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Will the pain ever stop after an affair?
I learned a week before Christmas my husband had been having an affair for at least 6 months. I found a love letter from his girlfriend in his work bag. We have been together for 21 years. I have never felt so much pain. I can't get thoughts and images of them together out of my head. I don't know what she looks like but I picture someone much prettier. I do know she's 3 years younger than me. Of course. He travels so it's easy. He as a hotel room and he's in another state and they work together.
I'm tired of crying all the time and thinking about them. I cry in the shower, in my car to work, during lunch, in the car on the way home and when I go to bed.
We have 2 children and I don't want to hurt them.  I have thought of divorce but of course my husband is sorry...he lost his way...didnt realize what he had. All the typical answers you would expect to hear. I don't know what to do. I feel like a fool. I have always felt ugly and now i really feel ugly.  I had a feeling something was going on all last summer but I was told no and that I'm being ridiculous. Then the truth comes out only because I caught him. What if I didn't find that letter?
I have been told by others to let him go because he will do it again. I have been told I deserve better. My dad cheated on my mom. My neighbors I grew up next to, he cheated on her. My sister in law is currently having an affair, our newest neighbors are divorced due to an affair. Does everyone cheat now? Does anyone know what it means to be married? I have thought of revenge. I know there's one guy if I asked him to have sex with me he would. I've thought about doing it to put him in just as much pain as I'm in, but then I realize I'm a better person and I know right from wrong. It would make me just as sleazy as him.
I want to know if his affair is over. He says yes, I don't believe him. I want to know everything about her that is better than me....he won't tell.  I want to know if the pain will go away? Will I ever trust him again? Will I ever forgive him? Am i going to be made a fool of again if i stay? Will I ever love him again?
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I am a male, 56 years old, married 26 years, with two grown kids and just found out that my wife was in already in a one year affair with her married coworker or business partner , who has three younger children.  I have always been trustful, so i never had any issues with 2 people of opposite sexes having what i hoped was either a platonic or business relationship.  Boy was I wrong.

So, now its been one week and my world has been turned upside down.  The pain and hurt is unbelievable - I lost 10 pounds and I'm thin to begin with. I feel like I've been played for a complete fool.

I commute to work and also some nights I am a college professor, which keeps me away from the house most days.  So this was clearly going on when I was at work and often at night.  Although I uncovered 100's of pieces of information, in what seems to be a torrid love affair and even to the point of an intoxication or addiction, I think my wife feels bad about hurting me but equally bad that her affair is now over (but who knows - she swears, but who can stop an addiction).

We are starting counseling immediately and who knows what the road ahead will bring. I'm not sure I want to stay.

The person's wife does not know about this and I hold all the cards right now.  Should I tell her? - I know her fairly well since all 4 of us have socialized together.  I go back and forth on this but here are three reasons I think I am completely entitled to...#1 if the wife found out about the affair, I'd be upset not to know... #2 I've emailed the husband already and told him never to go near my wife again or your wife will know, but I feel the only way to guarantee this is to tell the wife and #3. now if everyone knows the chips will fall where they may - this will determine who is leaving who and who is staying.  

Any advice would be appreciated.
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My honest opinion is to NOT insert yourself in other people's business.  There is not ONE good reason you could present, IMO for telling this man's wife.  

In MOST situations like this, the urge to "tell" is based solely on feeling angry and betrayed, and wanting some kind of revenge.  Your business is with you and your wife, their business is theirs.  It's up to HIM to tell him wife.  NOTHING good can come of you putting yourself into their marriage.
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I feel you,it not easy to deal with such heartbreak.I myself I am dealin with such situation rightnowit devastating.
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wow this is devastating, i feel your pain. well it is even worse for me , my husband is a waiter , at some restaurant we have a toddler , been married since 2010 but i have been suspicious of his behavior and his relationship with female friends especially one i particular, well he claimed they were friends an so did she. this year she calls me up to tell me she has been having a relationship with m hubby and is 7months pregnant . that was so painful ,even i do not know how to deal, my heart tells me i have to let him go, and as difficult as it may be its the right thing for me, he flirts with women says he enjoys womens company and maybe this was the reason for this. its painful i pray i can get through this, i am still with him but i sure see the future without him, i can never trust him again...
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wow this is devastating, i feel your pain. well it is even worse for me , my husband is a waiter , at some restaurant we have a toddler , been married since 2010 but i have been suspicious of his behavior and his relationship with female friends especially one i particular, well he claimed they were friends an so did she. this year she calls me up to tell me she has been having a relationship with m hubby and is 7months pregnant . that was so painful ,even i do not know how to deal, my heart tells me i have to let him go, and as difficult as it may be its the right thing for me, he flirts with women says he enjoys womens company and maybe this was the reason for this. its painful i pray i can get through this, i am still with him but i sure see the future without him, i can never trust him again...
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Never let your cheating husband blame you for his behavior.  He was married, he knew he was married when he slept with another woman.  If he had a problem with you, he should've talked to you about it.  If you couldn't work it out he should've walked away from the marriage, not cheated.  Never let him tell you his choices were your fault.  You already have enough to deal with.  I think this is the most evil thing a cheater can do.
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That was extremely well said;-) I have been with two men whom I married and they both had affairs, it's all what you said, you explained it so well.  I left my first husband, lost my home and a family I loved dearly. He stayed with his lover and now they are also having their own issues. I decided to stay with my second and even a year on I am struggling, maybe not as much but it's still very hard. I feel lost, don't know who I am any more, lost my identity. I have put weight on due to comfort eating, this women was younger too and only a size 10. Lost confidence in myself, I even feel lonely when I'm around people like my life is false. I love him so much, yet I also hate him for the pain that he has coursed not just to me but my family. He also regrets totally for his affair and said he got lost in a wave. He made me out to be paranoid, saying if I didn't shut up going on about if he was having an affair he was going to leave me, yet I felt so strong that something was going on specially because I have had this happen to me once before. I had to find things out my self, I was a women on a mission and there was no stopping me, I was like a private detective, found out where she lived through facebook and it took me straight to her address. I don't know whats going to happen, I know he loves me, I see the pain in his eyes, but it's not about him any more, it's about me. I need to find me again, build on my confidence, feel good about myself and use this to get stronger, it's just taking a long time. Good luck, I would never wish this pain on any one, but there's always a way of turning a negative into a positive and sometimes It can make you stronger xx
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Hello, it's been a while since you posted this so I hope you will see this.  My advice is yes, absolutely tell the wife what is going on.  Why?  Because this is the only means you have to make sure the affair stops.  I have been in a similar situation.  I knew no matter what I said to my husband and no matter how remorseful he apparently felt, after a while, he would likely go back to talking to her.  I told her husband, and after that she was completely out of my husband's life.  It's been 6 years, and they have had no contact since then, and I know it's because I had the guts to tell her husband.  I was shaking when I did it, it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but to this day I'm so grateful and amazed I found it within myself to tell her husband.  I also know of another couple, in which the husband was told of his wife's affair and as a result there was no more contact between the cheating wife and cheating husband.  You have to do what you need to do to ensure the survival of your marriage.  And believe me, in both situations, the husband was grateful to know.  
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My husband of 10 years told me he was leavin(2 yrs ago) and straight up left me for another girl.  I had to clean his pubes out of the bath tub that he left lying on the way to her house.  I tracked his cell and found out she worked at the gas station near our home.  I had been in there with my daughter that very morning while this girl was working.  I confronted the girl who then informed me that my husband told her that my kids and I didn't even live with him anymore..all lies!  He felt remorseful and came home and we worked things out.  He is an excellent father and we bothy really want a good life for our kids.  Things went pretty smooth until several months ago when I found out that he was not working ( he works night shift) when he said he was.  He laid out one full night and came in at 2am another night.  He even went as far as to rub coal dirt on himself to make me think he was at work.  He says he was smoking synthetic marijuana and got hooked on it and that he was by himself..no girls.  I want to believe him, but after what he did the first time it is so hard.  I have had it wirh his lies
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can i contact to the parents of the girl friend.
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Thank you for this.  A few weeks ago I found out my husband was having an affair with a woman he'd dated before we got together.  

