mother in law from hell!! HELP!!

my mother in law is trying to make my three month old hate me!! She's been pushing me to go back to work against mu husbands wishes. My son is refusing all bottle formula or otherwise. i come home and naturally i wanna spend time with my son and she wants to rip out of my arms! she tells me one thing and my husband another trying to cause problems between the two of us! when i try to mention it to him he gets mad at me as if im being evil for thinking that.
   also she tries to feed my son whom just turned three months table food!!
wants to constantly carry him and always telling me i think i know it all but she knows more than i do!!

[Londres70]

Are you and your husband living with her?  

[AnnieBrooke]

I don't see why you simply can't walk away with your child if she is trying to "rip him out of your arms."  Are you saying she is getting physical about it, or do you just resist having her take the baby emotionally?

No baby at 3 months should be given table food, they do not have the ability to swallow it without gagging.

I think you would get farther with your husband if you simply described what your mother-in-law does, without the overly dramatic interpretive remarks.  Saying "She tells me I am doing things wrong" is one thing, saying "Your mother is trying to make the baby hate me!!" is entirely another, it makes you sound paranoid.

[rebi25]

she's visiting us for a month to help me but instead, i find myself cleaning up after her more often than my 4 year old!!

[rebi25]

ok she is not physically trying to rip him from my arms but constantly telling me, give him to her as soon as i pick him up or if he is sitting in his swing and i try to get his attention to play with him, she'll suddenly stop what she is doing and speak louder telling him to look at grandma as if to say"no look at me more" or "love me more"!
       At first i thought i was being paranoid but its just getting way out of hand!  everytime he's in my arms she cant take her eyes off of me and if i change him she's hovering over me talking to him. I'm missing him soo  much and i feel like im not getting enough time with him. and as far as help, she is no help because when i came home from work(first day back) both my kids were a mess!! my son had the pj's he slept in the night before and so did my daughter!! I came home to a messy home, sink full of dishes and everything from dirty diapers to toys and clothes all over the floors!! After nursing my son i began cleaning and she tells me to leave it that she would do it so i did, only to wake up the next morning to the same dirty dishes and an even bigger mess. So i had my coffee, rolled up my sleeves and began cleaning and geting my home back in order, got ready and went to work!! I'm hating her more and more every day and i do not like feeling that way!!

[rebi25]

i forgot to mention that i took my son with me to work today so that was great! Hard but great.

[Londres70]

Well....you definitely have your hands full.  This is a common problem unfortunately.  She is probably just super happy to see her grandchildren.   She probably feels since she is older she is wiser about matters of child rearing and you should learn from her, HOWEVER, she does need to keep in mind you and your husband should have the last word about what happens in regards to your children and that she is a VISITOR in your home.  

A month isn't too long dear.  Thank your lucky stars she doesn't live with you all.  How much longer is she there?  

Definitely DON'T badmouth his mother.  Remember, this is his mother.  If you do talk with him about her don't talk as if it is "her vs. you" or "you vs. her."  Try just discussing the problem without being too dramatic or emotional.  Discuss the problem stating only the facts of the matter.  In my opinion, most men respond better to the facts of the matter vs. emotions of the matter in these situations.  You might want to talk about this more in depth with your husband AFTER she leaves.  

Have you ever tried bonding with her one on one?  Just you and her talking over a cup of coffee?  

Perhaps you can present her a daily schedule of how you want things in YOUR home done, i.e. children fed @9am, playtime with the children @10am, nap@12 noon, clothing change if clothes become soiled with food, etc.   It would be something simply written on paper that she could follow with instructions.  

Remember, she doesn't see her grandchildren on a daily basis throughout the year, so that might be why she is so super clingy with them.  Let her enjoy the time holding them.  Look at it this way.....you get to spend more time with them than her.  

[nursegirl6572]

I couldn't agree with Londres more.  While I'm sure it's a frustrating situation, to be honest, you're overdramatizing it a bit, which will only fuel the fire.  For instance, saying she's turning your 3 month old baby against you, and ripping him out of your arms, etc...that's a bit over the top.  You're letting your emotions get the best of you.

I agree with Londres that this is very typical MIL behavior.  Believe it or not, she actually thinks she's being helpful.  Just let her ooh and ahh and spoil the baby, it's only for a short term, and I promise your baby won't stop loving you.

