Aa
marriage yay!
So a little sarcasm in the title, I feel like I was totally fooled into getting married by a woman who claimed she never wanted to get married again (she was married previously from 19-23). Her ex husband said she was mean and controlling so he cheated on her. When we were dating she was fun and interesting, she was an RN and I'm a firefighter so we made a similar amount of money and it wasn't an issue there wasn't one of us controlling all the money. Our first trip we headed east to Pensacola Florida and had a great time. We took kayaks off the beach and paddled several miles out just to enjoy the actual blue water. She told me she always wanted to live out in the country. The first 2 years we were dating we'd head out to west Texas to the Frio river and the kayaking was always her favorite part. Life was good. She then decided she wanted to advance her career and become a nurse practitioner, and that's where the resentment began. She was so busy and stressed throughout our whole engagement, that she kinda became kinda controlling on how I got to spend my time. I work a 24 on 48 off schedule so my life is chaotic anyway. Well on my days off I just slowly went from fishing with my buddies while she was at school or work to I had to home at 4 everyday to cook her dinner before she would head into work (part time) and she couldn't understand why I couldn't get my friend to take the boat all the way back in so I could drive an hour home to see her for 30 minutes. Anyway I have serious back problems from my time in the fire department, and ended up on painkillers and then got addicted and started buying extras off the street to feed my growing habit, because it was the only way I could feel any happiness because otherwise my life was miserable. Well I came clean that I had a problem expecting that maybe, just maybe she would be a little supportive that I actually realized it had gotten out of hand and wanted help. Of course I just got screamed at instead. So no help use continued another year while I was waiting for her to finish school thinking she wouldn't be so stressed and things would get better, but they've only gotten worse even though I've finally managed to get clean-ish of course with no support.(I'm on maintenance). My wife has always gotten along great with my family though, she says since her family sucked so bad it made mine seem even nicer. So obviously my parents love her too, but they see the problems. They see that I'm unhappy being manipulated and controlled but they don't say much because they know it's not really their business unless I were to bring it up which I don't, my mantra has become "grin and bear it. " She pretended to like the things that I like the first short while we were dating now she hates it all she even resents the fact that there are things I like doing. Anyway my father recently retired. He wants the whole family including my wife to take a kayak/camping trip down the Devils river (a very similar activity to one she loved before) well she's already agreed to go, and just now realized there's not gonna be any air conditioning so after yelling at me over the phone for 45 minutes while I'm at work. I'm pretty convinced my wife wants a subservient ***** not a husband , and that's just not me. Oh yeah and another thing a few months ago I put my foot down and told her we were going to go talk to the Reverend that did our wedding and get some advice to fix things I drug her there kicking and screaming. The Reverend said our problems were a bit much for her to handle so she gave my wife the name and number of a counselor who could help, and it's just like she's not interested it's been months and she hasn't called every day I tell her to just call. So either she is perfectly happy making me miserable, and is faking her unhappiness. It's the only logical conclusion I can arrive at. Of course there are gonna be some holes in the story even though I wrote you guys a book. It's all screwed up I'm either headed for suicide or divorce 2 things I never ever wanted for myself. I can only take so much emotional abuse before I crack. I'm so freaking lost and don't know what else to do, and the one person I should be able to talk to is the only one that I can't.
Nighthawk................totally agree.
I just read some of your other posts in regards to your addiction issues. That possibly explains why your wife is acting the way she is. Now, I am not saying she doesn't have any issues of her own, however, when you are going behind her back getting high on "roxies" and then trying to cover it up that screams addict who really should be inpatient in a facility. You even stated that she is planning on leaving if she finds you have slipped. Apparently, this a deal breaker for her. You are expecting her to seek therapy, but then you go behind her back and do this? Then, you are iffy about continuing any kind of recovery program for yourself?
Professionally speaking she is a NP and your actions could jeopardize her career if you were ever busted for buying or using drugs off the street as you never who is selling.......could be an undercover cop not to mention your job would be in jeopardy. NPs are licensed and must be careful about dealing with people including husbands who have drug issues. I am sure that is one of the major reasons that she told you the next time you messed up she is leaving and I don't blame her.
BTW: Mixing drugs is pretty much playing Russian roulette. Mixing Roxies and Suboxone is a NO NO.
Perhaps you should take some time apart from one another to do some soul searching about this marriage ALONE and work on your issues ALONE.
I just read some of your other posts in regards to your addiction issues. That possibly explains why your wife is acting the way she is. Now, I am not saying she doesn't have any issues of her own, however, when you are going behind her back getting high on "roxies" and then trying to cover it up that screams addict who really should be inpatient in a facility. You even stated that she is planning on leaving if she finds you have slipped. Apparently, this a deal breaker for her. You are expecting her to seek therapy, but then you go behind her back and do this? Then, you are iffy about continuing any kind of recovery program for yourself?