My husband and I have been together for 26 years, married for 20 of those years.  A woman he dated before we got together and he have been having an affair for the past two years.  I'm devastated!  He says there was no sex involved and that they "just" talked on the phone. He drove three hours to see her three times over the length of the affair and says they just talked, watched movies and held hands.  In some ways I believe this but it seems so far fetched that someone would risk their marriage to someone they claim to love so dearly and NOT have sex!  

My emotions are all over the place and I go from being so angry I can't see straight to, pain beyond anything I could ever imagine, to just feeling like a pathetic unlovable loser.  I don't know what to do.  I know I don't want a divorce but that doesn't mean I want to stay married.  I don't want my kids to go through a divorce.  I don't want to hurt any more, and I do hurt.  

I am glad you shared your story because so many people are telling me to "throw the bum out" which seems to be the easiest root to take.  Not that I'm looking for the most difficult path but I'm not sure I want to throw away 26 years of a relationship over this.  I don't want to allow this to destroy my family, even though my kids are grown.  But, how do I get past this?  How do I allow my heart to trust this man again?  How do I know it's over?  

Your story tells me that it is possible to get past it and rebuild our relationship.  When I think about it the reason I'm hesitant to say that I want my marriage to work is because there is so much doubt about him and his relationship to her.  I'm afraid to want something that he won't really commit to making work.  I'm so very afraid.
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I am thankful to have found this forum.  It is amazing the amount of women, and some men, that have been cheated on.  I had been married for 11 years, and did not even realize how deeply my husband was into the internet porn and the SexSearch sites.  He met his "true love" there from London, and promptly flew her over to CT and to CA so they could meet there and have a few lovely weeks together- said that he just needed some "time" to think.. Hmm..  I asked him to move out after he returned from the first trip, and he did.  We reconciled after 4 months, but low and behold, 5 months after we got back together they were back together again, but now she has moved to Ohio to be closer to him.  Just peachy.  They broke up last November thanks to a wonderful person in my community to found my husband "M" on the SexSearch site and recognized him, luckily this person called me and emailed me his profile (actually quite comical because he posed as a woman and got "M" all hot and bothered to see how he actually came onto women and how he portrayed me to lure them in).  The sad part is that I have wanted to leave for ages and I am still here..  He says he will kill himself if I leave and the last time I tried to leave he hit me so hard he gave me a concussion for 4 days.  The cops can't really help, he would find me anywhere and I am not willing to change my whole identity anyways- so, in the long run, I guess I would have been better off had he just stayed with his SexSearch honey.  :(

I don't believe that people can be faithful, it just isn't in them.
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After reading that post, it sounds awful and whiny.  Sorry.  Also, no "abuse" help please- if I wanted help, I would have reported him to the authorities, it is not ruining my family and life over.   Ug..  Wish I wouldn't have ever posted...  
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she is right.  i have been where you are as well and i have been trying to make it work for over 2 years and although the initial pain is gone and i actually trust him it still doesnt feel the same and i know in my heart i am not as happy as i could be with someone else.  but we have a 4 yr and 3 yr old who think the world of him and i know they would be heartbroken if he didnt live with us anymore.  so i dont know what i will do either.
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you have to say something.  Put yourself in her shoes.  If you knew someone knew wouldnt you want them to tell you?  I had someone annonymously tell me my husband was cheating and I believe they are my angel.  I was glad they told me and If i ever knew of something like this i would tell the other person if i could immediately.
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I so feel your pain, cmommyof5.  I feel if he has cried in your arms for hours and you are praying together, then you should forgive him.  He obviously is remorseful and is really trying.

My life turned upside down just 4 days ago.  I have been married for 24 years and we've been together for 26 years.  We have 5 children ages 15 to 21.  My husband is a VERY quiet man.  He always has been.  Off and on throughout our marriage, I have cried not knowing what is wrong.  Why he ignores me as if I'm not even there for days sometimes weeks.  About 5 years ago, things were getting really awful again.  I couldn't handle how lonely I felt.  I started dreaming (literally) about asking for a divorce.  One night I talked in my sleep and told him I wanted a divorce.  It woke him up and to make a long story short...he agreed to start being more loving towards me, etc.  Things started to get much better between us.  We started to have date nights and they really helped.  I thought things were much better and I truly loved him more then when we were married.  (Although he is still extremely quiet, cold, and insensitive man...I've just have had to learn to deal with it.)  Then 4 years after that happened, March 19 of this year, something just hadn't been right for about 4 months with him.  He was spending a LOT of time texting and "helping" our mutual friend (my ex-best friend).  She is a single mom and about 5 years younger than me.  I confronted him about it and he just shrugged it off.  Finally one day he said he was going for a ride and took off.  It was almost dark out so I figured he would be back shortly (he doesn't like to ride at night), but after a few hours I knew in my gut where he was.  I drove to my ex-friends home (her kids were at there dads that weekend) and saw his motorcycle in her driveway with all the lights off in the house except her bedroom.  I felt sick to my stomach.  I knocked on the door and could see thru the glass front door him leaving her bedroom and pacing back and forth.  Then a few minutes later saw her walk out of her room adjusting her shirt.  They finally answered the door and proceeded to tell me that he was "fixing her bedpost" and showed me a set of tools!  I kept my cool and told him it was time to leave.  When we got home I saw something all over his arm and figured out it was massage oil.  So I confronted him if he was giving her a massage and he finally admitted he was.  I told him to never talk to her again and he promised.  I felt in my heart I stopped it before it got any further.  Since then, this has been a very tough year.  He was becoming more and more distant.  Then this last Sunday Dec 9, I opened our cell phone bill and glanced over it.  Something caught my eye, he had over 6,600 texts!  I couldn't believe it.  Who texts that much?!  So even though I have never believed in snooping, I got online and looked up our phone records.  I found out what I didn't want to.  He had been texting my ex-friend non stop.  Since the beginning of this year he had texted her over 15000 times!  But to make it worse...he had started to text an "old" friend of his he had met through work years ago.  In just the last 3 months he has texted her over 15,500 times!  I felt sick but I knew I had to confront him about this.  So on Tuesday, I sat down with him and asked him.  He finally confessed to having an Emotional Affair with both women.  He then proceeded to tell me it was my fault because I am now (after 26 yrs together) fat, ugly and he's embarrassed to walk next to me!  I couldn't believe it.  I have struggled with my weight all my life but I have never felt I was ugly.  I work really hard to always look and dress nice and I do work out.  I am a size 10 now, although when we were married i was a size 3.  I know I need to lose some weight...but UGLY?!  I couldn't believe he blamed his indiscretion on me!  He then told me for the sake of the kids he will "try to make it work".  NO remorse what so ever!  He promised to break it off with both the women which i know he did.  But he is as cold as ever to me.  I know it has only been 3 days, but I'm so hurt.  I can't sleep, eat or stop uncontrollably crying.  He is a wonderful father, wonderful provider and together we have built a very comfortable life together..  I work as well and make good money, but only about 1/2 of what he makes.  I told him last night that I didn't just want him to stay for the kids, but because he wanted to make "us" work.  I wanted a man that would be happy to see me when I walked in thru the door and wanted to hold my hand and truly loved me.  I told him I deserved that!  He did say he still loves me and he will try harder...but that really doesn't help make me feel any better.  I don't believe in divorce and have tried everything I can to make it work.  I just don't feel like I can try anymore.  It's up to him now.  I know I have been rambling on here, but this is the first time that I have said any of this to anyone.  I've been dealing with this by myself.  I don't want the family to know and my best friend was one of them that betrayed me.  I'm just so confused.  I don't know what to do.  Will this pain and hurt ever stop?  Will it ever get any better?  I've been married to this man for 1/2 of my life.  Is it worth saving?  We still have 2 girls in High School and 3 sons in college.  I just wouldn't know where to begin.  Please help... devastated, lonely and hurt
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I so feel your pain, cmommyof5.  I feel if he has cried in your arms for hours and you are praying together, then you should forgive him.  He obviously is remorseful and is really trying.

