committment phobia? or excuse?

[jecuse]

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over a year now.  We have a really great relationship, we hardly ever argue, we have the same interests and we confide in each other about everything.  When we first started dating he told me he's never been in a relationship over 4 months and he's always gotten cheated on.  After 2 months, we said our "i love you's". Out of nowhere he just stopped saying it after about 4 months, but he still acted the same way.  I recently asked him where we stand and why he doesn't say it anymore, and he told me that he fears committment and he's not sure what he wants now or in the future because his mom cheated on his dad for 5 years even though they were married for almost 30 before she finally left him.  He said he wanted to break up for awhile until he figures out what it is he wants. He gets really emotional when we talk about it, and he said he's never gotten this upset over past break ups. Is this just an excuse to be single again or is he really worried the same thing will happen to him that happened to his dad?

[redneckmom]

I wouldn't cut him off.  That may reinforce his thinking that women run away and hurt men.  Unless of course you don't want him anymore, in which case explain that you cannot handle this as it is hurting you too much.  However, if you are happy with him and you are getting along well then let it go.  There is no need to rush and I feel that sometimes there doesn't need to be a "finish line" If you have fun with him and are young then don't worry about marriage.  You learn a lot from every relationship and even if you two aren't meant for the altar you may make eachother better for the next person out there.  

I would stay, in fact I did stay and I'm getting married in September.  My fiance and I have been dating for 5 years.  We moved in with eachother after 3.5 years.  We didn't talk about eachother getting married, however he knew I wanted to be married some day.  I let him know what I saw for my future so he would know how to make his decisions.  He had been hurt in the past and was slow to trust.  I didn't push it because we got along so welll.  Same values and goals, wants and needs.  We have always gotten along well and he now tells me that he loves me so much because I never pushed.  I just showed patience and understanding and proved to him that I wasn't going to do anything to jeapordize our relationship.  Sometimes the road is very slow and winding but when you get to wherever you end up you can finally see that it was all worth it.  I don't regret a minute of our relationship, which at times has been extremely slow moving.  I was enjoying myself and him and he was enjoying himself and me.  He just wasn't ready to have his heart trampled again and I felt he was worth it to prove that I wouldn't trample it.  

That is just my story and opinion.  Do whatever you feel is right.  I wish you well.

[Crystlas]

Sounds to me like he has trust issues.  It is hard to trust after being cheated on so much.  I had this issue with my now fiance before we got engaged.  I went back into counseling so that I could deal with my past hurts, before getting serious with him.  My ex-husband was an abusive, womanizing A**hole.  It hurt for so long to be cheating on, and still bothers me deep down some too.  So, I suggest you let him know you deserve to be trusted and will not cheat.  Also, it is a really good idea for him to get some counseling to feel better about himself and your relationship.  Good luck!

[jecuse]

Thanks for your responses.. I'm just so confused. He still calls me all the time and still asks to hang out.. should I just cut him off and maybe he'll decide if he really wants to me with me or not?

[redneckmom]

I dissagree.  Give him a little time and a lot of proof that you aren't like this.  I wouldn't sit around for 10 years doing that, but a year isn't a lot of time in the grand scheme of things.  If you want to wait for him, wait for him.  If not then don't.  I don't think it is a genuine phobia however I'm sure he is scared.  Men already seem to have an "emotional wall" up when in relationships more so than us women, and many times when they have seen a man they look up to get hurt badly it is even worse.  It is up to you to decide if you want to try to "break down this wall" and up to him if he wants to let you.  Tough decision for both of you.  I hope the best for you both.

[jo929]

i guess i  really did not ans the question you asked. in my above ans
Commitment Phobia or Excuse    
I have heard that ole excuse give to so many woman and they fell for it so maybe things happen in the past with his dad this is the future and my guess is he does not want to commit he has no phobia   i think it is excuse         lots luck  jo  

[jo929]

with an attitude like his the more you chase the faster he will run it would appear that he does not want to get married back off and look around   lots luck jo