Professionally speaking she is a NP and your actions could jeopardize her career if you were ever busted for buying or using drugs off the street as you never who is selling.......could be an undercover cop not to mention your job would be in jeopardy. NPs are licensed and must be careful about dealing with people including husbands who have drug issues. I am sure that is one of the major reasons that she told you the next time you messed up she is leaving and I don't blame her.
BTW: Mixing drugs is pretty much playing Russian roulette. Mixing Roxies and Suboxone is a NO NO.
Perhaps you should take some time apart from one another to do some soul searching about this marriage ALONE and work on your issues ALONE.
I sure hope you both, you and your wife, try to work together and figure this out because the BOTH of you are playing a part in this.
This is hanging on a THIN thread.
All the best.
This is hanging on a THIN thread.
All the best.
When i went to an Addictions Therapist, it was me going knowing that I NEEDED their help to LIVE. That changes the dynamic , going in. Maybe you need to look at how you present yourself. You seem to have a sense of humor, but you may have to look at all of this minus that attribute., in order to get things moving in the right direction.
I've now gone back and read from your post regarding your own addictions.
it might be that the dynamics between your wife and yourself, without professional intervention, will NOT support your recovery, i don't know if that can be known without someone getting some professional help.
is your wife mad at having no air conditioning, or is she mad that you refuse help from a 12 step group? you can find that out in marriage counseling.
but please re read this. and consider it valuable advice., moving forward
So there ya go. The relapse started in your head.
A program of recovery isn't even an option for you, imo. It's a necessity. I don't know why folks are so afraid of 12 step groups. Yes, there are some really weird ones, but there are groups that literally save people's lives. Find Open Stand Up meetings, sit in the front and just LISTEN. You'll hear a bunch of stories, and then you'll hear your own.
They can be scary..n/a especially can be hard-core, but there are a zillion A/A meetings around and I've been to some that I will literally NEVER forget; they made such a lasting impression on me. I saw a biker from Hell's Angels get up and cry like a baby (he had the whole room in tears) talking about his obsession with booze and drugs.) Another group had a 79 year old nun who was secretly drinking and taking pills. Man, I will always remember her. Her story touched the lives of at least 40 people in the room that night.
The program works. It really, truly does. If there is something you don't like, then ignore it. But get into something that forces you to face your disease with other like-minded folks. 'Cause that little slip of yours is a red flag.
Bless you honey...now go to a meeting!
Hugs
-Robin
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it might be that the dynamics between your wife and yourself, without professional intervention, will NOT support your recovery, i don't know if that can be known without someone getting some professional help.
is your wife mad at having no air conditioning, or is she mad that you refuse help from a 12 step group? you can find that out in marriage counseling.
but please re read this. and consider it valuable advice., moving forward
So there ya go. The relapse started in your head.
A program of recovery isn't even an option for you, imo. It's a necessity. I don't know why folks are so afraid of 12 step groups. Yes, there are some really weird ones, but there are groups that literally save people's lives. Find Open Stand Up meetings, sit in the front and just LISTEN. You'll hear a bunch of stories, and then you'll hear your own.
They can be scary..n/a especially can be hard-core, but there are a zillion A/A meetings around and I've been to some that I will literally NEVER forget; they made such a lasting impression on me. I saw a biker from Hell's Angels get up and cry like a baby (he had the whole room in tears) talking about his obsession with booze and drugs.) Another group had a 79 year old nun who was secretly drinking and taking pills. Man, I will always remember her. Her story touched the lives of at least 40 people in the room that night.
The program works. It really, truly does. If there is something you don't like, then ignore it. But get into something that forces you to face your disease with other like-minded folks. 'Cause that little slip of yours is a red flag.
Bless you honey...now go to a meeting!
Hugs
-Robin
BlankReply
Nothing wrong with your comments special mom, it's not you some people have genuine advise, but others seem to have the mentality that I'm the man, so I must be wrong somewhere. She's also been done with school for over a year. That's just when everything started to go downhill was when she was in school. Annie you seem just. I don't know sad? Angry? But you should really consider therapy. I ask her to go because it's been recommended for HER. Just like if she were physically ill I'd be telling her to go to the doctor. So move past that. I realize I'm no saint and I've had my share of wrong doing however in this particular case "it ain't me"
COMMUNITY LEADER
I attempted to offer advice that perhaps could help your relationship. What does she say when you ask her to stop yelling? have you set a boundary that you will not talk to her if she raises her voice? What steps have you taken to handle this relationship with adult tactics of communication?
I would say, if my husband told me every day for a year to get counseling, I would find that so insulting that I'd be out of there. She's sticking, who knows why. But it sounds like a marriage on the way to ending, for a lot of reasons.
If you stated this was just venting I can understand that, but you come here seeking opinions of others who do not know you, therefore, these are honest, to-the-point opinions. It would a disservice to you to agree with everything you are saying when I know that isn't the honest thing to do. Opinions are opinions........at the end of the day you can do what you want.
"You people don't care and really why should you? It's alot more fun to talk **** and make people feel bad for doing everything in their power to help their marriage."............It is unfortunate you can't get what the majority of us are trying to say. I guess hearing the truth of the matter hurts.