My life turned upside down just 4 days ago.  I have been married for 24 years and we've been together for 26 years.  We have 5 children ages 15 to 21.  My husband is a VERY quiet man.  He always has been.  Off and on throughout our marriage, I have cried not knowing what is wrong.  Why he ignores me as if I'm not even there for days sometimes weeks.  About 5 years ago, things were getting really awful again.  I couldn't handle how lonely I felt.  I started dreaming (literally) about asking for a divorce.  One night I talked in my sleep and told him I wanted a divorce.  It woke him up and to make a long story short...he agreed to start being more loving towards me, etc.  Things started to get much better between us.  We started to have date nights and they really helped.  I thought things were much better and I truly loved him more then when we were married.  (Although he is still extremely quiet, cold, and insensitive man...I've just have had to learn to deal with it.)  Then 4 years after that happened, March 19 of this year, something just hadn't been right for about 4 months with him.  He was spending a LOT of time texting and "helping" our mutual friend (my ex-best friend).  She is a single mom and about 5 years younger than me.  I confronted him about it and he just shrugged it off.  Finally one day he said he was going for a ride and took off.  It was almost dark out so I figured he would be back shortly (he doesn't like to ride at night), but after a few hours I knew in my gut where he was.  I drove to my ex-friends home (her kids were at there dads that weekend) and saw his motorcycle in her driveway with all the lights off in the house except her bedroom.  I felt sick to my stomach.  I knocked on the door and could see thru the glass front door him leaving her bedroom and pacing back and forth.  Then a few minutes later saw her walk out of her room adjusting her shirt.  They finally answered the door and proceeded to tell me that he was "fixing her bedpost" and showed me a set of tools!  I kept my cool and told him it was time to leave.  When we got home I saw something all over his arm and figured out it was massage oil.  So I confronted him if he was giving her a massage and he finally admitted he was.  I told him to never talk to her again and he promised.  I felt in my heart I stopped it before it got any further.  Since then, this has been a very tough year.  He was becoming more and more distant.  Then this last Sunday Dec 9, I opened our cell phone bill and glanced over it.  Something caught my eye, he had over 6,600 texts!  I couldn't believe it.  Who texts that much?!  So even though I have never believed in snooping, I got online and looked up our phone records.  I found out what I didn't want to.  He had been texting my ex-friend non stop.  Since the beginning of this year he had texted her over 15000 times!  But to make it worse...he had started to text an "old" friend of his he had met through work years ago.  In just the last 3 months he has texted her over 15,500 times!  I felt sick but I knew I had to confront him about this.  So on Tuesday, I sat down with him and asked him.  He finally confessed to having an Emotional Affair with both women.  He then proceeded to tell me it was my fault because I am now (after 26 yrs together) fat, ugly and he's embarrassed to walk next to me!  I couldn't believe it.  I have struggled with my weight all my life but I have never felt I was ugly.  I work really hard to always look and dress nice and I do work out.  I am a size 10 now, although when we were married i was a size 3.  I know I need to lose some weight...but UGLY?!  I couldn't believe he blamed his indiscretion on me!  He then told me for the sake of the kids he will "try to make it work".  NO remorse what so ever!  He promised to break it off with both the women which i know he did.  But he is as cold as ever to me.  I know it has only been 3 days, but I'm so hurt.  I can't sleep, eat or stop uncontrollably crying.  He is a wonderful father, wonderful provider and together we have built a very comfortable life together..  I work as well and make good money, but only about 1/2 of what he makes.  I told him last night that I didn't just want him to stay for the kids, but because he wanted to make "us" work.  I wanted a man that would be happy to see me when I walked in thru the door and wanted to hold my hand and truly loved me.  I told him I deserved that!  He did say he still loves me and he will try harder...but that really doesn't help make me feel any better.  I don't believe in divorce and have tried everything I can to make it work.  I just don't feel like I can try anymore.  It's up to him now.  I know I have been rambling on here, but this is the first time that I have said any of this to anyone.  I've been dealing with this by myself.  I don't want the family to know and my best friend was one of them that betrayed me.  I'm just so confused.  I don't know what to do.  Will this pain and hurt ever stop?  Will it ever get any better?  I've been married to this man for 1/2 of my life.  Is it worth saving?  We still have 2 girls in High School and 3 sons in college.  I just wouldn't know where to begin.  Please help... devastated, lonely and hurt
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I see it has been a while since you were in this chat and hopefully you read this because I just want to say Thank you for everything you wrote. I found out in July of this year that my husband of 14 years had been having an affair for 7 months with a someone I knew, basically her fiance found out and gave my husband the ultimatum to tell me or he was going to. My husband took me for a walk while our children stayed at home, he told me he had cheated on me, when I asked him with who, he said her name, I was soo stunned cause he use to cut her up and say how stupid she was (obviously it was me who was stupid for not catching on). then i slapped him in the face, when I asked when, how long? he said 6 months, when half way thru my rage, I realized that they (her and her fiance and there kids) stopped in on our family vacay, I asked him if they "did it" then too? he said yes, I totally lost it and punched him in the face (felt great) he was crying the whole time telling me this but I didn't care. I told him to pack his **** and get out, he did, but because we have kids I had to figure out what to do, meanwhile the fiance of the "capital W" contacted me to ask to talk to make sure my husband told me the whole story because apparently she came clean about everything. I found out things from him that my husband conviently left out. Long story short, after a week I told my husband he could come home and work on things only if he told me the truth and was honest with me and went to counselling. He agreed to all of it, and he changed his cell number to prove to me he wanted things to work. We went to counselling and took some time for us ( which is hard when you have 3 kids but is TOTALLY necessary) things have been pretty good but lately I have been struggling really bad, I think because this is the time last year when it all started. I feel soo stupid for not knowing this was going on. I question everything he does now, and where he is, I check his phone all the time. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about it and vision them together, I freaking hate it! People tell me I've only had 6 months to deall with it and it will get easier,,, man I hope so cause the thoughts, feelings suck. I really like your idea about writing it in a journal for my own piece of mind. We live in a small town and I still dread the day I come face to face with her,,, she had sex with my husband in my house when my kids were outside, and on my family vacay while I was 150 feet away. Thats the one thing that bothers me the most, I was right there, he chose her over me, I was right there and he had sex with her then came and sat with me after?? I love my husband and know he is trying to make up for what he did but how do you not question when he is late getting home from work or goes out with the guys?
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I read many of your stories and my late husband cheated on me several times I continued in the marriage. I was young and believed God would intervene. It was a long hard road and the ending of my husbands life was horrific. I will advise anyone that is breaking a marriage covenant to beware it may seem as if nothing is happening while you are in the relationship but eventually it does end in pain.

