Will the pain ever stop after an affair?

I learned a week before Christmas my husband had been having an affair for at least 6 months. I found a love letter from his girlfriend in his work bag. We have been together for 21 years. I have never felt so much pain. I can't get thoughts and images of them together out of my head. I don't know what she looks like but I picture someone much prettier. I do know she's 3 years younger than me. Of course. He travels so it's easy. He as a hotel room and he's in another state and they work together.
I'm tired of crying all the time and thinking about them. I cry in the shower, in my car to work, during lunch, in the car on the way home and when I go to bed.
We have 2 children and I don't want to hurt them.  I have thought of divorce but of course my husband is sorry...he lost his way...didnt realize what he had. All the typical answers you would expect to hear. I don't know what to do. I feel like a fool. I have always felt ugly and now i really feel ugly.  I had a feeling something was going on all last summer but I was told no and that I'm being ridiculous. Then the truth comes out only because I caught him. What if I didn't find that letter?
I have been told by others to let him go because he will do it again. I have been told I deserve better. My dad cheated on my mom. My neighbors I grew up next to, he cheated on her. My sister in law is currently having an affair, our newest neighbors are divorced due to an affair. Does everyone cheat now? Does anyone know what it means to be married? I have thought of revenge. I know there's one guy if I asked him to have sex with me he would. I've thought about doing it to put him in just as much pain as I'm in, but then I realize I'm a better person and I know right from wrong. It would make me just as sleazy as him.
I want to know if his affair is over. He says yes, I don't believe him. I want to know everything about her that is better than me....he won't tell.  I want to know if the pain will go away? Will I ever trust him again? Will I ever forgive him? Am i going to be made a fool of again if i stay? Will I ever love him again?

[Londres70]

Let me start by saying I have never had to deal with a cheating husband.  I can't imagine the pain and betrayal you are going through.  

Have you all even consider counselling at all to try to sort this out?  He really needs this because he needs to FULLY understand why he resorted to this exactly.  Just saying he "is sorry...he lost his way...didnt realize what he had" isn't sufficient enough.  

It is unfortunate the number of couples in this situation; seems like it is an epidemic.  

Have you all had any major marital issues in the past?  

Will the pain ever go away?  That's a difficult one to answer.  

[ku111]

I have been married for 20 years and something like this would cause a tremendous amount of hurt.  I guess I would want to know for a fact it is truly over and if it is truly over I'd have to have proof.  I really do think you can feel things when you have been with someone this long.  Do you feel it is better?  We would have to get counseling for it to ever work because we would need to know where it wrong, how to fix it and exactly 100% open about the affair.  I would except no less from my marriage if it were to work.  Regardless, this has very much effected you.  I would get individual therapy also.  I am kinda a guarded person and always have been.  My dad used to tell me a few things when I was growing up and it just stuck.  He would say there are only 2 people in this world you can truly trust.  One is yourself and the other is God.  Of course he also said sex means absolutely nothing if this is what your relationship is based on-friendship stands the true test of time.  I look at others who give themselves whole heartedly to their partner and I envy this but I have never been able to 100%.  Sad but true.  I hope you can get back to where you need to be.  I am most impressed by you being the better person.  I agree with not throwing a stone back (I'd probably want to-really hard!LOL) but I am me and could not.  One step at a time.  Get yourself better/stronger and then all will fall into place with him or without him.  Regardless, you will be in a better place.  ((hugs))  I wish you the best!

[TTinKKerBBell]

I was married for 15 years and had 3 Children with a man who cheated countless, numerous times.  Every Feeling, every Thought, every Emotion, etc., You have described here is Typical, Normal, and Shared by every Woman whose Husband has cheated.  My heart is heavy for You.  This will be a long journey.

p.s.
No, EVERYONE does not cheat.  You didn't, I didn't and the Husband I have today does not.  There are others.  This much I know is true.

[Carly1306]

I've had a partner cheat on my before. But I was younger - about 19 at the time so it wasn't that much of a big deal in the grand scale of things. But, at the time, it hurt like hell.

My dad cheated on my mum 2 years ago. And even though myself and my brother were grown up, it was awful. My mum and dad had been together nearly 25 years, married for 18 of those when this happened and it ripped my mums world apart. What he did was cause arguments saying he wasn't happy just to cause trouble in the relationship and left. I had asked him if there was someone else, because I had my suspicions and he denied it. He lied. We found out a few weeks later about the affair and that he had moved in with this women, despite telling us and my mum that he was just 'staying with a friend'.

For your own happiness, and your kids. I say he's not worth it. I think your family and friends are right in that he will do it again. He's done it once, and got away with it for however long, and so he'll do it again, in my opinion. Guys are pretty simple minded (no offense to the men on this forum!) and they don't think too much about the consequences of things. He'll just see that he did something, got caught, so he needs to change the way he goes about it. It won't stop him doing it again.

You are beautiful and you are special and if he can't see that and appreciate you without needed something from someone else, then there is something wrong with him, and he's not the man for you. Maybe he once was, but something has obviously changed and I just don't think (personally) that there is any going back from there.

Trust can make or break a relationship and when that trust is gone, then there's no going back. Even if you think you can forgive and forget, there will always be those doubts (however small) at the back of your mind, and even the slightest (could be innocent) thing he does  or says, could make you doubt him. Do you really want to live like that. Do deserve so much better, and someone who appreciates you for all that you are and doesn't want to look elsewhere. You really do.

I do think some sort of councelling would be beneficial. It can help you work out your feelings and help your confidence and help you come to the right decision for you.

My mum, and myself, thought the world was over when this happened. But now, we're all happier than we've been in YEARS. She's out more than she's at home. She has a better social life than me, and I'm in my 20s!

I really do wish you the best.

[Fool2011]

We did counseling two times and he doesn't like going. Thinks we need to do it on our own. He says he's been unhappy for awhile because according to him I am not affectionate enough.

[Fool2011]

Thank you for your comments.
To kitkat1306- my worry is what you said. He will do it again...or is still doing it just is better at hiding it.
Thanks again.

[Carly1306]

I think him saying you're not being affectionate enough is just an excuse to make it seem okay for what he done. Like you'll think 'oh poor him, it's my fault for not being affectionate enough so this is why he's had to go elsewhere' - absolute rubbish. If that were a problem, he could bring it up with you and you two could work on it as a couple. There's just no need to go looking elsewhere.

If it is your worry that he'll do it again, or get better at hiding then that really does show that the trust is most definitely gone from your relationship. He broke that trust, and quite frankly, he doesn't deserve it back either. It's not fair on you to have to be in a relationship where you would always doubt yourself and if you're being affectionate enough or always wondering where he is, what he's doing and looking at everything to see if it's suspicious or not. That's no way to live, and you deserve so much more than that.

Everything you're feeling is completely normal for what you're going through, so don't think you're alone in those thoughts. Not every man is a cheater. I think it takes someone very weak, to cheat. And do you want to be with someone who is weak like that? He might feel guilty or bad about what he's done, on some level. But he obviously can't feel that bad about it, otherwise the guilt would have made him stop.

[mami1323]

I'm so sorry to hear of your pain.  I went through this with my husband.  It was over 3 years ago and he had a long term affair.  About a year and a half, with a girl who he met at his job.  He was a personal trainer and she was a member at the gym.  When I found out about it, my world was crushed.  We had been together for 5 years, which is a lot less time then you and your husband, although the pain still intense.  He cheated while we planned our wedding and all throughout my pregnancy and I found out when my son was 9 months old.  It is so hard to decide what you want to do.  Especially right when you just find out.  You go through so many ups and downs.  So many different feelings about it all.  One minute you feel like you love them, the next you despise them.  You want to stay and then you think it easier just to walk away.  My husband truly regretted cheating on me.  To this day, he feels remorse for it.  It caused so much pain and made me doubt him as a person.  Do I believe in once a cheat, always a cheat? No.  I do think people can change.  I don't think it's a mistake. I think an affair, especially an ongoing affair is done on a consious level.  They plan it, they know they are lying in order to sneak away.  Those things aren't a mistake.  I do think though that just because they do it that one time, they can realize how horrible it is to watch the person they love in so much pain, that they won't want to do it again.  The only problem is us believing it won't happen again.  I won't lie to you and say, yep, you will trust 100% again.  You won't.  But you will get to a better place over time.  The doubt will be there but it won't take over your mind.  You will eventually learn how to put the affair in the back of your mind.  You will learn to deflect the thoughts of the affair so that you can go about your day without letting them take over.  It takes a very long time though.  The first year after an affair is the hardest.  I to felt like a fool for taking him back and staying.  Now I feel it was the best thing ever.  My son has his father, I have my husband and we are a much stronger couple.  He's matured a lot, he puts his family first now.  You will fall in love again as long as your husband shows remorse, regret and has patience.  I also think you and him should go into counseling.  That was the first thing we did after the affair.  It is very hard to work things through without professional help.  Plus, you don't ever want this to happen again and a therapist can get to the bottom of why it happened and how to make sure it won't happen in the future.  Perhaps your husband was being honest about the affection.  It isn't an excuse at all, because he should've communicated that to you instead of cheating, however I wouldn't discount his reasons for it.  Maybe in his mind, you weren't being affectionate.  You both will have to work on things.  He will have to learn to come to you with his feelings instead of looking elsewhere.  Please know though that him having an affair has nothing to do with you though.  Even if you weren't as affectionate as he would've liked.  It's his responsibility to tell you.  Him having an affair was his character flaw.  Your husband will also need to be fully transparent for trust to be regained.  You need to KNOW that it's over with this woman.  Wondering if it is isn't enough.  I wish you the best of luck.  Please feel free to message me if you would like.

[TTinKKerBBell]

I agree that the trust is gone.  
Can it be rebuilt?
Who knows?  (probably not......not completely)

This has Forever changed who You thought You were Married to.  What You have to determine is if You can live with the new issues that His affair now brings to Your table.  You have a 20 year Marriage and 2 Children.  No one just "walks away" from all that.  You must realize You are going to be Sad and Unhappy for a long time to come - whether You leave, or whether You stay - this has changed Your world and it will take a LOT of work, on His part as well as Yours !!   If He wants to stay in the Marriage I would give Him the ULTIMATUM of counseling - it doesn't matter if He doesn't "like" it !!  OMGolly, You don't like it either !!  but He didn't give YOU a choice in this matter.  Who cares what He likes right now??  He EARNED it!!  This is His "consequence" if He wants to save His marriage.  

Please, whatever You do - don't let Him make You feel that He did this because of You.   It's NOT about who You are - it's about who HE is.  Anyone who cheats has less Character, less Morals and fewer Standards than those who do not cheat.  No one cheats to "fix" what's wrong in a marriage and then finds a way to make You feel it's Your fault!!??  
(if You were broke and hungry - would it be Your fault if He sneaked around behind Your back and robbed a bank?)

Good luck to You from the bottom of my heart

[Londres70]

Well, he definitely needs to get some type of counselling with you or on his own.  Don't let him try to put this on you as he is RESPONSIBLE for his own behavior.  Sounds like some kid (4 year old) saying "My hand made me steal that toy."  REAL men discuss issues not go out and cheat.  