"It's not even about me it's about her trust issues that stem way back before me."..............You are going on and on about what's wrong with her.
Here's what I am not understanding..............why aren't you seeking professional help with your marriage? It is seriously on a slippery slope. That would be doing EVERYTHING you could to help your marriage. Your situation requires PROFESSIONAL help. Then you mention she has the number for this therapist. Is it not possible to get this number from her? Someone needs to call..........if she won't then YOU SHOULD, however, you choose to just leave it up to her while your marriage is going downhill each day.
Lastly, why stay with a woman who:
Is not willing to go to therapy.
Yells and screams at you.
Emotionally abuses you.
Doesn't let you do the things you love.
Is controlling and manipulating.
Has unresolved trust issues.
Is your wife working and going to school? If she is then she is busier than you.
"I'm either headed for suicide or divorce 2 things I never ever wanted for myself. I can only take so much emotional abuse before I crack. I'm so freaking lost and don't know what else to do, and the one person I should be able to talk to is the only one that I can't.".....................If someone was pushing me to this point I would be running to a marriage counselor for guidance or starting divorce proceedings. Your posts are all over the board and it would take a professional to unravel this as we aren't professionals.
You are BEYOND unhappy. Sounds like you two just don't mix.
BTW: I not here for fun; I come here to offer my opinion hoping that it may help someone.
"You people don't care and really why should you? It's alot more fun to talk **** and make people feel bad for doing everything in their power to help their marriage."............It is unfortunate you can't get what the majority of us are trying to say. I guess hearing the truth of the matter hurts.
"It's not even about me it's about her trust issues that stem way back before me."..............You are going on and on about what's wrong with her.
Here's what I am not understanding..............why aren't you seeking professional help with your marriage? It is seriously on a slippery slope. That would be doing EVERYTHING you could to help your marriage. Your situation requires PROFESSIONAL help. Then you mention she has the number for this therapist. Is it not possible to get this number from her? Someone needs to call..........if she won't then YOU SHOULD, however, you choose to just leave it up to her while your marriage is going downhill each day.
Lastly, why stay with a woman who:
Is not willing to go to therapy.
Yells and screams at you.
Emotionally abuses you.
Doesn't let you do the things you love.
Is controlling and manipulating.
Has unresolved trust issues.
Is your wife working and going to school? If she is then she is busier than you.
"I'm either headed for suicide or divorce 2 things I never ever wanted for myself. I can only take so much emotional abuse before I crack. I'm so freaking lost and don't know what else to do, and the one person I should be able to talk to is the only one that I can't.".....................If someone was pushing me to this point I would be running to a marriage counselor for guidance or starting divorce proceedings. Your posts are all over the board and it would take a professional to unravel this as we aren't professionals.
You are BEYOND unhappy. Sounds like you two just don't mix.
BTW: I not here for fun; I come here to offer my opinion hoping that it may help someone.
Well thanks nighthawk, but I guess this isn't a realistic place for me to even blow off some steam. These women on here have their minds made up, and we all know there's no changing that. So you read back into some of my older post in other forums? Someone mentioned the fact that there was somthing wrong with me taking xanax too. It's prescribed and not abused, I take it for anxiety and nothing else. I don't even know how people manage to see any recreational potential in it and that's why it's schedule 4 ie the second to least potential for abuse. If I had left out that I had (past tense) a drug problem I wonder what yall would find to try and make me feel like a jerk then. Whoever said she had a heavy schedule? btw I work more hours a week than her. She works 12 10 hour shifts a month and I work 9 24 hour shifts so try the math on that. I'm just tired of being yelled at I guess I could have left the rest out, I just put it all out on the table because I was pissed off. You people don't care and really why should you? It's alot more fun to talk **** and make people feel bad for doing everything in their power to help their marriage. Only she has the number for the counselor btw so she needs to call. It's not even about me it's about her trust issues that stem way back before me.
"You all say that it must be me, and can't seem to imagine that she'd be wrong."...................Who is saying that? You are saying that. The majority of your posts details over her shortcomings and gives the image that you are the victim here. When someone states " I can only take so much emotional abuse before I crack" indicates to me someone feels he/she is a victim of the circumstance. We can ONLY comment on what you POST. All I can see is how you are blaming, blaming and blaming HER and labeling her as "controlling."
Secondly, I am a nurse myself and understand addiction, etc., however, it is not something I want to deal with in my personal life. Most people have deal breakers and that is one of mine especially if someone isn't seeking PROFESSIONAL help. If the person was seeking professional help perhaps I would take that into consideration. I do understand that living with an addict is a HEAVY life and some people aren't up for that. You expect your wife to be understanding about your difficulties, however, sounds like you are not wanting to be understanding of her difficulties.
Why aren't you calling the therapist whom the Rev. recommended? Just because she isn't going doesn't mean you can't go. Maybe if she sees you going she will be convinced to go?
To be honest, you need to loose the sarcasm and find a better way to communicate. The sarcasm is counterproductive. If you are using it when talking to her then that would EXPLAIN a lot.