As for bigger things, like the table food, boundaries will have to be set there.  She's probably going to tell you that's what she did, which is fine, you can just gently explain that you and your hubby don't feel comfortable with that.

Things will go much better if you can just bite your tongue a bit.  You know the saying, "pick your battles?"  I can guarantee most of the stuff that is bothering you is NOT worth getting into it with her about, or fussing at your husband about.  Sometimes, we just have to grin and bear it....for the sake of keeping peace.  Like taking your baby to work...there's no need to do that, and if you did that to be a little spiteful, that's not helping anything.  LET her watch the baby!  That's a good thing!  Don't turn this into a competition.

It won't be long, and she'll be leaving.  Hang in there!!

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Well, I think I have a little different view than the others.  While you are dramatizing it a bit---  I aso think this woman is driving you insane.  I had a mother in law like this who wanted to come and stay with me after my first child was born.  Gues what I did?  I said No thank you.  I knew that she would push my buttons and get on my nerves and that is a special time in which I knew I'd already be hormonal and didn't need her sending me over the edge.  So, I'd have said no to her coming and I certainly wouldn't have agreed to a month.  Anyway, you can nicely tell the babies dad that you are feeling frustrated and think at this point you are managing well with this baby and are thinking she can cut her visit short??  

Now, she isn't making your 3 month old hate you by the way.  Babies love thier mama's and you are the mama.  If you aren't going to ask her to leave early, then realize that this is short term and she'll be gone soon enough.

And what you can do is draw the  boundary while she is there.  You can say "thank you but ya know, I'm the mother and I"m doing just fine.  I'm going to do it this way."  and "do not feed her table food. PERIOD."  You ARE the mother and you need HER to respect you and your authority over this baby.  

good luck

[rebi25]

Im sure i let my emotions get in the way but its so hard not to sometimes when it comes to your babies. Either way i'm thankful for all of the advice and am trying my best to grin and bare it while setting boundries. I'm very happy to report that my hubby stuck up for me tonight letting her know that she may not like the way i do things but he knows that what i do for my kids are the right things and the way they should be done! He also told her things have changed a lot from when she was raising her kids! I feel like a weight has been lifted and having him do that makes it easier for me to deal with her better while she's here. thanks to all of your advice.  Jan 5th doesnt seem so far away anymore :)

[nursegirl6572]

That's great!

If there are any visits in the future, definitely shorten them!  LOL  I couldn't handle my MIL for a month straight.  When I had my daughter (she's 14 now), my MIL lived a few blocks away.  She would stop in almost every day...and she nit picked about EVERYTHING, the bottles I was using, the way I held her, the fact that I didn't have a rocking chair, her napping schedule...you name it.  OH Lord....I was out of my mind!

I quickly learned how to bite my tongue, smile and be gracious.  Certain things, I would stand my ground, and she got the message.  In the end, I did realize she WAS only trying to help, her intentions were good...she was just way overbearing.  I remember those days well, so I can comiserate with you.  Every time I saw her car in the driveway, I would cringe.  :0(

On the other hand, I had a rough recovery (very traumatic labor and deliver, ended up having blood transfusions, and had suffered a 4th degree  tear)...it was awful.  She DID help me with a lot.  I couldn't drive anywhere, so she picked up everything from sports bras to formula and dinner for me.  I had to just sort of accept the bad with the good.

Like I said...pick your battles carefully.  I'm glad to hear your hubby spoke up, that's probably the best approach.  Hopefully, that's all it will take!  Congrats on your new bundle of joy...the best to you!

[AnnieBrooke]

A hubby like that, who will stick up for you to his OWN MOTHER, deserves lots of sex.  lol

[AnnieBrooke]

ps -- When she's gone.

... I think I sense the beginning of a plan to persuade hubby to get her to leave early.

[Londres70]

Good for your hubby sticking up for you......that's a start.  

Hang in there dear.

And in the future shorten the stays to a couple of weeks.  

[rebi25]

Hopefully her next visit will not be any time in the near future! :D
@ Annie, yes i think he does deserve some sex but lets not get carried away with the LOTS part!! lol

[AnnieBrooke]

I would be very proud to have a hubby who stuck up for me in the face of a determined mom.