Plus, you shouldn't go comparing yourself to this woman.  Prettier, thinner, etc. has NOTHING to do with men cheating.  Hollywood starlets are getting cheated on too even AFTER all the liposuction, face-lifts, etc.

All the above posters have given alot of good insight.  As I stated earlier I have never personally experienced this, but I have friends and family that have and the ones that tried to stay and work things out have had alot of difficult times.  

[Fool2011]

I would like to believe that there is some hope in saving a 21 year relationship, but I just don't know. It affects my every day life to the point where I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up. At first I was taking a lot of Benadryl just so I could sleep and not think about them together. I sit at work and do a poor job because my mind is elsewhere.
I agree with making him go back to counseling. Who cares if he doesn't like it. I don't like the situation he has put me in.
I've been worried about what my financial situation would be like. It would be bad. He makes so much more than me. He would end up with a girlfriend and live comfortably on his income while I struggled.
I don't know, I am just all over the place.  I'm just trying to find a way to get through this and don't know how. I've talked to five others and it wasn't til I talked to my sister that I finally had some strength. When I found this site I was happy that I may actually get some advice from people who have been in my shoes. All your comments have helped me. Lol I still have no clue what the hell I want or what I'm gonna do, but I at least know I'm not crazy and there's always someone to talk to.
Thanks again. Even though I don't know any of you I'm glad to now have you in my life and to know you're there when I need to talk. :)

[TTinKKerBBell]

I so Completely and Totally understand the Emotions You've described.  Dealing with my Husband's affair(s) was one of the Tallest Mountains I have climbed.  My Husband never stopped having affairs and it included Friends and Relatives and although my Pain was indescribable it still took me 15 years to take control of my life. I would never wish You to suffer this way for 15 YEARS but. none the less, I would encourage You to take Your time, don't make a rash decision.  I would insist that He join You for counseling but whether He goes or not, whether the Marriage survives or not - You need the counseling for YourSelf.  Does He want the Marriage to survive?  If so, counseling would be a small "price" for Him to pay - not to mention the Benefit OF and the Necessity FOR the Survival of His Marriage.  What He did is a terrible, terrible thing - He just shot You through the Heart AND the Gut - You need medical attention (counseling) - and it would be Helpful to Him also!!  If He's truely remorseful He will do this for the sake of His Wife AND His Children (They are affected too!!)
Good Luck

[specialmom]

I'm late to the post but the members here have taken good care of you.  I wish you well on your journey and peace in your heart.  

[shell921]

agree with londres--counseling. he has to go. insist on it. no all men do not cheat but i think over 50% of them do. he needs to understand what hurt and pain he has caused you and unless and until he does you get can't past this. please insist he go to counseling. the only people you should try and get even with are the people who have HELPED you. revenge is never sweet and will make you feel bad about yourself.

[shell921]

mami says  "I also think you and him should go into counseling.  That was the first thing we did after the affair.  It is very hard to work things through without professional help.  Plus, you don't ever want this to happen again and a therapist can get to the bottom of why it happened and how to make sure it won't happen in the future..."

and i so agree with this. you MUST INSIST the two of you go to counseling. he owes that much to you and your marriage - whether he wants to go or not. he is afraid of getting chewed out by a counselor. too bad !!  he needs to go. insist.

[mami1323]

You are NOT crazy!!!  Believe me, I understand that feeling.  So many thoughts are running through your mind but it's not because you're crazy it's because the person you dedicated your life to has betrayed you.  Shattered your life.  Every day is going to be a struggle for awhile.  I read your other post and I'm sorry that your husband isn't doing what he's supposed to be doing right now for you.  If he was serious about making changes then he would do whatever it is you ask of him right now.  Which means going to counseling, giving you access to his phone and not getting frustrated when you can't forgive him right now.  Forgiveness comes in its own time and it can't be forced.  It took me almost 2 years to forgive my husband.  I would pretend each and every day and I would put on a facade as if I was happy.  I faked my way through our lives every day until a year ago.  When I finally let go of the hurt and said to myself that I would not let these 2 people control my happiness.  I will not allow myself to be the victim any longer.  They both had moved on.  She was dating, on match.com and going on vacations, eventually moving away, he was happy because he had his family still and I was the only one who was struggling.  It didn't seem fair to me.  I took back the power that was taken from me.  If your husband doesn't want to work on this, which means doing whatever it takes to make things right then you need to take care of yourself.  You go to therapy without him.  Perhaps if you work on you, you will find yourself knowing that you don't really need him.  

[Londres70]

Mami's words are very empowering and speak the truth.  Absolutely!

[el_em_en_oh]

I've been cheated on, and once the trust is gone, it's gone.

Whether you've been together for 1 year, 5 years, 10 years, or 20 years... trust lost is trust lost. And in your case, 21 years worth of trust lost.

You guys might go to counseling, and he might truly be sorry and remorseful, and might honestly never cheat again... BUT,

a) will you ever be able to trust him fully again?
b) are you okay being with a man that you don't fully trust?
and
c) will your heart ever be satisfied by anything he says or does, ever again?

There are more questions I'm sure I could add to the list, but those jump out at me.

The question isn't a HIM question, it's a YOU question.

Can YOU live with it (assuming he's willing to work on it)?

[Fool2011]

That's what I think about the most. Right now I hate him and occassionally think I might still love him. I just don't know. I'm worried the trust will never come back and that does scare me.
My dad cheated on my mom a few times and I used to always say she was spineless for staying with him.  Now I'm in her shoes and don't know what to do.

[Carly1306]

What you're feeling is normal. Of course you hate him at times. He cheated on you, and ruined this trust, this bond, and family that you've build up over 20 odd years. Of course you still love him though. This is the man who you've been with and married to and built up a life and family with over the years, and no matter what he does - that love doesn't just turn off straight away.

It's always different when you're the one going through it, and what you imagined or thought you would do in that situation is never how you actually feel if you do go through it.

What you need to do is decide if that love you still hold for this man is strong enough to over come that the trust has been broken and if you can return to being in a relationship with him. It's not going to be easy, but you know it's what you need to do.

[Fool2011]

Omg I think I may have gone too far. I'm starting to freak out a bit. I knew the first name of the girl my husband had an affair with. Long story short I found her. On one of the sites I checked to get info on her, had a profile picture of an ultrasound! I am making myself so sick over this picture. I keep telling myself it's not right, but I searched other people I know and there are no pictures. I also found out she still works with him and he told me she quit. I don't know how to handle this without freaking out. I'm alo worried he's going to lie about it all.
Help....

[remar]

If you did'nt have a last name then it may not be her. How did you find out she still works with him? My heart really goes out to you. Keep all of us posted on how you are doing.

[TTinKKerBBell]

You may never know/have the answers to all Your questions, Your suspicions.  You need to get Peace for Your own Piece of Mind (sanity).  Please, I encourage You to get Therapy for YourSelf.  This is the sort of thing that can make You crazy.  This much I know is true.  I spoke earlier of my 1st husband's numerous affairs.  I strongly suspect he fathered 3 other Children; 2 with friends of mine  and 1 with one of my Brother's Wives. (he had affairs with Both my Brothers wives!!).  I don't know if this Child (a grown Man now with Children of His own) is my Nephew or my StepSon??!!  I still see my Brother's wives, and trust me on this one - this stuff really, really does freak You out and can make You crazy if You don't find Your way to peace.  This too, I know is true.  I FEEL FOR YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART.

[Fool2011]

I knew what her last name started with. When I found her she matched his description. Age...hair....position at work. My next step is to call the company to see if she is there, then question him. I know I'm just driving myself crazy, but I've become obsessed with finding out who she is.

[TTinKKerBBell]

Please, reread my above post.  I promise You, it will not make You feel "better" to know who she is, or if she's  still a co-worker.  You already know all You need to know - Your husband was unfaithful, You know He lied, He cheated and was He deceitful - any more detail than that is "unnecessary" and to search for more is "wallowing" in the mud and the mire. You summed it up YourSelf when You said:

"I know I'm just driving myself crazy"

It NEVER "helped" me IN ANY WAY to know who the other woman was. Sometimes it was worse for me to know her.  This much I know is true.

[Londres70]

Will agree with Tink.  You are searching for this other woman for what?  What will that solve?  I think it will only make matters worse on you mentally.  It was your husband that betrayed you NOT her.  She may or may not have KNOWN he was married, however, it takes two to play and your husband KNEW he was married.  Put the blame where it is due; your hubby.

I would HIGHLY recommend getting to therapy about this like yesterday BEFORE you come "completely" unglued over this.  Sounds like you are going to have a nervous breakdown.  

Take care of yourself.

[Fool2011]

Well he saw the site I had found her picture on because I still had it open on my iPad. Anyway it all came out. She does still work there. I needed to know this to know whether or not he was still lying and he was. He said he told me she quit so I wouldn't worry every time he went to Texas, but I worried anyway cuz she lives there.
I know I need therapy or drugs....I just have to make myself an appointment. He says she's not pregnant and he feels better that now I know everything.
So I guess we'll see how it goes from here.
Next step I guess is to try and fix me.
Thanks for listening to me and for eveyones advice.

[mami1323]

I have to say, I agree with what the other ladies say but I also didn't follow any of what they advised.  I also went out and searched for the other woman.  I had her name from my husband's phone when I caught the affair and I did a search and found her facebook page.  I found out where she lived.  I even went and opened a fake account and friended her just so I could get details to make sure the affair was over.  I also found out where she was working and because I knew all these details I was able to catch any numbers on his phone bill that were coming from her job.  I used my fake facebook to talk with her and was able to put my mind at ease because the affair was over.  I know, I know, I sound stalkerish but when you don't know what to believe, and the person who you're with was lying to you, you want answers, you want the truth.  You don't know what they are saying to be true, so you make sure you find it out.  I drove myself nuts though and I looked at her pics to see if I found any where she looked good.  Fortunately, there were none...lol.  It wasn't healthy but I just had to understand what he saw in her.  I couldn't grasp what was so attractive about her.  Part of that letting go so I wasn't a victim, was no longer looking at her pictures.  No longer searching her out.  But I did get one good dig in.  Every now and then I would look her up on facebook and I found an event she created which was a good bye party for her.  She was moving to North Carolina.  Anyway, her event was open to the public so I used that fake account I had set up and wrote this on the wall "Well the women in North Carolina better be careful with their husbands/boyfriends around you.  I feel bad for them, especially if they're pregnant, since you like to sleep with men that are taken.  Good luck to them."  LOL....that was my little childish dig but geez, she slept with my husband for a year and a half, knowing we were together, knowing I was pregnant and she didn't care.  Well I didn't care that all her friends, family and coworkers now knew what type of woman she was ;)

Anyway, don't follow in my shoes because even though it felt somewhat better, it didn't really take back what happened.  And at the end of the day, my husband should've been more responsible to me then she was.  Work on you and everything else will fall into place.  Your husband can't lie about anything anymore. Not even the smallest infraction.  You will worry all the time regardless, but the more he tries to cover things up, the worse things will get.  Tell him to start looking for a new job.

[Londres70]

I am so sorry you are struggling through this.  

You needed to know whether he was lying or not so that's why you were seeking her out?  Well, dear....it is obvious he is NOT to be trusted just from the mere fact he had an affair behind your back.  

