Women with low libido - sexless marriage - please help this guy

[kendalmintcake]

Hi,

I've been married for a while with kids.  I'm pretty sure I'm one of the nicest guys around - loving, caring helping guy - take care of the kids, make dinner, do laundry, treat everyone with kindness and regularly express my love for my wife and kids.  However, I'm struggling with the fact that my wife never extends any intimacy.  It has been like this for years and years and I'm coming to my wit's end with it.  I'm getting to the point where I just frankly dislike sex, why?  because it makes me feel like a dog begging for it.  I get shot down 9 out of 10 times.  I try to space it and what ends up happening is it happens maybe 4 times a year.  It is torture.  I think my wife is beautiful beyond belief.  I haven't even seen her naked in months.

Why is she doing this to me.  She knows as I've told her that intimacy is important, but still, manages every night to  be asleep minutes before I'm done tucking in the kids.  If we have a night off, she's sick with one of about 5 rotating ailments.  We'll go for a nice dinner, spend some time walking around hand-in-hand, then as soon as we are alone, she avoids me like the plague.  I feel like a rat.  When I hug her she simply balls up.  She absolutely never hugs me.  I feel like that monkey that scientists deprived of a parent and it latched onto a fury mannequin for comfort.

I can't live like this.  I've read many people with similar issues, six months later they post that they broke up and are happy as can be.  Prior to busting up they expressed they steadfast efforts to get to the bottom of things, with patience, willingness to change, but that seems to evolve into despair and extreme disappointment at the neglect they feel.  Yes, I feel neglected, I'm made to feel like I'm sex obsessed.

Now with that said, if somebody can relate let me know what might be going on here.  It has either got to be hormones (ie, a medical thing) or, she just is grossed by me, I wonder sometimes, is she gay?  I don't know.  All I know is that I'm sad.

Thanks

[AnnieBrooke]

Talk to a therapist yourself if she will not.  You need to be able to talk to her from a blame-free sounding place (even if you don't really feel blame free), so you two can problem-solve together.

You're right that a man will translate a woman not being interested into a "how can she, she knows I'm a man and sex is very important," kind of statement.  But her problem is doubtless more complex, and being indignant is not going to open the doors to conversation about it.

In the end, if she won't talk it over, you should consider whether the marriage is worth it compared to having a satisfactory physical relationship with a woman.  I don't recommend divorce lightly when someone has children.  But if she is not happy (and if it's not physical -- she should DEFINITELY rule out hormone problems) and you are not happy, both of you deserve to try to find a world where there is some happiness.

How old are your kids?  That will play into it also.  And can you afford to support two households if you split up?

[vintagequeen]

Well I do hope things work out in your best interest! Feel free to private message me if you wish to talk or vent or whatever.

~VQ

[kendalmintcake]

Hi Vq, I don't think it is intentional either.  My first post as a spewing out of essentially how it feels.

Um, aren't we all on meds? lol, fyi, I started ssris recently, my libido crashed.  At first I think, oh GREEEAAT, now we'll be on the same level.  That aside from just feeling fantastic after a long bout of not even fully understanding that I was depressed and to what extent.

We've talked about it before, how probably meds are the cause, but then there is always this invasive element of 'you know, it is not that abnormal, its common for women to not want it, why, how about so-and-so, she never wants it from her husband' - that comment feels like she is saying, sorry, pal, that's reality, just deal with it.

What is so very aggrivating is I'm the type of guy who just loves the company of women, not because I'm gay, not because I'm scamming or perving them out, I just have always love the low key machismo-free atmosphere that women create.  It is ammmazing and refreshing and uncompetative and intellectual and rich and fun with emotional content.  So you get how completely frustrating it is that I can't quite figure the right state of mind in confronting my wife about something so important and enriching in an otherwise wonderful relationship.

What I will say is the more disappointed I become the more challenging it is to discuss, so I guess, step one of this who-know-how-many step program is don't discuss anything in a distressed state of mind.  Get it together first...

[vintagequeen]

This all sounds suspicous of a hormonal inbalance. I would suggest she have her hormone levels checked (blood test) I don't think she is intentionally refraining from sex to hurt you as you have stated. Is she on any kind of medication, because this can be a side effect of some meds. I'm sorry you are going through this. It must be very difficult. You sound like a very good man/spouse. I hope you and your wife get to the root of the issue. Intimacy is such an important part of a relationship.

Best of luck
~VQ

[kendalmintcake]

Hi, thanks for the reply.  Two things stick out here.  Your emphasis on helping her get to the bottom of her issue, and your comment about how men tend to think.

As far as helping her get to understand her issue, I've always thought that's the sensible and sensitive thing to do.  It's what I want to do, but the fact that I can't self sacrifice entirely makes doing that (helping her) very delicate business.  My desires, my sexual needs are over-powering - obviously, she can sense it, actually seems to be able to predict it.  It seems the only way that it is possible is to eliminate my sex drive.

Sometimes I wonder if my reaction, that is, my disappointment is her way of validating that I'm still attracted to her.  Right?  If she withholds and I'm upset, "then he must want it - great, I'm still desirable"

So the other comment about mens reaction - makes me wonder if I want to jump to solution and discuss in detail with no solution...that requires some thinking...I just think in reality, I just want a mini leap of faith that will help me help her.

Thanks so much both of you, I just wonder what she wants from me.  I know she doesn't want to function this way.  There are queues, I just need more confidence and I just need to keep trying and demonstrate support in the right way.

[kendalmintcake]

Hi, thanks for your reply.  We are both nearing middle-age - since this has been going on for many years, doubtfully menopausal related.  It's funny, I share your opinion when I read about women being denied sex from their husbands, I just don't understand how they can be so cruel, you hear these poor women going out of their way to change, augment their bodies, dress up only to find him on sex chats and web cams.  Coming from a male perspective, I know when I read these that the man has checked out - he simply either hates her and hates himself for getting locked into one woman who's not a cover model.

Since a male perspective is my point of reference, naturally, I'm prone to conclude that she has checked out and somehow must hate me for locking her up with a someone who is not Mr. Big from Sex and city.

But that is just emotion speaking there.  I'm sure she knows how this hurts me.  I don't think it is intentional cruelty, she is one of the most thoughtful people I've met ever!, in the grand scheme, this is out of character, ie, to punish her best friend (that's me).  Let me re-iterate, we are very close in every other realm, just not from 10pm to 6am...