attraction while being in love

[boogiefly]

Hello I told my boyfriend of 14 yrs that 7 years ago I had been attracted to a few other guys because they were nice to me when he wasn't. We had started out great with lots of romance and passion, but he moved 40 miles from me about 6 months into it. Things weren't the same. He changed. He told me I was perfect, but then he started talking about girls he thought were cute, and he started looking more at porn. He told me he wasn't, and he told me he didn't like other girls but he did. This was years ago, and I don't care. We now have been very honest about these things. But I feel guilty about the past all the time. Now that I told him that I was attracted to these guys, I feel worse. He said he doesn't want to hear about it anymore, or he will leave me. If u all don't remember me, I was the one. Who kissed a girl around the same time in my life and still feel guilty everyday for it. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to make this guilt go away, I can't live like this anymore. I can't see a counselor, I can't afford it. Please if anyone can help.

[specialmom]

It wasn't a waste of my time . . . I'm just not sure what you are looking for.  I think at some point you have to say----  enough to yourself and move on.  No one can make you do that but yourself.  You say you want to but come up with every answer not to do it.  So I can't think of any way to help you.  No one here is going to have the answer as to why you needed extra people in your life at that time . . . obviously, something was lacking.  But as I said, since it was so long ago and hasn't happened since, why you are obsessing over it is something I don't understand.  I think lots of people gave you advice here . . . good luck and I hope you are able to get over it.

[boogiefly]

Well ok, thanks for your help.  I do really want to get over it. I just want to understand what made me do such stupid things, since I was and had always been in love with my boyfriend.  The person I kissed was not the same person I had the discussions with, it was a different person though.  That was back when my boyfriend lived 50 miles away, and I'd only get to see him twice a week.  The person I kissed was just someone I barely ever spoke to.  I am not sure that these were emotional because I didn't have romatic feelings for them exactly, I just admired their good qualities.  Sorry if this post has been a waste of your time.  I just needed some advice.

[specialmom]

Well, yes, to me they do seem like emotional affairs.  I'm a married woman and I don't have men that "like" me that I have long discussions with that I just kiss one time . . . Sorry.  I don't.  And I certainly don't have any male "friends" that seven years later I am still talking about as an issue in my current relationship.  IE:  things are never as they seem if they are what makes you fight with your boyfriend.  I'm not calling you stupid.  But I'm pretty sure there isn't much more I can say to you.  You don't really seem to WANT to get over it . . . so I think I've gone as far with this as I can . . . good luck.

[boogiefly]

I appreciate the advice.  You might think I am stupid, but what exactly makes it into an emotional affair?  The person I kissed I flirted with once in a while, and one day I just kissed them.  We were friends, but mostly at work.  There was also this other person I used to talk to that was older, and I considered him my friend as well.  I used to get into such long talks with him it lasted until after work, but the discussions were about my boyfriend, and advice from a man's perspective on some of the issues we were having.  A lot of times when I would try to talk to my boyfriend about things that upset me, he would get angry and defensive and tell me to shut the f up and leave him alone, and we'd fight even more.  Then when that guy friend I had showed up, I would ask him about it and he would try to help me.  The whole time he liked me, but I didn't like him the same way, I only liked him as a friend.  He had some good qualities, that I thought if my boyfriend left me, he would be one of my options, but I never seriously thought about going out with him.  Do any of these sound like emotional affairs?

[specialmom]

I am wondering about your relationship as a whole, to be honest.  There is a BIG difference between having a major flirtation with someone (in which you kissed them) as you said you did.  But that was 7 years ago.  SEVEN years ago.  Have you told him of this?  Has he told you to move on?  Maybe you haven't completely come clean with the depth of that relationship----  which is more like an emotional affair.  I don't know . . . but the guy is saying move on.  

