Aa
resentment within the family
Details: I'm 24, living in Los Angeles as a chef/musician. My family lives in rural Wyoming. My parents were divorced since I was 2 and I spent very little of my child life with my dad. He recently retired from a business he started, which gave him some modest wealth afterward.
I have a 26 year old stepsister who lives in another state, who recently had her 3rd child. The first was after she ran away from rehab to do drugs and run around with a wannabe-gangbanger 17 year old. They both ended up in jail and my father and stepmother were charged with the responsibility of raising her daughter. Despite attempts to get clean, they both continued using drugs and screwing up, ultimately ending with my stepsister having another baby, this one was given up for adoption, purely because of her state of living. Now it's been about 6 years since the first baby and my stepsister and her child of a boyfriend STILL can't get their heads out of their *****. The legal costs and rehab stints have crippled my father financially. This upsets me a great deal because he worked extremely hard for 30 years to provide for my biological sister and I, and now that he's retired, I want him to be happy and enjoy a relaxing post-retirement period. My times being around the two of them have been tense, as I hold a resentment for the baby-daddy. Being that I have been financially independent since I was 17, it infuriates me to see my dad being taken advantage of. This punk acts with complete entitlement and works for nothing, yet he still thinks he deserves to be treated like an adult. Most notably, my father helped him get set up to be a father (getting a driver's license, a job, an apartment, etc) and what did he do? He ran away without telling anyone and left my stepsister and parents to deal with the whole mess.
Well, flash forward to now. He knocked up my stepsister AGAIN. Only this time, he's still in rehab when she had the baby which was born 2.5 months premature. I am not a birthing expert or a doctor but I have a strong hunch that it had to do with her using drugs or being around drug use while she was pregnant. Meanwhile, everyone is congratulating them on their baby and giving accolades. My disliking for the entire situation makes me want to avoid contact with my stepsister and her bf completely, which means not being around my father. I feel cheated by these circumstances and cannot find a way to properly communicate such feelings to my dad, and since he's 62 and getting his nerves fried by all of this stress, I feel like adding "oh hey by the way Dad, I don't ever want to be in your home again because of my junkie step-sister and adolescent baby-daddy" would hurt him emotionally. Sometimes, I feel like shouting at all of them, "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU!? DON'T YOU GET IT!? THEY'RE JUST GOING TO KEEP ON REPRODUCING AND RELYING ON EVERYONE ELSE TO PICK UP THE SLACK! GET FIXED OR USE SOME F@$^ING BIRTH CONTROL!"
However, I know it won't be helpful in any way. But I refuse to compromise my opinions just to be polite. I was the same way in school. Kids in my class would get pregnant and everyone was so happy for them and I wanted to point out that our tax dollars are going to feed and clothe these kids because their parents are incapable of providing for them. Most would say I'm a cold, insensitive person but I'm just seeing the picture for what it really is!
What do I say to my dad? How can I explain that while I love him dearly, I despise the situation that was dumped on him by my irresponsible drug-addicted stepsister? Maybe there isn't a nice way...
I have a 26 year old stepsister who lives in another state, who recently had her 3rd child. The first was after she ran away from rehab to do drugs and run around with a wannabe-gangbanger 17 year old. They both ended up in jail and my father and stepmother were charged with the responsibility of raising her daughter. Despite attempts to get clean, they both continued using drugs and screwing up, ultimately ending with my stepsister having another baby, this one was given up for adoption, purely because of her state of living. Now it's been about 6 years since the first baby and my stepsister and her child of a boyfriend STILL can't get their heads out of their *****. The legal costs and rehab stints have crippled my father financially. This upsets me a great deal because he worked extremely hard for 30 years to provide for my biological sister and I, and now that he's retired, I want him to be happy and enjoy a relaxing post-retirement period. My times being around the two of them have been tense, as I hold a resentment for the baby-daddy. Being that I have been financially independent since I was 17, it infuriates me to see my dad being taken advantage of. This punk acts with complete entitlement and works for nothing, yet he still thinks he deserves to be treated like an adult. Most notably, my father helped him get set up to be a father (getting a driver's license, a job, an apartment, etc) and what did he do? He ran away without telling anyone and left my stepsister and parents to deal with the whole mess.