"Also anyone can develop a problem at any time, I hope none of you ever know what it's like, but don't think you're insusceptible to addiction. The very idea that you would just bail on someone because they were dealing with a real life issue speaks volumes of your mindsets.".........a. This isn't about US and b. I would be bailing on anyone who was:
1. Labeling me controlling.
2. Resentful of me.
3. Always playing the victim and acting if I was a monster.
4. Sarcastic.
5. Pointing out all of my faults and minimizing his own.
6. Complaining about doing the housework when I have a heavy schedule.
7. Stating I want a "subservient *****" and not a husband.
AND
8. Grappling with addiction issues.
So, you see............I wouldn't just be "bailing" just because of the addiction if I was in a situation such as yours.
Secondly, I am a nurse myself and understand addiction, etc., however, it is not something I want to deal with in my personal life. Most people have deal breakers and that is one of mine especially if someone isn't seeking PROFESSIONAL help. If the person was seeking professional help perhaps I would take that into consideration. I do understand that living with an addict is a HEAVY life and some people aren't up for that. You expect your wife to be understanding about your difficulties, however, sounds like you are not wanting to be understanding of her difficulties.
Why aren't you calling the therapist whom the Rev. recommended? Just because she isn't going doesn't mean you can't go. Maybe if she sees you going she will be convinced to go?
To be honest, you need to loose the sarcasm and find a better way to communicate. The sarcasm is counterproductive. If you are using it when talking to her then that would EXPLAIN a lot.
"Also anyone can develop a problem at any time, I hope none of you ever know what it's like, but don't think you're insusceptible to addiction. The very idea that you would just bail on someone because they were dealing with a real life issue speaks volumes of your mindsets.".........a. This isn't about US and b. I would be bailing on anyone who was:
1. Labeling me controlling.
2. Resentful of me.
3. Always playing the victim and acting if I was a monster.
4. Sarcastic.
5. Pointing out all of my faults and minimizing his own.
6. Complaining about doing the housework when I have a heavy schedule.
7. Stating I want a "subservient *****" and not a husband.
AND
8. Grappling with addiction issues.
So, you see............I wouldn't just be "bailing" just because of the addiction if I was in a situation such as yours.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Remember nighthawk, she's been living with someone using narcotics for a while and it has not been that long that he has been clean. I would guess that her patience has been pushed to the maximum.
It would be super frustrating to me if my husband had much less of a work schedule than I did and while I was busting my butt, he was fishing all the time or resentful about helping out around the house. That is like if I were to resent taking care of our home and kids while my husband is at work. There IS plenty to be done. I'm not sure if constantly resenting being a grown up is productive for this young man struggling to overcome addiction. I looked up his posts and the struggle is ongoing and recent. Very recent. And there is an ongoing issue besides subs with Xanax. There is still pretty strong addiction elements here.
I encourage the poster to seek true treatment inhouse for Xanax and to hopefully also subs. Sub therapy is an alternative but as you recently used again, it has its flaws.
I am not sure this marriage can be saved or should be. ??? But there are several dysfunctional elements here on the part of the poster and his wife. Both of them seem toxic to the other. And when living with someone who uses drugs, you do get exceedingly fed up with that person. I would imagine she has threatened to leave him over it.
luck to the poster.
It would be super frustrating to me if my husband had much less of a work schedule than I did and while I was busting my butt, he was fishing all the time or resentful about helping out around the house. That is like if I were to resent taking care of our home and kids while my husband is at work. There IS plenty to be done. I'm not sure if constantly resenting being a grown up is productive for this young man struggling to overcome addiction. I looked up his posts and the struggle is ongoing and recent. Very recent. And there is an ongoing issue besides subs with Xanax. There is still pretty strong addiction elements here.
I encourage the poster to seek true treatment inhouse for Xanax and to hopefully also subs. Sub therapy is an alternative but as you recently used again, it has its flaws.
I am not sure this marriage can be saved or should be. ??? But there are several dysfunctional elements here on the part of the poster and his wife. Both of them seem toxic to the other. And when living with someone who uses drugs, you do get exceedingly fed up with that person. I would imagine she has threatened to leave him over it.
luck to the poster.
she's already agreed to go, and just now realized there's not gonna be any air conditioning so after yelling at me over the phone for 45 minutes while I'm at work
SERIOUSLY? This would be my "deal breaker" and i would insist that she get some therapy on anger issues or I would walk. that's just me.
If you were to yell at her for 45 minutes because of any reason, i would say you need anger management help.
and NO i don't think that you should quit doing the things that you love with your buddies on your days off, the fact is that you don't have kids, i don't know if you have talked about kids or not.