Your statement...."He says she's not pregnant and he feels better that now I know everything." ....  He feels better?  What about you?  If he had any interest in you "feeling better" he WILL go to therapy.  He apparently can't stop lying in regards to this affair.  

Your statement...."Next step I guess is to try and fix me."  Hmmm... I wouldn't say that.  The next step is to try to cope and rebuilt your life AFTER this devastation your husband has done.  He NEEDS the "fixing".

I commend anyone who stays and works through these situations because I know I couldn't.

Hang in there......and get help for you to cope with this and get some redirection.  

[Nsecure]

Let me start by saying that I am a husband, and the betrayed spouse. My wife had an affair with my very best friend, family friend, whom I was the best man at his own wedding. My wife and I had a great marriage for just over 10 years that had a sudden turn for the worst after moving to LA. I was heartbroken. Her sudden outbursts at me were weighing heavy on my heart and mind, so I drove home to talk about finding "us" again. I said "I feel like you are going to ask me for a divorce." She replied, "I am. I can't live like this anymore." I couldn't figure it out. I freaked out. I thought I had convinced her to stay, but over the next few months, despite feeling like I was making headway, she just kept telling me that we were no closer to staying together.

Now, my friend lived in SD, but we talked everyday. I would share everything with him because he was the kind of guy that had a great positive view on life. He was a glass half-full type guy our whole friendship (many times to an annoying detriment). Little did I know that he was actually twisting what I said to my wife to get her to fall deeper for him, and it worked. She quit sleeping with me, she rarely spoke to me, and when we were together, she was vacant. It was torture. I later learned that she was sleeping with him 1-2 times a week while I was at work (she didn't work, and he worked for the same company that I did). A few months later, she took a trip to Vegas with some friends for a bachelorette party, obviously I'm thinking that this is where she could potentially make her moral shift, so I'm panicked. However, she had already stopped to be with him before meeting her friends, and then again on the way home!!

The sad part is that this was over 3 years ago. Now, we will go up and down, depending on my psyche. There are times when I will think of what happened, and just be like "whatever...", but many times, it crushes me, either openly, or I will just keep it inside. What she doesn't really understand is that I now don't know who to trust or turn to. They feel like, well, I'm not doing it currently, so....., but I thought that before.

I now have more issues than I care to admit, and I being able to feel secure in my friendships and marriage. She has taken ownership of her indiscretions, but THAT doesn't help either. She will say, "I own my crap, what do you want me to do?", and it feels just as bad as if she made excuses. To me if often feels like, "yep, I screwed up, but it's over. Time to move on!" I honestly don't know what else she could do, short of building a time machine. It is just a huge eye opener to the real way people treat each other, and that there really is no such thing as a fairytale. I wish you, and everyone good luck. Don't ever believe that men and women can grow close without considering what "could be"....just my thoughts.  

[Drod2010]

I mean 21 years of married and he had a affair., I know the pain that you're going through cause I am going thru the same thing. I and my husband have been married for almost 2 years and we are young, he is 25 and I am 24. We got married at a young age, but we have 2 kids together. After I caught him I dont think I can trust him ever again. He had kicked me out the house for some girl to come and drink with him, He said that they didnt do anything else but I cant believe that cause this isnt the 1st time, I tried couseling and nothing he is still the same person to this day, I left for 3 weeks with my kids and he hasnt seem them, he calls and texts me all day that he is sorry and that he wont do it again, he also says that he isnt talking to that girl anymore, but I once again I cant believe / trust him. and as far as for  the pain that is always going to be there, always like they say "U CAN FORGIVE BUT U CANT FORGET"

[Fool2011]

I'm learning pretty much most men are sexual douche bags. They think with their dicks and beg for forgiveness later.
If you're husband has done this before and is doing it again after only two years of marriage I'm guessing he's not gonna change.
My husband and I met in high school and I thought we had something special, but I guess I was wrong. He was able to throw everything away for some **** in Texas.
I have heard from a few people it takes years to forgive them. Most of them it took 10 years, but they finally forgave. Forget ...... Nope that's never going to happen. Right now I don't see how forgiving is ever going to happen, but at some point I'm going to have to if I want to stay with him.
Lets face it....sounds like a good portion of the male population are all the same. I know personally ten couples where the husband cheated on the wife. That's not very hopeful. My own parents are in that group. I guess the odds weren't good for me because they say you marry your dad and as much as I tried to avoid it....I did it.
I sound very bitter and I'm sorry. I'm hoping one day I wont be so bitter and can talk to others and help them through their pain.
I hope you can figure out what you need and should do. It's a very hard decision, but unfortunately you're the only one who can make that choice.
Best of luck to you

[mami1323]

Girl I was right there with you in that thinking and you know what, I wound up channeling all that hurt and anger and used it to help people.  Do you know who I wound up becoming friends with over the entire cheating situation?  Brandi Glanville from the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills!  Her and I bonded over our experiences.  I also wrote a blog and it helped other women who were cheated on but too afraid to talk about it.  I helped other women feel ok about their decisions and not so alone.  When you go through the pain of being cheated on it's nice to know you are not all by yourself in it.  Plus comforting to know that other women decided to stay and work on the relationship and fully recovered their relationship.  Sort of gives you hope for your situation.  

[TTinKKerBBell]

Infidelity is ALWAYS painful, to Each and EveryOne!! but I believe, Truely and Sincerely, that when it's a "long term" Marriage and when it involves "numerous" Children - that it adds ANOTHER dimension.  I DO NOT minimize Anyones pain -  but I kinda, sorta feel "others" minimize the "other", the "bigger", the "different" dynamics that come into play when one is no longer young, when one has SEVERAL Children, when it is a MARRIAGE of a significant number of YEARS.  I think Everyone would agree that it's one thing to start "anew" when one is still Young, perhaps in Their 20's but it DOES, it really, really DOES add ANOTHER dimension when one is in Their 30's or 40's and there are "older" Children involved, and one feels life is "over".  AGAIN - I want to stress that I minimize NO ONE'S pain when One is dealing with betrayal BUT there are "some" circumstances that may be a "bit" harder to "pick up the pieces" and move on.  Two and even Three Children ADDS to the mix - 10, 15, 20+ years of Marriage, ADDS to the mix.  Personally, I feel my own situation might have been "somewhat" easier had I only ONE Child instead of THREE!!  and that it might have been "somewhat" easier to make a decision, a "choice" if I had only been married a "short" time as opposed to 15 YEARS!!  Infidely hurts ALL OF US in the SAME WAY in the SAME PLACE but "situations" differ which affect what and how we make our choices to "stay" or move on.  When one is 30 years old, 40 years old, when one has invested 15 or 20 YEARS!!  IT CANNOT BE COMPARED, ONE SITUATION TO ANOTHER.  There ARE differences.  Infidelity may be the same - life situations and circumstances are not!!  I understand Your delimma - I do, I do!!  I lived with my situation for 15 YEARS before I could make my move.  My situation was unique - so is Yours.

If You want Your Marriage to Survive, then I hope that it does!!   BUT if You come to feel You cannot move past or get beyond this - then that is okay too!!  If Your Marriage fails it is NOT because YOU couldn't "forgive" him - it's because You are unable to accept HIS shortcoming - that is NOT a weakness on Your part.  It takes IMMENSE strength to GO and it takes IMMENSE strength to stay.   Either way, You are a Strong Woman - don't short-sell YourSelf.  "Staying" is not easy - "Leaving" is not easy.  You are in for a tough journey either way!!

[cmommyof5]

hi after reading your story i just had to contact you. I just found out on june 24 that my husband had an affair. After 24 years and five children. For months before i found out about the affair he made me believe the reasons for his distance was my fault. I fought day and nigh to save my marriage. we are very faithful in our religion so I prayed daily for him to come back to me. well i got my prayers answered only to find out although I had something to do with it he also had an affair.
Wow have cried so much in the past six months and lost so much weight.the thing is he has cried so much in the past six months and now he is so sorry and loving and recommitted to me and the family. We are in counceling we pray together and he i doing everything i ask he has told me things even when he begged me not to ask cause it would hurt me. He has cried for hours in my arms.I know this man loves me. my question to you is how are you and your husband now does it get easier? do you cry less? help

[mami1323]

In my situation it did get easier.  We have completely rebuilt our relationship.  It has been almost 4 years since the affair and I would say that the first year was the hardest to get through.  I forgave him around year 2 and now we don't even talk about it at all.  I do think about it sometimes but I quickly change my thoughts so that I can avoid the pain of it.  Trust is not the same though.  I don't think it ever will be.  There will always be that small doubt when he goes out or when he's on his phone.  But he really doesn't give me reasons to believe he's doing anything.  We are happy and we seem stronger than ever.  It takes a lot of work but for me it was worth it.  

[GroovyDeeDee]

It has been 2 years since I learned of my husband's affair.  We had been married 18 years.  It has been so hard, but your husband sounds just like mine.  Once he turned around and recommitted himself to our family, he became more loving and helpful than he had ever been.  His dedication to repairing our relationship has remained and strengthened through the last two years.  We renewed our vows this year, and just celebrated our 20th anniversary.  It is the hardest thing I have ever gone through, and for most of the past two years, I thought I would never be the same.  But it did get easier.  It's still getting easier.  My faith has gotten stronger, and has helped me through this.  That and the realization that I truly love this man . .. and he truly loves me.  I could leave, but the hurt would not go away, and if I stay I have a man who is honestly in love with me and dedicated to showing me how much every day for the rest of my life.  People told me if I could get through the affair I would have a better, stronger marriage.  It took a long time, but I finally believe them.  Good luck, and God Bless!  Keep us all posted on how you're doing.  

[cmommyof5]

Thank you for your kind words. I've been sitting here this morning thinking will it ever be the same? My husband spent the weekend painting our living room shopping for things for the house, something he stopped doing. Then last night I went and brought her up again and he got very upset. I am so afraid that I am going to keep pushing him away. Lord knows I love my husband very much and although he is not like he used to be with me, he is on his way back and I know he really loves me. I just hope I am as lucky as you and with Faith Hope and Prayer we can make it. God Bless your and your family with many more years of love and happiness.

[mami1323]

At some point you won't bring her up anymore.  But what you're doing is totally normal.  They want to just move on.  They think because you said you want to stay and work on things that it will just go away.  They hope it will be that way.  Unfortunately, we don't work that way.  I know he's frustrated but he has to understand that you fight the feelings every second of the day.  The rollercoaster of emotions is so hard and you want to know things.  They want to forget and move on.  You will get to a point when you won't care to bring her up anymore.  Until then, he will need to have patience and keep reassuring you.  My suggestion, because this worked for me, every time I wanted to bring up the other woman, I would go write in my journal.  Instead of talking to him, I would let it out in other ways.  It helped me and I even wrote him letters but would never show him.  You will eventually find a place for that pain.

[Fool2011]

I am sorry to hear this. I also apologize it is taking me so long to respond.
The crying gets better. I did just cry the other day, but before that it was a few weeks. Not all day like it was too. It has now been 8 months since I found out and the pain is still incredible. The thoughts are not going away. I still think about the two of them all the time. I feel like my heart is ripped open again each time.
Knowing your husband is so remorseful I'm sure is a big help. At least you know he's going to do everything he can to fix what he did. Well....it can't be fixed but perhaps glued back together.  I hope things go well for you I really do. No one deserves this kind of pain.