Well, flash forward to now. He knocked up my stepsister AGAIN. Only this time, he's still in rehab when she had the baby which was born 2.5 months premature. I am not a birthing expert or a doctor but I have a strong hunch that it had to do with her using drugs or being around drug use while she was pregnant. Meanwhile, everyone is congratulating them on their baby and giving accolades. My disliking for the entire situation makes me want to avoid contact with my stepsister and her bf completely, which means not being around my father. I feel cheated by these circumstances and cannot find a way to properly communicate such feelings to my dad, and since he's 62 and getting his nerves fried by all of this stress, I feel like adding "oh hey by the way Dad, I don't ever want to be in your home again because of my junkie step-sister and adolescent baby-daddy" would hurt him emotionally. Sometimes, I feel like shouting at all of them, "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU!? DON'T YOU GET IT!? THEY'RE JUST GOING TO KEEP ON REPRODUCING AND RELYING ON EVERYONE ELSE TO PICK UP THE SLACK! GET FIXED OR USE SOME F@$^ING BIRTH CONTROL!"
However, I know it won't be helpful in any way. But I refuse to compromise my opinions just to be polite. I was the same way in school. Kids in my class would get pregnant and everyone was so happy for them and I wanted to point out that our tax dollars are going to feed and clothe these kids because their parents are incapable of providing for them. Most would say I'm a cold, insensitive person but I'm just seeing the picture for what it really is!
What do I say to my dad? How can I explain that while I love him dearly, I despise the situation that was dumped on him by my irresponsible drug-addicted stepsister? Maybe there isn't a nice way...
tfrost, I always had a soft spot in my heart for the prodigal's faithful son. And that's who you are, the one who really didn't get and still don't get any attention although you are basically living a responsible, respectable life.
And here is the step sister. A screw up, a pain, an irresponsible parent, and she's the one getting doted on.
I don't think it makes you "childish" but for you to say that's not the dynamic - that in fact, you are thinking only of your father's best wishes, I think keeps you stuck in this anger and resentment phase of your step sister.
You were one of the good ones. And what do you get for that? Squat. What does she get? The feast with the fatted calf.
It's an age old story. We all get it. But now, move on and you'll be happier.
And here is the step sister. A screw up, a pain, an irresponsible parent, and she's the one getting doted on.
I don't think it makes you "childish" but for you to say that's not the dynamic - that in fact, you are thinking only of your father's best wishes, I think keeps you stuck in this anger and resentment phase of your step sister.
You were one of the good ones. And what do you get for that? Squat. What does she get? The feast with the fatted calf.
It's an age old story. We all get it. But now, move on and you'll be happier.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Sage words from londres. Negative feelings waste energy. good luck
I don't think anyone is trying to attack your character. We are merely responding to the tidbits of info about your life you have provided. We don't know you personally.....just giving opinions based on the info provided.
"I want my dad to be happy for once, not suffering in abject misery in throughout his golden years."....... I think most want this for their elders and you should want this for your father. No doubt about that.
I don't see a problem with not having anything to do with your stepsister; it's clear you want NO relationship with her, but your father has chosen to continue to have a relationship with his stepdaughter and you should respect his choice.....not saying you have to AGREE with his choice. I don't see a problem making it clear to your dad about your feelings.
Interesting how you use the word "resentment" in your post title as resentment is bitterness; negative emotions. The funny thing is that this "resentment" isn't going to really affect your stepsister, but you. You will pay the price for this resentment.
"Resentment is an emotionally debilitating condition that, when unresolved, can have a variety of negative results on the person experiencing it, including touchiness or edginess when thinking of the person resented, denial of anger or hatred against this person, and provocation or anger arousal when this person is recognized positively. It can also have more long-term effects, such as the development of a hostile, cynical, sarcastic attitude that may become a barrier against other healthy relationships, lack of personal and emotional growth, difficulty in self-disclosure, trouble trusting others, loss of self-confidence, and overcompensation. By contrast, resentment does not have any direct negative effects on the person resented, save for the deterioration of the relationship involved."