If you do have kids, or if you're planning to have kids, then i would say that you should plan on not having as much time to yourself on your days off, (but i gather you know that and it doesn't really need to be said.)
if you've chosen to be married, without kids, i don't see a problem with you continuing your regular outings with friends on your days off
not on her days off mind you, if you are off together, i would hope that you would want to spend them together , but not if you're being YELLED AT CONSTANTLY
the thing is this, you have chosen a career, and have the benefits and the downside. (48 hours off, not as much $ as your wife). That's your choice. it might be the reason why you chose to be a firefighter in the first place. She accepted you when you got together. Why should she not now?
the choices she is making are for herself. The fact that you do your best to make sure you help out around the house, by doing laundry etc is great
but i really don't think it's going to do either of you any good for you to run when she whistles... by the sounds of it she doesn't even appreciate it
The person that i see as being unreasonable here is the one that yells like a banshee
now i'm not sure how you handle yourself. but if you are laid back and are not a screamer by nature, it seems you may be happier with someone who is more laid back, like yourself.
If it were me, there would be no amount of money, or rise in living accommodations that would have me accept unreasonable aggression.
SERIOUSLY? This would be my "deal breaker" and i would insist that she get some therapy on anger issues or I would walk. that's just me.
If you were to yell at her for 45 minutes because of any reason, i would say you need anger management help.
and NO i don't think that you should quit doing the things that you love with your buddies on your days off, the fact is that you don't have kids, i don't know if you have talked about kids or not.
If you do have kids, or if you're planning to have kids, then i would say that you should plan on not having as much time to yourself on your days off, (but i gather you know that and it doesn't really need to be said.)
if you've chosen to be married, without kids, i don't see a problem with you continuing your regular outings with friends on your days off
not on her days off mind you, if you are off together, i would hope that you would want to spend them together , but not if you're being YELLED AT CONSTANTLY
the thing is this, you have chosen a career, and have the benefits and the downside. (48 hours off, not as much $ as your wife). That's your choice. it might be the reason why you chose to be a firefighter in the first place. She accepted you when you got together. Why should she not now?
the choices she is making are for herself. The fact that you do your best to make sure you help out around the house, by doing laundry etc is great
but i really don't think it's going to do either of you any good for you to run when she whistles... by the sounds of it she doesn't even appreciate it
The person that i see as being unreasonable here is the one that yells like a banshee
now i'm not sure how you handle yourself. but if you are laid back and are not a screamer by nature, it seems you may be happier with someone who is more laid back, like yourself.
If it were me, there would be no amount of money, or rise in living accommodations that would have me accept unreasonable aggression.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Are you meaning for marriage counseling or individual counseling?
I take it you are feeling unsupported here and I apologize for that. That is not my intent. I actually do want to try to help you. I'm just not sure how to do it if the expectation is that SHE change. She's not writing us for advice so I have to focus on the one who is writing that they are unhappy. Looking at what YOU can do is realistic. And I really do believe and in fact have seen it work in my own marriage of 15 years (together 18) that change starts with one person. Then the other can sometimes follow. They often do. I can't make my husband make a change . . . but if I change myself and he really does often try to work on things too.
Communication is so key. Basically you have said that you love her but that she works hours opposite of yours and that you are expected to do chores you don't want to do while she is at work. Now, I'm older than you and really, chores are an every day occurrence at our house (add kids in and it's 24/7!!). I wonder if it is the expectations of what you do or the way she talks to you about it. That the way she is communicating with you is rubbing you the wrong way?? Can she learn a different way? Can you work more of a compromise---- chores for half the day, go golfing and head back for a quick bite to eat with her?
What about the schedule. she's in school and working. She won't be in school forever. That is temporary so you have to get through that part. And what happens with my firefighter friend and wife is that he's off on days she works and works days she is off as she has a more traditional schedule and he is that one on, two off schedule. That is hard. Wonder if on a day off that you both have, if you could plan something for a couple of hours (not a whole day but a 'date') that you'd both enjoy??
And if you were talking about a marriage counselor, I do think they are really helpful to improve communication skills.
I take it you are feeling unsupported here and I apologize for that. That is not my intent. I actually do want to try to help you. I'm just not sure how to do it if the expectation is that SHE change. She's not writing us for advice so I have to focus on the one who is writing that they are unhappy. Looking at what YOU can do is realistic. And I really do believe and in fact have seen it work in my own marriage of 15 years (together 18) that change starts with one person. Then the other can sometimes follow. They often do. I can't make my husband make a change . . . but if I change myself and he really does often try to work on things too.
Communication is so key. Basically you have said that you love her but that she works hours opposite of yours and that you are expected to do chores you don't want to do while she is at work. Now, I'm older than you and really, chores are an every day occurrence at our house (add kids in and it's 24/7!!). I wonder if it is the expectations of what you do or the way she talks to you about it. That the way she is communicating with you is rubbing you the wrong way?? Can she learn a different way? Can you work more of a compromise---- chores for half the day, go golfing and head back for a quick bite to eat with her?
What about the schedule. she's in school and working. She won't be in school forever. That is temporary so you have to get through that part. And what happens with my firefighter friend and wife is that he's off on days she works and works days she is off as she has a more traditional schedule and he is that one on, two off schedule. That is hard. Wonder if on a day off that you both have, if you could plan something for a couple of hours (not a whole day but a 'date') that you'd both enjoy??
