how can i get my man to see his kids are out of control

[MyLife0007]

Ok so I love my boyfriend and his kids. He has to boys... sweet when they wanna be. So we get his kids every weekend,but we have had them for over 2 weeks. That's not the problem either. I have a child also. As we all know kids fight and argue cool that's not the problem. The problem is when they're being bad he just yells at them. He tries to talk to them as a parent should. Their comes a time when a child needs a spanking though. He's so rough on the oldest boy but when it comes to the the little one he doesn't really say much, I tried to explain to him that their doing the same thing. You can't be hard on one but not the other. Thats for One, for two when I say sometimes a child needs more then sitting down and talking to. I come from a big family. My mother played no games. She'll yell,she'll talk but when she has to keep repeating herself over the same things that's when we got our spanking. Ok let me give you some examlpes of the reason I feel how I feel. They play all day like kids do. When it's time to clean I gotta hear this loud cry that goes through me. Then my child is stuck cleaning by herself. It's not right. They spit, they talk back to any grown person. They take their thing out and pee on my floor. One of them gets mad and break my things or my child things.  He'll yell and say he's gonna spank them but don't. They need a spanking for the things they do. The young one has no home training. He throws food behind the beds and couches. I tried to explain to him that if he don't want it throw it out. I need help I fear we will split because of his childrens behavior

[specialmom]

MyLife,  I think you are making a very wise choice.  in the long run, having a peaceful home for your daughter is really key to not only her happiness now but also in the future.  This life she has now sets patterns up for her.  You are showing her that you leave unhappy situations.  You show her that you hold men up to high standards (this guy is a rotten parent it appears).  You build her internal confidence that her mom (you) love her above all else and will sacrifice for her.  

I agree that the kids of your soon to be ex boyfriend have had some type of abuse in their life and suggesting therapy/counseling would be good to do when you break this off.  I feel bad for these children of this man.  I really do.

Lots of luck dear

[Nighthawk61]

Have you talked to your man about getting the kids in to see a child psychologist? re: fires/ urinating ? this is way out of line in anyone's books.

[MyLife0007]

Thank you everyone TTinKKerBBell ,  Londres70 , specialmom , RockRose, for the advise. I'm gonna let this go, because I hate waking up with all this animosity. I' ll take my daughters happiness any day over mine. But if she ain't happy neither am I. I haven't set down and talked to her about the situation, but I think she will be happier with her own space again. I see everyone is against spanking. I don't spank my daughter often, because it hurts me to Know that I hurt her, but I also will spank her when she is out of line. Which that takes a lot. I just want better for my daughter. She will be somebody. She will grow up with respect for others. I can applie it, hopefully she uses it as she grows. Thank you all for your advise again. I really needed it.

[TTinKKerBBell]

I don't think You should stay in this relationship.

This is so unfair to all 3 of these Children.  You are not going to change His Parenting Style any more than He is going to change Yours.  

I agree these Boys sare "out of control" but on the other hand, I don't agree that spanking is(ever) the answer.

Discipline is not "punishment",  but rather teaching and learning.  The word 'discipline' comes from the word Disciple.  The definintion of Desciple is:  teacher or leader (not hitter).
just my opinion.

I think You should remove Your Daughter from this scenario and I think it might behoove Her (and You) to rethink the "spanking" issue.
Regards

[Londres70]

This will NEVER change unless your bf parents in a different manner.

This isn't the children per se, but the parenting style of your bf.

Stay if you don't mind the extreme dysfunction.

[specialmom]

Hi, well.  I do admire that you've tried to do the right thing by your daughter and raise her well.  I'm sure one of the things you'd like for her is a safe, peaceful, happy home.  Sweetie, this is hard----------  but this situation will most likely not work and in fact is bad for your daughter.  It's going to take eons for it to get better and it most likely never will.  The dad doesn't really care about his kids actions, has put up with it, and has contributed to it.  Yes, he has sweetie because he has condoned it and not been concerned about it himself.  That is a character flaw in HIM!  

These kids, I'm almost sure of it, have abused or neglected.  That is very very sad.  It is not their fault.  

But you also do not need to expose your own beloved daughter to this dysfunction.

It would be better for you to live on your own than in this situation for your daughter's sake.  Those are hard words to hear, I'm sure.  But it is as true as I get.  

good luck

[MyLife0007]

Once again you are right, well from what I see. No abuse I don't know about their mother, but their father never hits them. At the end of the day they're not my kids. I can say but so much to them. Without making the kids or him feel some kids of way. But I don't wanna walk on egg shells in my own home either. I just don't know, I was raised with respect. Yes ma'am,no ma'am yes sir, no sir. Not to be in grown people face. Please and thank you. Etc. So you see my only concern is I don't want my child to think that, that behavior is ok. I sit her down and explain to her that. She can't do what she see others do. She has been lying to me, and I don't wanna spank her. We talk but ahe continus to lies. Her behavior is really getting bad since they been here. Not to make it seem like she ia an angel but I teacher her right from wrong. Everybody makes mistakes

[RockRose]

I never spanked either.  In my experience,  when kids who have been spanked get outside of adult supervision,  they misbehave and become very sneaky.  There was a great study done about 20 years ago - with kids who were about 6.  They were asked "why shouldn't we steal",  "why shouldn't we lie",  etc.  The kids who had been spanked frequently said because you'll get spanked.  The kids who hadn't been spanked said things like "because that doesn't belong to you",  "because if you lie you won't be trusted".  Um Hm.  

