Really Confused - Am I Just Greedy

[female33]

I'm not sure if I am being greedy and would appreciate other peoples views. I'm 33 and have been in a warm and loving relationship for 4 years.  We live together and very rarely argue or even get under each others feet.  He is affectionate and considerate and basically doesn't do anything wrong - ever.  Our sex life is also fairly healthy, but not anything special.  Having said all of that, I have been constantly frustrated with our lack of communication.  All conversation is small talk and I never feel as though we talk about anything that I wouldn't discuss with a stranger.  I know he loves me deeply but does not want to get married (I do) and he really doesn't want children (I'm unsure).  He will not really talk to me about these things, which I believe are too important to ignore.  He regularly goes out with his friends, but our evenings are restricted to 'cosy nights in' which I am bored with.  When we go out on our own for dinner/drinks, I find that I am the one doing all of the talking and keeping the conversation going.  When we are out together with other friends, he is the life and soul of the party.  

Despite this, I thought I was happy and felt I was being too demanding expecting more that I had already.  We both have great jobs and he talked a lot about retiring early and enjoying our time together.  My view is that I am only 33 and want to enjoy the time now.  

Not quite sure how it happened, but I ended up starting an affair with a married man from work who I had always been attracted to.  We have been seeing each other for over 6 months and I have only recently started to feel any guilt.  This man talks to me and opens up to me and basically makes me feel that I am alive.  It has become more than sex and I now have strong feelings for him.  He wants us to start planning how we can be together, but I am terrified that if I leave my current partner, that I will regret it.  I'm having strong feelings of guilt which alternate with feelings of frustration and confusion.  We are about to move house and I know that now is the time to make a decision but I feel like a rabbit in the headlights.  I don't know how to deal with it.  My approach of leaving it to fate is not a healthy one.

[Lonelymom]

It's okay. I have done the samething before. Wow take pain meds and you really can't type.

[KATE535]

SORRY,
My post was for female33. OOPS, apologies - got the names muddled up!!

[Lonelymom]

I didn't feel as he was using me to escape. I feel as if we both had a void in our life that needed to be filled and we used each other to fill it. The fact that I didn't feel guilty about cheating on my husband showed me I was no longer in love with him. He learned the same thing about his wife.

As I said we are still best friends and talk all the time. I do not have a negative opinion on him. My relationship problems are with someone tottaly different. I have posted my own question which I have taken the advice on there seriously.

My last boss/best friend is not any of my problems. All I said was it ended for us because I felt bad over busting up their marriage and started to look down on myself for being a home wreaker. I am not that kind of person!

My advice was for female33. I just wanted to let her know that there are people out there that have been in her shoes and knows what she is going through. And even though we can give her advice the choice is completely up to her.

[mami1323]

How do you know this is true about his wife?  Don't you think that perhaps a man, who wants to justify his affair will talk badly about his wife?  You actually think he would say, I have a wonderful wife at home but hey screw her, I like you?  Every man who has an affair talks badly about their marriage, their wife/husband, their relationship.  Did you actually talk to the wife?  Do you know her personally?  How can you honestly say she is all of these things?  You are taking the word of a man who will cheat on his wife.  If she's so awful then he should've just left her and then began dating.  I don't condone or justify cheating, I don't care how bad the relationship has got.  You either work on the issues in your marriage/relationship or you leave.  You don't go and selfishly start seeing someone else and disregard the pain you may cause on someone else.  I don't know, maybe I'm biased here but I just don't think you can justify something like that.

[KATE535]

If you feel he is using you to escape then you don't come across as entirely in to him, nor he is in to you. You are obviously in doubt you want him otherwise you wouldn't have a negative opinion of him like that.
Yes this whole situation has shown you that you need to leave your partner because you are unhappy, and it's only fair to him to end it whilst you are seeing someone else, but that doesn't mean you have to leave your partner FOR someone else especially if you have doubts about him. You could leave and be on your own for a while to figure out what you need to be happy.
I knew my partner was The One although he was preparing for divorce (ie married) - he was worth the problems that lay ahead with sorting al that out.
Getting involved with this married man and ultimately leaving your partner should happen/ have happened only if you truly love eachother and not because you're his escape plan.

[Lonelymom]

I have been there!! I had an affair with my last boss. He started falling for me as I was him. Same situation his wife was controlling and never gave him any respect. She put him down constantly and never was willing to please him unless she wanted it.

