Wife has left

[Canadianatheart]

So i don't normally use forums but this issues has really knocked me down and need a little help. I met my wife online 11 years go she was Canadian I'm British, in 2010 I moved to Canada to be I with her, things were amazing but we had problems with some of her family and at the time she was pregnant with our daughter so we chose to move back to the UK. We did everything right but border control still flipped out at her and only gave her 5 days here. They sent her back and I could not follow due to my visa ristrictions in Canada :( we were apart from a year and a half, I was not able to be there for the birth of my daughter and the first 9 months of her life. Eventually we found a way to get them both here safe and sound and everything was alright again for a while anyway, I wasn't coping with being a dad I had become very cold during the time we were apart because I suddenly found myself alone and had to cope and make sure I could support her when she came home with my daughter. When they did come back I was ok for a few weeks before I just completely shut down spent all my time on the Xbox would only talk about my work. I did try to pull her close put she always seemed so distant.. With hindsight I can see now it's because she was struggling to. About a year in she became friends with one of my old friends, that was fine I had no problem until she was texting him non stop.. She would get exited when he was coming over and all dressed up. He would pick her up while I was at work, so I spoke to her said it was making me uncomfortable and that the relationship with him was getting inappropriate, family and friends said the same to her but she just insisted he was just a fiend and she liked having a good friend. Well this went back and forth for a while until I got to the point were I just said I don't want you in contact with him he is causing damage, by this point she was coming home from visits with him telling my mum (still living at home at this point due to money) he said this and that and I can do better. Well January 25 I came home a night shift to find the our house empty (got our own place) I had came home early, 10 minutes later he drops her off with my 2 year old daughter at 2130 she said she was planning on leaving me moving in with him but he is just a friend... Of course I freaked out lots of shouting and again I know I shouldn't have but it happened.. She stayed that night and four days after before actually going as we were trying to work it out but the whole time he was checking in on her. Once she had gone I did everything you not ment to do I got cross I got upset I got obsessive in recent weeks she officially said she was with him...told me she feels nothing for me anymore but if something comes back she would... She said what caused it to fade was how I was with our daughter.. Very cross and shouting.. I know that's wrong.. I never meant to be like that I was just watching my wife get further and further away and I was feeling more and more alone and not able to pull myself round. She still says if something comes back she will but she won't go out of her way to make it happen because she is happy there... Finding herself. I don't know what to do Ini went through to much for to long to have her by my side she is still my wife and I would move the earth for her, I'm lost very depressed I know I destroyed this marriage but I see what I I was doing on my part.. I won't let it happen again..

[Nighthawk61]

and if you R serious about being a biological/father (which IS important to a child). Children are resilient, but they should eclipse any wanton **** relationship crap and you should A) Take a parenting course. Talk to a Psychologist about how to rightfully and righteously enter into a long term parent/child relationship.

do not MAKE this about you and your " w i f e "
forget that " t a g "

concentrate all your efforts on creating a home for your child

go and take a " p a r e n t i n g " course
talk to a P S Y C H O L O G I S T about how to best
I N S I N U A T E yourself into your child's life

go to school and take a course to do something with your life that you actually like doing.

if you've already done this and are planning this
then power to you

so many men concentrate on their dickiebirds instead of what they should be concentrating on , and that is their child.

If you want to be a " t h e y " prove to the gods yourself and your girl
~ that you are worthy.

[specialmom]

Hi there.  I too am really sorry for this unfortunate situation.  I'm sure it is painful to have had your inner voice tell you that something was not right with this friend and have it then turn out to be the case--- happening right under your nose.  That is really a bitter pill to swallow.  

I do agree with much of above.  I think that you two had an unusual start of your relationship.  The internet basically supported the first several years of your relationship with her.  This leads me to believe that something was amiss with you or her because that is often the case when someone forgoes 'real' people to be linked to someone online for such a long time.  That online romance gives a false sense of being in a true relationship.  That you two then tried to be together is good, however, that came with many hiccups and bumps.  Then once you were really living together full time----  she was not fulfilled to the point of needing this other friend.  It was the WRONG thing to do on her part absolutely.  But indicative of issues going on.  

And admittedly, you say you were cross and shouted a lot.  I can't live in that environment myself and especially with kids.  That is important to see as a fatal flaw to relationships (including a relationship with your child) and work on it.

