How can I overcome my lack of respect?

[noaaiona]

I need help. I feel like I am going crazy. I love my husband very much but I do not respect him. His biggest fear is that I will not respect him, and I don't . When we get into an argument and I start raising my voice (out of anger and frustration) he immediately starts telling me that I don't respect him. And I tell him that he can't just demand respect, he has to earn it.
I do not respect him for the following reasons:

1) after 2 years, he still does not have a job. And it's not the economies fault. He's probably only turned in a total of 10 applications and followed up with only one of the applications.

2) I don't feel like I have a partner when it comes to shouldering responsibilities.

3) He lacks motivation.

4) He is the laziest person I have ever met. He will walk into the house, take his shoes off in the middle of the living room and walk away. Those same shoes will stay there until the next time that he has to put them on. If he's in for the night, then he steps on his toes to pull the socks off and leaves them laying next to his shoes. He will take his pants off in the living room and leave it there. He does not know how to pick up after himself. If I want them moved, than I need to pick them up. Anytime that I try to talk to him about picking up after himself, it results in an argument. And then the argument leads to him telling me that I am being disrespectful to him for yelling at him.

5) I feel like I have two children, not a husband and son.

6) Since I work full-time, I have asked him to call our sons doctor to schedule an appointment for a hearing test. I asked him to do it is June. I finally had to call the doctor myself in September and take him in. Why can't he call the doctor when all he's doing is sitting at home, literally doing nothing.

7) Being that I am the breadwinner, I have to pay all the bills and my husband pays none. And yet, he does absolutely nothing to help me with keeping costs down. When he's at home during the day, he loves to run the heater full blast all day. When I get home, I'm constantly turning the heater down ( our house is not freezing either!). He never buys any toiletries, and yet he feels the need to go through a whole roll of the best toilet paper in one day. Anytime he does have money, it's automatically gone because he's spent it on cigarettes or beer.

8) The only thing that I refuse to do around the house is take out the trash. After all, he should have at least ONE responsibility. And he fights me on that! He asks me " Why can't you do it?" I feel like yelling " BECAUSE I DO EVERYTHING ELSE FOR THIS GOD DAMN FAMILY!" But when I do 'flip my lid' then it's a huge argument that results. In reality, we could fight ever single day if I wanted to. But I don't.

I feel that I don't have a partner who shoulders responsibility with me. I can never count on him to help me out. And I don't respect him. He's good with our son and I love him. But the sad thing is; if he was gone tomorrow, nothing would change in our home. The house would still function the same. The only difference is that my son and I would miss him.

How can I overcome my lack of respect for him? Anytime I try to talk to him about it we just start to argue. I would love for him to just start growing up and take responsibility for our family. I always wonder about telling him to leave, but I don't know what to do. Help?

[noaaiona]

thank you all for your sound advice. I appreciate your thoughts and input. He knows my expectations of him and yet his son and I are not sufficient motivation for him to do anything productive with his life. He would be perfectly happy not doing anything for the rest of his life, I don't know how he respects himself. First off, I will seek couples counseling and then proceed from there.

Thank you to all-

[Mytwags]

i have always contended that men (i am one) will only do as much as women expect us to.    if we are allowed to do nothing we will

[g27gear]

It sounds like he's not doing a darn thing for your family and you'd probably be better off without him. He seems to create more work then he actually does. Is he watching your son while you're at work, that would be the only reason to keep him around. If that's not the case, tell him to go see how well he does without you. A total lack of respect is what he deserves right now...

[babypooh]

Yes, churches do counseling and you just make a small donation, whatever you can afford. I'm sorry that you're going through this. I know how frustrating it can be. Try not to start screaming no matter what he says and that way he never has a reason to make you feel guilty by saying you disrespect him. I'm glad that you stopped doing things for him; wait a while and maybe he'll get tired of it and start cleaning up after himself and helping out more. Often times, people get away with things because we let them and they get too comfortable and take advantage. Tell him that in order for things to work, he needs to help you around the house until he finds a job and make sure you tell him that you expect him to get one. If you decide to leave him, maybe you should ask HIM to leave, not you and your son. If you don't think that he would do it, then maybe you can get his things out of the house and change locks when he's out running an errand or buying whatever. Good luck, honey. Sorry you have to go through this.

[noaaiona]

I live in Eugene, Oregon.

[AHP84]

Many churches do marriage counseling for free. I don't know any recommendations to make because your profile info does not name your location.

[noaaiona]

Thanks for the suggestion AJH84, but I would easily tell him to leave rather than afford him his own place. I have no problem in telling him that he needs to go but there's always a consequence to an action. For instance, if I do ask him to move out than I honestly feel that he will not call or see his son.
I think that marriage counseling would help alot. Do you ladies know of any low cost marriage counseling that I can find in my community? For instance do you know of any particular organizations that are nationwide that offer referrals?

[AHP84]

Maybe you could rent an apartment to live separately for a while. Tell him you will pay the first 1-3 months rent and move-in fees, but after that, he's on his own to support himself.
I don't know if that could work, but that's the only thing I can think of in order to avoid a power struggle between the two of you in the same home, as he knows you will only cut back on so much, so that means he can still get away with that much more.

[mami1323]

Don't get into a screaming match, because it seems that's when he loves to say you have no respect for him.  When your son is in bed tell your husband that you think the best thing for the two of you would be a short break to really re-establish the relationship.  You can not do every thing on your own and without help from him, your really wearing thin on this marriage.  You are exhausted all of the time and the arguments are due to the fact that the responsibilites in the family are not divided evenly.  You need space and not to figure out how you feel about him, because you still honestly and truly love him but so he can understand what he really wants.  You are not his mother and it's not your job to take care of him.  You are partners, there should be some equality and he's not doing his part.  You think that perhaps if you and him were to take some time apart, he would understand the value of family unity and he will gain some responsibility.  It will give him a chance to grow as a man.  I would also suggest some couples counseling.  

[noaaiona]

do you have any suggestions as to how I can bring about the conversation regarding taking a break? I would like to avoid a divorce at all costs. I've stopped doing things for him or cleaning up after him, but there's only so much that I can cut. I can't stop cooking dinner for my son. I've resorted to hiding toilet paper. I don't buy him anything or enable him; but it doesn't motivate him to do things for himself. But I have to keep my house in some type of order for the sake of my son and my own sanity; I cannot live in a pig sty!

[mami1323]

There isn't much you can do to help him.  He has to want to help himself.  There is no reason for him to do anything if you wind up doing it for him.  I don't think you have lack of respect for him, I think he has lack of respect for you.  A real partner will not let the other take on all the responsiblities of the entire family.  If you are bringing in the money, then he should take care of the home.  That includes cleaning up after himself and your child.  Getting dinner prepared, taking care of chores around the house.  Basically he is a stay at home dad.  That is a job in itself if he was actually doing the work.  What would you really miss about him?  If you really want him to grow up then force him into that type of situation.  Maybe take a break from him so that he has no choice but to take care of himself.  I think that's all you can do.