I know only when people do not have faith in God or respect for God they will break the vows which is not worth the pain anyone will have to endure. My prayers to everyone that has pain I pray God heals you all in Jesus Name.
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This has been the hardest journey of my life and I never want to go through something like this again. My husband and I have been through hell and back. We are in a much better place our love is strong the days are still hard some times but they are mostly good. This time last year he was in a relationship with her and it has been very hard for me to erase the visions of them together for some reason the visions are hard to deal with these days. I know he loves me and I know I love him I also know I want to be with only him I just have to learn to leave the pain in the past. God has been by out side through all of this and I know he will continue to do so.
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Here is the best example for how it feels to stay with a cheating husband.

You spend eight years knitting a sweater. In your opinion its magnificent. you put your heart and soul into making this for him.
When one day you give it to him. He tells you its not what wanted, a worthless piece of junk and then throws it in the garbage. Thanks for nothing because its just not good enough.
Its crushing. But wait, a miracle (yeah right.) He realizes how much he's hurt you. Now he says he loves the sweater. He wants to prove to you how much he loves it because he knows how bad he messed up.
So he wears the sweater every day and says he really does love it. But guess what? He didn't appreciate it or love it when it really mattered. So its very hard to believe he'll ever really enjoy wearing it.
The sweater is my love I have had, and the life I've commited to my husband. I'll never understand why he could hurt me.
It's only been a year and 2 months since i found out but I still feel like I'm dying every day. I thought I was his best friend. I've been admitted now three times to psychiatric care facilities and have been arrested once for my mental breakdowns. The arrest was because i broke a wedding picture in the house and woke one of my children and when the police arrived I was naked and histaricle.
I'm affraid it will never get better for me. I'm affraid that it is going to kill me or that I will kill myself. I want to live the worry free life that we had before. But now it's all my fault that it doesn't get better. I've lost my mind and what he doesn't seem to understand is I just need, and desperatly, want to know is that he needs me.
I want him to NEED the sweater. I want to feel like, without it, He would surely freeze to death and that nothing is my comfortable to him than my sweater.
Everyone, Please pray for me.
Desperately
Nikita2
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Hi! I know I will get a lot of negative comments by posting on here, but I will take it, as I would like to share some insight from The Other Woman side. Please read this. First of all, I am truly sorry for what you are going through, just like I am truly sorry what the wife of my ex (boyfriend?) is going through. They have been married for 7 years, no children. Married at 25 after 3 months of knowing each other. My affair with the guy lasted for 9 months during which I was lead to believe that he is unhappy and lonely in his marriage, is in love with me, going to divorce his wife, asked for a divorce, and finally that he moved out. None of which as I came to find out was true. I broke it off when I figured out he was a con. Called his wife and told her everything. His wife decided to stay with him and go to counseling. She called me several times to tell me about that and to tell me to back off which I already did way before. He called me on several occasions, WHILE THEY WERE IN COUNSELING WORKING ON THEIR MARRIAGE, wanting to tell me how he is still unhappy and loves me. Although, I still love that man, I told him I do not believe his lies anymore and to go back to his wife and leave me alone. My point here is, that some men are UNABLE TO BE HONEST. He lied about the circumstances, length, and emotional substance of our affair to his wife and in counseling. He is not REALLY WORKING ON HIS MARRIAGE but rather making it seem that he does to pacify his wife and regain trust again. But when the dust settles.... I am sure he will go back to his nasty ways. Good luck!
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Hi! I know I will get a lot of negative comments by posting on here, but I will take it, as I would like to share some insight from The Other Woman side. Please read this. First of all, I am truly sorry for what you are going through, just like I am truly sorry what the wife of my ex (boyfriend?) is going through. They have been married for 7 years, no children. Married at 25 after 3 months of knowing each other. My affair with the guy lasted for 9 months during which I was lead to believe that he is unhappy and lonely in his marriage, is in love with me, going to divorce his wife, asked for a divorce, and finally that he moved out. None of which as I came to find out was true. I broke it off when I figured out he was a con. Called his wife and told her everything. His wife decided to stay with him and go to counseling. She called me several times to tell me about that and to tell me to back off which I already did way before. He called me on several occasions, WHILE THEY WERE IN COUNSELING WORKING ON THEIR MARRIAGE, wanting to tell me how he is still unhappy and loves me. Although, I still love that man, I told him I do not believe his lies anymore and to go back to his wife and leave me alone. My point here is, that some men are UNABLE TO BE HONEST. He lied about the circumstances, length, and emotional substance of our affair to his wife and in counseling. He is not REALLY WORKING ON HIS MARRIAGE but rather making it seem that he does to pacify his wife and regain trust again. But when the dust settles.... I am sure he will go back to his nasty ways. Good luck!
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HE is a married man. There should of been no beginning of a relationship. Happy or unhappy he was still married. Do you have any idea how that feels to his wife. No it is not all your fault but out of respect for his wife you should of walked away. I'm sorry but as a wife who is now trying to pick up the pieces after seven months everyday is hard and I am one of the lucky ones (if that is what it is called) my husband and I are putting our lives back together he is sorry and the 24 years we have spent together means more then a 7 month affair with someone who really means nothing. But daily the pain is there. You will never know what the pain unless it happens to you.
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973741 tn?1342346373
Hi there and welcome.  i want to point out that this is an old post and most who posted here are long gone.  

