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i cheated on husband, scared to confess, dont know if to confess or no...
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i cheated on husband, scared to confess, dont know if to confess or not.

I have been married for 5 years and been together for 8 years. Things have always been up and down ans firat he was so sweet to me and with time he changed, with time ive felt like he doesnt reallt give me much attention, we are a good team we work hard enjoy eachothers company, is just that he is so cold at times , there is times he is ok and then he is not, he is not the firgiving type, he doesnt belive in second chances or theraphy.

I cheated on my husband a month ago , we had sex one time, to say i dont even remember what the sex felt like , i did not enjoy it at all , i regret what i did, it has been the biggest mistake ive ever made, i regret it abd i know forsure that is something that i would never do again and that is true, i'm scared to confess because i kbow i would lose him and i dont want to lose him i love him and im asshamed abd feel guilty for what i did, i dont want my marriage to end over my stupid mistake we are all human and make mistakes, i see my mistake and i have learned from it and like i said i wont do it again, the person i did it with will never tell so there is no way he would ever find out, only if i tell him and is what i ak trying to figure out, please i need help i need advice, confess or not?
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3149845_tn?1415046551
As a person matures their role in life changes. Through the years we have acquired most of what we need both physical, spiritual and emotional. We have our mate, our home and all the other things to live and get comfortable.

In our marriage, there is a constant giving of oneself, constant sacrificing and compromising our individuality. We do this for love of another and also to grow old with the person and share all life till the good Lord calls us home.
This constant giving has moments of wanting our individually back and we are tempted, as with affairs, gambling, drugs and the list goes on.
Sometimes we fall and have deep regret but always remember that we are human and can only try and learn from our weakness. We all do it, all have sinned.
I would put this behind you and focus on your creative side. This obviously has had a great inpact on you and has opened up a new part in your thinking ability.
Take this new awareness and turn it into a positive. Try writing poetry, a book, some song lyrics and possibility turning it into a financial gain.
Maybe invent a product.

There are much bigger events going on than the things we get ourselves into.
I wrote the below called "being a better person"
"Just looking up into space and realizing
  there are Stars, Black Hoes and Vastness,
  also our Galaxy and even the Universe.
  They say when we get to the edge of the
  Universe our comprehension stops as the
  concept of Infinity bangs heads with Self.
  
  Whats up there dosent have to try. it just is.
  We are no different but have been taught
   otherwise."



25 Comments Post a Comment
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134578_tn?1404951303
I'm a funny person to say this because I believe in transparency, but no, don't tell him.  If you do not intend ever to be unfaithful to him again, stay silent and work it out with a therapist if you need to.  Sometimes the compulsion to confess is more the urge just not have to carry the secret any more, because it is harder to carry the secret than it is to blurt it all out and take your lumps.  But if you value the relationship, take on the burden of silence in that regard as part of the agreement you have made in your heart to carry your end and to carry your weight.  (Even the weight of a guilty conscience.)

When you talk to the therapist, also speak to him or her about the coldness your husband sometimes displays, and the impulse and needs that took you to the extreme of infidelity.  Even if you do let this secret be buried with you, the needs that took you there are still present in your marriage.  It will be a good thing to know what to do about them, or they might blindside you in some other way at some other time.

Take care, sweetheart.  
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank. You, yeah i do love my hubby, i inow it will never happen again, if why day we dont work out i rather have it end because we both see that we dont belong together then end because of a mistake. Ive been through alot growing up always felt lonely, i want my hubby to change i want him to be sweet to me and romantic, i always tell him but he doesnt listen. All i know is i want to save my marriage i dont want to lose him
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Avatar_f_tn
I also ask not to be judge because no one is perfect we all make mistakes. Im an imperfect person loved by a perfect god!
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134578_tn?1404951303
Yes, you made a mistake, but please own it.  It wasn't just a mistake, it was a choice that came from your free will.  Saying it's a mistake doesn't erase what happened.  That is why your intentions from this point forward matter so much.  Though I don't think "doing the right thing" in this circumstance means you absolutely must confess to your husband, I do think doing the right thing in this circumstance mandates you figure out why you did it and deal with the pressures that nudged you into doing it, so the lack of confession to him will have meaning.  Fix the root problem (if you can), if you are going to take a bye on dealing with the symptom.
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi annie, the guilt is killing me, this was something i never thought i would do and did it, wish i could go back in time and erase what i did but i cant, my heart tells me to tell him the trust, but thinking of the pain it will cause him holds me back, ive been trying to figure out why i did it, things that i thought he was always busy with work, he would not even text much to say hi, at times when i would talk to him he would not even make eye contact, the times i tried telling him how i feel, he would just say idk what you are talking about we are ok he never listened to what i had to say abd when he did he would say ok i will and he would for a week abd theb chabge again. This cituation is driving me crazy and idk what to do, god help me
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Avatar_f_tn
I own my mistake trust me i look at my self in the mirrow and ask my self abd tell myself why did you do, why did you fall into temptation, i cry loud ij my car because i just dont know what to do!
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973741_tn?1342346373
I'm going to go ahead and agree with anniebrooke that you should hold this secret inside until your dying day and live each day knowing how close you were to losing it all.  For the rest of your life, you can make this up to your husband by being faithful, working on the problems, and owning your contribution to them.

