past and move toward the future.  It takes a lot of strength to work past infidelity.  But if both people are willing to work hard at it, the relationship could be stronger than ever.  Not the same as before, but no relationship is perfect and there will always be a hurdle that a couple will have to overcome.  You have to learn not to be a victim and not to let anyone control your happiness.  Not even the love of your life.  Your friend will have to allow herself to be happy.  It's a struggle but it can be done.

[LindaTX]

Thank you and I think you are right on target.  She and her husband are still working at salvaging their marriage 5 yrs later, and it has taken a lot of work.  You are also right about marriage counseling.  That helped them both a lot.  I think they are going to make it, but things will never really be quite the same.  Like you said, its important to look toward the future and not dwell on the past.    

[mami1323]

Nope, she can't be for sure and frankly no one can know for sure in their relationships.  We have to just go by trust and since there is no proof than there is nothing she can do.  Why dwell on the past?  It will only hurt to think of it.  I would think that he used the break as an excuse but since there were talks of remaining faithful, he broke the vows.  He probably was curious to see what it was like to be with other women after all that time.  Can she start fresh with her husband and just say he did what he did during a really rocky time in the marriage?  It's a shame to throw that many years away, although I can imagine her hurt.  Marriage counseling may help.

[LindaTX]

Thanks for your response.  I think she had gone through a lot, she had taken care of her elderly father for 5 yrs and her granddaughter from birth to 6 yrs and she wanted to get back her sense of independence, which she truly thought she could get from being on her own, and not depending on anyone for anything.  I think she felt stifled and just wanted some solitude.  Anyway, the agreement was to remain faithful, no fooling around That was agreed to by the husband, but for whatever reason, he cheated with several women and he lied about it.  Now she is wondering if this was the first time since it was so easy for him to jump right in after 35 yrs. Or if  this had possibly happened during happier times in the marriage. Can she ever be sure?

[mami1323]

Sorry Linda, I mis-read the post.  If the wife left but didn't cheat and the husband did...well that still is a sticky situation.  She left him, even if she did nothing.  I don't know what the agreement was between the husband and wife.  Whether she left and said it was a temporary break but they have to remain faithful or the husband had no idea what her intentions were and decided to see what else was out there.  He's wrong, definitely because if he did what he did after 2 weeks, what does that say about his level of commitment before she left.  I guess it's a sticky situation.

[mami1323]

Men cheat for all different types of reasons.  It is all dependent on the person.  I think some are looking for attention, some don't know how to communicate their unhappiness, some do it because they can and they want to and don't think they will get caught, some can't be with just one woman, some have a lack of family values.  There isn't one good answer.  For the question above, I think cheating is cheating.  If you separate to "find yourself" I do still think that in a way is cheating.  You come back to find that the husband is doing exactly what the wife was doing and don't like it well then that's the wife's problem.  It's not ok for either to behave in that way.  There is no mutual respect there at all.  Separate, divorce than see what's out there.  Don't separate with intentions on meeting new people and then just expect to come back like nothing ever happened.  That's my opinion though.