That is hugely different than having attraction to someone or thinking about another guy.  I mean if that is your standard of unfaithful . . . I've cheated on my husband about a million times with George Clooney.  We had a recent three hour affair by those standards when I saw his latest movie.  It is a little ridiculous and makes me wonder about the maturity of your relationship.  Just being honest.  The only relationships I hear like this are controlling and abusive.  

No one really wants their man oogling other ladies in front of them and vice versa.  But it is naive for anyone to think that their partner doesn't look.  I'm sure my husband looks . . .but I am secure enough in my relationship with him that I couldn't care less.  No, I wouldn't appreciate if he were rude about it, flirted with them, or went on and on.  But he is respectful and doesn't.  If caught----  he always says the funniest things.  He'll say-----  I kind of like her shoes.  You should get a pair of those.  I always laught because it is harmless.  

So it is time to maybe examine what is going on here.  It is probably not healthy.  Good luck

[boogiefly]

You are right, I DO have issues. I know I do seem childish, but we got together at a young age, and both agreed we wouldn't look at other people, it was his idea.  Then shortly after, he started to, and it took me years until I did.  I guess I just feel wrong like I should have told him but, really, I always thought he was going to leave me because he would always threaten to.  Even though he DOES look at girls and think and say they are hot (even on front of me and to me), he is still upset that I am attracted to guys.  He says he feels lied to, but is that something you are supposed to share with the one you love, I don't think so, I think it's disrespectful, but he wants to know those things.  So I told him, per our discussion, and he is hurt by it, but he said for me to drop it and don't mention it, or think about it again, so I am doing my best.  I have no clue why others responding to me think I am asking for attention, I am not like that, I just want to be as honest to him as he wants me to be.  I just have a problem feeling guilty about all of this and I can't imagine why I can't let it go.  I want to really, but thoughts just come up out of nowhere, and I feel obligated to tell him.

[mami1323]

I remember responding to your last post and saying how your feelings are going to sabotage your relationship.  If he's not bothered by it anymore and wants to move on than you must forgive yourself.  My advice would be the same as last time.  Perhaps you need to let him go.  If you can't get over it and continue to guilt yourself than you won't ever be happy in this relationship.

[specialmom]

Okay,  everyone here is wondering why you are so upset about what is in the past as it doesn't seem to be causing any current problems in your relationship.  You are just feeling guilty.  So, how about a letting go of guilt ceramony?  Write a letter explaining all you did wrong ----  why, how, when and how sorry you are about it.  Make it really long and detailed to the point you labor over it.  Then burn it in a moment when you are alone.  Then it is over.  You've suffered enough and it is unhealthy to hang onto guilt for so long.  And because of this, I'm wondering if you aren't depressed to a certain degree.  If you can't let go . . . there is another reason for it.  Have this little ceramony (for yourself, don't ask you bf to participate or anyone else------  this is YOUR deal) and if you still are consumed with guilt, you need to look at why as it would be in the not normal range then and is a symptom to something else.  Good luck.

[JackieMarie130]

I'm sorry but you got issues. You're 30 and you're acting 10. I'm a lot younger than you and i even know that being attracted to someone else in a relationship is NORMAL. you can look alll you want its normal! I'm sure he looks at the other women and thinks to himself or says out loud with his buddies" damn shes hot"  who cares? along as you're not acting on it then it doesn't matter! You said you kisssed another guy years ago while being with your boyfriend and you're bringing it up still?? STOP. if he let it go and doesn't care then you shouldn't either IT WAS YEARS AGO!!! Just move on&be happpy with what you have now. You're 30 but act 10 maybe you're just looking for attention? this post is ridiclouis and just baby stufff. Grow up.