Now......do you think this resentment is worth ruining your life? I hope that you can move past this for a happier, resentment-free life. The only one who is suffering or is going to suffer is you.
All the best.
"I want my dad to be happy for once, not suffering in abject misery in throughout his golden years."....... I think most want this for their elders and you should want this for your father. No doubt about that.
I don't see a problem with not having anything to do with your stepsister; it's clear you want NO relationship with her, but your father has chosen to continue to have a relationship with his stepdaughter and you should respect his choice.....not saying you have to AGREE with his choice. I don't see a problem making it clear to your dad about your feelings.
Interesting how you use the word "resentment" in your post title as resentment is bitterness; negative emotions. The funny thing is that this "resentment" isn't going to really affect your stepsister, but you. You will pay the price for this resentment.
"Resentment is an emotionally debilitating condition that, when unresolved, can have a variety of negative results on the person experiencing it, including touchiness or edginess when thinking of the person resented, denial of anger or hatred against this person, and provocation or anger arousal when this person is recognized positively. It can also have more long-term effects, such as the development of a hostile, cynical, sarcastic attitude that may become a barrier against other healthy relationships, lack of personal and emotional growth, difficulty in self-disclosure, trouble trusting others, loss of self-confidence, and overcompensation. By contrast, resentment does not have any direct negative effects on the person resented, save for the deterioration of the relationship involved."
Now......do you think this resentment is worth ruining your life? I hope that you can move past this for a happier, resentment-free life. The only one who is suffering or is going to suffer is you.
All the best.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I guess I just encourage you to learn a little bit about addiction. Rather than have a cold heart to your sister and your dad's complex feelings and wanting to help her, you may develop some empathy.
anyway, I absolutely have a very frustrating situation in my own family that is similar to yours. But, as an adult woman, it is what it is. I have my own family now and life. I don't dwell on that as it is a waste of my energy.
I, in all sincerity, think you have some wounds from your childhood and this is very much a part of that. But I'm just a stranger on the internet. I'd seek some therapy as stated above to help you explore your feelings and move past them. I can tell you from experience, they help nothing in life. You can't change what your dad is doing and I don't even know if you should. If he isn't enabling her but making sure those kids are taken care of, it is admirable. It's a very very tough spot for a parent to be in. I wish your dad the best while he navigates through it all.
good luck to you too but do work on this inner turmoil as it will drag you down in life. Therapy would be a great option for you. peace
anyway, I absolutely have a very frustrating situation in my own family that is similar to yours. But, as an adult woman, it is what it is. I have my own family now and life. I don't dwell on that as it is a waste of my energy.
I, in all sincerity, think you have some wounds from your childhood and this is very much a part of that. But I'm just a stranger on the internet. I'd seek some therapy as stated above to help you explore your feelings and move past them. I can tell you from experience, they help nothing in life. You can't change what your dad is doing and I don't even know if you should. If he isn't enabling her but making sure those kids are taken care of, it is admirable. It's a very very tough spot for a parent to be in. I wish your dad the best while he navigates through it all.
good luck to you too but do work on this inner turmoil as it will drag you down in life. Therapy would be a great option for you. peace
You sound like you are full of anger and resentment. Maybe u need a counselor or someone to help you process everything that you are feeling... Remember that holding on to the anger is akin to drinking poison and then waiting for the other person to die...
I see the points many of you are making and I feel the urge to point out something. He didn't just decide one day to step up to the plate, as it were. This is years and years of screwups always landing on his shoulders, from getting bailed out of jail, rehab, court costs, etc. My dad is basically trapped in this "hands around America for teenage parents" crap that you are all talking about. People will never learn to stand on their own two feet if society is constantly catching them when they screw up.
