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5879479 tn?1376410644
how can i forgive my cheating husband?
My husband cheated on me for a year when she called and told me they where seeing each other. Since that day I've been depressed and trying to work on my marriage. It's been two years and I just can't forgive him still and  every time he gets a call or text I think he is cheating on me again. I love him so much and hate him at the same time. All I want to do is leave him and start my life over again without him but I'm scared and so confused even when he promises to never cheat on me again. I've been to therapist (which they put me on anti depression pills) now I've gained 40 pounds and more depressed than ever.  Cause now I'm fatter and more concerned he'll cheat on me even more now. So I went off the pills and started working out again taking my frustrations out on exercising but, I still  just can't get over this affair ,ALL THE LIES. How do you trust someone that had sex with someone and then come home and crawl back into my bed??I'm old fashion and believe in being faithful to the man I'm with. I have even though of just ending my life but I don't believe in suicide and just a big chicken to hurt myself over a man. Should I cheat on him to make things even? would it make me feel better ? I cry everyday over this and I know this is not health for me what do I do??
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4190741 tn?1370181432
Your marital situation is very common, most partners when faced with infidelity suffer the same way you are suffering.  

You say that you did seek therapy and that you gained 40 pounds on the medication but don't say if you and your therapist tried adjusting the medication or if you are still in therapy.  

The racing thoughts and continual thinking about the indescretion have me thinking that you would benefit from continued therapy.  

Wishing you the very best

M
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547913 tn?1317359267
"An "eye, for an eye, would make the whole world blind." And you are so much better than that. Forgiveness is a Virtue of the Strong and Courageous. Your husband does have to earn your Trust back i agree be cautious and forgiving at the same time and Save Your Marriage don't let his weakness separate your Love for him.

                                                     Prayers, Blessings, Love and light. . .
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I know exactly what you are going through.
I found out my husband had been cheating on me for 3 years.  His affair started when our twins were 4 months old.
I don't have any answers, we tried for 9 months.  He never did earn my trust back.  I caught him in another lie and that was it.  We are divorcing.  
Do the two of you go to counseling?  Marriage therapy is absolutely necessary.  Is he an open book, can you read his text msgs and emails?  If the answer is no to either one of these questions, I see no hope.  
Cheating on him would never help you whatsoever, and I know that you know that already.
I wish you the best, and am so sorry for your pain.
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3110545 tn?1343312248
you have to make a decision you either forgive him and live the rest of your life with him and you build a relationship based on trust or you leave him and start all over but this thing you're doing is sucking the energy out of you ... you might be handling this in a good manner but this is a downhill path from here on ... be brave be smart make a decision and stick to it and forget about the past
good luck
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5879479 tn?1376410644
Thanks for your reply it means a lot to me to hear from someone other than family. I know there tired of hearing about this matter. My therapist had to quit her job and I really miss talking to her. It was like losing my best friend. The medication they gave me worked for awhile then I had a bad reaction to it so, they put me on two other pills that left me so stoned and tired. I'm a very strong minded person well use to be till this affair broke me down. I don't like be out of control and prefer to talk to someone about this get it out of my head. Your right I do need to get back into therapy again but the cost is high too so, I'm turning to complete strangers to help me out sometimes it's better to hear from someone you don't know.
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5879479 tn?1376410644
thanks for your advice and I'm sorry that your marriage isn't working either. We have been together for 12 years and married for 5 of those years. What makes being a faithful wife cooking, cleaning, and always supporting him in everything he does make him cheat on you? I have three kids from my last marriage and the kids love him a lot. It seems that there in this marriage as much as I am. There older kids now on there own and hate what he did to me. I feel like I'm about to lose my mind at times and just want to run away from everyone. Tired of taking care of everyone and there problems too. I don't even know who I am anymore ,feels like I'm just going through the motions. At the time of the affair I just didn't feel like having sex as much as we use to and I guess that's when he started cheating on me. I just need to talk to someone that can't judge me for wanting to leave him.
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5879479 tn?1376410644
thanks for the advice and yes I'm doing everything that I can to try and work through this. Yes, it's draining me each and everyday I have asked him why? he cheated and all he can say is I don't know why I did it. what kind of answer is this. How can I make my marriage work if he can't be honest as to why he cheated on me. Was it the thrill of getting away with it?tired of having sex with the same person ? I felt the same way but stayed faithful regardless. This is so confusing I do want to stay with him how do you get day by day and not think of this?
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5879479 tn?1376410644
Thanks for the good advice and no I'm not the kind of person who likes to get back at someone because they did me wrong. Don't like to sink to there level, I'm a good person at least try to be. This however, will always run through my head. I know we are only human and make mistakes in life and hopefully learn from them. I pray everyday that I just don't walk out that door and never look back. Twelve years is a long time to be in a relationship to just throw it away. But I feel empty right now and trying to get brave enough to never look back and start my life over again and be selfish and worry about me. Heck just typing this down to you already brings joy to my heart. thanks again you made a difference in my life already.
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4190741 tn?1370181432
I do know what you are talking about in your postings...