And if you were talking about a marriage counselor, I do think they are really helpful to improve communication skills.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I want you to know that I'm empathetic to addiction and know it is such a hard thing to overcome. I'm glad you've made progress to wean down to the subs. But what I'm really worried about is the way you view things. Defensive, blaming and unable to really dig deep and see what role you've played in the demise of your life.
Understanding that marital issues are often a two person dilemma. When I read what you have written here (which is all I have to go one) in an unbiased way, just taking in the facts as you state them, I'm left feeling like your wife has some issues and you have some issues. You are quick to discuss hers and minimize your own. Focusing on your own is really the key to things improving.
Think about a couple of things--- she isn't doing anything awful here . . . she's working hard to better the lifestyle of the two of you as a married couple. She may be a bit bossier in her tone and such and that is something for her to work on but I would also imagine that she is under a bit of stress working and obtaining a degree such as nurse practitioner. As I mentioned, my good friend's husband is a fire fighter and he has a schedule like yours. When he's off work, he's just off. When he's working, he has days that are long and many that are pretty uneventful. It is hard on her to have him just OFF when she still has to work. Now he works a side job of home improvement on his off days to help contribute to the family expenses. But he does all their cooking, cleaning and yard work because he's home. Not because his wife makes a big deal about it but because she is working outside the home and he is at home. A lot more than she is. You view it as walking HER dogs, making HER food, doing HER laundry as opposed to a team effort to support one another.
You sound like you should have perhaps remained single. You don't like answering to another. I get it, she may approach it all wrong. But she's stuck around through your addiction when many wouldn't have (me). I left someone I loved due to addiction issues because as I said, that is a deal breaker for me.
And something to remember about addiction is that perhaps you refrain from your drug of choice, but unless you've sought emotional support and psychological help, the addiction can shift to something else. And often does. I'm worried about how you are phrasing things here and hope it is just because we didn't give you warm and fuzzy and it put you on edge. (not because I put you on edge but just because you are definitely defensive and resentful and am thinking that is just in response to reading comments that are not easy to take).
I'm not trying to knock you or put you down. I honestly hope the best for you and that if you DO love her, understand that change starts with you. If she wants to change things, it starts with her. You cant control her, just yourself. So, you have to focus on what you can control. If you feel she is unfair in her expectations, how do you communicate that to her?
Understanding that marital issues are often a two person dilemma. When I read what you have written here (which is all I have to go one) in an unbiased way, just taking in the facts as you state them, I'm left feeling like your wife has some issues and you have some issues. You are quick to discuss hers and minimize your own. Focusing on your own is really the key to things improving.
Think about a couple of things--- she isn't doing anything awful here . . . she's working hard to better the lifestyle of the two of you as a married couple. She may be a bit bossier in her tone and such and that is something for her to work on but I would also imagine that she is under a bit of stress working and obtaining a degree such as nurse practitioner. As I mentioned, my good friend's husband is a fire fighter and he has a schedule like yours. When he's off work, he's just off. When he's working, he has days that are long and many that are pretty uneventful. It is hard on her to have him just OFF when she still has to work. Now he works a side job of home improvement on his off days to help contribute to the family expenses. But he does all their cooking, cleaning and yard work because he's home. Not because his wife makes a big deal about it but because she is working outside the home and he is at home. A lot more than she is. You view it as walking HER dogs, making HER food, doing HER laundry as opposed to a team effort to support one another.
You sound like you should have perhaps remained single. You don't like answering to another. I get it, she may approach it all wrong. But she's stuck around through your addiction when many wouldn't have (me). I left someone I loved due to addiction issues because as I said, that is a deal breaker for me.
And something to remember about addiction is that perhaps you refrain from your drug of choice, but unless you've sought emotional support and psychological help, the addiction can shift to something else. And often does. I'm worried about how you are phrasing things here and hope it is just because we didn't give you warm and fuzzy and it put you on edge. (not because I put you on edge but just because you are definitely defensive and resentful and am thinking that is just in response to reading comments that are not easy to take).
I'm not trying to knock you or put you down. I honestly hope the best for you and that if you DO love her, understand that change starts with you. If she wants to change things, it starts with her. You cant control her, just yourself. So, you have to focus on what you can control. If you feel she is unfair in her expectations, how do you communicate that to her?
Except dealing with the resentment in a mature way. You have to deal with that, you're angry at your wife enough to write detailed lists of complaints on a website. Talk it out with someone. It helps a ton.
Look, I'm not saying your wife is perfect, but it really sounds like you two both have issues. You with her seeming to lord it over you regarding her superior earning power (which is how you see it whether or not it's happening) and her being mad at you for not spending time with her. Take on YOUR issues and you will change the dynamic. Change the dynamic, and she will take on her issues. You can't change her but you can change you. Sulking and mentally chalking up points against her and saying she fooled you into marrying her and claiming everything is her fault and nothing is your fault, that's just not going to be right. Relationships are the product of both people's input. You want it to change? Change your input. But not by sulking and withholding and holding grudges. A counselor would do a lot for you here.