[Fool2011]

To add what has been said. I was told the pain would eventually get better. I was told I am doing all the same things that other people did or are doing, who have gone through this. It is true.
Trust is the biggest issue. It will take a long time for that to happen....if it even does.  As mami said whenever he's texting....emailing....looking on the Internet and in my case when he travels.....there is doubt. I hope one day that goes away, but right now it looks like it is going nowhere.
Writing is a good way to get feelings out. I used to do that all the time. I however, have stopped ever since finding out about the affair. I just find it very hard to come up with words for my feelings without writing swears all over the page in big letters. :)
I hope everyone is doing well. I truly appreciate the chance to vent and get feedback from people who understand.

[RainLover71]

Once a cheat always a cheat--it's over in my book,I cheated on my woman and that was 2 years ago and I will never forgive myself because she was a wonderful woman but what we had I can never get back.When you cheat you lose everything.

[mami1323]

@Fool2011 Write girl!  Write those swear words if you have to.  Write whatever you feel.  Even if it is f-you.  It really does help!  And believe me, sometimes you think you won't know what to write and out comes like 3 pages of stuff that you've held in.  8 months is not a long time when it comes to recovering from cheating.  It took me a couple of years.  It does though get to a point where its not an every day thought anymore.  Now you may feel that you can't move on and maybe one day you will decide that you just can't get over it and want out.  I made no guarantees to my husband.  I told him that I may not be able to forgive him.  Eventually I did and I am in love with him all over again.  We value what we have even more.  Good luck honey!

@RainLover71 If you feel like once a cheat always a cheat, then does that mean that you haven't learned from what you did and will cheat on the next person you're with?  Not everyone who cheats once will do it again.  Especially when they can see the damage it causes.  Unless of course you are a serial cheater.  People can change if they want to.  

[RainLover71]

Your comment makes alot of sense,I never cheated again after the first time but that was enough to ruin my life and hers.My hearts broken because she was everything to me and a ruined everything in just one day for absolutely nothing.

[Londres70]

I do think the statement...."Once a cheat always a cheat" does apply to someone who cheats and NEVER tries to figure out WHY he/she cheats.  It's important to investigate WHY a person is doing the behavior in order to change it and NOT repeat this behavioral pattern.  Even if it was done one time the person should try to pinpoint why he/she was doing something so despicable to his/her partner that he/she claims he/she loves or cares about.  Being remorseful is ONLY a part of the resolution.  

This should be done with the HELP of a professional and the reality is that alot of people don't go and get professional intervention with these situations and before you know it it's happening AGAIN.  

Just taking away the availability of the cheater to his/her lover and the cheater saying "I'm sorry" doesn't cut it in my opinion.  The problem is the cheater, not the other man or the other woman willing to cheat with the cheater or the other man or the other woman trying to seduce the cheater.  

[trustless]

My husband cheated on me after 25 years of marriage.  I read your story Fool2011 and I feel as if I was the person writing it - I felt everything you felt - and even now, a year later, the pain and hurt is still there.  He works abroad and decided to have an affair with a local woman.  He is a christian or claims to be and for 5 months while he was with this woman, he was partying at nightclubs, socialising with her friends - all his work colleagues knew about it - I seemed to have been the last person to know.  He would ring me 2-3 times a day to tell me how much he loved me and then hang up the phone and go out with his woman.  He confessed after 5 months but for the 3 months that followed, he kept going back to her (not to sleep with her or so he says) but he kept going back telling her he was divorcing me and wanted to know if she is still available.  The whole thing made be sick and I lost a lot of weight.  He eventually packed the job in and came home. We had counselling for a while. The problem we have now is trust - I cannot trust a word he says - he has told so many lies - it is difficult to believe any thing that comes from his mouth - he never seems to say what he is thinking but more what he thinkings I want to hear or what he thinks will cause the least amount of aggravation for him.  Divorce comes up almost every week - how do we get pass this?

RainLover71 - why did you cheat?  If you loved your woman so much, why did you hurt her like this?

My husband tells me he never planned to hurt me - he planned to cheat and hide it from me and he can't understand that even if he hadn't confessed he would still be hurting me.  I don't understand how you can love someone and still cheat on them

[Fool2011]

I have no idea what to say.  It seems we all have the same feelings and the same confusion.  It *****.  My husband and I have good days and bad days.  When a bad one comes around he feels it's the end of the relationship.  So I don't really see how we're going to get to a better place when he can't take the good with the bad.  He recently told me he regrets everything he did with his girlfriend.  She apparently was "high drama", but he won't explain what that means.  So I guess for now I'm the better choice until something better comes along.  I know I shouldn't view it that way, but that's how I feel.  
I feel I've lost a few friends because of this.  I don't think they know how to handle it or feel it's "catching" so they avoid us.  It's sad because I could really use my friends right now.  I recently made a new friend who went through the same situation, but it got weird and now I lost that friend.  I'm starting to think it's me.
I found a quote online that I have on my fridge, on my computer and my Ipad.  It says: Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain.  I like it, but I am having trouble figuring out how to do the second half.  I look at it every day trying to make myself do it, but it's not easy.  I'm hoping one day it'll click.
I unfortunately have heard from stories online and from a few people who have gone through this that it took about 10 years to forgive.  No trust has been given back, but they love their spouse still and things are now good.  I can't help but think....do I really want to wait another 10 years before I feel better?
I hope things get better for you.  Life is full of a**holes and we just have to learn how to deal with them.  I sometimes feel if I just act like them I'll be happier, but we all know that's not true.  Someone has to be reasonable.

[trustless]

I think you are right - we do have the same feelings about the situation we are in. My husband was always very attentive - the portrayal of a family man but recently I feel it is more the idea of being a family man that actually being a family man that attracts him.  For the first 3 months after the affair he was resentful that I asked questions - but our counsellor advised that he must answer and try to be truthful.  He is famous for omissions in his account of the affair so although he will discuss things, he omits a lot of details and includes a couple of lies so in the end the story is weird and untrue and makes no sense.  He too tells me he regrets the affair and for ever getting himself in this situation.  The more  I think about it the more I feel that he was planning to leave and this was his way out.  The only problem is that he chose a woman who he had nothing in common with - I believe her English was limited so conversation was a chore.  He came back home but is very distant, stay to himself and late last year I found an email where it seems as if he had wanted to stay with her but she wanted him to sort things out with me first (divorce I presume) before committing herself fully to a permanent relationship with him.  He denies this was the case - but it is difficult to argue with black and white ink especially when it is something that he wrote.  I too feel he is just with me until something better comes along - he denies this as well.  I wonder everyday why he came back - because he loved being with this other woman, going out with her, spending his money on her, sleeping with her - he loved it all. His kids and I never really featured in this new life he was creating for himself.  He told his woman, if my wife knew I was having an affair with you, she would leave me ... and then he continue with his affair for another 2 months after that statement.  They say it will get easier and I am still waiting to see this.  I have bad days and I can't talk to anyone about it - when I driving in my car, lots of thoughts cross my mind - doubt, mistrust, hurt, pain, anger. I've thought about revenge affair - do unto him what he has done to me - but that is not me and I don't want to degrade myself to his level.  I am not sure when I will feel better - it is like a burden on my shoulder constantly there in my head.  I tell myself I don't care but I am only fooling myself. It makes me sad that I've let what he has done get to me so much.  He seems to have shrugged it off as one of life's experiences and seem to be getting on with his life. The other night he was angry that I refused to forgive him - as if saying sorry would wipe out an 8 month affair and that is it. I read comments here and  I live in hope and faith that there are women who have been through this and seen the light at the end of the tunnel.  I hope one day I will be that woman ... that we will both find peace.  

[trustless]

I've just been reading another thread on male mid life crisis and something has just occurred to me - does your husband take special pride in his appearance?  Ever since his affair, my husband has been dieting, exercising vigorous every night and the other day I found a consultation appointment where he had been to see a cosmetic surgeon regarding liposuction.  He is scared of getting old and is desperate to lose the fat on his tummy although there is very little fat on his body.  Could it be a mid life crisis?  The other woman was 16 years his junior.  Anyway, I still don't accept this as justification for ruining my marriage.  After all, I will be going through the menopause in 4-5 years time and I am not planning to have an affair when my change time comes - my female mid life crisis.

Just wondered if your situation was similar

[RainLover71]

Why did I cheat if I loved my woman so much?Well I will tell you that flirting with another woman can very quickly turn into a moment of passion where you don't think about how it could ruin your life at the time and it does on so many levels.Oh if we could only turn back time but we can't and I ruined everything for nothing and I will go to the grave with a broken heart and a feeling of never ending emotional pain.An hour of passion destroyed a life time of happiness.It's the guilt that eats away at you and no matter what you do or say it's never the same relationship ever again.I feel sick just talking about it.

[Hobby10]

If he cuts ties with the other woman and recommits himself to you my advice would b to stay if u love him.  And take the time to really hear his truth.  Whether passion faded or whatever it is.  Try to forgive if possible and have him help u heal.  There must b a reason why you were together for so many years.  Don't let this bad destroy u if u want it to work.  You can't summarize a lifetime in one bad decision to hav an affair.  Don't let it define you or your relationship.  
This is just advice.  I believe u care about him.  You may need spiritual help or therapy but don't giv up if u don't want it to b over.  
All the best whatever u decide.  Hobby19

[Hobby10]

Quit giving another person,  another woman so much of your personal power!!! If she couldn't forgive u then maybe she didn't love u enough.  I bet she wasn't perfect either.  Nobody is.  Forgive yourself rain.  You would b a much happier man in my opinion if u could forgive yourself and love yourself anyways.  I care and always will.  U need to care about u!!!!!!!!

[Hobby10]

Hobby10 not 19.  Typo

[RainLover71]

Thanks,I am trying to move on,I really am.

[nursegirl6572]

I agree in this kind of situation that the healthy thing to do is move on...but a certain amount of guilt and regret helps a person LEARN from their mistakes.  The famous Winston Chruchill quote applies....

"Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it”

That doesn't mean a person should beat themselves up forever.  Certainly not.  But reflection, guilt, regret are important emotions to go through, IMO.


"If she couldn't forgive u then maybe she didn't love u enough."

I couldn't disagree with that statement more.  The capacity to forgive is NOT a reflection of how much someone does or doesn't love the other person.  

Maybe if RL loved her enough, he wouldn't have cheated on her, putting her in a position where she HAD to forgive him.

Just my two cents.