I do think it is unfair and shady of her to leave a door open by saying "if I ever feel something, I'll come back". Translate that to----  if it doesn't work out with the new guy, I need a place to stay and will find you.  No thanks.  

I would begin the process of being a real parent. Putting her where she belongs, on the back burner.  Your daughter is what matters here.  You need to invest yourself into how to be a great dad.  And start doing that.  See your child often and bond with her.  This is very important.

good luck

[Londres70]

Nighthawk makes some valid points.  

I am just as confused about this visa business.  I do know that it isn't so easy to go from living in Canada to the UK without going through all the red tape even if you are married.  Immigration laws are becoming stricter and stricter in Europe.

[Nighthawk61]

So you were friends online for 6 years before you met? I'm a little confused about your visa restrictions (because i think that's when things went downhill for you both. Having to raise a child without you for the first year and a half, with no physical contact with her or the child, would bar you from bonding with the child, in a normal way.

So, i don't understand why , if you were married, that she was not allowed to stay in the UK, or you not in Canada?

I'm confused as to why you couldn't be together, but i think it' is the lack of bonding that ruined your relationship from the start,,

Unfortunately, the way you described your own actions during the short time that you were together left her feeling that you were a very shallow person, not capable of being married or being a parent. If you are interested in trying to work it out with her, it will take you going and talking to a therapist about your part in the demise of your relationship. You only need and can worry about you. As for her part in how things went down, leave that o her. She has her own demons on how things went down. Maybe if she sees you caring, now, she might care enough to admit to herself and you that her actions were unacceptable.

On the other hand, if she and your friend have found everything that they want in each other, then you probably will not be given the chance to show her another side of you.

I think that your relationship will work itself out if it can. You admitted that you were not good with your daughter. Do you want to be a good dad, or are you willing to leave the fatherhood thing to another man? That's your biggest question right now, imo.

[Awesome1234]

That was I don't think she used you*^

[Awesome1234]

I'm very sorry your going through this.

I do to think she used you. I just think your friend started paying her the attention she wanted and she like it.
She probably didn't feel wanted or loved by you anymore.

I don't think it's right what's she's done though. That's a bad way to get out of a relationship.
My mother did it that way and I've hated her for it since I was little. I understand why.. But it was wrong.

Try to remain friends with her and show he you can be a good dad. And do it for your daughter to. Have patience.

As for your marriage please think hard about it if you do really want to be with her.

Do you want to be with someone that when things get hard they get running? She should of tried hard to work things out with you. If all failed get a divorce and then move on.

The way you reacted I think is normal to her hanging out with him and then moving in. "Friends" was a cover up to she worked out what she wanted.

[Londres70]

"I was not used to get into the UK.".....................?

I think you both moved into the situation too quickly, hung on and in the end it isn't going to work.

Again:

I think this marriage is pretty much over.  You both have just been through too much to repair all this.  She has checked out of the marriage already from the sound of things.  Being sorry or remorseful isn't going to make this all better in this particular situation.

Have you ever sought marriage counseling?  That would be the ONLY hope at this time............that's if she is willing to do this.

[Canadianatheart]

Ok just the clear things up. I was not used to get into the UK. We spent thousands to keep me in Canada and in the end her entry into the UK was through birth right not me

[Londres70]

This is a great example why the UK wants stricter restrictions with migration/immigration.  You got her to the UK and now she is ready to be done with you and move on with another UK guy.  Did you even know her long before marriage and the pregnancy?  My hunch is you didn't know her well and/or for not a long time.  

With that being said, you didn't help matters by shutting down and not being their for your child and her when you should of been.

I think this marriage is pretty much over.  You both have just been through too much to repair all this.  She has checked out of the marriage already from the sound of things.  Being sorry or remorseful isn't going to make this all better in this particular situation.

Have you ever sought marriage counseling?  That would be the ONLY hope at this time............that's if she is willing to do this.

[Life360_Dave]

Hi and really sorry about what  your going through. Having been there myself i will say that this is not about you, what you did or did not do, its about her. She was with you for reasons other than love.
Please try to move on with your life and hanging on to a dream of what could have been will not accomplish anything to getting your life on track and back to normal. Shes cruel and i would not feel sorry for this but get mad at what she did.