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leaving my husband 4yrs after prostate cancer
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leaving my husband 4yrs after prostate cancer

It's been 3.5 yrs since my husband prostate cancer surgery.  We have not been able to have sex in that time.  He's tried all the pills and injections, nothing works.  In this time we have grown so far apart it's rediculous.  Been married for 30yrs and I want to leave, that's all I can think about.  I want to have a physical relationship again.  I didn't think it would be this bad when he was first diagnosed.  But this is affecting me too much.  I told him a year ago that I didn't want to be married anymore, but I stayed.  Now I feel that I need to make a move..I know he will be hurt, but I need to be happy again.  I have never been so sad in my entire life...I just need to be with someone that can make me happy again.  Has anyone been through this before?  
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16 Comments
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1100763_tn?1264632098
You said you told him last year you wanted out.How did he react? Did you tell him why?
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686059_tn?1293837427
This is just awful and sad that you would leave a 30 yr. marriage, because of his illness and apparently you really don't love him. What happened to the sacred vow in marriage, "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health".  I recommend that you file for a divorce if you are that unhappy in the marriage, but remember that one day you will be afflicted with illness and you will also one day be afflicted with old age and the grass is not always greener on the other side. I believe in Karma, what goes around comes around and one day in your afflictions, you will remember him. Good luck, Judy
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Avatar_f_tn
i really feel bad for your husband. he survives prostate cancer, probably feels awful b/c he can't perform sexually....and here you are wanting to leave him for it. like judy said what about your vows?

perhaps it would be best for HIM if you did divorce him. he could then move on and find a real woman who will love him. even if he can't perform sexually.
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285927_tn?1380802356
Ever hear of a vibrator? His arms and hands broke too? Or tongue?
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Avatar_f_tn
That is horrible. I understand your needs are not being met, but there are other ways of having an itimate moment. To stay with a man for 30 years and then just give up on it just because you cannot be satisfied sexually is the worst thing ever. How do you think it makes him feel? Don't you think he hates the fact that he can't please you??? Like Judy said, if you are that unhappy then file for a divorce and throw your 30+ yeah marriage away. I'm sorry if I sound mean, or rude...but it was not his fault he got cancer. You must have known this might have happened with the type of cancer he suffered from.
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Avatar_f_tn
It is really unfortunate that you are this unsensitive after 30 years of marriage!!! I agree with the ladies that most likely he will be better off without you if this is the way you feel.I would hate to know that if I became ill & wasnt able to give my husband sex he would leave me when I needed him most!!!!
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686059_tn?1293837427
It also shows how selfish you to only think of your needs with total disregard that he has a life threatening desease. What type of human being are you to only think of you during such a difficult time, where he needs support, comfort, caring and you only think of you "not getting" it...shame on you after 30 yrs.!
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902589_tn?1268152453
Wow i can't believe this post. you are considering leaving your husband because he can't have sex with you do to CANCER?? What about the 30 years put into the relaitonship? Is sex really all you care about? Have you no love for your husband?? How do you think he feels??

I'm sorry but you just sound very shallow and self centered to me. After 30 years giving up on your relationship because your husband can't have sex after having cancer, what happened to your marriage vows? In sickness and in health? I agree with the other posters, he would probably be better off without you if all you care about after 30 years of marriage is sex. Geez get a vibrator, have a make out session! Be supportive of him in his time of need.
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145992_tn?1341348674
God forbid something happened to you were you were in a horrific accident and paralyzed from the waist down.  Or your face was mangled beyond recognition.  How would you feel if the man who you were with for 30 years, left you because of these things?  It's disgusting how you think.  This poor man deserves a real woman in his life.  You should be looking at Dana Reeves and how much she endured with her husband because she loved him.  Sex should be the last thing you are thinking about when your husband of 30 years has just survived prostate cancer.  I would just be grateful that he was still alive and that my companion was still there for me.  I agree with Judy, karma is a real thing and I hope you find a man who is equally as selfish as you and he treats you just like you treated your husband so that you can realize how disgraceful you are.  Sorry, I'm just saddened by this post.
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Avatar_f_tn
It sounds like at some point,  you both just let things go and stopped working on the marriage.  It also sounds like you are both depressed.  Cancer is a pretty big deal to happen to a couple, stirs up all kinds of thoughts and emotions.

