husband left again 6th time , please advice

[kitlyn]

Hi all;  i have been married for 7 yrs in August this yr. I mnarried someone who wa svery slow learning in school, i didn;t know his limitations at the time i married him. I recently found out that his family took him to court to get a temp financial incompetency over him (he was 42 at the time) and i didn';t know the truth till now over this. He wanted to make sure the temp guardinaship had been lifted so we went to the court h to see the paperwork on it. Oh boy.. what a long read ..and tons of papers on it. I was shocked to see some of what was written on him . It came as a shock and he found out that the person in his family has lied to him for 7 yrs , as this thing wa slifted many yrs ago. I as his wife have been lied to byall involved and made to feel very unwelcome w many motherinlaw issues w the mother . None the less, should i try to stick w him..i love him so very much..but our main trouble depsite all this has been his mama boy prob and his ina bility to live w me where we have a place to live many miles away from her. He left me yesterday , this sithe 6th time he has left, and he wants me to wait a yr or so to see if he can get it together i have been down this road before many many times..and i feel very destroyed by itall.  Yesterday i got the news from my g friend that he left a place he was working w her, and i came home to find him gone. He calls and says i must put up w it and stay w him. I have never felt so broken.. I m notuneducated , just fell in love deeply and am heartbroken , ty K

[kitlyn]

Ty all: i have been feeling better lately over this.. he keeps calling which makes it hard too. He says to em on phone that he cannot choose between the mother or me, at x and wants me to  move back where he is or stay sep until he can secure a new home. I am tired out. Too many yrs of this..and i need a change in my life. My g friend told him that , i need a change and that its too much for me now. I feel sorry for the mother in a way.. He is 50 she 80 and he and she will be both devastated if soemthing happens to the other. I was trying to help him in his life. But i need help too in my everyday affairs.and he is not helpful. Ty all for talking w me. I am sure i will continue to have trouble w him.as she will too iam sure.  I have heard from him that since he has gone back to live w her that they are trying to regain guardianship over him again , in his state. Is that legal if you ar emarried. as he is to ,me? I wa strying to help him again..but feel its fruitless. Ty all K

[pertykitty]

i think you know what is best for you. i understand being vulnerable when a parent dies. when we are feeling so lost sometimes its easy to be comforted by someone that might not be the best for us. you have grown, and you have realized it sounds what its going to take for you to be happy now. i think you need to stop being this mans caretaker. you dont deserve this for the rest of your life. i know its hard, i have divorced myself, but you know what, when its over and you can move on, and find the right man (or to be alone and happy) its fantastic. i wish you the best in life!

[koukla29]

It sounds like you loved this man despite his deficiencies.  I'm guessing you found out that he has an IQ of 70 or so.  People learn to make up for their deficiencies by mimicking and learning the social ways of society.  I am sure he was charming and sweet, and he stayed away from reading or too much math.  I'm sure you saw signs over the years, but because you loved him, didn't mind taking care of things that appeared difficult for him.

The problem is that he doesn't seem to grasp the concept that he can't just leave when things get tough, and then expect that it won't change your relationship.  I am guessing he has difficulty understanding abstract thinking, and has a hard time really understanding this concept.  It doesn't surprise me that he cries when gets too upset - he might get frustrated and not know how else to deal with the situations he finds himself in.  I think there are some developmental reasons why he behaves the way he does.  This does not excuse his behavior.  However, I think we need all the facts in order to understand motivations.  In his case it sounds to me that he leaves when he gets too frustrated, and does not know how to cope.  Again this is all a guess.  

Best wishes to you.    

[kitlyn]

I posted something but apparently it didn;t post. Oh welll... anyway... I will do ti again. I met him when i was very vulnerable mydad had just died , and i wa sjust out of a long term relationship. It happnend with him way too fast. He was handsome, normal appearance, yes very savy , wonderful communticational skills , and great w people. Kinda of a  hustler acting type cagey..but very kind. He was slow learning in school w dyslexia, and he told me nothing else. Rt before  i married him his borther said hes slow.. i said slow how ..he said well.. slow learning.. no i didn;t know any of what i know now. It was very hidden. I am of above average intelligence, but very open and kind to all. Well educated ,a nd have been self employed for 15 yrs. He knew this too and i did help him at the time he had just left  a job of 25 yrs and tinvested a pension. When we talked about marriage , he looked shocked about the subject of ,a nd a little scared ..yes that was a red flag.. to me..but i overlooked it in my love for him.. When w egot the marriage license his mother whos a refined but over irrational woman , overly possesive of him hit thr roof , and didnt want us to marry. It was very quick the marriage, unlike me but i said what the h.  He was then employed at diff jobs over the years.. but no jobs yiou have to do any kind of wrting or reading..much.. I didn;t down him fir that .. I care for all and am very kind.  Just wanted to update all.. Thinking back there were warning signals to me.. i just didn;t want to see i guess. :( ty K

[kitlyn]