I would suggest that you begin seeing a therapist as soon as possible by yourself to discuss what led you down the path of such a bad decision.  I'm sure you are a woman that wants to live with integrity and respect for yourself.  So, you became weak and did this which is in contradiction to that.  You need to really explore that.  This need for attention that you have that would allow you to sell out your own morals is something to address.  Could you be slightly depressed?

Know that something like you describe with this quick cheating and then deep regret means that often the cheating was a band aid for other problems you and the relationship have.  You really need to explore that aspect to it so that you don't weaken again.  

And if you feel that it would help improve your marriage dynamic, certainly, go to a seperate therapist as a couple to try to get on the same page again.  good luck
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you for your feedback , yes it amazes me to on how quickly i have in. Yes i think i am depressed i cant eat im sad , by doing what i did i hurt myself so much, ive always had low self esteem, i grew up with divorced parents. , lived with my dad and step mom since i was six i am 27 now , my dad sexually abused me growing up, and my step mom would put me down all the time which my me feel less .... What i did to my husband is horrible abd has opened my eyes , i love him and care about him so much i dont wabt to hurt him, and dont want to lose him, i know for a fact that i woukd never do that again i have too much to lose, if my hubby ever cheated on me i would not want to i know and if he would tell me i woukd forgive him because i know we can get throught anything, but he is not the forgiving type.
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Avatar_f_tn
I am also going to look for help , i never got help for anything that has ever happened to me abd with what i did now i think all my emotions about everything came back, i want to smile again and be goofy abd funny how i use to be. I hope one day become a mom, i had ti terminate my pregnabcy two years ago due to the baby having no heartbeat also that made me depressed too he wasnt very supportive the night i lost the baby, he was in bed and me in the bathroom only when the time for the baby to come out he came because i was crying so hard he held me it was a very sad momment, i dont want anymore pain, and i dont want to give him pain
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973741_tn?1342346373
Sweetie, find a therapist.  Go and talk about what is going on inside of you.  I wish you peace and luck dear
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Avatar_f_tn
Thank you, peace is what i want, i pray and ask god to give mw peace
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3149845_tn?1415046551
Hi God, im with them. You made a mistake and best to keep it to yourself. It wont help or solve anything if he knows.
If you had unprotected sex, you might consider some STD testings before your intimate with him again.
you be ok.
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Avatar_f_tn
I did use protection,it  was a one time and tust me i did not even enjoy it, i have fallen into depression, but i have to get through this, i want to be happy
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Avatar_f_tn
Life, as a man would you rather not know, or why you think i should not say. Ive been a good wife to him, sypported him in everything, so has ge , the past two years some how we have lost the spark its been ok then we are distant, i pray for happines i pray for myself to overcome this big  lesson. In my life, this has changed me and has made me see everything differently i want to be a better person, i better wife and learn how to forgive abd love myself
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3149845_tn?1415046551
Hi God, men dont want to know these things and most likley would never forgive you. Keep in mind there is a double standard as in some ways its more accepted if the man cheats but with the women it is a big no no. That being said, men are always being tempted to cheat, so in their minds cheating does exist. Just keep it to your self and maybe talk to the spiritual leader of your choice about your quilt.
In some ways he is at fault also
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3149845_tn?1415046551
One thing about telling him. does he know this man and can he find out from a third party in the future?
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Avatar_f_tn
The person that it happened with i know from jr high, umm my hubby knows he is my friend but theve never me, i dont really see my friends. That person  prmised me he would never say anything because he woukd not want me to be more hurt, he has na gf they are on and off he also felt ignored. So no he wont tell him or anyone , he is a army veteran he gave me a solduers promise. I hope with time i can feel better, i really want to give my marriage another shot i really want both of us to try, abd if one day it ends i dont want it to end because of this if it ends ine day let it end because we both know we tried but it didnt work
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Avatar_f_tn
I also cut contact with this person 100%, i told this person we cant talk anymore because i really want to fix my marriage, and he respected that
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Avatar_f_tn
I agree with most of the above posters. Do not tell your husband. Forgive yourself and forget about it because you can't go back and changed what happened. Get in to therapy to help yourself.
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Avatar_f_tn
Thanks for the feedback, abd yes ive come to the conclusion that i will not tell, but i am going to get help for myself, ive been through alot in life and never got help, maybe this is gods way of telling me to seek help sometimes we have to fall in order to get back up and be stronger abd change, i forsure wint cheat again, i hope he changes too, i have faith in god and i know  he will help me.
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3149845_tn?1415046551
As a person matures their role in life changes. Through the years we have acquired most of what we need both physical, spiritual and emotional. We have our mate, our home and all the other things to live and get comfortable.

