mother of 6 year old autistic , depressed and longing for ex

[sado1]

iam a 30 year old mother of a mildly autistic boy and a 2 year old girl. iam not married to my partner. his never really asked me to marry him but he recently told me his ready to do so. i think his decision was due to  the fact that i kept hounding him about it. so finally after 6 years together , his finally made up his mind , although i havent got a proposal yet.funny thing is that now am not so sure whether i should marry him. the thing is , i used to live in australia and just before i left for london i met the most charming man. he was 10 years older than me and a divorcee. we were together for a short while before i moved to the uk to pursue a medical degree. and i must say it was the happiest time ive been with any man.we promised to keep in touch, which we did, although i had my doubts about the relationship. i wasnt sure whether it was just a fling as we hadnt known each other for long. after i left we would talk  alot over the phone and he would tell me he had slept with some women which confused me even more.  considering that i was miles away taking a course which would take 5 years to complete, made me think it wouldnt work. would he be willing to wait for me?  he said he would  but i still doubted.so because of this i dated a few guys ,nothing serious and met my present partner. i got pregnant about 2 months after meeting him, very fast, which was really stupid of me and struggled with my medical degree. i ended up doing another science degree thus ending my chances of being a doctor. very depressing. i had to stay with my partner because my parents went through a divorce and i was brought up with my dad and step mum  who emotionally abused me and my sisters . to this day it still depresses me and i have nightmares about being young again. so i always said when i have children i'll stay with their father. after i had my son , my ex in australia was willing to still have me and asked me to move back there and move in with him. when i thought of leaving my partner i got pregnant with my daugther. this made me decide to stay. i was still in contact with my ex and he sent me a text telling me that he really had strong feelings for me. i never replied and told him how i really felt as i was afraid and confused about what to do. my daugther is now 2 years and i cant stop thinking about him. he has met an english woman whom he says he is going to marry and recently i stupidly sent him a text message saying i love him to which he never replied. now  hes  not answering my calls, not sure if his number is disconnected. this has left me very depressed and made me realise that i would rather be with him than my present partner. as he has met someone i dont think he'll want to be with me. all in all i wouldnt want to be in this present relationship if it wasnt for my kids.so should i leave my present partner although he is a good dad and gives me loads of support  with my son  as he is autistic and i have no family or friends whom i can  rely on . if i stay my kids  will get the love and support from both parents but i'll be miserable as i know deep down inside me , i am with him for the sake of the kids. i never imagined i'd be a single parent  with a disabled child. what should i do?

[sweetpea03]

If you are truly unhappy in this relationship, than leave him and be single, but don't leave him just to run off to another relationship. Your ex is already with someone else, so if your hope is to run off to him and be with him, that won't work. It's never healthy to jump from one relationship to the next, so if you are going to leave your current partner, then you would leave him to become a single mom. Are you truly unhappy with your current partner or are you wanting something that you can't have?

[specialmom]

Oh boy.  Well, here goes for me about to become unpopular.  You stay with these kids dad.  And if you choose to not be with the dad----  you still STAY in the same town he is in.  Yep------------  I think it would be horribly selfish to move back to Australia to be with an ex that gives you a reprieve now and then from your real life (which is what he is basically doing right now).  

I've got two kids with my oldest having a developmental delay.  I would no sooner uproot him from his life than I'd shoot myself.  A child with autism needs routine.  That is what they thrive on.  And with autism---- no matter where on the spectrum, relationships are difficult.  His bio father HAS to be in his life.  You just can't think of moving these kids away from someone you describe as a "good" dad.  Especially when there is a child with challenges involved.

Now, do you think that your child's issues could be causing you some depression?  I ask that because I went through a difficult time myself with the diagnosis of my son.  It is still hard at time.  A family that parents a child that has special needs goes through stress that is unlike the normal stress of raising a kid.  It hurts your heart in different ways, makes you feel inadequate, and demands even more attention than the average parent child relationship.  Many relationships do not survive a diagnosis such as autism because of parents having a rough time dealing with it (among other reasons associated with it).  So, could depression be playing a role in your present state of mind?  Also, you dropped your intention of becoming a doctor.  Well, that IS a lot when you have two kids to go to med school and work the long hours associated with training.  Such is life.  But down the road-------- perhaps you can pursue a medical degree.  Who knows?>  In the US, a physician with life experience is valued and we do have some of older age entering the profession.  Maybe down the road you can revisit your goals.  

Anyway, as to this relationship-------------  you give no reason of which to break up.  I think since you have had two kids with this man--------- you should ask to do counseling.  Telll him you want to make the relationship better.  Then try to make it better.  Look for reasons to love him rather than to not.  

And forget about the guy in Australia.  You've got kids now to think of.  And it would not be in their best interest to move around the world to move into an old flame's place away from the life they've known and their father.  

There is TRUE honor in putting our flesh and blood before ourselves.  good luck

[specialmom]

Oh, and I think the longing for your ex has to do with your unhappiness/depression/ etc. verses actually longing for HIM.