If my father spends his entire retirement savings providing for 2 ungrateful drug addicts who should have never spawned children in the first place, then what does he have for himself? He can't go back to work, he just turned 63 and the stress from dealing with this whole thing is rapidly aging him, in addition to exacerbating health problems. When, not IF, when they run out on him and it's all on me. If my dad works his entire life away to spend his final years in a crap senior home, it's me who has to live with that fact. Those two junkies will just move on to the next person or group of people they can leech from.
And to the individual who stated, "it would be the same if her life were perfect and he doted on her". Wrong. My biological sister has been very successful, graduated college and when my dad began to spend more and more time with her, I couldn't have been happier for both of them. I wanted to see him like that, not being dragged down by parasitic in-laws.
I'm never going to cut off my dad but I'm almost certain I will have little or nothing to do with my stepsister or her child's father. That is a fact. I appreciate your insights but disagree strongly with many of them, attacking my character and portraying me as an angry child stamping my feet because someone got more attention than me. I want my dad to be happy for once, not suffering in abject misery in throughout his golden years.
If my father spends his entire retirement savings providing for 2 ungrateful drug addicts who should have never spawned children in the first place, then what does he have for himself? He can't go back to work, he just turned 63 and the stress from dealing with this whole thing is rapidly aging him, in addition to exacerbating health problems. When, not IF, when they run out on him and it's all on me. If my dad works his entire life away to spend his final years in a crap senior home, it's me who has to live with that fact. Those two junkies will just move on to the next person or group of people they can leech from.
And to the individual who stated, "it would be the same if her life were perfect and he doted on her". Wrong. My biological sister has been very successful, graduated college and when my dad began to spend more and more time with her, I couldn't have been happier for both of them. I wanted to see him like that, not being dragged down by parasitic in-laws.
I'm never going to cut off my dad but I'm almost certain I will have little or nothing to do with my stepsister or her child's father. That is a fact. I appreciate your insights but disagree strongly with many of them, attacking my character and portraying me as an angry child stamping my feet because someone got more attention than me. I want my dad to be happy for once, not suffering in abject misery in throughout his golden years.
I agree with the above posts. While you don't agree with your father's enabling of your step-sister, the fact is it really IS none of your concern and certainly is not a good reason to be disrespectful to your Dad or make those issues YOUR issues that will affect the relationship you have with him.
You said...." But I refuse to compromise my opinions just to be polite. I was the same way in school. Kids in my class would get pregnant and everyone was so happy for them and I wanted to point out that our tax dollars are going to feed and clothe these kids because their parents are incapable of providing for them. Most would say I'm a cold, insensitive person but I'm just seeing the picture for what it really is! "
I admire your sense of morality, but the God's honest truth is, you cannot project your beliefs and opinions onto others, it's pointless. It's not YOUR job to tell others what they are doing wrong in life, not unless those people are your own children, then that's different. Plenty of times in life, we see or hear things we disagree with, and probably most of the people around you are THINKING the same thing, but coming out and being harsh in expressing your opinion won't change those people or those circumstances, it will just make YOU look like the bad guy, truly.
Of course it's very frustrating to watch, but the truth is, there isn't much you can do about it. You can sit your Dad down and express your concerns..that you feel he is being taken advantage of and that his "helping" them, and bailing them out of their consequences only helps them to stay in their active addiction...and maybe encourage him to go to alanon or naranon meetings, where he can learn more about enabling and codependency. Beyond that, this isn't about you, and you shouldn't make it about you. If anything, the fact that you're successful and self sufficient is a huge help to your Dad and I'm sure he's very proud of you for that.
I agree that there may be some deeper issues for you in this situation...you feeling "cheated" of your dad's attention and time, and money. Those are not abnormal feelings to have considering your childhood. Going to therapy yourself is not a bad idea, to help you work through those feelings.
If you and your Dad have a decent relationship now, then I would encourage you to nurture that and beyond a one time discussion about your concerns to him, I would leave the other issues alone.
Good luck to you!