However, if you're that unhappy and you're sure things are never going to change, then it's time to move on, even if you have been married for 30 yrs.  You are not doing anyone any favors by staying married if you're that unhappy.  I don't think you are a bad person for wanting to leave the marriage.  You have been through a lot in the past few years.

I do hope you encourage your hubby to get some counciling because having cancer and then having your wife leave because you can't please her, is going to be really rough on him.

You should probably get some counciling yourself.

Hope it works out for both of you :o)

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686059_tn?1293837427
He has been through a lot and leaving a marriage, because of his illness and inability to perform sexually is insensitive and simply unexceptable. Bad person, maybe not, selfish and insensitive, definately!
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Avatar_f_tn
i actually asked my husband this only reworded it for a woman.

i said "sweetheart, if we've been married for 30 years (we're approaching 2 years...) and i end up getting cervical or ovarian cancer and something happens to where i can never have sex again, would you leave me?" after looking at me like i was complete idiot...he says "you don't know what i'd say? of course i'd leave!" after looking at him for a moment...he cracked a smile and says "no, i'd  never leave you for getting sick. h3ll i'd never leave you at all. i love ya babe."

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1100763_tn?1264632098
Wake up and smell the coffee, all of us women worry about breast/cancer ,can you imagine one day being diagnosed with breast cancer and having to loose your breast . How would it make you fill if,your husband did not find you desirable because you had no breast.CARMA ...... Good Luck Young/gma
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Avatar_f_tn
I am a 36 year old woman and a 24 year cancer surviror myself.  I undertsnad what you are feeling due to the fact that a year ago my husband had his prostate removed due to prostae cancer.  He is now cancer free which is wonderful.  But during the process he did have complacations which make sex alot harder.  For all the woman above do not put someone down for their feelings unless you have gone through it yourself.  Have'nt you heard the saying " If you have nothing nice to say don't say anything at all!"  You have no idea how she feels. Marriage is wonderful union between two people.  We did state our vows in front of God for sickness and in health.  I am struggling myself with all the different emotions I am feeling.  I know your husband and mine have been put through the ringer.  I also realize how hard it must be for my husband to feel he can't perform to the fullest.  I understand your needs too.  I suggest going to a support group or conseling before you decided to leave a marriage of 30 years.  Through out the year of this recovery process my husband and myself have had our hard times, but he is my best firend, my soul mate, a wonderful father to our girls, and I can not imagne my life without him.  I try to think positive not always the easiest thing to do but I pray that in time it will get better.  If it does'nt I feel I will not leave him on this path alone.  That is not who I am nor has he ever gave up on me.  I hope and pray that you find the best soloution for yourself in finding happiness.  It is a very diffcult process.  Also in ending this I want you to remeber that I am 36 , my husband is 42 and we had a very very active sex life before the cancer.  So I indeed understand and feel for you!  I wish you and your husband happiness and good health from here and out.  Good luck :)
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Avatar_f_tn
I understand I am 44 my husband is 62 I know what you are going through. I never dreamed I would end up in a sexless marriage. It is frustrating and unfair but know what else its more unfair to him. It's not his fault. It seems leaving would be kinder than cheating. Look in your heart and find the reasons you fell in love with him and fall in love with him all over again. Your love can become deeper than the physical. I cry for what we lost but I thank God for what we have and that I still have him. No man can replace him and no sex without him is worth having.
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1140115_tn?1348499315
Hi, folks,

Since this thread is old and the original participants are no longer taking part, we'll close it now.  If you'd like to ask a question or start a new thread, please click the "Post a Question" button near the top of this page.  Thanks!

Claire
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