Why is it so hard?

[arlandonbloom]

I am just looking for some advice, maybe someone has been through what I am currently going through right now. Well, I am 32 weeks pregnant, married and have a very difficult mother. She's the type of person who always has to be in everyone's business, if you don't do things her way she throws a fit about it, when she found out that I was pregnant she called me every name in the book (even though I was married when we got pregnant). It's just so hard to not let her comments and actions get to me. I know she is probably just trying to be the "mom of the year" and protect her baby even though I am grown and have my own family now. But it just really bugs me and my husband how she thinks that she needs to be involved in EVERYTHING. My husband and I went to a 3D Ultrasound yesterday, somehow she found out where we were at and then pretty soon I get a phone call from my sister saying that she came home, found my mom on the floor crying because I didn't invite her to go to the ultrasound. Pretty soon after that I am getting phone calls from some of my friends who's moms are friends with my mom, my aunt and some of my cousins and I am getting chewed out for not inviting my mom when I just wanted my husband to be there for it. My mom thinks that she has to be involved in everything and she doesn't understand that this is MY family and that I am the one to make the decisions and that I didn't want her there for a reason. So now I am in the dilemma where the day I have my son, I just wanted my husband to be in there with me. But now I am probably going to have to have my mom be in there because she will throw a fit about it and I feel that either way, if she is in there or not, that day will not be as special or drama free as I want it to be because my husband and I just want to be the ones to see him first, no other family members. But of course my mom will give me grief if she isn't in there. I don't know how to just let these feelings I am having go and just do what I think is right, and not care what anyone else thinks.

[specialmom]

Okay, me again.  LOL  Sorry for all the posts.  It doesn't look like you live with her.  I'm guessing she helps pay for your college.  Are you IN school or going to online school?  I would try your best to be free of any financial help from your parents.  And I would separate yourself a bit without leaving the situation completely.  That is what I would personally do.  I do think your husband is feeding your feelings about her and would very much like you to have nothing to do with her.  Kind of like he is with his family who hasn't even been to visit you two and act like you aren't having a baby.  That is 'his' normal for family.  It's not yours.  You have to find where you are happy yourself----  with a balance.  You don't want to be not close at all to your mom and family and you want to be close to your husband.  You should be able to do both.  

As an adult, I do keep some people in their place of not being in control of my life but in my life.  I didn't absolutely love my mother in law but made room for her in my life.  Some days I didn't really feel like it but it was important to my husband and when I had kids----  she was grandma.  And that is important to my kids.  When she passed away, I realized the fondness I really had for her deep down and missed her.

Maybe your mom is having trouble separating you from little girl to adult woman.  I would just live your life as an independent adult and the longer you do that, the more she'll accept it.  It will help to not allow her to financially support anything in your life.  Gifts to the baby are wonderful but otherwise, make sure it is you and your husband flipping all the bills.  You very well may do that but just in case, I thought I'd mention it.  

eventually, if you mother is too invasive, you will have to move.  Not far, maybe even in the same town but with a longer drive between the two of you.  But just to somewhere that is more of a place that is just you and your husbands that your mother feels less involved in.  And then down the road, plan on moving to another city.  

Anyway, whew.  I'll stop.  (bet you are glad. :>) )  I wish you the best of luck

[specialmom]

I went back and read your other posts.  You have left out a good deal of information.  The main issue is that your husband doesn't like your family.  You describe them in glowing terms ----  even your mother in other posts (the stroller he didn't thank her for, etc.) and that he is jealous of them or something because his family shows absolutely zero interest.  that you WANTED them to go to the ultrasound and he was mad about it.  

Sweetie, don't make your family out to be villains to appease your husband.  he needs to get over that.  

I'm still trying to find if you live with them or not, so am reading the posts.  Because if you don't live with your mom, you can set boundaries much easier.  

I think you could have explained to her that you have been really struggling with your husband due to what you perceive as his lack of interest in the pregnancy (and we've discussed that here.  I've mentioned that my husband didn't go to doctor's appointments or get all crazy about rubbing my stomach while I was pregnant but he was still excited just as a reminder of our last discussion on that) ====  that you wanted to make this a special event for the two of you to bond over the baby.  That this is something he'd like just the two of you to do and you really are so happy he is finally excited about something, so you want it to be just the two of you.  You should have maybe done that up front rather than never said a word to her that she wasn't included.  You hurt her.  