Look, I'm not saying your wife is perfect, but it really sounds like you two both have issues. You with her seeming to lord it over you regarding her superior earning power (which is how you see it whether or not it's happening) and her being mad at you for not spending time with her. Take on YOUR issues and you will change the dynamic. Change the dynamic, and she will take on her issues. You can't change her but you can change you. Sulking and mentally chalking up points against her and saying she fooled you into marrying her and claiming everything is her fault and nothing is your fault, that's just not going to be right. Relationships are the product of both people's input. You want it to change? Change your input. But not by sulking and withholding and holding grudges. A counselor would do a lot for you here.
I'm doing great, myself honestly. I know eventually I'll have to come off the subs, but since I don't get high on them the risk reward system in my brain is supposedly healing. So I'm doing exactly what I'm supposed to do.
See a counselor yourself. Fix yourself. Then you can determine what to do about the marriage.
Wow yall are rough I'm not suprised though. To clear things up when I say clean-ish I mean I take suboxone a drug that doesn't get you high, to keep me from getting terribly sick. Narcotics anonymous doesn't count it as clean even though i haven't gotten high in months. do love my wife I was just very angry when I posted this. Somtimes we have great days. You all say that it must be me, and can't seem to imagine that she'd be wrong. I bend over backwards to make her life easier. I realize I talked alot about not getting to go fishing, well guess what I haven't been fishing in about 4 months I am by no means claiming sainthood here, but come on throw me a bone. This is a typical day I get home at 8 am after being awake for somtimes 26 hours straight at that point, and I do her laundry because she wakes up at 2 pm to go into work at 4 and then gets off at 2am. So I spend all day cleaning up after her dogs, preparing her meals, and doing her laundry so she can get 12 hours of sleep a day. All for the pleasure of her company for 30 minutes. It's not always this way, but that's the typical day. She can't be bothered to call a counselor over HER trust issues. Also anyone can develop a problem at any time, I hope none of you ever know what it's like, but don't think you're insusceptible to addiction. The very idea that you would just bail on someone because they were dealing with a real life issue speaks volumes of your mindsets. Especially if you fell into the way I did. I have 2 doctors who want to do surgery on my back but I'm holding off because I'm 28 and often times these surgeries cause more problems than they solve, and I'm going to be needing my back for the rest of my life. I do love my wife, and I know she loves me to, but she has a terrible way of showing it sometimes. She's extremely type a and I'm a little more chill so she likes to boss me around especially since she started tripling my income.
"So a little sarcasm in the title, I feel like I was totally fooled into getting married by a woman who claimed she never wanted to get married again (she was married previously from 19-23). Her ex husband said she was mean and controlling so he cheated on her."..................Well, frankly you choosing to be "sarcastic" when your marriage is crumbling says A LOT about you. You are NO VICTIM here.
Support goes both ways meaning maybe she isn't supporting you because YOU aren't supporting her. Working and further pursuing her education isn't easy. You expect her to be your cheerleader when you have had difficulties when she asked you to be there for her, but instead you call her "controlling" when your time boating and fishing with buddies is interrupted because she ask you to be there for her.
"The Reverend said our problems were a bit much for her to handle so she gave my wife the name and number of a counselor who could help, and it's just like she's not interested it's been months and she hasn't called every day I tell her to just call. So either she is perfectly happy making me miserable, and is faking her unhappiness. It's the only logical conclusion I can arrive at."........................Are you serious? Why don't YOU call the counselor being you are the one who has MORE free time to do so? If you are concerned about your marriage you would do this.
YOU need to get yourself into therapy ASAP, not just for your marriage, but also for your addiction issues.
In my opinion sounds like you need to take care of you and forget about this marriage. The majority of your post indicates you are more interested in painting her black and NOT once did I see any words indicating that you LOVE her.
Do her and yourself a favor and end this.
Personally, any addiction would be a deal breaker for me.........that's me.
Ditto AB and SM...........excellent points and insight.
Support goes both ways meaning maybe she isn't supporting you because YOU aren't supporting her. Working and further pursuing her education isn't easy. You expect her to be your cheerleader when you have had difficulties when she asked you to be there for her, but instead you call her "controlling" when your time boating and fishing with buddies is interrupted because she ask you to be there for her.
"The Reverend said our problems were a bit much for her to handle so she gave my wife the name and number of a counselor who could help, and it's just like she's not interested it's been months and she hasn't called every day I tell her to just call. So either she is perfectly happy making me miserable, and is faking her unhappiness. It's the only logical conclusion I can arrive at."........................Are you serious? Why don't YOU call the counselor being you are the one who has MORE free time to do so? If you are concerned about your marriage you would do this.
YOU need to get yourself into therapy ASAP, not just for your marriage, but also for your addiction issues.
In my opinion sounds like you need to take care of you and forget about this marriage. The majority of your post indicates you are more interested in painting her black and NOT once did I see any words indicating that you LOVE her.
Do her and yourself a favor and end this.
Personally, any addiction would be a deal breaker for me.........that's me.