I'm sorry for your pain and this difficult time and wish you much luck in rebuilding your relationship with your husband.  If you need any support, feel free to contact me or leave a post on the forum.  good luck dear
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OMG I just don't know what to do right now. Me and my husband have been married for 7 years now and I just found out he was cheating. I haven't told anyone about this other than his brother who I feel is the only person I could talk to at the time. This just happened in December 2012. Looking at his bank statement and phone log it seems as if he has been seeing her since August 2012. I noticed something when I called his phone and he would not pick up. I had just got off the phone with him about 5 minutes previous. And now he all of a sudden was not answering. O lord I didn't want to believe this. So I started digging. And u know what happens when u start digging. I confronted him first before I started digging and so he said he was here and there. So I said ok. O let me just say this. After he would not answer his phone I went on line and added the sprint locator. This gave me an idea where he was but I still wasn't sure. The next day I started searching his closet, clothes, car anything I could think of. In the car he carry a bag for his gym clothes. On the side I say a Walgreens bag in the bag was a receipt. Low and be hold the receipt was for some condoms. This had confirmed my suspicion. He had to come clean. Even then he denied that that receipt was not his so I politely showed him the receipt and took his wallet and showed him the card he used to purchase the condoms. Then he came up with another lie sayin that the condoms was his but when he bought them he thought about what he was doing and just threw the condoms out. He was sad over the last couple of days from seeing me sad so I guess he had to come up with something to make me feel better. First he asked me if I wanted to me her so he can see it was nothing then one day he ended up coming to my job and calling her on the phone putting it on speaker to confirm that they never slept together and that they could not be friends anymore. I told him he could have coached her before he got to my job. Yea he has ask me to forgive him and I told him I could not right now. We have 2 boys ages 5 and 7. Some days I'm good and other days like to day my heart aches. I just want to be alone and cry and I feel that this is affecting me in how I deal with my kids on a day to day basis. I am so confused. I don't know what do do. Please help.
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I know how you feel. I am almost 8 months into finding out about my husbands affair. I wish I could tell you it gets better but right now I am in a huge suffering pattern where I cant get her face out of my mind. I look at his hands and think of him touching her kissing her and just being him with her and it is making me crazy. We have been married 21 years and have been together 24. We have five children and have always been in love. The kind of in love where my friends would always say I wish my husband would look at me like that. I know my husband loves me and we have had a very rough year he is the one person I know could always help me heal but going to him now is hard, I also hurt him never cheated but he says I grew away from him and he needed to feel needed and of course there she was. We have been rebuilding it is hard. We are faithful people so Christ has played a big part of our healing. The pain I felt before I knew about her was unbearable he kept telling me he was leaving, but many nights he would hold me in his arms and cry telling me he just wanted peace,then one night he asked me what we were going to do and I said Save us, he said then I have something to tell you...
Listen it is not easy but if you really love each other and make a commitment to making a change for the better and walk this road as one I believe in the end it will be worth it.
If you need to "chat" feel free to message me. I am no expert but maybe I can just listen. Be well and be strong.
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Wow.I am so sorry,that's horrible.No one should deserve to go through that kind of pain.I am not going to say what other people will try say,to forgive and forget,go to counseling,things with you two will get better,all that blah blah,no..It seems you have done nothing wrong.And forgive and forget may apply to other mistakes,but in my opinion,cheating is DEFINITELY,not a forgive and forget.People can change from other mistakes,but if they have the guts to cheat once,they can have the guts to do it again.Maybe they won't,but,it's highly likely they could.If he really truly loved you,and cares about you,and your marriage,and only you,he wouldn't have.I am a Pagan,and do not believe in Christianity,but I have morals,I know what is right and wrong.If he wants to sleep with a young,pretty woman,then he really should have thought about commitment and love before ever getting married.Marriage is difficult.There are many rough times,very good times,etc etc.He is supposed to love YOU no matter what,through all of it.Was it over sex?To me,that is ridiculous.Sure,sex is fun in marriages,but,it shouldn't mean everything.Too many people are blinded the past,hmmm.60-70 years?They think it means everything,and that is more important than it really is.Sex is not a bad thing,and like I said,can be a fun activity in relationships,but it shouldn't be the most important,not even close.Too many people these days cheat,divorce,become unhappy,and ruin everything over it.Idk,it just depends on the people.but,the people they supposedly love,they are willing to throw everything they had with that person away,over wanting to be pleasured.How selfish.Love is no place to be selfish.Where are the days when people loved each other and stuck with each other through everything?NO MATTER WHAT?It's obvious those days are gone,and it's sick to see...But hun,you are great for not stooping to his level.Honestly though,it's obvious you are very hurt,and you don't deserve to be feeling like this.If it was a small problem,unlike cheating,then I think it could be resolved of course,but,to me,cheating is something unforgivable,if he loved you and only you,he should have never considered it.Any one can control themselves in that situation,no matter what excuse they use,he just chose not to,and you deserve better than a man who after as long as you have been together,would do something so hurtful like that to you..you could file for divorce,take time to heal,and meet a guy who really respects you,cares about you for you,and would never even imagine doing something like that to you.You just have to be strong enough to do it,I know you can do it(: Plus,I am sure you are gorgeous,and instead of stooping to his level,and remaining the better person,you obviously are a good person and have morals.Even if this girl is young and pretty,she is immediately less attractive because to have a married man cheat on his own wife with her,it's obvious she isn't a very good person,which is quite ugly.Anyways,to wrap things up,I know it hurts very bad,and it will for a long time,but,you can be strong,and go out there and find the man you deserve,not this guy,who threw 21 years together over a young woman.That is ridiculous.You deserve SO much better.I hope you feel a lot better though<33
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wow,I agree with this comment so much.I believe she shouldn't forgive him though,since he could have the guts to again,and shouldn't have in the first place,but everything else,very much.Sex and all that is just a small thing truly,and doesn't last forever,loving each other and being like best friends DOES and should last forever,and be the most important always(:
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All of you who stay with your husbands are pathetic....let him go have the ******. I let mine & haven't regretted it a day since. There is life after the cheating *******. There is a career, and a new man waiting for you. Get off your ***, stop making excuses for the sorry SOB and GO GET YOUR LIFE BACK!
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I've been divorced for four years now and not because of cheating, we were married for 17 years, we have three sons, and we felt out of love. We just didn't love each other anymore. I divorced and moved to another state with my two younger boys, my oldest joined the military. One year after my divorced I met a man that I thought was the nicest man in the world, we were together for two years, during these two years he cheated, lied and stole money from me, when I discovered who he really was, I walked away with my heart into a million pieces, but I survived like I had done in the past, I decide to go back and get my Nurse Practitioner, there I met a very nice man who was about to retired from the navy. At this point I really didn't wanted to get involved with anyone, but he keep on insisting to go out with him. He would leave roses in my car, nice notes, email me love letters. I even blocked him, yet he would look for me at University and at the hospital I worked, bring me lunch until all my friends keep telling me to give myself a chance, he told me he was divorced. I gave him a chance and five months into our relationship I found out he is married with three kids. I knew of his kids but he said he was divorced, I cared for him and I left him the minute he told me that his divorced was almost final but that he was still at his family house. I should had suspected because I never went to his house because we were always busy yet I had the address, that he provided to me. he continues to come and says he loves me.With him everything was so nice, he would open the door of the car, always found time text me and talk, lunch or dinner and it wasn't only sex it was companion, friends, and someone you could truly trust, he even ask me to move in with him many times but I wanted to finished my NP first. I'm tell the story of the other woman not the wife, but if I knew he was married, I would had never accepted him, and I never meant to hurt a wife.
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973741 tn?1342346373
Hi carrie, this is an old post.  Hopefully once you were suspicious that he was still married ---  you chose to see him for what he is (a man of very low character that lies and takes advantage of people).  People like that are not worthy of your time.  