HI: Yes of course i am of above average intellence. I met this man when my father had died 8 yrs ago., I was just out of a long term realtionship and very vulnerable. I am an overcaring person and too nice to all.I knew when i met him that he had dyslexia , and slow learning in school. He went to a special school. I DID not know other things that he was able to withhold. Handsome man and very very savy. He seems intellegent and speaks  w normal attributes.What probed me to say all that about his intellect was that , a yr before i met him his sister took him to court over his financial trouble a the time,  he had borrowed some moeny from aman who was going to take him to court and try to take his pension money, so they had him declared partially incompetent w money, it was  a temp  thing. I didn;t know all this until recently..and when he told me he had a partial guardianship when he firs tme tme , but lied to me, i told him he had to go to the c house to check to see if it was still there, upon doing so i found a overview of what the court papers read , and one was  from a shrink he was evaluated by. It said he had a brain injury at birth. He had lack of oxygen and that supposedly impaired him some. I would rather not say the rest.. I was appalled at what i saw.. He  seems so smart in some ways... but my feeling now is he hid alot. I did know he was afraid of some things in life, phobia s and such as , Us , "normal folk  even have. I took his being slow as that was all.. This was a shock all the other..  Ty for listening ... I do belive he cannot live away from the mother, who by the way uses him for her every need and when she calls he runs.. Yes this time for me it must end.. Its been lies , lies, lies.,,, and thank g we never had children. He seems to have a short attention span, and also no empathy for feelings of others, etc...He gets upset to thr point of almost crying and quivering when he cannot take too much upset.  This is all new..  Ty K

[kitlyn]

Yes he worked  for 25 yrs froma ge 18 on, until i met him, and then after in several other fairly good jobs .

[koukla29]

I think this man is unable to commit to you, and he expects you to wait around when he needs a break.  That doesn't sound very fair to you.  I think you should do what is best for you and stop believing he's going to put you first.

Also, when you say he is "slow" what do you mean?  Has he been able to hold a long term job?  Pay his bills?  Do you feel that you have been able to have in depth conversations about your life with this man?

I think you deserve more than what he is giving you.  Best wishes!  

[kitlyn]

Oh ..i forgot to add that he didn;t do this when i lived w him in his state for the past 5 yrs , ..but we had to let that condo go  last yr. He only leaves when he saway from the mother.. and in my h state.. Ty all for the replies ..this time he has left, after which he promised to never do a disapearing act again,, was the , "wake up" call  , i needed. He doesn;t know what a marital love is. Its like a train wreck i suppose w him , due to also his lack of empathy for others etc He has walked off on his mother too and come back to me when he wants to leave there.  He has called 15 times since he left and i have ended taking all calls from him. TY all for your help w this.. I cannot afford to see a therapist (out of pocket ) rt now.. so i am deeply upset , and talking to friend s and family over him. Thanks so much K

[barn babe]

So he didn't disappear during the last 5 years. His 6 disappearing acts occurred in the past 2 years? That's just as bad (if not worse).  

I'd leave. Hell, I might even do it while he's on his "leave," give him a taste of his own medicine. Leave a note for him saying you plan to file for divorce. This entire marriage is a train wreck.

You really can do better than this.

[pertykitty]

im curious about him being "slow" as well. i mean are you of normal intelligence but he is so bad off he cant work or comprehend normal things? if that is the case it seems odd you would even consider a relationship with this man.  why stay with someone that cant controll himself because of not having the ability to do so. if he has left this many times and runs home to his mom, you should let him go.

[misscloey]

I don't know why you would continue to receive this abuse. You do not deserve to be treated like this. Get out while you can. Good Luck.

[anxiousmomtobe?]

This is not a marriage, you are the custodian for a child living in an adult body.  Let his mummy have him, you deserve your own life.

This is not love it is co-dependence.

[barn babe]

I would have left after the first time it happened. People who love you don't up and disappear out of your life for periods of time without explanation and with "demands" that you must stay around waiting for them.

You've been married for 7 years and he has left 6 times. That's about once a year. Jeez, it's like a regular revolving door kind of thing. Do you really find this an acceptable way to live inside a marriage?  

Do yourself a favor and get a divorce. This guy doesn't love you. Now whether he doesn't love you because he's simply an emotionally damaged individual who lacks the ability to have a meaningful relationship, or whether he truly lacks the intellectual capacity to understand how relationships work is up for question. At this point, however, it doesn't matter why. It just matters that he has been emotionally abusing you, perhaps with the help of his family, and you have  been putting up with it for 7 years.

Newsflash: You don't get those 7 years back. Do you want to throw another 7 years of your life away on a person like this?  

I say get out of this marriage. It's not worth saving.

[bip]

Im sorry to here this. It sounds like to me this isn't getting very far. I think you should just move on I know you love him so much and it's hard but you don't need this in your life he sounds like he has alot of changing to do but I really don't see that happened  we  don't deserve men like this.......

Good Luck!!!

[mayflowers]

Wow, this guy doesn't sound very stable.  It's going to be hard having a mature relationship with him.  When someone keeps leaving, that's not a good sign.  I would think that after all these years some of these issues would have been resolved by now, but since they haven't, I can't say I see much hope for things changing.  

I know you love him, and it's always hard moving on, but sometimes that's what you got to do to keep your sanity.  Your going to have to make the choice of whether you want this type of behavior in your life or not.  Like I said, I don't see much hope for this situation changing.