You said...." But I refuse to compromise my opinions just to be polite. I was the same way in school. Kids in my class would get pregnant and everyone was so happy for them and I wanted to point out that our tax dollars are going to feed and clothe these kids because their parents are incapable of providing for them. Most would say I'm a cold, insensitive person but I'm just seeing the picture for what it really is! "
I admire your sense of morality, but the God's honest truth is, you cannot project your beliefs and opinions onto others, it's pointless. It's not YOUR job to tell others what they are doing wrong in life, not unless those people are your own children, then that's different. Plenty of times in life, we see or hear things we disagree with, and probably most of the people around you are THINKING the same thing, but coming out and being harsh in expressing your opinion won't change those people or those circumstances, it will just make YOU look like the bad guy, truly.
Of course it's very frustrating to watch, but the truth is, there isn't much you can do about it. You can sit your Dad down and express your concerns..that you feel he is being taken advantage of and that his "helping" them, and bailing them out of their consequences only helps them to stay in their active addiction...and maybe encourage him to go to alanon or naranon meetings, where he can learn more about enabling and codependency. Beyond that, this isn't about you, and you shouldn't make it about you. If anything, the fact that you're successful and self sufficient is a huge help to your Dad and I'm sure he's very proud of you for that.
I agree that there may be some deeper issues for you in this situation...you feeling "cheated" of your dad's attention and time, and money. Those are not abnormal feelings to have considering your childhood. Going to therapy yourself is not a bad idea, to help you work through those feelings.
If you and your Dad have a decent relationship now, then I would encourage you to nurture that and beyond a one time discussion about your concerns to him, I would leave the other issues alone.
Good luck to you!
Agree with SM and Tink.
Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater meaning don't cut your father off because you don't want to be bothered with your stepsister and her problems. You would be penalizing your father for nothing in my opinion. Just because you disagree with how someone is handling a situation doesn't mean you should be so quick to "write them off" because they aren't handling the situation exactly the way you want them to.
How would you feel if your father did the same to you? If he didn't agree with your decisions and/or who you were helping out and how you were helping them out and quit visiting you. Sometimes we need to put ourselves in another's shoes.
Therapy is ideal in this situation. It's apparent you are seething with anger.
It's your dad's life and he is entitled to his opinions and decisions. He's 62 and you are merely 24. He's got alot more experience in regards to decision making.
Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater meaning don't cut your father off because you don't want to be bothered with your stepsister and her problems. You would be penalizing your father for nothing in my opinion. Just because you disagree with how someone is handling a situation doesn't mean you should be so quick to "write them off" because they aren't handling the situation exactly the way you want them to.
How would you feel if your father did the same to you? If he didn't agree with your decisions and/or who you were helping out and how you were helping them out and quit visiting you. Sometimes we need to put ourselves in another's shoes.
Therapy is ideal in this situation. It's apparent you are seething with anger.
It's your dad's life and he is entitled to his opinions and decisions. He's 62 and you are merely 24. He's got alot more experience in regards to decision making.
Honesty is the best policy... I would start by saying"I really love u daddy but I need to speak to you about something that is really weighing on me". Chances are he needs someone to discuss his feelings about the situation with as well. If u don't say something you are most likely going to explode at the worst possible time. Best of luck and please keep us updated!
COMMUNITY LEADER
I actually believe we should always be polite to people regardless of our opinion. It doesn't mean you condone people's choices but rather that we are all human and deserve to be treated as such. good luck
You will simply add to Your Dad's heavy heart.
Your Dad stepped up to the plate for an innocent Baby. You would only add to the anguish and frustration of Your Dad and it would do nothing to straighten step-sister. I raised a GrandDaughter under the same circumstance (drugs and alcohol were involved, my Son and His Wife) and believe me - Your Dad's emotions far out-distance Yours.
