Feeling Guilty

[Ren82]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 10 years and we have 3 beautiful kids together. I have never had a reason to complain about our relationship but in the last two months it feels as if everything is falling apart. On 12 Sept while I was out of the coutry for work, my bf tried to commit suicide (or so he says). He sent me a text to say he was going to gas himself if the car while our 6 month old baby slept in the house. I begged him not to and to think of the kids who would be without their dad. It seems that was enough to make him change is mind. He went onto antidepressants for a 3 days and then stopped. He has been to two councilling sessions and feels that he no longer needs to go as he is ok. He says he was merely feeling overwhelmed and couldnt cope, he felt he was good for nothing and that his family would be better off if he wasnt here. None of which he had communicated to me before despite me seeing and asking him what was bothering him. He is a stay at home dad while I work full time and provide for us financially. We are not rich but live comfortably.

I had a really hard time dealing with his attempt (felt very guilty for not been at home or been able to stop it) and spoke to his counsellor once myself (didnt feel like it helped). I did ask him to leave as I was deeply hurt/betrayed by his actions and worried about the safety of our kids. It felt like I was sitting on a time bomb which could explode at any moment, which was more than I could handle. He begged and pleaded for me to stay, eventually I agreed (mostly because I feel guilty at the thought of being the one to tear our family apart).

I now question the strength of our relationship, our ability to commuicate, keep checking for signs of him "not coping". I see things which I never saw before (or chose to ignore before). If I ask him to do something or try to talk about anything more than the superficial stuff, he shuts down and refuses to talk to me. He can be childish at times and it feels like i have 4 and not 3 kids to raise. He is the master of sulking. It is exhasuting been with him.

I want to leave as I simply cannot live with his moods/passive aggressive behaviours anymore but feel like I dont have a good enough reason to just quit. He doesnt drink, doesnt physically abuse me, he is a good dad and has been a great friend over the years. The counsellour said i should call him on his behaviour but why should I have to teach a 31 year old man how to be an adult and take responsiblity for his life. We are no longer (nor do I think we have ever been) equal partners.

I have found a new counsellor who I will begin seeing next month and hoping that by focusing on what I can do, things will begin to improve. In the mean time I am really confused and feel guilty for want to take time off from the relationship and even considering ending things for good. I feel like I have to choose my own happiness vs providing my kids with a whole family with both parents living together? Its an impossibly hard choice to even think about.

What should I do?

[RainLover71]

Your BF needs to seek therapy if he is telling you he wants to end it all.With the right therapy & meds he can get better.All the best.

[AnnieBrooke]

Amen.  When we become partners with someone, married or not, there is that "in sickness or health" implicit promise.  We don't promise "If you get sick, I will think that is very irritating of you and consider leaving."  Please keep working together on finding him a counselor he can actually get some value from, and getting him proper meds.  Also, if he is at home all day every day with three kids, please re-think that  too -- child rearing is hard work, not the taking-care-of part, but the entertaining-them-so-they-don't-tear-the-house-apart-when-you're-grabbing-a-shower part, is very hard.  Makes you feel like a servant, and a somewhat ineffectual one at that.  See if you two can put your heads together and find him some work that makes him feel more autonomous.

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Sweetie, he has a medical condition like any other.  Depression is real and perhaps it goes further into the area of bipolar.  I think you help him and don't punish him for being so 'sick' that he plotted a suicide plan.  

I would insist he see his doctor again and being medication again.  I would want him followed by a psychiatrist and not just a gp.  And I think the bargaining chip is that this is how to keep him safe and the family together.

If it is true that your relationship has been good for 10 years and all of this started two months ago (which concerns me about how well you are emotionally involved with him yourself because you didn't notice his depression)----  then you stick together and help him rather than jump ship because he is suffering mental health issues.

One in four American adults suffer depression or anxiety or both.  One in four take antidepressants.  It is not unusual or shameful.  Nor is it a reason for a spouse to jump ship.  I get that he had a suicide plan and that is scary as all get out.  But now you work the problem.

Perhaps he is unfulfilled being a stay at home dad.  Perhaps he finds employment outside the home and you either seek part time hours or find full time child care.  I was a stay at home mom when my husband traveled a good deal and often internationally.  At times, to be honest, I was a little resentful.  Before kids, I too had a career and now I was at home with baby food on my shirt, bags under my eyes and my husband was having dinner in a nice resturant in France.  Maybe staying at home full time isn't his thing and he needs to be encouraged to find what feels right for him regarding that.  

I would again, encourage him to see a psychiatrist.  To begin his therapy again.  But I would try to have more of a team spirit about his condition rather than making him into a danger to the family and someone to be angry at for something he can't control.  That suicide call is a blessing dear.  it was a wake up call for you.  Because even if he is out of the house and committs suicide, you have the utter sadness of fatherless kids to deal with.  Now you know he needs some help and yes, your life just got more complicated.  But rise to the occassion and be supportive rather than angry.

good luck