So, I don't want you to think that I'm not on your side.  I so am.  But your side of things should be peace.  That was why I really questioned you on your mom.  The story has changed about her over time to now she is mentally ill and you are going to the police about her.  Please don't allow your husband to make you hate her or have family problems.  Try to be objective.  If she really is horrible, then your goal is to keep a strong boundary so she doesn't hurt your life.  But so much of your posts read like a huge part of the problem is your husband.  

As a woman, I can certainly understand wanting peace and not knowing which side to choose especially at a vulnerable time like this.  Hang in there.  

[specialmom]

Do you live with her?  I've asked three times.  ha ha.  Just curious.  

[arlandonbloom]

No nobody from his side of the family came to our wedding because it really wasn't a ceremony, it was a court house wedding. And we were suggested by law enforcement to record her as proof of emotional abuse in case we decide to take the matter to the law because she has made threats to us and who would believe word of mouth? And we are not in a position where we can just pick up and move to California due to me still being in school and my husband with his job with the state of Colorado.

[RockRose]

I agree with SM's concerns about taping her,  and still wonder why your mother hasn't met your husband's family.

Did one family or another not come to the wedding?  I get that they don't live in the same state.  Did nobody from his family come to your wedding?

[specialmom]

Hm.  Well, move to California where your husband's family is.  You will need some support once the baby arrives so being near family is nice.

good luck


I do find some things odd.  Who tape records someone yelling at them?  why would you do that and keep it?  What is your intent?  

do you live with your mother?

[TTinKKerBBell]

I can only reiterate what I said above.  I think it's perfectly fine that You and Your Husband keep these moments private.  There's plenty to share once the Babys' here.

That being said,

I'm a firm believer that love isn't always DNA.  You didn't pick Your Mother, and  if She's toxic maybe She shouldn't be around You and Your family.  It's always sad when it's such as that, but    just 'cuz    She's Your Mother doesn't mean You have to tolerate certain behaviors.

Again, I wish You luck.

[arlandonbloom]

She is showing signs of multiple different personality disorders. Literally. She'll be completely fine one second, to be screaming at the family for nothing, to acting like the mother of the year. She is also very manipulative. She has problems and needs to see a doctor but refuses it. And yes she is abusive, emotionally abusive. She hasn't paid a penny for college because I have been going on a scholarship and have paid this past semester myself. To other people she tries to be the mom of the year, and "oh woe is me" but her immediate family knows who she really is. We have recordings of her screaming at us, calling us trash, threatening us.

[arlandonbloom]

Because my husband is from California, and we are from Colorado.

[TTinKKerBBell]

Your Mother can everything a  GrandMother is and still not participate in the UltraSound and the delivery of Your Baby.

You should be strong and firm in what You feel is the right thing to do.  You might tell Your Mother (and others) that They weren't there when You and Your Husband made this baby - it was a very private affair, and that until the Baby is actually here, that You feel these events are private and that You want to keep the birthing private between the Two of You also.  Everyone else can see and participate with the Baby once it's here.

Good Luck

[specialmom]

Yes, that is really odd come to think of it.  Did you marry without family there?  

[specialmom]

Hm.  So she is an abusive monster?  Well, then why don't you and your husband move.  You two don't live with her do you?  You don't ask her for any favors?  She's really not part of your life?  Did she pay for your college at all?  

I ask these questions because you kind of went from A to B.  She was so hurt because she wanted to be at the  ultrasound to calling your baby trash.  It makes me wonder what is true to be honest.  There is inconsistence in the way you describe her.  And if she were such a monster, then how does she have so many friends and family that agreed that you should have invited her to the ultrasound?  

I'm just being honest with you.  I do not believe in allowing toxic people in one's life.  But it is hard to say if this is just emotional on your part and venting or if she really is as bad as your last post.  

If she is as you say, then move away from her.  Problem solved.  good luck

[RockRose]

You're going to have to disengage yourself from this drama,  arlandonbloom,  if you want to have a normal life.  The more you participate in this back and forth ugliness with your mother,  and the more you allow your mother to be around you and your family,   the more likely it will be that you will be just like her.  