If I tell you a secret, can you at least think about it for a bit.

The secret is that it is not your fault that your husband is a cheater.

There is no diet, no type of clothing, no special recipes to spice up
a sex life that will make your man faithful or committed to your life
together.

What does make many cheating men happy is when we take on 100 percent of the problem and try to fix it from a lower self esteem place inside ourselves.  We as women then work so hard on fixing ourselves that the man is released from any of the consequences of his actions and continues over and over as a serial cheater.

From a romantic point of view, and I am talking movies and novels that we watch and try to learn from, one day the man wakes up and says to self, " WHOA, I gotta stop cheating."  Sadly, infidelity that we find out about is only the tip of the iceberg with the cheating man.  There are many many issues that make a man use sex to bolster his own low self esteem.

I know you said that you prefer to work on this yourself and that the cost of the therapy is much too high.  Have you figured out the cost of heartbreak, stress, illness from the stress and a possible divorce down the road.

I do wish you the very best.  Thank you for trusting us with your question.

M
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480448 tn?1426952138
Amazing reply from MYoung!!

I couldn't add to that if I tried!

Wishing you the best in the future, please be sure to continue therapy and continue working on your self estee, and sense of self value.

Take care!
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3110545 tn?1343312248
you asked an important question : why ? well it's really not necessary to have a why ... sometimes you do something for no reason you just do it and then you feel so bad that you hide it ...
you just have to decide which is bigger this fight or the love you have for each other ... i'm not saying you should forgive and forget and like nothing happened no that would be so wrong ... you should make an effort but he has to make an effort too he has to earn your trust and you have to explain that to him and be as clear as you can
i think he loves you ... he messed up but he loves you :)
gd luck :)
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5879479 tn?1376410644
Thanks for the advice and after what you said about therapy yes your right my sanity is much more important than he is. Somewhere down the road I lost my self in this man. I can't believe the change in me since I met him. I have found free therapy here well at least counseling which is a start again. Really going to work on this marriage and if this doesn't work then I really think it's best to just move on. But how do you get this image of them being together out of your head??The worst of it all I ran into his mistress working a place I like to eat at. And she was so smug about it smiling at me like Yes I slept with your husband . It took every strength in me to keep from running over and chocking her. But, I have to remember that I'm a lady and she's the tramp. Again Thanks I really feel better about talking to someone I don't know it's easier than putt
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5879479 tn?1376410644
sorry pushed the wrong button...putting this stress on my kids all the time they have heard enough. don't want to make them depressed to they have there own life to live.
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5879479 tn?1376410644
thanks for answer as to Why? I'm feeling a lot stronger talking about this to strangers. I feel like I'm raising another child at times lol Wish love wasn't so hard to find. Maybe it's me and the type of man I'm looking for is all wrong. I'm far from perfect I'm just a hopeful romantic living in a fantasy world thinking love comes easy. It's a job in it's self
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How do i begin , i am depressed and have been now for 3 yrs since i found out my husband had cheated on me since the beginning of our marriage . We have been married for 38 yrs . I finally confronted him when i started seeing signs of e-mails back and forth to a co-worker of his . Told him to stop , he answered it's just jokes , i work with a lot of women get , over it . Well that was my last straw . I told him i knew about his affair with a co-worker from years ago when i was pregnant with our 4th child . I never caught him , but all the signs were there . I told him i wanted a divorce . That really got his attention . Went to therapy , some by myself other times with him . He didn't like her because she wasn't telling him what he wanted to hear . Swore that was the only affair he had . I  told the therapist i am waiting for the other shoe to drop . And it finally did . Did some checking and spoke to some women i had some suppositions about and the truth came out . He started his cheating the same year we were married , and it just continued . Here i thought we had a fantastic marriage , we hardly ever fought , went on long weekends with out the kids . Our family , friends and neighbors would always commented on what a wonderful marriage we had . And it all was a lie ! We had good times , but i am always thinking , were they really good ? Or was he just a good liar and still is ?
Yes , he has asked for forgiveness , doesn't hid his paychecks anymore , calls when he is going to be late . Doing everything to act like it is a normal marriage . Do I love him ,yes and no . Some days and weeks and months i am ok . Other times i think " why am i still here ? " Was he ever in love with me ? Or was i just a connivence to put on a show to family and friends ? Of course he says no . Up to a year ago i still caught him in lies about women from his past . He says it has been over since 1995 . He hasn't cheated on me since  . And i will never know . I am on a roller coater . Told him the only reason he hasn't cheated anymore is because he is old , fat and bald ! ( we are both 60 ) . I am not being conceited , because i am not like that and have always been told i look so young , people think my grandchildren are mine . I am a nice looking women and have never let myself go . So i know the cheating wasn't because i am fat or ugly .
How do all the other women out there get over it ? How do you stop making it pop in your head night and day ? Can't talk to him , because all i get is the same answer , " get over it , it was a long time ago . Lets move on . I want to but i have such heart ache over this ! I am on anti-depepressants , still . Tried going off and started getting worse , so i went back on . When i try and tell him my feelings I get " it's because our son-in-law died , its because your Aunt died , get off your depressants , it's because of that ! " It's alway me , never him .
How have you other women handled this ? I am tired of crying by myself .
Kath
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My story matches yours almost perfectly except for the outcome. My husband also cheated from the beginning of the marriage and can't really explain why. But I know it's simply because "he could" . He traveled a lot so had opportunities. That combined with poor impulse control, lack of empathy, and faulty moral reasoning is what caused him to cheat. I think it's also because he is unable to love - both give it and receive it which is most iikely rooted in some childhood issue with his mother (came to find out that he cheated on all his previous girlfriends too). We went through false reconciliation (fake on his part) 6 years ago...promises not to do it again, begging to stay, etc. But now he recently left with a woman...never looks back. No remorse. Your husband also has no remorse if he expects you to just get over it easily. He is a fraud and as painful as leaving would be (I was there). it is the best thing to do in the long run.You can never trust him and have genuine intimacy (weird looking back since it seemed that intimacy was missing somehow...fake behavior - an empty shell. These people are disordered in some way and they look at relationships as adversarial and not from a place of love. Look up the blog called Chumplady.com...I feel that the only real solution is to leave. It's not easy but rely on friends and famiily (minus him of course) to proi
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Dear ISOamyl
    If you have any meditation technic please use daily .Or If you can follow OSO Dynamic meditation is also can treat you .
If you can  the art of living cource happiness programme also good
and also you can daily follow zumba dance theraphy .