[shortz]

Like many others here I have been cheated on... we are currently @ 14 months from what i call D day.. the day i found out, cause honestly that's what it felt like.. everything i have known, loved, worked for was gone, hit me like a freight train. My heart still weigh's heavily, My husband was with a woman he worked with as well and had to stay late for...insert excuse here...I had been going back to school working a full time job and taking care of our two kids but i have always felt like he was my third child because he didn't understand the checking account, or what bill needs to be paid when,,i did everything, i still do, and before everyone gets on me.. i know i am enabling him still.in those things.
well this week was the blow up of all blow ups. I told him i am tired of the broken promises of him changing, i am tired of feeling alone, tired of fighting the battle. I asked him if he thought of the future, our future, because here is the problem our "therapist" told us work on one day at a time" yah that's great and yes we have good days and bad days but REALLY?? i want to move on. I have yet to tell him i forgive him, i don't know if i do yet, but a question for all of us who have been through this, why do i still feel so alone, so unloved?  Its not like my husband hasn't checked in with his whereabouts, showed love affection etc he has, he still has his flaws but i feel like i am with you Fool 2011, i have done the stalking of the home wrecker and she has moved on. and hubby has also moved on but with the trust gone who knows. I have told no one in my family of what has happened, the few friends who i told have made themselves VERY distant, so the only person i have to talk to is my husband and he is the reason for my feelings so i know my talking to him makes him feel more guilty but he made his bed and now he has to help me and himself get through this. but where is the feeling of love.. will it ever come back? or does it stay an empty hole?

[lagaticalinda]

i just found out my husband had an affair  8 month ago we were having some problems lost of fight because he stared hiding his cellphone and just acting diffident with me one night he got an email from the **** negine elmi  i will never forget that name :(  she dais she loved him and some other things i confronted him about it and he said it had to be a mistake that there was nothing there the next morning i guess he told her to send another email saying some one had hacked her phone and send that email well i some what believed him cus he   told me and psss even cry telling me he love me that he would never hurt me like that well still i had suspicions the way we were fighting and the hurt full thing he would say to me things a stared to get better but inside me i know he dad done something bad so i hacked the girls email 4 days ago and found so many messages from him to her and her to him pictures of them and they dates for like 3 months he i think he ended it because she stared to pressure him for what i can see in some of the messages to leave me :(( the pain i feel its so much no words can describe  it i cant stop crying im ok one minute then i just break down the next we have 3 kids and been married for 6 years i know he is the love of my life and he tells me how sorry he is that he knows he made a mistake thats why he stopped it and that he will never hurt me like that again but i would of never found any of this out if it wasn't for me hacking her email i dont know what to do i just fell so horrible i cant eat or sleep just thinking of how could he do that to me after everything i ever done for him and just thinking back to does days when he was treating me so bad just because of what he was doing kills me all the fight that we would not had because  it was all about his phone but know i see why he dint want me to see his phone .. know i just feel like if we ever have any problems again wish to me there weren't any until he stared hiding his cellphone he is just gonna go out again and get a ** friend  he said he never slept with her thats she dint mean anything to him that he just talk to her as a friend and then she stared talking crazy about loving him and stuff but i know its not true cuss in some messages he says to her how he loves her for been who she is and understanding him .. i dont know how some woman can go on with a man that is married  with kids waooo imm so angry at the fact that she was a **** cuz she he was married but i know this was just all his fult cuz he had a choice omg it just hurts so much i want this pain to go away i dont know how  

[lagaticalinda]

i see this happened  a wile back how did u move on cuz i fell im stuck in this pain

[njsueb]

My husband has always worked shift work.  I have always worked days -we did what we needed to do for our 3 children.  Three years ago we moved out of state...I worked now and then and my husband collected unemployment which was fine.  Two years ago my husband told me he had a 5 yr affair back home. I freaked out, threw him out and then he came back.  We immediatley went to counseling and we were back in love and doing well.....until I had a relapse of crying and being ill...I went to a new counselor who told me everything I felt was normal...but knew that we both love each other (34 years).  She told me to get copies of his cell phone bill and that I would know who she was by the calls.......And sure enough, it was a sleazy friend of OURS who he had this affair with.  I confronted him, he told me who it was.  I then gave him 2 pages of questions to answer and I made it very clear that if he lied one of us was gone.  So, we sat and we talked and I cried for 2 days (calling in sick at work)....I told him everything the counselore had told me.digging in has consequences.  I IM'd the "friend" and she denied it and blamed someone else..I called that someone else and she was having an affair with someone else.  The cheater immediately text my husband to find out what's going on....Why would he lie and tellme our friend and him had sex in our new house when I INVITED her to visit,,,,,I am stupid.  It's only been days but I feel better that we talked and we do love each other and we will both go to counseling,  I pray to GOD that this is all behind us and we can live happily...will I every trust him-NO...forgive him-NO...but we have to go on and believe in ourselves..And NO, our children will never know.

[trustless]

A one night stand where drink might be involved - I would understand this better than a blown out affair.  My husband was obsessed with this woman for months - chased her, wined and dined her, bought presents, spent time with her, slept with her over and over again.

He says it was a mistake ... but how can it be if you do this over and over and over again - makes no sense.  Definitely not a mistake in my book.

Trust is very hard to get back once lost.  

I don't think love has anything to do with why she left.  She probably loved  you so much, she just couldn't bear staying with you knowing every time she looked at you, she would remember.

My advice to you is never forget and learn from the past - so when you meet another woman and fall in love again - you will never cheat on  her when you remember what you stand to lose.

Good luck

[snowflake1963]

I agree with you 100 percent!  My husband cheated on me with a former high school classmate who is a waitress at a pizza restauran in our hometown.  It only ended when I caught him cheating through cell phone records.  He was also having emtional affairs with 4 other women at the same time.  I forgave him, and since then he has given me no reason to doubt that he is faithful to me, but still after 2 years and 8 months...  I still check his phone records and have a trust issue deep inside.  We have 2 children and have been married for 24 years.  You are never the same person again.  I still hurt.

[shortz]

thanks snowflake, at least i know that this may  be how it is from now on.. so since i wrote my last post my neighbor came to me to tell me of her husband and his indiscretions also with a woman at work! I feel relieved in one aspect that im not alone  but now i feel like she is looking to me for guidance and i can barely guide myself and our relationship!

[Kfoster168]

I dont even know where to begin. I was a victim of sexual abuse at a young age which lasted into my teen years. I am on my 3rd marriage (last 2 ended due to infedility) and have always had trust issues and horrible insecurities that I have never been able to overcome. I have always felt insecure, ugly, overweight not good enough etc. Within the last 3 months I finally saught out therapy just to find out a week ago that my husband was having an affair with a woman at work. He also admits to looking up porn on the internet. I feel like he has just ripped off the scab to my wounds and poured salt into them. He says that he is sorry and that he promises it is over and will never happen again. Promise? How do I believe he is sorry when that word so freely just flowed from his mouth? I am 38 and a mother to 6 (2 biological 2 adopted and 2 step children) and a grandmother...I feel like I have wasted so much time trying to find happiness,safety and true love and instead just find disappointment and hurt. I have so much resentment towards my abusers and the men in my life who have destroyed my spirit and who I am. I love my husband and want badly to believe that he has stopped seeing her and visiting porn sites, however, this has been a constant in my life. How do I really believe that this time its "for real"? How do I trust and love whole heartly again? I feel like everytime I pick myself up I am forced to the ground again. I am so depressed, I have lost 30 lbs in a month...I cant eat or sleep and my mind never stops wondering. I am on meds for depression, anxiety and PTSD but nothing seems to help these thoughts and this hurt. I often feel like I have nothing to go on for...plenty of days I pray for morning never to come. I realize that my constant nagging about other women and cheating etc...pushed him away, but I feel as though that is no reason to go outside of your marriage. I had been better off had he left me rather than cheat on me. I feel as though it wouldn't have hurt so bad. I know that I have hurt him with my lack of trust and insecurities...but to deserve this? I pray for the answers and strength to get me through each day...because right now I am so physically sick over this. I have no strength, I am dehydrated and I cant eat. I dont remember the last time I ate. I am truly at my lowest of lows and I have no one to turn to. I have no family and I dont have many friends, I have never allowed anyone that close. Someone, PLEASE help me! Thank you and God Bless!

[faithfulmom4]

I am glad to hear it will take time and that it will get easier. I have been married for 17 years and i heard rumors that my husband( a teacher) was seeing a coworker from our students and coworkers. I confronted my husband and of course he siad we are just friends and nothing else. I believed him because I didnt have any warning. No money spent on her, no time taken from our family, no phone calls, etc. What they were doing was having sex in the classroom during lunch or prep times. I hate the feeling of betrayal and trust issues. It went on for 6 to 7 years, to make matters worse my mother in law new about it for 2 years and was a "messenger"!!! I am so hurt and NOW after 2 1/2 months of discovery he slips into a deep depression. We can not seem to talk about it due to his mental state. Seems like he just wants to sweep it under a rug. I am so mad, hurt, and feel so rejected. I am going to counseling. Hoping my God continues to strenghten me because his love is what has gotten me past few months

[RainLover71]

There is no excuse for cheating because you lose everything and gain nothing.All it becomes is a disaster that you can never change.It's like a dark cloud over you forever.

[Beautyforashes21]

Ya- I totally kno EXACTLY how u feel- hubby cheated 4x once while preggers- we hav 2 girls- I found out- took a week to finally confess the truth even tho I had recorded proof. I'm still hurting & debating divorce. Don't think the pain ever leaves. But I think we choose to be happy. If u can talk to the woman it hurts but helps. I talked to one girl (most recent) and said woman to woman- spill the guts. She did- but she had no clue he was married. I confirmed everything he said was tru- btw- I told Jim of he didn't tell me every detail & answer every question- its over. He did- to my knowledge. But my fear is, down the road will he do it again. Not sure it's worth it. He's a great father & provider. But he's verbally abusive and angry- and he is hard to please- I think he might hav a sex addiction to a mild extent. I please him daily. Idk- sometimes its just not you- it's him- some ppl have a hole so big you can't fill. And that's not your fault. Only God can fill that hole. Maybe from something that screwed them up as a kid- they repeat what they see. Or just plain boredom- again not your fault cuz like me here- I gave him whatever he wanted. He still cheated. I have hope that it was an eye opener for him. But ppl can forget when they get comfy. Not sure I'm willing to risk the rest of my life for something I'm unsure of. Maybe a temporary split will help. If it doesn't effect him & he isn't crying on his knees then he doesn't deserve you. Forget it. Life is too short to spend it catering to a man who has no respect or love for you. Starting over is hard- but I feel it might also be relieving. Xo God bless

[lewfortwo]

I am a male, 56 years old, married 26 years, with two grown kids and just found out that my wife was in already in a one year affair with her married coworker or business partner , who has three younger children.  I have always been trustful, so i never had any issues with 2 people of opposite sexes having what i hoped was either a platonic or business relationship.  Boy was I wrong.

So, now its been one week and my world has been turned upside down.  The pain and hurt is unbelievable - I lost 10 pounds and I'm thin to begin with. I feel like I've been played for a complete fool.

I commute to work and also some nights I am a college professor, which keeps me away from the house most days.  So this was clearly going on when I was at work and often at night.  Although I uncovered 100's of pieces of information, in what seems to be a torrid love affair and even to the point of an intoxication or addiction, I think my wife feels bad about hurting me but equally bad that her affair is now over (but who knows - she swears, but who can stop an addiction).

We are starting counseling immediately and who knows what the road ahead will bring. I'm not sure I want to stay.

The person's wife does not know about this and I hold all the cards right now.  Should I tell her? - I know her fairly well since all 4 of us have socialized together.  I go back and forth on this but here are three reasons I think I am completely entitled to...#1 if the wife found out about the affair, I'd be upset not to know... #2 I've emailed the husband already and told him never to go near my wife again or your wife will know, but I feel the only way to guarantee this is to tell the wife and #3. now if everyone knows the chips will fall where they may - this will determine who is leaving who and who is staying.  