We are still friends even though we never moved forward. I backed off because I started hating myself for getting involved with a married man. Sorry I can't be much advice since I am also going through a hard time with a relationship.

Take some time to yourself and get to know who you are first.

[female33]

It's good to hear your comments.  I don't know why I expect anyone to have any sympathy with my situation. Therefore, I never try to explain his circumstances as it always seems to make it worse.  His wife has suffered from depression for most of their married life.  I do not believe she is abusive or controlling, but she has been in and out of treatment for several years, during which time, there was much emotional blackmail and testing times.  I respect him for standing by her and having known him from work over that time, also believe him to have been completely faithful.  Our affair started because we were both unhappy.  He has explained that he has excepted defeat and just wants to try and be happy.  He sees me as the solution and whilst I adore him, I don't want to be his escape plan.  

I have come to terms with the fact that I need to leave my current partner.  Whether I end up with the other man or not I don't know.  I just know that there is no point in settling for something you are not happy with.  Life is too precious.

[KATE535]

It depends on the circustances with him and his marriage, and therefore whether he will do it to you in the future. I say this because I met a married man at work who was preparring for a divorce. He made vows to this woman, so did she. She became a violent wife and regularly controlled him, and emotionally and physically was abusive to him. She hardly stuck to her vows to cherish, love and adore (at the wedding). She was a horrible wife, taking advatage of an extremly caring kind hearted man. He eventually left her, having taken all he could bear. When we met we talked a lot about our relationships as we shared similar pain from home life from abusive partners.
It is difficult  to judge this man as we do not know if he is happily married enjoying an affair or if he is trapped in an unhappy marriage that has not turned out to have a future, so getting involved with you may have been him fufilling his need to feel loved. Because if so, as in my case, this man may indeed never cheat on you, or leave you, so long as you give him the love and happiness he may deserve, and desire.
I'm not saying it is always like this as to how affairs arise but also you can't always generalise about every man or woman who has an affair until you know the circumstances.
He may be the type who enjoys a mistress or whatever, but he may be a man in NEED of someone else. If he's serious about you, he will do the descent thing and end his marriage. He shouldn't be having two realtionships going for much longer. That isn't fair on his wife or you. You need to make him choose.
My man has always said he got married for the wrong reasons - She wanted to get married for years - She promised it would change her - only she became worse - using 'I'M YOUR WIFE!!...' to exert nastiness, demands, control etc, over him.

If he (the new man) is somone you trust will bring you happiness think carefully how happy he is in his current marriage before you conclude he will never cheat on you too.

[mami1323]

Agiesmom said it all.  How can you start a relationship with a man who could easily do something so hurtful to someone he committed himself to?  Could you honestly believe he wouldn't do it to you?  You will always wonder about his integrity and he will probably always wonder about yours as well since you are doing it to the person you are with.

[teko]

Being  bored is calm. Results of messin with someone elses man is anything but borin, and watch out cause it could be down right deadly!

[treazzure007]

married men never work out.  find a single one if you desire someone else, a change and just be grown-up enough and considerate enough to tell your partner.  nothing wrong w/ that

[female33]

You are right.  I almost laughed when you said I needed counseling for being attracted to unavailable men, but only because I realise it is true.  

He doesn't have children, although I know that doesn't make it any more acceptable.

Thankyou.  I am a convert to these forums, sometimes only strangers say it how it is.

[Agiesmom]

I think you should break it off with both men and seek counseling to try to figure out why you are attracted to unavailable men.  Your live-in boyfriend is unavailable emotionally and has made it clear that he doesn't ever want to marry you when you want to be married to him and he won't have an in-depth conversation with you about anything remotely significant.  And then you start sleeping with another woman's husband.  Surely you can see that this is not normal.

If you were to leave your boyfriend and your lover left his wife (and children? PLEASE tell me there are no children involved!)--even if he were to leave his family, the odds of it working are not good.  If he cheated and left his family (and I would hope it would be hard for a man to look into the sweet little faces of his children and walk out the door), what makes you think you'd be so special that he would remain loyal to you until he dies?  If he were that wonderful and emotionally connected, he would be emotionally connected to his wife and children.  If he really is wonderful, the pain he causes his family will be too much for him and he'll go back.  If he can do this without looking back, he's not worth having.  He obviously doesn't revere marriage--doesn't take promises or vows seriously.  (And don't try to tell yourself you have something special or it's different or whatever.)

Get your own apartment, find a new job, change your cell phone number, and get therapy.