NO SEX IN A 4 YEAR LONG RELATIONSHIP

[PHILEAS]

Hi, I'm a 28-year old central american male, with a 23 central american girlfriend.  We've been in a long-distance relationship for more than 4 years; we see each other about once a month or so.  We rarely have a fight and we're engaged to be married next november.  

The problem is that she just won't have sex with me.  She's very christian and insists that we shouldn't have sex till after we're married, but I'm worried about her attittude because I get this feeling that she thinks of me more as a "super friend" than as a sexual companion. I'm worried that she's using her religion as a cover and the truth is that she just doesn't find me sexually attractive, and that this situation will go on after we get married.

So, my question is the following:  


Is this situation normal or is it a sick relationship?  Because I'm worried that I'm getting into a screwed-up marriage from the beginning.  

[sexyjenelle21227]

That is normal,she just want to wait until you and her gets married so don't worry it will be worth the wait and don't get down courage understand her and respect her decision and if you really love her you will.

[PHILEAS]

Thanks for your comments.  I did have a long discussion about it with her.  At first we both got angry and defended our stances strongly, but afterwards we both agreed that it was a healthy discussion for our relationship.  We both learned alot about each other and are trying to work things out.  

[RainLover71]

Take a cold shower!

[PHILEAS]

Thanks for your comments.  

I will talk to her about her opinions regarding married sex life.

I believe the guilt she feels comes from her religious, conservative background.  She's had ups and downs regarding her religious attittude.  The were a couple of years when she became really, really involved in her church and it became hard to even make out with her.  Nowadays, she's more relaxed about it, but I'm still not getting any sex.  

I also believe that she has a certain hatred towards men, because her dad used to beat her mom, but  I don't think she's a lesbian or something; I believe she's attracted to men, but of course, you never know.  

I also admire her determination and her committment to her values, but it's starting to hurt because I thought that by this point (4 years of relationship, engagement, etc.) she would already have enough trust in me to be more intimate.  

I've discussed this with her, and she says that she does find me attractive and that she does wants to have sex, but that she wants to wait until after we're married.  

I used to believe that after we got married, everything would change, but now I'm beginning to doubt that, and if she still refuses to have sex with me after we get married, I don't think I'll be able to handle that.  

[RockRose]

Phileas,  in general,  does she seem really religious?  Or just,  not sexual.  

I woudn't marry a woman you've only seen a handfull of times even if those encounters were fabulous.  Seeing each other once a month isn't enough - you can certainly change your personality/show your good side seeing each other that little.

On the other hand.  If this were reversed,  and you were the one unwilling to engage in sex,  I'd say that's a red flag.  Men who are in a relationship and the woman offers them sex,  and they refuse,  don't have a normal sex drive.

I don't think this is true for women.  I think she may truly feel afraid of being pregnant,  or religious guilt,  etc.  It's possible she's still got a normal sex drive.  

Men who behave this way - don't.  In my experience knowing church going folks.

Best wishes.

[AnnieBrooke]

I applaud anyone in this day and age who decides to stay a virgin until marriage.   Society has gotten so hyper-sexualized that it is refreshing to think of someone respecting the idea of sex as part of the whole package of giving something to someone very special.  Better that than some jaded attitude where 'getting down' means nothing.  But that said, if she has felt guilty and awful about necking and foreplay, it might possibly mean she feels bad about sex in general.  In other words, if she is using her religion as a cover-up, I would not take it personally as being about you.  You have translated it as a concern that she does not find you sexy.  But I would be more likely to wonder (if her religious attitude *is* something she is just using as an excuse) if possibly it is covering up a general feeling that sex is bad, or if she is not interested for a different reason.  

[PHILEAS]

Hi.  Thanks for the coment.  

To answer your questions:  I feel she's affectionate to me, but my friends say it doesn't look that way;  and we kiss a lot, but she's often reluctant to kiss in public.  We've engaged in foreplay, but later she feels guilty and sad and it makes me mad that she feels that way abut something that should be very pleasant.    

[specialmom]

Hm.  This is a hard question.  I do not think it is a sick relationship for someone to remain faithful to their beliefs and to want to be a virgin when marrying.  In the day and age of weakness, I admire that kind of conviction and stregnth.  

Is she affectionate to you?  Do you have any physical contact?  Do you kiss?  I hate to ask these questions------ but it might shed some insight as to whether she is strict about her chastity or if she has a lack of desire.  

I guess you are thinking this is a more risky relationship because whether you have sexual chemistry is an unknown.  Yes, that is a risk.  Talk to her about what her idea of a married sex life would be like.  Tell her it is important to you.  Open lines of communication.

But the simple fact of remaining a virgin while seems uncommon these days is not a horrible thing nor does it mean that a relationship will not be sexual.  

So, you need to talk to her about this.  good luck