Any advice would be appreciated.

[nursegirl6572]

My honest opinion is to NOT insert yourself in other people's business.  There is not ONE good reason you could present, IMO for telling this man's wife.  

In MOST situations like this, the urge to "tell" is based solely on feeling angry and betrayed, and wanting some kind of revenge.  Your business is with you and your wife, their business is theirs.  It's up to HIM to tell him wife.  NOTHING good can come of you putting yourself into their marriage.

[jmkkay]

I feel you,it not easy to deal with such heartbreak.I myself I am dealin with such situation rightnowit devastating.

[tamara809]

wow this is devastating, i feel your pain. well it is even worse for me , my husband is a waiter , at some restaurant we have a toddler , been married since 2010 but i have been suspicious of his behavior and his relationship with female friends especially one i particular, well he claimed they were friends an so did she. this year she calls me up to tell me she has been having a relationship with m hubby and is 7months pregnant . that was so painful ,even i do not know how to deal, my heart tells me i have to let him go, and as difficult as it may be its the right thing for me, he flirts with women says he enjoys womens company and maybe this was the reason for this. its painful i pray i can get through this, i am still with him but i sure see the future without him, i can never trust him again...

[tamara809]

wow this is devastating, i feel your pain. well it is even worse for me , my husband is a waiter , at some restaurant we have a toddler , been married since 2010 but i have been suspicious of his behavior and his relationship with female friends especially one i particular, well he claimed they were friends an so did she. this year she calls me up to tell me she has been having a relationship with m hubby and is 7months pregnant . that was so painful ,even i do not know how to deal, my heart tells me i have to let him go, and as difficult as it may be its the right thing for me, he flirts with women says he enjoys womens company and maybe this was the reason for this. its painful i pray i can get through this, i am still with him but i sure see the future without him, i can never trust him again...

[JadeVictoriaJohnson]

Never let your cheating husband blame you for his behavior.  He was married, he knew he was married when he slept with another woman.  If he had a problem with you, he should've talked to you about it.  If you couldn't work it out he should've walked away from the marriage, not cheated.  Never let him tell you his choices were your fault.  You already have enough to deal with.  I think this is the most evil thing a cheater can do.

[Estelle1971]

That was extremely well said;-) I have been with two men whom I married and they both had affairs, it's all what you said, you explained it so well.  I left my first husband, lost my home and a family I loved dearly. He stayed with his lover and now they are also having their own issues. I decided to stay with my second and even a year on I am struggling, maybe not as much but it's still very hard. I feel lost, don't know who I am any more, lost my identity. I have put weight on due to comfort eating, this women was younger too and only a size 10. Lost confidence in myself, I even feel lonely when I'm around people like my life is false. I love him so much, yet I also hate him for the pain that he has coursed not just to me but my family. He also regrets totally for his affair and said he got lost in a wave. He made me out to be paranoid, saying if I didn't shut up going on about if he was having an affair he was going to leave me, yet I felt so strong that something was going on specially because I have had this happen to me once before. I had to find things out my self, I was a women on a mission and there was no stopping me, I was like a private detective, found out where she lived through facebook and it took me straight to her address. I don't know whats going to happen, I know he loves me, I see the pain in his eyes, but it's not about him any more, it's about me. I need to find me again, build on my confidence, feel good about myself and use this to get stronger, it's just taking a long time. Good luck, I would never wish this pain on any one, but there's always a way of turning a negative into a positive and sometimes It can make you stronger xx

[deb165]

Hello, it's been a while since you posted this so I hope you will see this.  My advice is yes, absolutely tell the wife what is going on.  Why?  Because this is the only means you have to make sure the affair stops.  I have been in a similar situation.  I knew no matter what I said to my husband and no matter how remorseful he apparently felt, after a while, he would likely go back to talking to her.  I told her husband, and after that she was completely out of my husband's life.  It's been 6 years, and they have had no contact since then, and I know it's because I had the guts to tell her husband.  I was shaking when I did it, it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but to this day I'm so grateful and amazed I found it within myself to tell her husband.  I also know of another couple, in which the husband was told of his wife's affair and as a result there was no more contact between the cheating wife and cheating husband.  You have to do what you need to do to ensure the survival of your marriage.  And believe me, in both situations, the husband was grateful to know.  

[Jenna97]

My husband of 10 years told me he was leavin(2 yrs ago) and straight up left me for another girl.  I had to clean his pubes out of the bath tub that he left lying on the way to her house.  I tracked his cell and found out she worked at the gas station near our home.  I had been in there with my daughter that very morning while this girl was working.  I confronted the girl who then informed me that my husband told her that my kids and I didn't even live with him anymore..all lies!  He felt remorseful and came home and we worked things out.  He is an excellent father and we bothy really want a good life for our kids.  Things went pretty smooth until several months ago when I found out that he was not working ( he works night shift) when he said he was.  He laid out one full night and came in at 2am another night.  He even went as far as to rub coal dirt on himself to make me think he was at work.  He says he was smoking synthetic marijuana and got hooked on it and that he was by himself..no girls.  I want to believe him, but after what he did the first time it is so hard.  I have had it wirh his lies

[rohu413]

can i contact to the parents of the girl friend.

[LChaim18]

Thank you for this.  A few weeks ago I found out my husband was having an affair with a woman he'd dated before we got together.  

My husband and I have been together for 26 years, married for 20 of those years.  A woman he dated before we got together and he have been having an affair for the past two years.  I'm devastated!  He says there was no sex involved and that they "just" talked on the phone. He drove three hours to see her three times over the length of the affair and says they just talked, watched movies and held hands.  In some ways I believe this but it seems so far fetched that someone would risk their marriage to someone they claim to love so dearly and NOT have sex!  

My emotions are all over the place and I go from being so angry I can't see straight to, pain beyond anything I could ever imagine, to just feeling like a pathetic unlovable loser.  I don't know what to do.  I know I don't want a divorce but that doesn't mean I want to stay married.  I don't want my kids to go through a divorce.  I don't want to hurt any more, and I do hurt.  

I am glad you shared your story because so many people are telling me to "throw the bum out" which seems to be the easiest root to take.  Not that I'm looking for the most difficult path but I'm not sure I want to throw away 26 years of a relationship over this.  I don't want to allow this to destroy my family, even though my kids are grown.  But, how do I get past this?  How do I allow my heart to trust this man again?  How do I know it's over?  

Your story tells me that it is possible to get past it and rebuild our relationship.  When I think about it the reason I'm hesitant to say that I want my marriage to work is because there is so much doubt about him and his relationship to her.  I'm afraid to want something that he won't really commit to making work.  I'm so very afraid.

[LaurenMallard]

I am thankful to have found this forum.  It is amazing the amount of women, and some men, that have been cheated on.  I had been married for 11 years, and did not even realize how deeply my husband was into the internet porn and the SexSearch sites.  He met his "true love" there from London, and promptly flew her over to CT and to CA so they could meet there and have a few lovely weeks together- said that he just needed some "time" to think.. Hmm..  I asked him to move out after he returned from the first trip, and he did.  We reconciled after 4 months, but low and behold, 5 months after we got back together they were back together again, but now she has moved to Ohio to be closer to him.  Just peachy.  They broke up last November thanks to a wonderful person in my community to found my husband "M" on the SexSearch site and recognized him, luckily this person called me and emailed me his profile (actually quite comical because he posed as a woman and got "M" all hot and bothered to see how he actually came onto women and how he portrayed me to lure them in).  The sad part is that I have wanted to leave for ages and I am still here..  He says he will kill himself if I leave and the last time I tried to leave he hit me so hard he gave me a concussion for 4 days.  The cops can't really help, he would find me anywhere and I am not willing to change my whole identity anyways- so, in the long run, I guess I would have been better off had he just stayed with his SexSearch honey.  :(

I don't believe that people can be faithful, it just isn't in them.

[LaurenMallard]

After reading that post, it sounds awful and whiny.  Sorry.  Also, no "abuse" help please- if I wanted help, I would have reported him to the authorities, it is not ruining my family and life over.   Ug..  Wish I wouldn't have ever posted...  

[annonymous3]

she is right.  i have been where you are as well and i have been trying to make it work for over 2 years and although the initial pain is gone and i actually trust him it still doesnt feel the same and i know in my heart i am not as happy as i could be with someone else.  but we have a 4 yr and 3 yr old who think the world of him and i know they would be heartbroken if he didnt live with us anymore.  so i dont know what i will do either.

[annonymous3]

you have to say something.  Put yourself in her shoes.  If you knew someone knew wouldnt you want them to tell you?  I had someone annonymously tell me my husband was cheating and I believe they are my angel.  I was glad they told me and If i ever knew of something like this i would tell the other person if i could immediately.

[texasgirl2424]

I so feel your pain, cmommyof5.  I feel if he has cried in your arms for hours and you are praying together, then you should forgive him.  He obviously is remorseful and is really trying.

My life turned upside down just 4 days ago.  I have been married for 24 years and we've been together for 26 years.  We have 5 children ages 15 to 21.  My husband is a VERY quiet man.  He always has been.  Off and on throughout our marriage, I have cried not knowing what is wrong.  Why he ignores me as if I'm not even there for days sometimes weeks.  About 5 years ago, things were getting really awful again.  I couldn't handle how lonely I felt.  I started dreaming (literally) about asking for a divorce.  One night I talked in my sleep and told him I wanted a divorce.  It woke him up and to make a long story short...he agreed to start being more loving towards me, etc.  Things started to get much better between us.  We started to have date nights and they really helped.  I thought things were much better and I truly loved him more then when we were married.  (Although he is still extremely quiet, cold, and insensitive man...I've just have had to learn to deal with it.)  Then 4 years after that happened, March 19 of this year, something just hadn't been right for about 4 months with him.  He was spending a LOT of time texting and "helping" our mutual friend (my ex-best friend).  She is a single mom and about 5 years younger than me.  I confronted him about it and he just shrugged it off.  Finally one day he said he was going for a ride and took off.  It was almost dark out so I figured he would be back shortly (he doesn't like to ride at night), but after a few hours I knew in my gut where he was.  I drove to my ex-friends home (her kids were at there dads that weekend) and saw his motorcycle in her driveway with all the lights off in the house except her bedroom.  I felt sick to my stomach.  I knocked on the door and could see thru the glass front door him leaving her bedroom and pacing back and forth.  Then a few minutes later saw her walk out of her room adjusting her shirt.  They finally answered the door and proceeded to tell me that he was "fixing her bedpost" and showed me a set of tools!  I kept my cool and told him it was time to leave.  When we got home I saw something all over his arm and figured out it was massage oil.  So I confronted him if he was giving her a massage and he finally admitted he was.  I told him to never talk to her again and he promised.  I felt in my heart I stopped it before it got any further.  Since then, this has been a very tough year.  He was becoming more and more distant.  Then this last Sunday Dec 9, I opened our cell phone bill and glanced over it.  Something caught my eye, he had over 6,600 texts!  I couldn't believe it.  Who texts that much?!  So even though I have never believed in snooping, I got online and looked up our phone records.  I found out what I didn't want to.  He had been texting my ex-friend non stop.  Since the beginning of this year he had texted her over 15000 times!  But to make it worse...he had started to text an "old" friend of his he had met through work years ago.  In just the last 3 months he has texted her over 15,500 times!  I felt sick but I knew I had to confront him about this.  So on Tuesday, I sat down with him and asked him.  He finally confessed to having an Emotional Affair with both women.  He then proceeded to tell me it was my fault because I am now (after 26 yrs together) fat, ugly and he's embarrassed to walk next to me!  I couldn't believe it.  I have struggled with my weight all my life but I have never felt I was ugly.  I work really hard to always look and dress nice and I do work out.  I am a size 10 now, although when we were married i was a size 3.  I know I need to lose some weight...but UGLY?!  I couldn't believe he blamed his indiscretion on me!  He then told me for the sake of the kids he will "try to make it work".  NO remorse what so ever!  He promised to break it off with both the women which i know he did.  But he is as cold as ever to me.  I know it has only been 3 days, but I'm so hurt.  I can't sleep, eat or stop uncontrollably crying.  He is a wonderful father, wonderful provider and together we have built a very comfortable life together..  I work as well and make good money, but only about 1/2 of what he makes.  I told him last night that I didn't just want him to stay for the kids, but because he wanted to make "us" work.  I wanted a man that would be happy to see me when I walked in thru the door and wanted to hold my hand and truly loved me.  I told him I deserved that!  He did say he still loves me and he will try harder...but that really doesn't help make me feel any better.  I don't believe in divorce and have tried everything I can to make it work.  I just don't feel like I can try anymore.  It's up to him now.  I know I have been rambling on here, but this is the first time that I have said any of this to anyone.  I've been dealing with this by myself.  I don't want the family to know and my best friend was one of them that betrayed me.  I'm just so confused.  I don't know what to do.  Will this pain and hurt ever stop?  Will it ever get any better?  I've been married to this man for 1/2 of my life.  Is it worth saving?  We still have 2 girls in High School and 3 sons in college.  I just wouldn't know where to begin.  Please help... devastated, lonely and hurt