I agree with SM that these behaviors these boys are engaging in aren't the behaviors typical of kids who are given too much freedom and no discipline.  Those kind of kids often develop slovenly behavior,  don't eat with good manners,  don't put their clothes in the hamper,  etc.  

The behavior of peeing on things (especially for the 7 year old) and starting fires is disturbed,  not behaviors that stem from lack of punishment.  

In fact,  these are often the behaviors of children who have been over-punished or cruelly ignored.

I wouldn't say you and he are a match.

[specialmom]

Okay, well thanks for additional information.  There are a few things going on here.  Some is normal, some is not.  It is really hard if they can eat wherever at their mom's and their dad's never had a problem with it and still doesn't for it to feel like a rule to them to not eat outside the kitchen or dining room.  It's normal for kids to run out into the street occasionally but obviously not to set a fire.  Pulling out a penis may happen and is kind of normal for young boys from time to time (I mean, how many men do you know that adjust themselves wherever they are at . . .  gross but you see it from time to time out in public).  However, peeing on things is absolutely not normal nor is trying to 'flash'.  

But what you would have to understand is it is not the kids fault.  Nope.  It is the parents that have not set boundaries or addressed things. Sure, we can blame their mom but . . .  YOUR boyfriend is equally to blame.  And hence, your problem----  he's never felt like these things were a big deal obviously.  Major disconnect on his part and frankly . . .  if I may be blunt . . .   he doesn't sound like the greatest catch in a man based on his standards for his kids.  No, he now can't be all crazy with rules but he could ease them into more socially acceptable behavior.  I say he can't now be all crazy with rules because HE's been in their life and this is how it has been.  In all honesty, that in and of itself would make me run far away from him.  That would really worry me.

I am also going to say that starting fires and peeing on toys are both signs of emotional distress.  have these kids been neglected or abused??  That might be hard to answer here and you don't have to but it sounds like something is going on like that.

Spanking is a parent's choice.  I've never needed to nor wanted to.  But a parent has that right.  

good luck

[MyLife0007]

Thank you so much I agree with everything you had to say. I love him and I care for his kids also. I see that talking to him and the children isn't working. I do believe a child does need a spanking when necessary. Not just to be spanking on them. For example if your child starts a fire, which I forgot to mention, or run in the road or anything that is harmful towards them and others. Yes a spanking need to happen so it is won't happen again. I wouldn't just yell I will spank my child and explain to my child why they need a spanking. I don't hit my child unless she needs it.  I agree with time out, I even make my child face the corner. I appreciate ur help also. And I hope things get better also. I just don't like the fact that my child thinks it's ok to do the things they do.  I know everybody raises their children different, but certain situations and habits need to be addressed when in someone else house hold. Example I don't allow eatting in anywhere but the kitchen or dining room. He allows them to eat where ever. It's alot only because my child picks up on their behavior. My child is 7..... his children are 7 and 4.... I have a girl he has 2 boys. I don't like that they pull their penis out infront of her and pee on the floor or toys. It's disgusting

[specialmom]

Hi, well.  I'm not a spanker.  I personally found it counterproductive with my sons.  Hard to say "don't hit each other' and then hit them.  So, instead, I took a philosophy that I as the parent deserve respect.  I provide all things positive in their life and I can certainly take that away.  Favorite toys, games, activities (yes, sorry son . . .   you can't go to baseball tonight for how you treated me), play dates, etc.  This has worked great for me.  My boys do show me respect because they get the correlation between the positives in their life and that it is because of my husband and I.  And if they make a choice that is not acceptable, there are consequences.  The consequences aren't  physical in nature but sting just as bad.  

The problem is, these are his kids.  He as the parent has to figure this all out.  You've talked to him already. Not much you can do beyond that.  I would think long and hard about this relationship having issues lasting long term.  If you've tried to work 'behind the scenes' to help your boyfriend with proper discipline (and again, I totally disagree with spanking myself)--  and he is not buying it, that is just the beginning of conflict between you and he over his kids.  

Now, often kids that have parents in two separate households get a lot of mixed signals of parenting.  Sometimes too, they are distressed by the separation of their parents and act out.  

My recommendation if you stay with this man is to look at yourself as a loving guidance counselor.  In front of them, you are a friendly person that helps them improve their social skills, home skills, etc.  But I too fear that you two will ultimately split due to not just the behavior of his kids but the lack of agreement on parenting in general.  

good luck