I do know that some women take some time to realize when someone is married if they've been charmed and are lied to by a skilled low character person.  You can't help that.  It's what you do with the information.  Glad to hear you left him!  good luck and hope you find the 'right' relationship at some point!!
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Thank you, for me as right now I  need one more semester to finished my NP and then i plan to relocated to another part of the state I'm in, not looking for anyone, just dedicated to my sons and my career and I'm happy, thank you
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Ya you said very well. i really impress with you
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I caught my wife and high school sweetheart of 15 years cheating on me 3 days before Christmas of 2011 and I can assure you I have felt the same pain, and asked myself alot of the same questions you have. I became suspicious with her over active and very protective cell phone use. I contacted out cell company and activated a monthly text message report for our numbers. I also back logged it 6 months and found 15 pages of text message history with the same number, the problem is that by the time I received the report it was too late! She met this guy at work after he kept approaching her and complimenting her, he ended up talking her into swapping cell numbers and the sexting began. The really terrible thing about all of this is that these 2 selfish human beings were both married with young families and they set everything aside for themselves. After getting caught my wife went on the defensive for this clown saying she was afraid he would ruin her reputation at work and that he had mentioned several times how they had to keep it very secretive forever because they both have families and didn't want to ruin their kids lives......
I called this guy and set him straight that he is to never contact my wife again, ever. not for any reason and he better not even look her way. If he does his wife will be receiving a package containing all the text message history between my wife and him. He apologized up and down and agreed to my terms. I have since been left in the dark, they still work in the same building and have for the past 3 years. I can't help but worry everyday of the week, i do not trust my wife, her words are as credible to me as a politicians. Our lives have been turned upside down and life has become very very very difficult for me. I've read several online forums in regards to cheating spouses and have tried to take the advice given, i always believed that times heals everything. I've given it time, lots of time and things are kind of cyclical we have good days and bad days, good months and bad months but overall it's been an absolute nightmare. I stick around for my kids, I try to be a man about this whole situation and i've handled it all inside on my own. I've wanted to talk with my closest friends or my dad about it but I just feel humiliated about it and can't come to terms with myself to share the problems I have locked down inside. I know my wife can see in my eyes the pain I have inside she is well aware and I bring it to her attention often why I am in the state of depression I am in. My wife was such a beautiful soul when we met, she was kind and absolutely gorgeous. The kind of girl every man on this planet would dream of landing, I always felt the best thing that ever happened to me was her. I always asked myself and had other people ask me...lol... how did an ugly guy like you land a woman like that. My only explanation for that was "my personality, I make her laugh. why else would she be with me?" Truth be told i'm not a great looking guy and I've always had a conscience about that and always wondered what happens if that good looking guy comes along one day and she decides to go for it. I guess you never expect your worst nightmare to come to reality folks, but it happens, it's life. You can either let it beat you down to a pulp or you can believe in yourself and stand up! Yes ive seen the bottom floor of life, I might just be there right now but i'm not quitting. All I can suggest to you hun is this. Your husband ****** up. he ****** up really bad and i'm soo sorry he put you through this but you're not alone I feel your pain too I'm a grown *** man and i know whats it's like to cry myself to sleep. Be strong for your kids and live your life don't let his terrible decisions knock you down and make you feel less then you are. I don't know if the hurt ever ends and if forgiveness will ever come our way but I really hope we can get through this journey to see a better day.
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nothing wrong with swearing! do whatever you can to get the words on paper- it does help to journal
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Yes I agree with your input.  Staying or leaving is difficult either way! Three year's after giving birth to our first child, I discovered my husband fathered another child who was basically the same age as my daughter.  Three years of betrayal and not knowing was horrific for me but I did not want my child to be without her dad so I struggled through the pain and stayed in the marriage.  Later on, after have two additional children, my husband became deathly ill and went into surgery not knowing if he would come out of it dead or alive.  Our entire family spent months enduring with that turmoil and I nursed him back to health upon his leaving the hospital months later.  Once he was able to walk again and started gaining some of his strength back, he told me there was something he needed to tell me, but was afraid to do so.  To make a long story short, I discovered that day that he had also fathered twins by this same women TEN years earlier.  I am in my 50's and stayed with the marriage because I felt he was my soul mate. We met in High School years ago.  This new discovery was three years ago.  I did not know what to do at the time because you cant just turn off love AND he was still in the recovery stages of gaining his health back.  Our children would have been torn apart had I made any additional major moves within our family.  Especially after having to deal with the possible loss of their fathers life.  Thus, I went into a stupor and continued to stay with him.  I love him, but I still go through major spells of tearful and painful episodes throughout this crazy marriage.  He had always told me it was simply sex, which was painful enough to deal with... but now I believe this was an on going invested affair.  I am so heart-broken and in pain.  One minute I want to leave, and the next, I want to stay.  Finances have always been an issue for me and my children, and the discovery of why we had to go without and lack even the basics over the years, has been a difficult cookie to crumble.  Today, even after finding out the news of my husband having three children with the other women, and not honoring me enough to be honest down through the years, I am struggling with how to begin a new chapter in my life without him.  My struggles are both emotional and financial.  I have been laid-off from work for a year now, so I decided to return to college to finish my degree.  My own mother and brother's do not know of the the turmoil I have gone through over the years.  I believe it is time for me to leave my husband even though I still love him.  I believe me and the kids deserve better!  I just don't have a clue where to begin.
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1306053 tn?1323957610
I'm so sorry you are going through this.  Many member here could tell you I've been through this and all the emotions you describe rocked my world for years.  I still get a little shaky just reading your posts and all the replies.  Here's what I can tell you.  My husband threw himself into counseling and into our marriage.  He was truly sorry, and now, more than 4 years after the affair ended, he continues to devote himself to me and our family.  I was hard on him, I went a little crazy for a while.  (If you can find the old 'infidelity' discussion board, you will see.  I believe the only way it could have worked out was him doing whatever I asked as far as counseling and transparency, etc.  We had also been together more than 20 years, married for 18. You have a long road ahead of you, I wish you luck.  
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I just don't really understand all the justification for someone cheating...they obviously didnt have you in mind at the time of cheating now did they....there are plenty of men and woman out their that deserve faithful partners...why spend years getting your relationship back to where it was knowing it will never be the same? why not put those efforts into someone worthy that you can make new happy memories with...no man or woman is worth wasting any of your life over...you would all feel so much better if you just let go and move on...you can and will be happy with someone else. you wont regret it and if you have kids your only giving them a life lesson that cheating isnt on, otherwise your just bringing more cheaters into this world. this topic really annoys me when people try to accept justification to cheating its not acceptable ever!
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9 years ago my wife left me with no explanation.  We just had our 10th anniversary.  My wife cheated on me twice while we were engaged.  She had an alcohol problem. I quit because I wanted to and said I would no longer stay with her if she ever drank again.   We go married I have a large farm and she signed a prenuptial agreement to protect me and my partner.  5 years later I found out she was drinking and we had a big blow out.  She was sorry and we stayed together.  4 years after that she was having an secretive affair at the welfare office where she worked with someone I would never know and she would never tell me. I found out she started drinking and she said this guy always flirted with her and was much older.  He asked her to marry him and she said yes.  We went through much counseling but she quit.  She said she felt too much guilt.  She never admitted after that she was an alcoholic and she promised me she would never tell me who he was.  I have spent 9 years of my life obsessed with this man.  I wish she would have told me from the start so I could let it go.  Now it is like he is in our bed.  I found out in our many attempts to have children and seeing doctors she thought I was sterile even though tests said different.  She admitted she was trying to get pregnant with him.  We went through in vitro and found out she couldn't produce a viable egg so we used an egg donor.  We have a beautiful son who is the joy of both of our lives.  I know she is the mother but I know I am his real father. She doesn't want to tell him when he is older.  I feel like it will someday be my revenge….but who am I to continue this sickness. It is I who can't deal 9 years actually 19 years of lying and cheating.  I feel this great secret is to protect her lover as a back up plan.  Its all a guessing game for me because she will not tell me the truth.  If she did not admit it to me and her entire family I would have never known.  I feel in order to get the sickness out of my head I need to care for myself and find solice in a secret affair.  Something I can take to the grave and enjoy in my inner thoughts.  That is how I feel.  I am 58 and I have known joy and anger.  I have a multigenerational business that could go down the chute if I don't stay at the top of my game.  I have begged her to come clean and quit protecting this lover but she would end our marriage before she told me.  None of her friends have ever known about this affair.  She has no close friends and her family is at war over jealousy and anger.  One thing..she told was me her older brother molested her when she was 5 and older.  How common it is to hear that story in this farm community with a church on every corner.
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3746363 tn?1348069536
It has been 3 years since I CAUGHT my husband cheating on me with one of his co workers, who has since been escorted from the facilities' premises for stealing narcotics. She was a charge nurse whom he'd begun "confiding" in about our problems - rather than come to me. Ironically, he's never been a communicator, but I guess he trusted her, given her position as a "nurse" - she also happened to be the new "conquest" that was busily being turned like a doorknob within the predominantly male population within the confines of their work facility - I know, typical, scorned-wife statement there.....merely the absolute truth.
In my husband's deluded fantasy, mid-life, BS state-of-mind, confiding turned to friendship, flirting and while I was away for a week, pornograghic images being sent by her per his request,  via FB. By the time I returned, he was trying his damndest to create an argument in which he walked out the door and in with a friend - a plan he had previously put in order. He was then free to "move about the cabin", and behave in a manner of a separated, unattached person. Within a week, he had sex with her - supposedly for the first time. I'm supposed to believe that over the course of the month he was out of our house, they had sex a total of only 4 times.
I'll spare you the lurid, depressing details, but say this - by FAR, the two things most devastating? #1 - He's NEVER admitted ANYTHING, I stumbled upon the filthy, online exchanges and #2 - most devastating, I begged him to accompany me on a cruise, Dec. 14-17, 2012, a desperate attempt to save our 20-year marriage - (long before discovering his affair) - he agreed to go on the cruise, it was Magic - we came home renewed & he agreed to come home, only he would have to return to his friend's house that night, December 17th - since his uniform & gear were there at his friend's home. It seemed logical at the time & I had no reason to question or doubt my husband's word then.
It wasn't until January 31st, 2013 - after he'd returned home to us, celebrated the holidays and life had returned to " normal", that I discovered the filthy email exchanges and her nude photos on my husband's open computer in our living room. Worse, it wasn't until June 20th, 2013 I finally noticed the JPEG date on one of the photos that blew his "sex with her once" lie. The JPEG date read "12-18-2012" 1:30am......that would be the night we got home from the MAGICAL cruise, when he had to return to his friend's house and leave from there for work that day for 5:15am - he called her that night, she came running and he had sex with her AFTER WE RETURNED FROM THE CRUISE, went to work and then came home to me and our children...........I'm beyond devastated. It's been 3 damn years.
I've been a good wife, a devoted wife. We have 5 children - I keep myself up well, I keep a beautiful home, I've been available to him &  for everyone for everything. I've put my career aspirations on hold for the sake of his and the family. I have lost over 50 pounds SINCE 2013 from my already healthy frame & now share clothes with my 14 year old, a size 5 juniors. Meanwhile, hes still pre-diabetic, somewhere around 300, lazy, lethargic and full of empty promises and always soooooo tired - favorite pastimes - tv & napping. I'm in my mid-40s w/ 5 kids - society isn't kind to the woman - it's the man who skates away, smelling like a rose who reaps sympathy. I don't want sympathy but I'm not giving up my life either. So I suffer in silence.
This is the cross I now carry - Why? I ask myself that all the time. What did I do to deserve this?
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973741 tn?1342346373
Hi there.  Welcome to the forum pampered.  This is a very old post.  It helps to write your own post to get responses to your own situation.  Your story is very painful to read so can't imagine living it!  I'm really sorry ---  so very sorry this has been your situation.  infidelity crushes us.  And your husband single handedly ruined your family.  And I agree with you, it's difficult for a woman in her 40's to be divorced with kids.  We try to go on with life with a lot of things stacked up against us at that point.  We do it because *WE* are loyal to our children and would never consider letting them down.  Women are strong and do what they have to do---  but being a divorced 40 and older woman is very hard.  Men don't seem to have it as hard---  they are still dating easily and whatnot.  