I disagree that being polite in Your Dad's home would be compromising Your opinion. Being polite in Your Dad's home is simply being respectful to a man (repeat) who's emotions in this circumstance FAR out-distance Your own. This I know is true
Regards
Your Dad stepped up to the plate for an innocent Baby. You would only add to the anguish and frustration of Your Dad and it would do nothing to straighten step-sister. I raised a GrandDaughter under the same circumstance (drugs and alcohol were involved, my Son and His Wife) and believe me - Your Dad's emotions far out-distance Yours.
I disagree that being polite in Your Dad's home would be compromising Your opinion. Being polite in Your Dad's home is simply being respectful to a man (repeat) who's emotions in this circumstance FAR out-distance Your own. This I know is true
Regards
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi and welcome. Well, I'm not sure about this. You can say whatever you want but should consider your motives. She's your step sister and she is sick. It's very sad. I understand being mad at an addict that refuses to see how their addiction is ruining their life and that of those around them and at times, it is appropriate to separate yourself from them. But . . . I'm not sure what you are really mad about. That your dad gives his time and money to her? What is that about exactly?? That is what you need to do some soul searching on.
He's an adult and can provide financially for her especially if she has kids (which makes the situation more complex for him, I'm sure) if he chooses to. You probably should understand that and he might even tell you that it is none of your business. While I don't think it is healthy to continue to back up financially an addict, I would continue to pay for rehab for my child in the hopes that it would finally work. And certainly, a premature grandchild that innocently may have been born into not so great circumstances, I'd be right there trying to help with my heart and yes, my check book if need be.
I think you probably have a lot of anger within you for a number of reasons. You may feel ripped off by a dad that wasn't really in your life and then ticked off that he continues to 'choose' to help someone else rather than you. That is a great place to start in therapy to see if you can get this anger out of your system.
We all have people in our life that make much different choices than we would. And when addiction is involved it is very difficult.
I think this situation is much more about you feeling like you've longed for a dad you feel maybe your step sister has and you are mad about it. Again, great to discuss and explore these feelings with a therapist.
I'm sure your dad hurts for his daughter that has an addiction problem and with an addict. It's not what anyone would want for their child. And he may at some point find that being honest about it to her will be helpful.
But sadly, and this might make you upset, you can't do it because I don't think it comes from a good place. Yours is a place of "what about me". You'd be equally as jealous of her if her life was perfect and he doted on her. I certainly could be wrong as you've written just a small bit and that's all I have to go on. But my hunch is that if you explore this from a different angle, you'll get farther at resolving your feelings.
It's okay to choose not to be around her. But unfair to want to choose that same thing for her dad who just happens to be your dad too. good luck
He's an adult and can provide financially for her especially if she has kids (which makes the situation more complex for him, I'm sure) if he chooses to. You probably should understand that and he might even tell you that it is none of your business. While I don't think it is healthy to continue to back up financially an addict, I would continue to pay for rehab for my child in the hopes that it would finally work. And certainly, a premature grandchild that innocently may have been born into not so great circumstances, I'd be right there trying to help with my heart and yes, my check book if need be.
I think you probably have a lot of anger within you for a number of reasons. You may feel ripped off by a dad that wasn't really in your life and then ticked off that he continues to 'choose' to help someone else rather than you. That is a great place to start in therapy to see if you can get this anger out of your system.
We all have people in our life that make much different choices than we would. And when addiction is involved it is very difficult.
I think this situation is much more about you feeling like you've longed for a dad you feel maybe your step sister has and you are mad about it. Again, great to discuss and explore these feelings with a therapist.
I'm sure your dad hurts for his daughter that has an addiction problem and with an addict. It's not what anyone would want for their child. And he may at some point find that being honest about it to her will be helpful.
But sadly, and this might make you upset, you can't do it because I don't think it comes from a good place. Yours is a place of "what about me". You'd be equally as jealous of her if her life was perfect and he doted on her. I certainly could be wrong as you've written just a small bit and that's all I have to go on. But my hunch is that if you explore this from a different angle, you'll get farther at resolving your feelings.
It's okay to choose not to be around her. But unfair to want to choose that same thing for her dad who just happens to be your dad too. good luck
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