should i leave or stay

[disaster12]

i have been with my husband for 6 years. we got married about two months ago. alot of you may not agree with this, but just hear me out. before we got married he was mentally abusive and controlling and he had even got a little bit abusive. but afterwards he would tell me that he didnt mean anything he said and said he was sorry. when ever he had physically hurt me he would feel so bad but say things like if i hadnt made him so mad it never would have gotton that far. so i feel that maybe that it was my fault. but he is so controlling! he dosnt work and iv paid the bills by myself for the entire relationship. ok so i left and told him that i was going to my moms. told him we needed to end this. he is taking it as a seperation. at first he begged me to stay then he talked to his mom and said that this is what we need to do. i made a list of pros and cons and my cons list is so much longer. he sprained my arm and i said enough is enough. his whole family keeps asking me why i put up with it all. iv left before and he swore he would change and he never did. i dont know what to do. he is telling me he will change. thing is im super depressed dont know what to do with myself. i dont remember the real me. im not happy and dont know how to be happy. iv considered seeing a marriage counsler but he dont want to. iv thought about seeing one by myself because it shows that im super serious which i am. but i cant afford one. i dont know what to do. should i try to reconcile the marriage? my dad says yes because we got married in front of god. his mom told me if it was her she wouldve left a long time ago. should i move on? i mean its bad when hes even doing wrong with his mom. he wants to work on our marriage but i couldnt take it anymore being in the same house as him. he said that he wont stop wearing his ring even though i took mine off. im afraid. he wants to spend thanksgiving together me at his parents and him at mine. i thought about staying gone till he changes and then come back but what if its too late? what if he changes and decides its better without me? what if he dosnt change at all? should i talk to him on the phone? go see him and talk? should i even spend time with him on thanksgiving? i should say that no we do not have children. i want some he dosnt. but i dont even know if i want them anymore. not with someone that wont work puts me down all the time and hurts me. we always argue always. he says its my fault. maybe it is. it does sound like im confused i just need someones advice.

[Ayden_MOM]

There is absolutely no reason For a man too put his hands on a wonman.. EVER!! LOVE IS SO BLIND BUT DONT LET IT take OVER YOUR MIND. GET OUT N GET HELP BEFORE ITS TOO LATE. THINGS WONT CHANGE.  IM SOO SORRY YOU HAD TO GO THROUGH THIS BUT LIFE IS TOO SHORT TO NOT B HAPPY! & TO LOVE AND BE LOVED! MOVE ON I KNO ITS HARD BUT .IT'LL B MORE PAINFULL TO STAY!

GOODLUCK

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Yes, it is painful to read your words.  The thing is, for these abusive relationships to exist, it takes two people to do the dance.  Your husband (whom you married knowing all of these things about him) is abusive and you've been excusing it, blaming yourself, been unwilling to protect yourself and leave.  This is the profile of a codependent relationship.  

I say this with a heavy heart, but you appear to be emotionally unhealthy.  Please do not take offense to this as it is only meant to help.  The natural response to someone hurting us physically is to walk away, run away even.  

He will not change.  I say that with certainty due to statistics.  You've been willing to come back over and over again and this has helped to teach him that if he finds the right woman, he will not be held accountable for his actions.  You've been the right woman all these years to do this abusive, unhealthy dance with him.  

I really think you need to discover why.  This would include seeing a clinical therapist that can discuss depression with you, feelings of self worth, and try to work through why you have become a codependent woman.  Also strategizing on how to break this cycle in your life will be important.  

Remember, an abuser usually escalates over time.  He would need intense therapy, anger management training, and possibly treatment for depression, bipolar, or other issues that might be playing a hand in his hurting those he says he loves.  But do I think you should hang around to see if he is able to overcome his grave shortcomings?  No.  Not in a million years would I ever suggest a woman stay with an abusive man.  Ever.  Ever.

In my church which is as strict as they come regarding religion, physical abuse is a deal breaker and you are granted the immediate right to terminate the marriage.  God doesn't want his children beaten by an out of control spouse.  

I really believe that you know what you need to do.  I wish you the strength to do it so you can get on with your life and find true happiness in a healthy relationship.  Seek counseling to understand how you got here so the pattern doesn't repeat.  Peace.

[RockRose]

disaster,   it's painful to read your post.

One thing that keeps coming out are the huge mixed messages you are sending.  On the one hand you keep saying it's time to end it,  I'm super serious,  then you go on to say you should go to marital counseling and you have a fear that he will change and decide he's better off without you.

You are in absolute conflict with your statements - saying at once "enough is enough" and that you need to end this,  while pushing for counseling and hoping he doesn't decide he's better of with you gone.  

I think before you go any further,  you need to pick one of these three statements that best defines how you feel,  and move in that direction:

1.  I absolutely want out of this relationship

2.  I want to wait and see and make a decision later based on future behavior

3.  I want to work to make this marriage stay together.


Best wishes.  You don't need another person's opinion,  but if you're looking for that,  I'd be out in a heartbeat.  You're getting nothing from this at all.

[gem421]

My mum went through the same situation as you! You shouldn't have to be going through this sort of abusive relationship, they always say they will change and it never happens, Ive seen my mum cry, heard her scream out in pain etc and it's not a nice thing to hear, I wouldn't wish for anyone to have to go through that day to day abuse, so I would leave before it gets to late and he seriously hurts you! You want to live your life happily, not in a world of fear. You should seriously think about what you want in life, cos everyone deserves to be happy and by the looks of it your not happy right now. Best of luck to you x

[Londres70]

Please read again the last 7-6 sentences of your post minus the self -blame and confusion/self-doubt parts.  

This will NEVER work if he doesn't want counseling my dear.  An abuser would first have to admit he is indeed an "abuser" and then be willing to seek help.  

Your "pro/con" list correlates with leaving as you already stated the con portion of the list was way longer.

Walk away from this and get healthy.  

I would recommend looking for free or low cost counseling centers in your area that deal with women who have been abused.  Sounds like all your "being" has been "snuffed" out related to this relationship.  

[HelpMe305]

I know it's hard to because you love him, but I think you need to value yourself. Maybe not divorce right away, youdid commit into this relationship, but take some time for yourself to reflect on what you expect from him and this marriage. One thing I feel strongly about, any physical abuse should not be tolerated. Love yourself more than him. Maybe you should try seeing the pastor that married you? Maybe any free groups you can go too? Before you make your marriage work, you need to know who you are.