insecurities and relationships

[the_nineteenth_neco]

boyfriend and I are a live in couple, so far everything between us is going pretty well but recently I feel as though we've hit a rock. A couple months ago I had an experience that brought up a major insecurity in my life (which up until that point had remained in my sub conscious and was placed on a back burner.) It made me realize that unless I was able to dissolve this or put it behind me that I would have a hard feeling happy or having a normal relationship with a significant other. At first I refused to tell my bf about it I am still unsure of why but its really hard to talk about this without feeling guilty and ashamed about the way I seem to be coping and exactly how much control this seems to have over me. As time went on over a period of about 5 weeks we had several discussions and I gradually warmed up to telling him what was really getting under my skin and how it affected me in day to day life. The thing is in the past 2 weeks or so we've had like 2-3 discussions defining this and I have asked allot of questions about what I should do next and how to go about doing this, and while our talks have helped and I DO feel closer to dissolving this problem my boyfriend seems to be getting frustrated lately when we talk about this and hes said some things to me that are really hurtful. When I asked him about something he had told me in conversation earlier on in our relationship because it had randomly popped into my head the week before he told me I have paranoia (to the point where I am making things up in my head that aren't true.) He told me that I am co dependent and I'm around and don't really leave elsewhere,.... I know we have not spent allot of time apart lately or away from home but I don't really have any place to get away from our apartment aside from my mom's. I also I feel as though I am isolating myself from people that I know and potential friends on purpose but am doing so because I am financially stressed, lack transportation and have been going through a ton of rapid changes lately spiritually mentally and physically and feel I should gain stability before I reach out to others. But yeah my bf and me where talking and I came up with an idea I told him that we could sign a contract saying that the insecurity I am facing is bigger that both of us and then have us sign it that way I could keep it on me and if I suddenly felt insecure for any reason I could pull it out and remember our agreement, However when I used the word contract he told me that I was talking about an engagement ring when I said no and tried to explain he told me "You know what why don't you just assume that anything you ask me is okay with me from now on." Granted this one was more on me and we had been talking for a long time so at the time I sortof just left to allow us to cool off. but since then I've been randomly triggered by crap as well like we talked for an hour or so and he actually told me he would do ANYTHING to get me to shutup. When he asked why what we were talking about was so important that it really looked like I felt the need to fix it now I explained how things had been building up in me and how it was becoming more consistent and it was bothering me often I was grinding my teeth as I felt it was getting harder to choke down he told me he thinks I have mild psychophrenia. I think honesty is a great quality but sometimes I wish he were a bit less harsh or terse on me. I mean I know I'm really sensitive sometimes but I really feel that some (not all but  some) of the stuff hes been saying is kindof uncalled for. So since this has started happening I have had a bit of a difficult time enjoying time with my bf outside of this. I've seriously been considering spending a few days at my mom's place simply out of the fact that things haven't been going well lately I'm not happy and I'm afraid I will say or do something I may regret later. I have been asking others about what I should do or what they think and my friend Sam helped put a spin on things he said that I am forgetting there are some things to deal with on my own I do think that he is right about that and especially lately where I no longer feel I want to really approach this subject with my guy. Within the past few days or so I have been brainstorming ideas on different ways I could deal with this however I wouldn't mind having some fresh blood or a new perspective on things....does anyone else in here have advice on insecurities and how they beat theirs or cope and also talking with your significant other is there a specific way to approach this thanks,
Neco

[specialmom]

I think sometimes in a relationship we try to use our significant other as our therapist.  I think in this case that is what your boyfriend is saying.  He is frustrated not only by the volume of talking about the issue but also that he can't really help you and seems to be stuck with no progress to making things better.

My suggestion is that you actually do talk to a therapist.  I think sorting out what your inner turmoil is about and helping you find real ways of working on improving your emotions and thoughts about the traumatic event would be very helpful to you.  Is this something you'd consider?

I am also hearing that you do not have a tremendous support system outside of your boyfriend.  This is something for you to work on as well.  How are your relationships with girlfriends?  Any friends you can reconnect with?  Or can you start doing something that would help you make some friends such as a group exercise class or something like that?  I think this would help you emotionally as well as help your relationship as a whole.

Lastly, something to consider is that you may have some anxiety that needs to be treated.  I, of course, don't know for sure but as you write this, I picked up on some signals that this might be the case.  Just something to think about.

Best of luck to you.

[thehitman357]

ok, I will give you a guy's point of view.  I believe your boyfriend may not feel as strong as you do about your insecuirties.  At first, he may have been nice and was listening to you as a good boyfriend should. However, I believe you keep bringing this up and he is getting tired and fustrated. Guys want a quick fix to problems and want to move on.  We don't know what you insecurities, so it is hard to say if there is a quick fix.  If one insecurity is that you think your bf may cheat on you, but you have no proof, this could be a problem for him after he told you the last 30 times that he would not.  This is just an example of course. The best thing to do is address your inserurities head on.  This is one place you can do it. We do not know who you are and really do not care. We are here to help. Good luck.  

[kirstyjessen]

Hi There,

I only have a little bit to say which is to follow your heart. I was in this position before as well and I found that writing a brainstorm did not help me neither did writing a contact as that made my partner worse. If you do a contract they feel trapped and they start saying things and doing things they wouldn't normally do.

I agree honesty is the best policy but in some cases its needs to be toned down a bit maybe you need to tell your partner exactly what they said that upset you, annoyed your etc other wise he will never know and won't stop saying or doing what he did/said.

insecuritys are part of life and the only way on beating htem is doing it step by step I started mine by writing down everything i was feeling and everything that was in my head on paper and then getting a good nights sleep because its out of your mind and do that every night until the list gets smaller and smaller sometimes you may add things and it gets long but eventually you will gradually check things off bit by bit.

Sorry if this isn't much help but its a few things that helped me.

xx