Life really is NOT fair in this regard.  Again, sorry for your difficulties and struggles.  peace
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'Not affectionate enough' is an excuse because in most cases, once should look first at oneself for causes, rather than blaming others.  If everyone made the assumption that the were 51% of the cause of any issue, think how easy it would be to solve them?
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973741 tn?1342346373
Hi there.  This is a really old post.  The original poster is long gone.  thanks!
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I have been dating my boyfriend for seven years.

Recently, I found out that he was dating a girl for a bit about two years ago for a whole year and a half on and off when we were at a rocky stage in our relationship.

At that time, I had just moved back in to his place and he had started a business with a friend. He was really stressed at the time, nothing was going his way and he had spent an ungodly amount of money on this new business. The man was a nervous wreck and always stressed about money.

About 4 months after moving in, I moved out because he was confused and seemed as though he needed space. I had found out that he had lied to me about a person in his phone who had been contacting him. He had said it was one person, when it was really another. I was very angry at him because he had NEVER LIED to me before, but he told me that if he had originally told me who it was, I would have been mad and blown things out of proportion.  I moved out with my daughter to my parents for 3 months, then came back home. We never really had a clear cut conversation about what our relationship was, but we were still sleeping together and acted as we did before. For about a year or so, though, things were really rocky. He would easily get annoyed with me and just seemed unhappy with himself and life in general. I thought it was more with himself and the business that was failing…nothing to do with me.

Fast forward another year….things have been great OR at least I thought they were. We seemed to have a really good thing going. We made time for each other, had fun together when we could, made love, have family time with my daughter. IT seemed like we were getting this whole family thing down pat. Everything seemed hunky dory, until a woman contacted me via Facebook and said that she just needed to “get to the bottom of things”. She knew me as my boyfriend’s ex and she was just wondering if that’s really what I was.