[texasgirl2424]

I so feel your pain, cmommyof5.  I feel if he has cried in your arms for hours and you are praying together, then you should forgive him.  He obviously is remorseful and is really trying.

My life turned upside down just 4 days ago.  I have been married for 24 years and we've been together for 26 years.  We have 5 children ages 15 to 21.  My husband is a VERY quiet man.  He always has been.  Off and on throughout our marriage, I have cried not knowing what is wrong.  Why he ignores me as if I'm not even there for days sometimes weeks.  About 5 years ago, things were getting really awful again.  I couldn't handle how lonely I felt.  I started dreaming (literally) about asking for a divorce.  One night I talked in my sleep and told him I wanted a divorce.  It woke him up and to make a long story short...he agreed to start being more loving towards me, etc.  Things started to get much better between us.  We started to have date nights and they really helped.  I thought things were much better and I truly loved him more then when we were married.  (Although he is still extremely quiet, cold, and insensitive man...I've just have had to learn to deal with it.)  Then 4 years after that happened, March 19 of this year, something just hadn't been right for about 4 months with him.  He was spending a LOT of time texting and "helping" our mutual friend (my ex-best friend).  She is a single mom and about 5 years younger than me.  I confronted him about it and he just shrugged it off.  Finally one day he said he was going for a ride and took off.  It was almost dark out so I figured he would be back shortly (he doesn't like to ride at night), but after a few hours I knew in my gut where he was.  I drove to my ex-friends home (her kids were at there dads that weekend) and saw his motorcycle in her driveway with all the lights off in the house except her bedroom.  I felt sick to my stomach.  I knocked on the door and could see thru the glass front door him leaving her bedroom and pacing back and forth.  Then a few minutes later saw her walk out of her room adjusting her shirt.  They finally answered the door and proceeded to tell me that he was "fixing her bedpost" and showed me a set of tools!  I kept my cool and told him it was time to leave.  When we got home I saw something all over his arm and figured out it was massage oil.  So I confronted him if he was giving her a massage and he finally admitted he was.  I told him to never talk to her again and he promised.  I felt in my heart I stopped it before it got any further.  Since then, this has been a very tough year.  He was becoming more and more distant.  Then this last Sunday Dec 9, I opened our cell phone bill and glanced over it.  Something caught my eye, he had over 6,600 texts!  I couldn't believe it.  Who texts that much?!  So even though I have never believed in snooping, I got online and looked up our phone records.  I found out what I didn't want to.  He had been texting my ex-friend non stop.  Since the beginning of this year he had texted her over 15000 times!  But to make it worse...he had started to text an "old" friend of his he had met through work years ago.  In just the last 3 months he has texted her over 15,500 times!  I felt sick but I knew I had to confront him about this.  So on Tuesday, I sat down with him and asked him.  He finally confessed to having an Emotional Affair with both women.  He then proceeded to tell me it was my fault because I am now (after 26 yrs together) fat, ugly and he's embarrassed to walk next to me!  I couldn't believe it.  I have struggled with my weight all my life but I have never felt I was ugly.  I work really hard to always look and dress nice and I do work out.  I am a size 10 now, although when we were married i was a size 3.  I know I need to lose some weight...but UGLY?!  I couldn't believe he blamed his indiscretion on me!  He then told me for the sake of the kids he will "try to make it work".  NO remorse what so ever!  He promised to break it off with both the women which i know he did.  But he is as cold as ever to me.  I know it has only been 3 days, but I'm so hurt.  I can't sleep, eat or stop uncontrollably crying.  He is a wonderful father, wonderful provider and together we have built a very comfortable life together..  I work as well and make good money, but only about 1/2 of what he makes.  I told him last night that I didn't just want him to stay for the kids, but because he wanted to make "us" work.  I wanted a man that would be happy to see me when I walked in thru the door and wanted to hold my hand and truly loved me.  I told him I deserved that!  He did say he still loves me and he will try harder...but that really doesn't help make me feel any better.  I don't believe in divorce and have tried everything I can to make it work.  I just don't feel like I can try anymore.  It's up to him now.  I know I have been rambling on here, but this is the first time that I have said any of this to anyone.  I've been dealing with this by myself.  I don't want the family to know and my best friend was one of them that betrayed me.  I'm just so confused.  I don't know what to do.  Will this pain and hurt ever stop?  Will it ever get any better?  I've been married to this man for 1/2 of my life.  Is it worth saving?  We still have 2 girls in High School and 3 sons in college.  I just wouldn't know where to begin.  Please help... devastated, lonely and hurt

[Jojo2627]

I see it has been a while since you were in this chat and hopefully you read this because I just want to say Thank you for everything you wrote. I found out in July of this year that my husband of 14 years had been having an affair for 7 months with a someone I knew, basically her fiance found out and gave my husband the ultimatum to tell me or he was going to. My husband took me for a walk while our children stayed at home, he told me he had cheated on me, when I asked him with who, he said her name, I was soo stunned cause he use to cut her up and say how stupid she was (obviously it was me who was stupid for not catching on). then i slapped him in the face, when I asked when, how long? he said 6 months, when half way thru my rage, I realized that they (her and her fiance and there kids) stopped in on our family vacay, I asked him if they "did it" then too? he said yes, I totally lost it and punched him in the face (felt great) he was crying the whole time telling me this but I didn't care. I told him to pack his **** and get out, he did, but because we have kids I had to figure out what to do, meanwhile the fiance of the "capital W" contacted me to ask to talk to make sure my husband told me the whole story because apparently she came clean about everything. I found out things from him that my husband conviently left out. Long story short, after a week I told my husband he could come home and work on things only if he told me the truth and was honest with me and went to counselling. He agreed to all of it, and he changed his cell number to prove to me he wanted things to work. We went to counselling and took some time for us ( which is hard when you have 3 kids but is TOTALLY necessary) things have been pretty good but lately I have been struggling really bad, I think because this is the time last year when it all started. I feel soo stupid for not knowing this was going on. I question everything he does now, and where he is, I check his phone all the time. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about it and vision them together, I freaking hate it! People tell me I've only had 6 months to deall with it and it will get easier,,, man I hope so cause the thoughts, feelings suck. I really like your idea about writing it in a journal for my own piece of mind. We live in a small town and I still dread the day I come face to face with her,,, she had sex with my husband in my house when my kids were outside, and on my family vacay while I was 150 feet away. Thats the one thing that bothers me the most, I was right there, he chose her over me, I was right there and he had sex with her then came and sat with me after?? I love my husband and know he is trying to make up for what he did but how do you not question when he is late getting home from work or goes out with the guys?

[MissDM08]

I read many of your stories and my late husband cheated on me several times I continued in the marriage. I was young and believed God would intervene. It was a long hard road and the ending of my husbands life was horrific. I will advise anyone that is breaking a marriage covenant to beware it may seem as if nothing is happening while you are in the relationship but eventually it does end in pain.

I know only when people do not have faith in God or respect for God they will break the vows which is not worth the pain anyone will have to endure. My prayers to everyone that has pain I pray God heals you all in Jesus Name.

[cmommyof5]

This has been the hardest journey of my life and I never want to go through something like this again. My husband and I have been through hell and back. We are in a much better place our love is strong the days are still hard some times but they are mostly good. This time last year he was in a relationship with her and it has been very hard for me to erase the visions of them together for some reason the visions are hard to deal with these days. I know he loves me and I know I love him I also know I want to be with only him I just have to learn to leave the pain in the past. God has been by out side through all of this and I know he will continue to do so.

[Nikita2]

Here is the best example for how it feels to stay with a cheating husband.

You spend eight years knitting a sweater. In your opinion its magnificent. you put your heart and soul into making this for him.
When one day you give it to him. He tells you its not what wanted, a worthless piece of junk and then throws it in the garbage. Thanks for nothing because its just not good enough.
Its crushing. But wait, a miracle (yeah right.) He realizes how much he's hurt you. Now he says he loves the sweater. He wants to prove to you how much he loves it because he knows how bad he messed up.
So he wears the sweater every day and says he really does love it. But guess what? He didn't appreciate it or love it when it really mattered. So its very hard to believe he'll ever really enjoy wearing it.
The sweater is my love I have had, and the life I've commited to my husband. I'll never understand why he could hurt me.
It's only been a year and 2 months since i found out but I still feel like I'm dying every day. I thought I was his best friend. I've been admitted now three times to psychiatric care facilities and have been arrested once for my mental breakdowns. The arrest was because i broke a wedding picture in the house and woke one of my children and when the police arrived I was naked and histaricle.
I'm affraid it will never get better for me. I'm affraid that it is going to kill me or that I will kill myself. I want to live the worry free life that we had before. But now it's all my fault that it doesn't get better. I've lost my mind and what he doesn't seem to understand is I just need, and desperatly, want to know is that he needs me.
I want him to NEED the sweater. I want to feel like, without it, He would surely freeze to death and that nothing is my comfortable to him than my sweater.
Everyone, Please pray for me.
Desperately
Nikita2

[newtothis13]

Hi! I know I will get a lot of negative comments by posting on here, but I will take it, as I would like to share some insight from The Other Woman side. Please read this. First of all, I am truly sorry for what you are going through, just like I am truly sorry what the wife of my ex (boyfriend?) is going through. They have been married for 7 years, no children. Married at 25 after 3 months of knowing each other. My affair with the guy lasted for 9 months during which I was lead to believe that he is unhappy and lonely in his marriage, is in love with me, going to divorce his wife, asked for a divorce, and finally that he moved out. None of which as I came to find out was true. I broke it off when I figured out he was a con. Called his wife and told her everything. His wife decided to stay with him and go to counseling. She called me several times to tell me about that and to tell me to back off which I already did way before. He called me on several occasions, WHILE THEY WERE IN COUNSELING WORKING ON THEIR MARRIAGE, wanting to tell me how he is still unhappy and loves me. Although, I still love that man, I told him I do not believe his lies anymore and to go back to his wife and leave me alone. My point here is, that some men are UNABLE TO BE HONEST. He lied about the circumstances, length, and emotional substance of our affair to his wife and in counseling. He is not REALLY WORKING ON HIS MARRIAGE but rather making it seem that he does to pacify his wife and regain trust again. But when the dust settles.... I am sure he will go back to his nasty ways. Good luck!

