i don't know what to do anymore any advice would be greatly appreciated

[kimmy815]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years.  In the beginning it was so great, we were truly wonderful together.  He was my best friend.  He loved being with me, we hung out all the time, and we made love all of the time.  He talked about having a child, and getting married.  About a year after we were together I become pregnant and we had a beautiful baby girl.  We moved in together and everything was fine.  2 and half years into our relationship, he lost his job, and things were starting to get pretty rough. About 6 months after he lost his job, we moved in with my parents because we lost our house.  After we moved in with my parents, I found pictures in his phone of this girl he used to know exposing herself to him, text from him telling her she is beautiful and that he loved her.  I confronted him and he swore nothing happened between them and he doesn;'t love her.  He stills swears to this day that he never did anything physical with her.  I want to believe him so bad....,We have our own house now and things are back to normal, except he never tells me he loves me, he never hugs me for no reason, or kisses me besides when he is leaving for work or when I innitiate a kiss.  We only make love once or twice every week or so....  and when we do he just sticcks it in , he does try to make sure i get off... but thats about it... no kisses during sex... nothing I'm sorry if that is too much info...I know he isn 't talking to anyone because i check his phone records and he doesn't do anything but work and come home.  I've tried talking to him... i feel like i've lost my best friend...  i don't have very many friends because between our child and school i don't have time... i devote myself to our child and him...  we have not done one thing this whole entire summer together besides go out and drink...  not putt putt, or the movies, or anything... i've even asked him to just take our son and me fishing... that is free... but he hasn't even made the effort to do that...  i feel unloved....unwanted...  i don't even feel like he wants to be around me anymore... he thinks because we are in the same house that we are "together" but if i try to talk to him he tells me to be quiet because he is watching tv or if i try to touch him he tells me he is too hot... i love him soo much... but if it wasn't for my son i would have left already... i try to talk to but he says i'm nagging him... he hasn 't even mentioned marriage forever and the last time i said something he said he didn't want to get married... am i stupid?  i feel stupid... i feel not worthy and not good enough... he says mean things and goes off on me for stupid stuff llike forgetting ice or getting the wrong bologna.... i dont' know what to do anymore... i really don't... any advice would be deeply appreciated... thank you

[specialmom]

How would he feel if you opened up to him and said things to him the way you have in your last post?  It is hard not to respond to that---------  you want to be with him and to be happy together.  And working on being happy takes two people.  I think that if he also has a desire to reconnect------ then you will be able to be happy again.  So I would try to talk to him along those lines-----------  not "do this or you don't do that" but I want you to be happy and me to be happy and us to be a real couple.  Can we work on this?  Then it won't feel like he is in trouble but that you two are problem solving.  

I wish you luck and let us know how it goes.  

[kimmy815]

I actually have left him little notes quite a few times lately, because honestly, I do love him and I do want this to work.  I know I have my faults, but i never yell at him over stupid stuff and I try my hardest to get a long.  Yes I did smoke when we met.  He has always known that I smoke, I never tried to hide it from him.  However, I did try to quit for him I didn't want to quit though so it didn't work because I believe if/when someone does something they should do it for themselves.  I never smoke in the house or around our child.  Ever.  I actually have looked for a job, they are far and few between right now, and he also gets mad when i mention a job because he doesn't want me to work.  Which I appreciate, but when we get into a big argument he always brings it up.  Which is why I have searched for a job, I haven't had luck yet, but I am going to keep searching.  I do want to reconnect with him, I really honestly do.  I just want us both to be happyy again, happyy together.  The only thing I can get him to do with me is drink.... he will not even attempt 2 do anything else with me... which reallly hurts....  You give me hope by saying that you have many ppl come back together and be happier than ever... i want more than anything to work this out for our child, but also because i do love him

[specialmom]

Okay.  I'd forget about the picture and text for now.  That was a bit of time ago, correct?  So, I'd focus on your relationship instead.  It seems you've hit a patch in which he may be there more out of being committed to you and your child than he wants to be.  Now I say that . . . but it is actually a good thing.  Many men just walk when they hit that point and he is not doing that.  That means there is still hope.  