[younggrandmother]

You need to move on, if he is not upset then why are you? He probably does not need to know how you felt about the other people,you are with him and it has been 7 years he is over it, why aren't you? If it was just finding others attractive it's not a big deal. By bringing it up after 7years he may feel like you are trying to hurt him or trying to make him jealous and it is not working, so you may feel like he does not care. When in all actuality he has gotten over it.Let the past be the past if you wont a future.
Good Luck, and let it go.
young/gma

[Sarawalsh]

sorry there is not "the" in front. just www.truthaboutdeception.com

[Sarawalsh]

This is a good website where i learned about how people have different attachement styles, different love styles and how how it is possible to love someone and yet be attracted to another --- thetruthaboutdeception.com

[boogiefly]

Hello, I don't feel really young, I'm 30. My boyfriend seemed to not expect that I would ever be attracted to anyone else. So that is why I feel so guilty

[boogiefly]

....I can't shake the guilt from it, let alone being attracted to others besides the person I kissed. I was stupid and I was trying to be open about everything I could be. He deserves my honesty

[boogiefly]

Hello, in response to your questions, I am not trying to upset him. I had been feeling a lot of guilt lately about how I was years ago and the guilt won't go away. I was just trying to be honest to him about it.  I screwed up and kissed one person and I confessed it to himm 3 years ago, and I can't

[Judy246]

Life and time is changing and you both seem to be going in another direction and that's ok. You need to re-evaluate if you both want to be either be exclusive and committed or simply date other people. I believe that if a relationship is to be, it will happen no matter what. The only way to stop feeling guilty of the past is to forgive yourself and him for past transgressions and start being simply honest and sincere with yourself and others.  Good luck, Judy

[specialmom]

Hi, I am one more person agrees with the others.  Why would you worry about being attracted to someone seven years ago.  That is odd-----  and why are you bringing it up?  Is it to hurt your boyfriend back for hurting you when he talks about other girls?  I'm not trying to cut you down, just trying to understand.  I don't know another person who doesn't find someone other than their partner attractive.  It is human nature.  It doesn't mean you will do anything about it-----  it just means you aren't blind.  If you had some kind of emotional relationship with them behind your bf's back, that is another matter.  Not good.  but it was seven years ago.  Are you looking for an excuse to end your relationship?  Your boyfriend doesn't sound like he is mad----  he's just tired of hearing about it.  You'll have to find another way to push his buttons.  Good luck.

[jo929]

I agree with all of the above it is time to leave the past just where it should be in the past also i am confused you say he has been your boyfriend for 14 years, isnt that a little long without tying the knot unless you are really young  luck  jo

[megochick101]

I'm sorry but you sound really young and a little immature to me.  You can't help who you are attracted to. I agree you need to get over it and let this go. You are holding on to things which do NOT matter in the slightest. I've been with my husband for almost 7 years now and Yes of course i've been attracted to other men, and i'm sure he's been attracted to other women, and that's completely normal, it's natural.

You really need to get over this and fast! It was 7 YEARS ago!! And you're letting little nonsense from the past effect your relationship now. You need to realize that you WILL be attracted to other people, it doesn't matter if you love your bf or not, it will happen because it's a natural thing that you can NOT control. As long as you do NOT act on those attractions and don't cheat, then don't worry. Because feeling guilty because you think a guy is cute is absolutely ridiculous.

[boogiefly]

Thanks for the comment. I appreciate your understanding. I never acted on it with any of the guys plus my boyfriend was attracted to other girls he went to school and worked with. I just feel so bad. He is everything to me and I just know how I could be attracted to another guy. I will keep trying to move on but the guilt gets overwhelming.  Sorry I got your name wrong

[boogiefly]

Thanks for the comment. I appreciate your understanding. I never acted on it with any of the guys plus my boyfriend was attracted to other girls he went to school and worked with. I just feel so bad. He is everything to me and I just know how I could be attracted to another guy. I will keep trying to move on but the guilt gets overwhelming.

[JackieMarie130]

get over it. So what you were attracted to another guy. It happens even if you are in love you may feel attracted to someone and this was 7 years ago, who cares? Stop thinkng about the past and look forward for the future. Life is to short to have regrets. Just be happpy with what you have now because you can't change the past. It happend its over and done with now be happy =)