losing the spark after long term becomes long distance- is it worth it?
Hey, I'm new here, and just want someone to talk to, with an outsider's opinion or advice on a troubled long term, long distance relationship. I'll full of unresolved questions and just don't know what to do.
I have been with my boyfriend for coming on 2 years. We met in the city when i came there for 2 weeks to visit my family. We hit it off right away and grew fond of eachother quickly. Shortly after i went back home, i moved to the city. He was 15 when i met him, i'm almost 4 years older than he is(it took me a long time to be completely ok with that, lots of insecurities about what that might mean maturity and experience-wise, i didn't want to hold him back, but i took the chance).
I lived there for over a year, mostly seeing him a couple times a week, sometimes as little as 3 times a month, we had a lot of fun whenever we did see eachother. I was upset with him about the lack of time together and regularly asked him to make more time for me. We took a break and he started showing signs of change and appreciation. He really loved me, for a long time it was unquestionable, in fact he initiated the relationship to begin with. And of coarse, i wanted to be with him in the beginning but was unsure about the age difference.
After a year of being together and working together on our problems(we're both aware that we're very young, and helped eachother make the right decisions and work on what needed working on to be healthy together)... i lost my apartment with my family and had no choice but to move back to my original home. With a week's notice, i was gone, and the last week together was devastating and passionate, but we tried to be as realistic as possible about the situation. We agreed that we would wait for eachother, and somehow we'd be together again. We had no idea how difficult it was going to be to work through long term on top of the everyday of being in a relationship.
I have been away for about 7 months now. When i first got here it was extremely difficult to adjust to not having him in my life, i didn't have many friends in the city and ended up relying on him a lot(which i realize isn't always a good thing, but it happens). He visited me a month and a half ago and we had a great time, but things were a bit akward for me. I'd forgotten how to be with him and gotten so used to living without him. When i told him this later he was surprised and a little hurt, cause he apparently hadn't felt akward at all.
I'm feeling like i've lost some of my initial feelings for him, and i feel that he has too, and i don't get reminded often of the fun loving, helpful, easy to talk to person i met. Some of it has to do with that I'm not willing to commit to someone i don't feel is commiting to me. There's been a lot of tension due to all of the problems we've faced over the last few months. Normal things like jealousy and doubt and insecurities based on moving on with the lives we have without eachother. The past 2 weeks have been just dry conversations, and me not getting much of a response from his end. he doesn't tell me he loves me back, and it seems like he's just not putting much effort in. i've had this problem before with him, and when i ask what's going on he's surprised and says there isn't a problem at all and explains how much he doesn't want to lose me. Weeks pass, and it goes back to the same, me having to row the boat by myself.
Maybe he's not as commited now as he was because he's not in the mindset of putting aside energy for our relationship. We're far apart and both have our seperate lives.
It's a hard thing to admit, because i want nothing more than for us to be happy together, but I don't know if this is worth it, if he's not showing up enough and is too unstable. I know that you can't make a person change.
Is our age difference really a bigger deal that i thought it would be, hoped it wouldn't be?
Please any suggestions or observations would be greatly appreciated, anything at all. And thank you so much for taking the time to read this, any questions you have i'm more than happy and grateful to answer. I just don't know what to do or think, i want it to be worth it because the good times are GREAT, but are they worth the bad times? Is this normal?
It's gotten to a point where i'm constantly resenting him for being passive, and not helping me "row the boat" to keep us going, even when i don't realize i'm upset with him. But I'm afraid of losing him in my life because we live so far away from eachother.
We're still unsure of how we're going to be together, and there's a lot of pressure for me to take the commitment that's needed for us to be together(both involving one of us moving out of state and getting a place together, which we might not be ready for)
It takes a boy a far longer time to grow up than it does a girl. I don't expect he would be marriage material for many years yet. Plus he needs to think about college, and you do too, so you have educations that will qualify you both for employment that you enjoy, are interested in, and can make a reasonably good living at. You are each very young and you both need the freedom to live your single lives into adulthood.
Your hormones are pretty racey at this stage in life. It is better if you let him go and move forward with your life and goals, and let him do the same. You both cannot realistically stay committed to each other, especially when you live apart. It is just a fact of life. I think he is realizing this too but doesn't want to hurt you by saying it. You need to start reaching out to new friendships, and if you are having a hard time meeting people you could start in college, a job, church, doing volunteer work where others your age also volunteer. Stretch your hobbies to where others are also. You will need to learn how to network with others, through them meet yet more people, and through them, yet more people. Eventually you will be so busy with your life, you will likely not even think about your current boyfriend. It is time to let go and move on.
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