To make an extremely LONG story short, I ended up calling the girl. She basically told me it took a lot of courage to contact me and she said that she had dated my boyfriend for a bit. From what I gather, it looked like it was a relationship that lasted a year to a year and a half….on and off maybe….They didn’t really see each other all that much. However, though, about 6 months ago, they went on a break, but very recently he had contacted her about missing her etc. They also within the last two months saw a movie together and he kissed  her after when they were in the parking lot. I also believe that they may have had sex within the past six months. I don’t know really. The girl was very fuzzy on the dates of things. She said that she felt used and stringed along.

He however, said that it seriously had started out with them being friends and texting. Come to know, the person who he had lied to me about previously was this chick. Then when we hit that rough time, they started talking more and more and things started to develop. He felt as though when he was with her, he could get away from all the ******** he was dealing with at home. He would just go over to her place and do menial things, nothing spectacular. He said it was nice to get away from all the chaos that was going on in his real life. But I know that they had sex. According to the girl “a lot”. All the sweet things he said to her, he really just sort of is brushing them under the rug like he didn’t mean them.

Basically, now I am at a standstill. My boyfriend has never lied to me until this point in time. He is or was a trust worthy person and I prided him always on being loyal and not a cheater. Even his friends and family were shocked that he would or could do something like this.

My thing is, why did he allow me to move back in when he was seeing someone else. That were at least two other times during the course of the past two years, he could have broken things off with me and it wouldn’t even have been his fault.
I mean if he wanted to be with this girl, why didn’t he leave me for her?

I am not angry about the situation necessarily.  I only get angry once in a while about it when I go back and look at the proof she sent me of their relationship. Like the pictures they took together or recent text messages. You might as well of photo shopped my head in there because it was like seeing myself with him, not some other girl.

I am just hurt, confused, and feel completely side swiped by this. The more I read about cheating, the more it seems as though it’s so common place in this day and age. You can’t trust anyone and the temptation to go outside what you have is very strong.

I just need advice should I stay or should I go? Is this even worth working through? He said that he would completely understand if I wanted to leave, though he doesn’t want me to go. However, with this whole thing he seems more disappointed in himself then that remorseful. Then again, though, this man is NOT the best at showing his emotions. He seems unsure of our relationship and though things were not perfect in it, I thought we were doing well and that we had a good thing going.

Any guidance, experience, or recommendations would be much appreciated.
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14552765 tn?1435125116
You are so right.  In the early part of our marriage, my husband made it look like he was listening and compromising from the heart.  Later he admitted that maybe he stopped doing one thing only to do the same behavior in a different way, i.e., delete one dating profile only to create a different one with a different email address.  All hidden and done behind my back. All the while feeding his ego with the attention of other women. He recently emailed pictures of a woman in explicit photos to himself from one of these private accounts. He doesn't see that he did anything wrong. I feel that he disrespected me and our marriage. I stopped wearing my ring. If I mean so little to him, then why live a lie and allow others to believe that I am happily married.
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I am so glad I found this site. My fiancée cheated on me with a young lady he met on Plenty of Fish. They have been together for a year and I am so done. I don't know what to do I have cried while shopping, going and coming from work, before going to bed, waking up, watching tv...omg I can't stop crying. I don't know what to do he was so upset when I found out that he couldn't go to work. He did show remorse but it seems like it was because he had to chose between her and I. I contacted the woman and she sent me all the text messages between the two of them and the one that hurt me the most is he didn't want to marry me. He only agreed to the marriage because his family was around and that he was serious about being with her.  He said that he was only saying that to her because he was just stringer her along and he didn't know where my head was.  We were breaking up so much before the proposal that he didn't want to be alone.  But my thing is he continued and then turned around and proposed to me a few months after I proposed to him.  He said he wanted to do it to make it official.  But he continued until I found out this October 2nd.  I can never forget this day. The woman was hurt but not as much as me.  I started drinking and hated to come home to him.  I look at him differently now and he ask me everyday what can he do to make things better.  But at the same time it feels like he is still cheating.  I think he is trying to keep me off guard so he can go back to do him.  I don't know what I feel right now. The trust is gone.  I am so tired of checking his phone and I am so tired of crying.  I want to just let it go, I am hurting so bad. And he is not. How does he get to just move on?  How is it so easy for him? Why do I feel less than nothing? Why can't he hurt like hell? Why do I deserve this? I was never one to be insecure but I am now. I feel less than nothing he could go be with someone and invest quality time with her. Texting her saying he misses her, how sexy she is, that he wants to be with her, and how I am not what he wants. Why would God do this to me?
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Hello. Do you have any updates on your situation? Your story is very similar to mines and our emotions are very much the same.
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He put himself into your marriage by having an affair with your wife. By not telling his wife you are enabling his lies and are party to them. I admonish you to tell everyone - his coworkers, wife, friends, family, tell your friends, your wife's friends and family. Tell everyone. It will end the affair and give you the support you need.
When someone dies in your family - do you keep it to yourself or share with friends and family? An affair is no different. Share it with everyone.
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Hello, I just read your story. Can you give us a little update please? My husband cheated on me with the mother of his child. She became pregnant as a result. I had no children with him when he cheated. I stayed & became pregnant about 4 months later. That was 12 years ago. Maybe about a year ago I learned to live with it. It still hurts and it FOREVER will. I am happy with out relationship now, but it was HELL over and over again living through it. Everyone gave me the same advice you received but we will always do what our heart tells us to.
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Wow this is truly so sad. How men can cheat on their wives whom they have been married to for 10+, 20+ years... Are you guys telling me, men will never change. They will always cheat at any age? No matter how long u been together or eveb if theyve been caught already before... This is really sad.


My husband and i been together since 2009. Married in 2014.. he cheated on me in 2013. While we had a 2 yr old and i was pregnant...

Its been 3 yrs and i still cant get over this. Like honestly i seem more angry now than i did when it happened. Idk how to get through this honestly, any suggestions??

I guess its a personal issue of me just not wanting to forgive him. Even tho i know i should. I thought i did when i took him back and decided to marry him but then the girl contacted me on facebook this yr in feb while i wss pregnant with our third child basically throwing things in my face of what hes tokd her about me. Apparently im crazy and she said some crazy stuff like i dont see how you keep having kids, he told me you guys never had sex thats why he always comes back to me.. he said they only had sex once... She also threw the fact that she loved seeing my husbands privates in pics and videos. Oh yea same day she messages me she texts him... Mind u he changed his number when i caught them the first time. She texts his new number.   How??? Why?? He said he doesnt remember giving her his number again or if he did it wad when i wad asking fir her name and he basically contacted her to tell her that i wss gonna come question her or sum bs like that...  So now i am even more mad sbout everything and everywhere i turn its someone named ericka(girl he cheated on me with) her name on tv. Books. Signs. Stores. Everywhere. So now everytime i see her name or hear it i get mad at him for cheating on me. Im really confused. I should seek a couselor but having three kids and a stay at home mom i know we cant afford that. I guess he is sorry or was but ive been bringing up him cheating in argyments now that hes probably annoyed with saying sorry but arent they supposed to be remoreseful until i can heal. Bthen i see where he is coming from bc i am lashing out at him bc i am hurt. How could he her meet like this. Still cant accept it i guess thats step one.
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