[newtothis13]

Hi! I know I will get a lot of negative comments by posting on here, but I will take it, as I would like to share some insight from The Other Woman side. Please read this. First of all, I am truly sorry for what you are going through, just like I am truly sorry what the wife of my ex (boyfriend?) is going through. They have been married for 7 years, no children. Married at 25 after 3 months of knowing each other. My affair with the guy lasted for 9 months during which I was lead to believe that he is unhappy and lonely in his marriage, is in love with me, going to divorce his wife, asked for a divorce, and finally that he moved out. None of which as I came to find out was true. I broke it off when I figured out he was a con. Called his wife and told her everything. His wife decided to stay with him and go to counseling. She called me several times to tell me about that and to tell me to back off which I already did way before. He called me on several occasions, WHILE THEY WERE IN COUNSELING WORKING ON THEIR MARRIAGE, wanting to tell me how he is still unhappy and loves me. Although, I still love that man, I told him I do not believe his lies anymore and to go back to his wife and leave me alone. My point here is, that some men are UNABLE TO BE HONEST. He lied about the circumstances, length, and emotional substance of our affair to his wife and in counseling. He is not REALLY WORKING ON HIS MARRIAGE but rather making it seem that he does to pacify his wife and regain trust again. But when the dust settles.... I am sure he will go back to his nasty ways. Good luck!

[cmommyof5]

HE is a married man. There should of been no beginning of a relationship. Happy or unhappy he was still married. Do you have any idea how that feels to his wife. No it is not all your fault but out of respect for his wife you should of walked away. I'm sorry but as a wife who is now trying to pick up the pieces after seven months everyday is hard and I am one of the lucky ones (if that is what it is called) my husband and I are putting our lives back together he is sorry and the 24 years we have spent together means more then a 7 month affair with someone who really means nothing. But daily the pain is there. You will never know what the pain unless it happens to you.

[specialmom]

Hi there and welcome.  i want to point out that this is an old post and most who posted here are long gone.  

I'm sorry for your pain and this difficult time and wish you much luck in rebuilding your relationship with your husband.  If you need any support, feel free to contact me or leave a post on the forum.  good luck dear

[crushed2012]

OMG I just don't know what to do right now. Me and my husband have been married for 7 years now and I just found out he was cheating. I haven't told anyone about this other than his brother who I feel is the only person I could talk to at the time. This just happened in December 2012. Looking at his bank statement and phone log it seems as if he has been seeing her since August 2012. I noticed something when I called his phone and he would not pick up. I had just got off the phone with him about 5 minutes previous. And now he all of a sudden was not answering. O lord I didn't want to believe this. So I started digging. And u know what happens when u start digging. I confronted him first before I started digging and so he said he was here and there. So I said ok. O let me just say this. After he would not answer his phone I went on line and added the sprint locator. This gave me an idea where he was but I still wasn't sure. The next day I started searching his closet, clothes, car anything I could think of. In the car he carry a bag for his gym clothes. On the side I say a Walgreens bag in the bag was a receipt. Low and be hold the receipt was for some condoms. This had confirmed my suspicion. He had to come clean. Even then he denied that that receipt was not his so I politely showed him the receipt and took his wallet and showed him the card he used to purchase the condoms. Then he came up with another lie sayin that the condoms was his but when he bought them he thought about what he was doing and just threw the condoms out. He was sad over the last couple of days from seeing me sad so I guess he had to come up with something to make me feel better. First he asked me if I wanted to me her so he can see it was nothing then one day he ended up coming to my job and calling her on the phone putting it on speaker to confirm that they never slept together and that they could not be friends anymore. I told him he could have coached her before he got to my job. Yea he has ask me to forgive him and I told him I could not right now. We have 2 boys ages 5 and 7. Some days I'm good and other days like to day my heart aches. I just want to be alone and cry and I feel that this is affecting me in how I deal with my kids on a day to day basis. I am so confused. I don't know what do do. Please help.

[cmommyof5]

I know how you feel. I am almost 8 months into finding out about my husbands affair. I wish I could tell you it gets better but right now I am in a huge suffering pattern where I cant get her face out of my mind. I look at his hands and think of him touching her kissing her and just being him with her and it is making me crazy. We have been married 21 years and have been together 24. We have five children and have always been in love. The kind of in love where my friends would always say I wish my husband would look at me like that. I know my husband loves me and we have had a very rough year he is the one person I know could always help me heal but going to him now is hard, I also hurt him never cheated but he says I grew away from him and he needed to feel needed and of course there she was. We have been rebuilding it is hard. We are faithful people so Christ has played a big part of our healing. The pain I felt before I knew about her was unbearable he kept telling me he was leaving, but many nights he would hold me in his arms and cry telling me he just wanted peace,then one night he asked me what we were going to do and I said Save us, he said then I have something to tell you...
Listen it is not easy but if you really love each other and make a commitment to making a change for the better and walk this road as one I believe in the end it will be worth it.
If you need to "chat" feel free to message me. I am no expert but maybe I can just listen. Be well and be strong.

[KatieKat96]

Wow.I am so sorry,that's horrible.No one should deserve to go through that kind of pain.I am not going to say what other people will try say,to forgive and forget,go to counseling,things with you two will get better,all that blah blah,no..It seems you have done nothing wrong.And forgive and forget may apply to other mistakes,but in my opinion,cheating is DEFINITELY,not a forgive and forget.People can change from other mistakes,but if they have the guts to cheat once,they can have the guts to do it again.Maybe they won't,but,it's highly likely they could.If he really truly loved you,and cares about you,and your marriage,and only you,he wouldn't have.I am a Pagan,and do not believe in Christianity,but I have morals,I know what is right and wrong.If he wants to sleep with a young,pretty woman,then he really should have thought about commitment and love before ever getting married.Marriage is difficult.There are many rough times,very good times,etc etc.He is supposed to love YOU no matter what,through all of it.Was it over sex?To me,that is ridiculous.Sure,sex is fun in marriages,but,it shouldn't mean everything.Too many people are blinded the past,hmmm.60-70 years?They think it means everything,and that is more important than it really is.Sex is not a bad thing,and like I said,can be a fun activity in relationships,but it shouldn't be the most important,not even close.Too many people these days cheat,divorce,become unhappy,and ruin everything over it.Idk,it just depends on the people.but,the people they supposedly love,they are willing to throw everything they had with that person away,over wanting to be pleasured.How selfish.Love is no place to be selfish.Where are the days when people loved each other and stuck with each other through everything?NO MATTER WHAT?It's obvious those days are gone,and it's sick to see...But hun,you are great for not stooping to his level.Honestly though,it's obvious you are very hurt,and you don't deserve to be feeling like this.If it was a small problem,unlike cheating,then I think it could be resolved of course,but,to me,cheating is something unforgivable,if he loved you and only you,he should have never considered it.Any one can control themselves in that situation,no matter what excuse they use,he just chose not to,and you deserve better than a man who after as long as you have been together,would do something so hurtful like that to you..you could file for divorce,take time to heal,and meet a guy who really respects you,cares about you for you,and would never even imagine doing something like that to you.You just have to be strong enough to do it,I know you can do it(: Plus,I am sure you are gorgeous,and instead of stooping to his level,and remaining the better person,you obviously are a good person and have morals.Even if this girl is young and pretty,she is immediately less attractive because to have a married man cheat on his own wife with her,it's obvious she isn't a very good person,which is quite ugly.Anyways,to wrap things up,I know it hurts very bad,and it will for a long time,but,you can be strong,and go out there and find the man you deserve,not this guy,who threw 21 years together over a young woman.That is ridiculous.You deserve SO much better.I hope you feel a lot better though<33

[KatieKat96]

wow,I agree with this comment so much.I believe she shouldn't forgive him though,since he could have the guts to again,and shouldn't have in the first place,but everything else,very much.Sex and all that is just a small thing truly,and doesn't last forever,loving each other and being like best friends DOES and should last forever,and be the most important always(:

[swungtime]

All of you who stay with your husbands are pathetic....let him go have the ******. I let mine & haven't regretted it a day since. There is life after the cheating *******. There is a career, and a new man waiting for you. Get off your ***, stop making excuses for the sorry SOB and GO GET YOUR LIFE BACK!

[carrie135]

I've been divorced for four years now and not because of cheating, we were married for 17 years, we have three sons, and we felt out of love. We just didn't love each other anymore. I divorced and moved to another state with my two younger boys, my oldest joined the military. One year after my divorced I met a man that I thought was the nicest man in the world, we were together for two years, during these two years he cheated, lied and stole money from me, when I discovered who he really was, I walked away with my heart into a million pieces, but I survived like I had done in the past, I decide to go back and get my Nurse Practitioner, there I met a very nice man who was about to retired from the navy. At this point I really didn't wanted to get involved with anyone, but he keep on insisting to go out with him. He would leave roses in my car, nice notes, email me love letters. I even blocked him, yet he would look for me at University and at the hospital I worked, bring me lunch until all my friends keep telling me to give myself a chance, he told me he was divorced. I gave him a chance and five months into our relationship I found out he is married with three kids. I knew of his kids but he said he was divorced, I cared for him and I left him the minute he told me that his divorced was almost final but that he was still at his family house. I should had suspected because I never went to his house because we were always busy yet I had the address, that he provided to me. he continues to come and says he loves me.With him everything was so nice, he would open the door of the car, always found time text me and talk, lunch or dinner and it wasn't only sex it was companion, friends, and someone you could truly trust, he even ask me to move in with him many times but I wanted to finished my NP first. I'm tell the story of the other woman not the wife, but if I knew he was married, I would had never accepted him, and I never meant to hurt a wife.

[specialmom]

Hi carrie, this is an old post.  Hopefully once you were suspicious that he was still married ---  you chose to see him for what he is (a man of very low character that lies and takes advantage of people).  People like that are not worthy of your time.  

I do know that some women take some time to realize when someone is married if they've been charmed and are lied to by a skilled low character person.  You can't help that.  It's what you do with the information.  Glad to hear you left him!  good luck and hope you find the 'right' relationship at some point!!

[carrie135]

Thank you, for me as right now I  need one more semester to finished my NP and then i plan to relocated to another part of the state I'm in, not looking for anyone, just dedicated to my sons and my career and I'm happy, thank you