You can not force someone to be affectionate or sweet to you.  It usually happens when someone feels that way. So--------  what would move the relationship back into a romantic one and one in which both are trying to please the other?

How can you reconnect with him?  I'd really think about that question.  Maybe that means getting you parents to watch your little one and you two go out on a date doing something you always enjoyed together.  Maybe it is not saying to him "why don't you say you love me" but just writing him a note and putting it with his things he takes to work that says "I love you".  

Did you smoke while you were dating?  For some and especially after kids come on bourd that can be a problem.  Those that don't smoke often have a big problem with those who do.  Kind of a universal problem and I always told people in dating if they were a nonsmoker to not go out with a smoker.  But if you were all along and he is just now complaining about it------- well that just means he isn't wanting to overlook the things he does not enjoy about you any longer.  He should not yell about it ever.  Don't get me wrong--------- I'm not suggesting that his behavior torwards it is acceptable.  I'm just suggesting that some things may require some action on your part to stay close.

Would therapy be out of the question?  You could address proper communication.  Every relationship has conflict but it is how it is handled that will tell if a couple can stay together or not.  So you two need some communication techniques you can use to stay on the same page.

You have a child together----------  you shouldn't stay in an abusive relationship.  I do not think yelling sometimes is abusive though. He pays your bills, comes home to you (you saw pictures several months ago but no further evidence), is a good father, etc.  As I see there to still be hope-----------  and you have a son, I'd make a valient effort to work this out.  I really hope you can.  No one deserves to be miserable but once you have a child---------- it is important to try your very best to work it through.  And I've seen a lot of couples that seemed like they had no chance come back and be stronger than ever.  Some people are able to rekindle feelings.

One final note----------  I  know you are in school and caring for your child but you may need to start thinking about a job.  It may be somewhat financial in terms of his issues. And if you do end up leaving him------- you will have to work.  So consider what type of job you could do as well and make a plan for when you'll start to work on that.

good luck

[melielovesdwain]

dont let him put u down , it dont matter that u hve those issues, its sounds like u n ur son are better off without him.
His rude for making u feel the way u do n unfair of him to say nasty things.
Im sure ull feel better without him , he dont deserve u

[cheshchesh819]

a photo on his phone and a message saying he loves her,how heart breaking,my husband had an affair and i read texts on his phone so i know what doubts you must be feeling,it is your marriage and your choices but dont just stay because of your son that is not a reason to stay,try counsellng,you both need to talk about this and decide what it is you both really want.Just to let you know my marriage survived.

[teko]

I think a picture is worth a thousand words. Regardless of anythin he said or whatever defense he had at the time, the pics proved otherwise. You have problems sweetie. Now you need to decide if you want to fight for what you have or let it go. You will have to work hard and it is possible that its not enuff anyway so make a decision as to what you want. You have a child and this alone will help. Go back to doing the things that attracted him to you way back when, learn to go and do by yourself or with friends if he doesnt want to do anything. It sounds like you are in a rut and have the same issues of someone who has been married forever and have taken each other for granted. Counseling might be a plus as well or talking to others that have been where you are now for suggestions for a jump start so to speak.

[kimmy815]

i don't even know if space will help us anymore... everyday its something... he yells at me for smoking... he yells at me because i said something wrong... he yells at me for forgetting to get ice when i was in town.... e-v-e-r-y-d-a-y it is something... he tells me no other guy would evenn want me because i am sick... i have neck and back problems a long with fibromyalgia.... But even on my worst days i still make myself crawl out of bed and cook dinner take care of my child clean the house and go to school... i've tried to tell him that i feel unloved and unwanted that all i really want is his time, his attention, and he would rather hand me money... i don't know... He is a really great dad... and i want my son to have two parents who love him.... two parents who are together,... i've been praying for so long over this and i just have no clue how to wake him up and make him realize he is about to lose his family.... The good Lord know i have tried to talk to him about it.... i really have

[melielovesdwain]

It sounds like his cheating... when someone stops showing interest thats not good, maybe u should go on a holiday for a week with ur son and see how he is when u get back , give him space to think. Tell him that U FEEL UNLOVED ... when my x stoped showing interest i found out he was cheating i left , he was not worth my time or space . He dont deserve u.!