In our marriage, there is a constant giving of oneself, constant sacrificing and compromising our individuality. We do this for love of another and also to grow old with the person and share all life till the good Lord calls us home.
This constant giving has moments of wanting our individually back and we are tempted, as with affairs, gambling, drugs and the list goes on.
Sometimes we fall and have deep regret but always remember that we are human and can only try and learn from our weakness. We all do it, all have sinned.
I would put this behind you and focus on your creative side. This obviously has had a great inpact on you and has opened up a new part in your thinking ability.
Take this new awareness and turn it into a positive. Try writing poetry, a book, some song lyrics and possibility turning it into a financial gain.
Maybe invent a product.

There are much bigger events going on than the things we get ourselves into.
I wrote the below called "being a better person"
"Just looking up into space and realizing
  there are Stars, Black Hoes and Vastness,
  also our Galaxy and even the Universe.
  They say when we get to the edge of the
  Universe our comprehension stops as the
  concept of Infinity bangs heads with Self.
  
  Whats up there dosent have to try. it just is.
  We are no different but have been taught
   otherwise."



Blank
Avatar_f_tn
I don't think You should "confess" either.  My feel is that NO ONE should EVER cheat No Matter What!! but if You will never do this again!! then, I think You should swallow Your guilt and spare Him the pain!!

I do think You should take responsibility for Your own CHOICES and Your
own bad BEHAVIORS.  It takes INTENT to lie, sneak, hide and too much preparation in order to call this a "mistake".  A "mistake" is when You do something You don't ALREADY know is wrong.  If it was a "mistake", You could come home and say to Your Husband, "Oh, Honey, I made a "mistake" today", and He would say "Oh, don't worry about it, Baby, try, try again, until You get it right".    
Every one has "stuff" in Their ChildHood but it is up to Us to take Responsibily for the Choices We make as Adults and to be Responsible for the kind of Adult We CHOOSE to be.
That being said, I'm sure therapy would be beneficial in addressing Your ChildHood Issues.  

(God doesn't have Us to cheat to learn that We shouldn't.  God gives Us free-will to make Choices and He hopes that We will make the right ones. He DOES forgive but We need to take responsibility for Our Choices.)

Good Luck
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Avatar_f_tn
Thanks for the feedback,and yes i doi take respinsibilty for what i did, i feel horrible and deserve to feel that way, i am human  not perfect abd i do see abd what i did, but i know i would  never do it again, if i did not feel bad i woukd be like other people who dont care a keep cheating but i couldnt do thar, i never thought i would cheat and i did ;( but i cant erase what i did ive learned from it, now all i can do is move on and be better, to him. I do see what i need to improve on and i also hope he changes too, i dont want to lose him he is my everything, i just dont want to feel like im being taken for granted, i ask the lord for peace and happines, and somehow let this go abd move on, i broke my own heart doing what i did, but i am a good person and have learned and will be better abd will not fall and do what i did again, i promised myself and the lord
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1145691_tn?1291481938
I have a slightly different perspective than the above posters.. I do agree that you should get into counseling to try and work on your feelings, and hopefully get help to bring your relationship back together.
My Hubby cheated on me (once) about 4 years ago.. I *knew* it in my heart, and by the way he was treating me. The guilt got to him, and he started acting out because of it. I searched around for evidence, and also bugged him about it. We would fight quite a bit, the relationship was so strained. The only reason I think we didn't break up, was because it happened a few weeks before I got pregnant.
Finally one day, about a year ago, I found an incriminating email that was in his "trash can" and confronted him about it. At that time, he admitted to what he'd done. Finally the elephant was out of the room, and we could begin healing. It was a really bumpy ride for quite awhile, but I did end up forgiving him, and our relationship has been so much better the last while, because *together* we have been working on the issues that caused him to cheat.
I'm not saying to go out and confess what you've done.. I do think it's a really good idea to go to a counselor yourself and try to work out your feelings on your own, and see if you can work on your relationship.. But if it got to the point where your treating him bad out of guilt, and he suspects somethings up, please don't drag him through he** second guessing his intuition. It nearly drove me crazy, searching for answers for so long. It sounds weird, but I'm glad that I found out. Hurt like heck, but I couldn't heal *knowing* he did what he did, with no confirmation.
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Avatar_f_tn
Thanks for your feedback,

No i dont treat him bad ive always gave him all tge attention, bacj massages foot massages , satisfied in everyway you can think, it just hurts to never get that affection on attention from that person, yes i am looking into counseling for myself.... like i said i'll never cheat again, i will see what i can do and learn how to make my marriage better so he and i can both be happy.
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