Find someone older to serve as your mentor.  Someone everyone likes,  who is zero drama,  and learn to pattern your family and your parenting after her instead of your mother.

I am curious,  though - why hasn't your mother ever met your husband's family?

[arlandonbloom]

I guess I kind of felt like my marriage was the only way out of the house. I wanted to go to college in a different town but she thought that I would get raped and killed. I found out later that she ripped my application and letters of recommendation up and threw them in the trash for that school. I also had an interview with the Dean and she never even informed me of it. She also never wanted her kids to live alone, or to live with anybody until they were married . She has always put me down, always calling me a *s l u t*, *w h o r e*, etc. and especially when we told her that I was pregnant. I don't find her supportive at all, and never have. She is a negative person, she is narcissistic and sometimes I just wish there were a way to force her to go see a therapist because she needs to be put on medication or at least see a different way of life. My older sister (who is 27) is engaged and her and her fiancé just inherited a house so they have been fixing it up as well as planning their wedding and my mom has been no support to her as well. She is constantly putting the both of us down and has said so many hurtful things to us, especially me that I never want to be around her anymore because she can never say anything nice. And she has even made rude comments about my unborn child. Saying that he is going to be a piece of trash just like my husband's dad (note that she has never met my husband's family before). I was also in the hospital a few weeks ago going into preterm labor because she is always constantly fighting with me and that night we got into an argument and even though I tried to keep my cool, my hormones are out of whack, why would I want to be around that? Yes, I understand she is my mother and nothing will ever change that, but why would I want her around me, especially during a time that is supposed to be special?

[specialmom]

Honey, you'll want your mom when  you give birth.  Trust me.  I lost my mom when I was about your age and would have given anything to have her loving care as only a mother can do when I was giving birth.  Besides you and your husband, there will probably be no one else that is excited and will love your child as much as she will.  That is very valuable.  And that you are in a position to not appreciate it and so strongly are trying to assert your independence---  it makes me think you never went through the proper steps of living with parents, living on your own, and THEN marrying so that your mom is not seen as separate from your family. Most people go through a time of dependence and then a time of wanting to be free and then they come back to appreciating their parent.  You never made it to the second part which to me might be about where you were at in life when you got married, your age, or something like that.  

She was hurt that you didn't include her.  No, you certainly don't have to but being empathetic that it hurts her would make you a better daughter.  A kinder person.  You can lovingly set boundaries with someone without being annoyed at their anguish as you do so.  

I would take a soft approach.  Go visit her with pics from the ultrasound and tell her you are sorry.  You didn't know it would mean so much to her.  You can explain that you love her and are so thrilled that she is excited!  But that you are also trying to establish your marriage as you and your husband as parents of the new baby.  That when the two of you (you and husband) do things, it's not to leave her out but to grow as a couple.  That you want your husband to bond with the baby and be excited about parenthood and that part of this birthing process is for him to do that and it is best for the two of you to do some things on your own.  But that it is NOT just to leave her out!  This may make her feel better.

then when the time comes to give birth, be flexible.  Not rigidly trying to escape her.  As you said----  she wasn't trying to hurt you when she initially had great worries and concerns when you got pregnant----  she was being a vocal mom.  Maybe not a great plan on her part but I would guess she acted as she did out of love.  And now she is embracing the baby.  That is a beautiful thing and you WILL come to count on that.  She's Grandma and that is special.  

So, you can do her the courtesy of telling her that initially you want it to be just you and him in the delivery room.  You can mention that you are uncomfortable with it all hanging out.  But I will tell you---  delivery is long.  My husband disappeared down the hall several times and I was left staring at the wall by myself.  And my husband and I were super excited about the baby.  But he had to eat, he had to pee, he had to check out some football which wasn't allowed on in my room as the hospital during giving birth was the only time I was completely in charge of the tv.  ha ha. but you get my drift.  You'll also have questions that a young man won't be able to answer.  I went to the hospital with my husband and his female cousin.  I needed the female cousin!  She stayed until it got late and then had to go.  But she was very comforting to me.  But that again, is between you and your husband.  My point though was to tell her up front with the option to change your mind.  Blaming it on your own discomfort for the process of giving birth and wanting to bond with your husband.  
good luck