Which you can trust please use .

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My situation is so much like yours! "I love him so much and hate him at the same time.” is what I even told him a few days back. We have been married for 6 years now, and he was cheating on me about 2 years back. i still can’t get over it! I try to be normal, but it keeps haunting me again and again. I have become so paranoid that I don’t trust him talking to ANY girl! its insane! Worst part is that he is a rich and famous person in the city I live in, all therapists would even know him! I don’t feel comfortable going to one who wouldn't keep this as a secret! It’s probably time for us to start a family, and I am trying for it.. but sometimes it scares the hell out of me.. what if it gets worse later! I need help.. and I don’t know what to do!!
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There's something I feel the need to add.  Cheating is an addiction- they receive dopamine in their brains much like if they were taking a drug.  

There is a free 12 step counseling resource for family and friends called S-ANON- http://www.sanon.org

To me- sex workers, mistresses, the other man/woman- might as well be drug dealers.  Ironically, as a feminist, I fought for societal acceptance and empowerment of these workers.  But now I understand how distressing and destructive it truly is- something previous generations knew immediately.

Before I thought all the blame was on the cheater (& don't get me wrong- the cheater is most likely an adult so I do hold them accountable)- but I hold the adult industry & cheating partners accountable too. They prey on vulnerable folks who need that dopamine.  I would never do something where my gain is off of someone else's pain.  To be an addict is to have pain.  The problem is they cause their family and friends  great pain too- emotionally, mentally and sometimes physically (after all- not only are there side effects from medications that might need to be taken- but there are diseases that come with the territory).  On a petty note- that woman called you and smiled smugly because she was threatened.  Next time she smiles smugly stick out your tongue and blow a raspberry- it'll completely freak her out and you'll be amazed at how great it feels- lol.  But I digress.

The cheaters brains are wired- theoretically from some harmful childhood event- who knows.  All I know is lie to me once shame on you lie to me twice shame on me.  Remember- lying is a form of abuse.  Find your deal breaker and stick to it.  Sometimes deal breakers need time limits (e.g.- I need to be told the truth from now going forward.  Or tell me the truth about the past 6 months and everything must be transparent and honest moving forward).  Or we can have an open relationship as long as you do x, y & z.

Whatever you do- be true to yourself.  Identify your bottom line and stick to it.  The alternative may be just as difficult and scary- but there are people behind you.  I wish you the best of luck and everyone on this chain.  You are all beautiful people who didn't deserve this.  Take care of yourselves and et the rest fall in line.
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Hi I'm 36 yrs 2 yrs ago I was pregnant and I had a miscarraidge after a5 months I was pregnant again ,I was so happy the same day I put a voice recorder in my husbands car and I caught him cheating on me ,all the 9 months crying wishing to die,trying to suicide but in the same time I can't harm my baby,I gain a lot of waight I feel sad he always shouting with me and I still love him,the best think that worked is when I cooked for him I always spits in his food and when in see him eating I feel much better,I can't do nothing I love him ,cant stay with south him its the only way I keep on living but one day I try to start diet and excercizing and when I will loose weight I will cheat on him that's the only medicine that I will start living again
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