Ditto AB and SM...........excellent points and insight.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I want to say on the issue of your drug addiction, hopefully you've managed that in an appropriate way. Blaming others is addict behavior. Using drugs and saying it is the only way to not be miserable as if the misery is other's fault and as if your drug addiction is someone else's fault is very addict behavior. I would guess you never did anything formally to address the addiction. You use the word 'clean-ish' which would be a very big problem for me if I were your wife. Drug addiction and to narcotics is very serious and requires the help of professionals. At the very least, you need to seek help with a counselor which will be hard for you because they will not allow you to blame your wife for the problems you have in your life. They will look squarely at you and expect you to change them. If your wife were out of the picture--- you'd still be semi addicted (maybe currently using less) pain pills and going out fishing and goofing off two days after one of work, disconnected from anything but enjoying yourself.
That's just being honest.
I don't want you to think I'm not empathetic. Addiction is a powerful disease. It creates distorted thinking. You will have trouble understanding where we are coming from here because you still are behaving like an addict in terms of the blame game.
I'm not necessarily optimistic Anniebrooke about this. I have deal breakers and addiction is one of them. I imagine this relationship is very painful for his wife. I also feel that many in these types of relationships can't make it work and it is better to pull off the band aid. You can not make something work with someone who thinks the other is always the problem rather than looking inward.
luck to the poster. I hope things get better in your life regardless of the wife.
That's just being honest.
I don't want you to think I'm not empathetic. Addiction is a powerful disease. It creates distorted thinking. You will have trouble understanding where we are coming from here because you still are behaving like an addict in terms of the blame game.
I'm not necessarily optimistic Anniebrooke about this. I have deal breakers and addiction is one of them. I imagine this relationship is very painful for his wife. I also feel that many in these types of relationships can't make it work and it is better to pull off the band aid. You can not make something work with someone who thinks the other is always the problem rather than looking inward.
luck to the poster. I hope things get better in your life regardless of the wife.
I think you both sound young, especially you, and that maybe you should stop blaming her and take some responsibility. Get counseling (you, not her) and get your head straight on why you justify things like drug use and calling your wife controlling and pointing out all her flaws while glossing over yours. You're acting like the world's biggest victim here, and that does not sound very accountable or adult. Two people make the relationship.
In your shoes, I would just decide to fix myself. If you do this, perhaps you can start to fix your tendency to blame her for everything. At the least, this will prevent your next marriage from being a mess. I'm way more cynical than specialmom, who believes in saving marriages -- you sound so angry at her about all of your unmet expectations that you will never be happy in this marriage.
Most urgent, whether you decide to try to save it or to call it -- don't have any more sex, you do not need a baby in this mix.
In your shoes, I would just decide to fix myself. If you do this, perhaps you can start to fix your tendency to blame her for everything. At the least, this will prevent your next marriage from being a mess. I'm way more cynical than specialmom, who believes in saving marriages -- you sound so angry at her about all of your unmet expectations that you will never be happy in this marriage.
Most urgent, whether you decide to try to save it or to call it -- don't have any more sex, you do not need a baby in this mix.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Whew, that was long. Sir, she sounds like she is working really hard and wanted support from you. I get that you like your leisure time and perhaps because of your different from most schedule of 24 on/48 off--- you are not accustomed to a normal work week. I have a friend that has a husband that works this schedule and it is very hard on them because she works a 'normal' job and he has a ton of free time.
You don't have to stay in a marriage that you are unhappy with but you brought your own 'stuff' into this as well and should recognize that.
When I married, my husband gave up many things to be a family man. He used to play softball, basketball and golf. Well, that didn't really fit with our family needs. He gave them up to spend time with family. He can do them occasionally but altering his schedule to be PRESENT for us was a sacrifice he wanted to make in order to have a stable unit/family.
You complain about her being controlling but I see your expectations also being pretty clear that you would like HER to be a different way and doing things your way. No, she shouldn't yell at you. I totally agree but I would guess that she has a list of complaints about you as well. Marriage is a team sport and you seem equally like you are on your own team as she is on hers. She expects you to be a family man/partner. You still want to fish all day when you have time off of work. :>)
Just being honest. This problem is such that I think both of you have work to do. good luck
You don't have to stay in a marriage that you are unhappy with but you brought your own 'stuff' into this as well and should recognize that.
When I married, my husband gave up many things to be a family man. He used to play softball, basketball and golf. Well, that didn't really fit with our family needs. He gave them up to spend time with family. He can do them occasionally but altering his schedule to be PRESENT for us was a sacrifice he wanted to make in order to have a stable unit/family.
You complain about her being controlling but I see your expectations also being pretty clear that you would like HER to be a different way and doing things your way. No, she shouldn't yell at you. I totally agree but I would guess that she has a list of complaints about you as well. Marriage is a team sport and you seem equally like you are on your own team as she is on hers. She expects you to be a family man/partner. You still want to fish all day when you have time off of work. :>)
Just being honest. This problem is such that I think both of you have work to do. good luck
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