My boyfriend & I been toghter for almost 2 years. We have the perfect relationship, we never fight, we love each other unconditionally, always there for each other, we always go out & have fun, we tell each other eveything. Hes my first love my eveything. We plan on getting an apartament toghter & been talking about marriage with kids. Hes perfect for me and the nicest guy i ever met. My family & friends like him. I have been so happy with him.
On friday night we got a hotel with 2 of our friends. It was a lot of fun, drinking & in the Juczzi, we alll got really drunk. Last thing i remember is we all laid on the bed and passed out after throwing up so much. I woke up at 4am i was confused where i was and how i got here lol, shortly after i remeberd we all passed out on the bed so i thought my boyfriend was next to me but i didn't feel him, so i turned the lights on and my boyfriend & friend weren't in the room. I call their cell phones and no answers so i got worried. I was scared they drove somewhere drunk. I went outside and saw his car there so i went outside to his car and found my boyfriend & friend having sex. I got so mad and shocked that i slammed the door and ran back into the room my boyfriend ran after me.
He tells me how sorry he is and that he didn't know what was going on. He said she was coming onto him which i think is true because in the jucuzzi she kept trying to touch him and he kept backing away and coming closer to me. I told him were over and he was crying he told me how much he needs me and he knows how much he screwed up and would never drink again. He would not let me leave him. He would cry and grab me if i tried to walk away, give me hugs , holding me and telling me how sorry he reallly is. I forgave him quickly because i reallly love him so much and I know he was drunk and i try to be very understanding. I know if it was the other way around i would want him to forgive me.
My "friend" i barley know. It was my 2nd time hanging out with her and i only knew her for about 2 weeks. We just started working toghter so thats how i met her. I thought she was so nice & cool to hang out with but now i know the real her. Even when she wasn't that drunk she was coming onto him, grabing him, flirting with him & at that time he wasn't drunk so he backed away from her. He has no interest her. He told me he will never talk to her again, no feelings were there and he wants nothing to do with her again. Now i know shes not a friend and i don't plan on becoming good friends with her now, but i didn't want to stay angry with her and act crazy because i do work with her so i want to be able to at least talk at work without it being akward & hating each other.
Did i make the right decision forgiving him? What would you do if you were in this situation? I need some advice.
No. Sorry, I don't let alcohol be an excuse for inexcusable things unless he checks himself into rehab. He had enough sense about him to chase after you when you caught him, right? He obviously knew what he was doing and that you, his girlfriend, might have an issue with it. If he were so drunk that he "found" himself having sex with her, it would have happened in the room you were all passed out in and they wouldn't have taken the action out to the car. So no, I would not forgive this. Your boyfriend cheated with someone right under your nose. This does not bode well for a happy future together.
This kind of drinking isn't probably a good idea. Your LOL after you all passed out after throwing up is really not a LOL for me. I don't know how old you are . . . but dumb things happen when we get wasted out of our mind . . . especially when that is the plan for the night. This is my lecture to you as a person in my 40's. Being stupid drunk is stupid. Yeah, many of us did it in our youth and we look back on it and can't believe we took so many risks. So, watch the drinking. Don't drink until you pass out/ black out. Be careful and respect yourself.
So, back to the issue at hand. Dating is for learning things about someone we need to know to see if the relationship should last. You learned a lot about your boyfriend recently and taking him back will lead to more heart ache. I honestly believe that in my heart. If my husband were smashed out of his mind . . . I have no doubt he'd NEVER consider sleeping with someone. That is trust. You'll never be able to fully trust this guy again.
Really sorry this happened as I'm sure you are quite sad about it. Peace to you. good luck
I have to agree with the person above. You made the wrong choice. "Once a cheater always a cheater" are some good words to live by. And the fact that you're asking if you made the right choice means that you have some doubts. And alcohol is never an excuse for anything :)
You are lucky, just for the fact that you discovered this before you guys had kids or got married. Not all of us are that lucky ;)
I agree with specialmom. If he and "friend" had enough sense to leave the room, go to the car, and then he chased after you...he knew what he was doing. Alcohol is NOT an excuse to cheat. If he can't handle his liquor and can't "control his behavior" then obviously he needs rehab. My dh and I have had a few nights of complete drunkenness and neither of us has EVER cheated on each other with anyone. It's NOT an excuse and honestly...I'd leave. If he's done it once...he's probably done it before.
I agree with the others. He knew exactly what he was doing, but what other excuse is he going to use other than the alcohol. Especially being caught in the act. Besides, if he was that drunk he couldnt have performed for anyone, much less get up in the middle of the night and make his way out to the car with her where they wouldnt get caught. Sounds like lots of thinking going on to me. And the way he reacted to you after being caught. Nah, alcohol is no excuse.
I def. agree with the others alcohol is NO excuse for cheating. Drunk or not he still knew he had a g/f & the fact that you were kinda close by shows that he didn't care. I'm sorry this happened to you but I think you forgave him too fast. Take it from someone who's been there you'll eventually regret your decision later on. Leave when you have the chance & find someone who's worthy of you..cause let's face it he obviously isn't.
I'm not disagreeing what anyone of you are saying, but i do believe in forgiveness, I know many people that have been cheated on and there boyfriends/fiances/husbands really have regreted what they have done and there fine toghter now. I know in his heart he loves me but that night he was thinking with his ****. I know he didn't mean to hurt me. Its the first time in 2 years. Its the first time i seen him really drunk. Hes a very hardworking guy who works 60 hours and more a week, hes not a party kind of guy. It was really just one night. I believe hes sorry.
You're making excuses for him now. It doesn't matter how drunk he was, he cheated. And obviously he wasn't THAT drunk if he had mind enough to LEAVE the room. The little things don't add up. If he "didn't realize" what he was doing he wouldn't have left the room.
I believe in forgiveness but what he did...he knew what he was doing. I also have zero tolerance for cheating. Once the spouse strays...that's it. I've seen too many of my friends and family cheated on, I've been cheated on. I have zero sympathy for cheaters and fully believe it's a deal breaker.
Anyone who says that they don't remember or didn't know what they were doing while intoxicated is lying... they remember and are aware of everything... that is to say, unless they had a total black-out, which in that case... they would've been unconscious and unable to perform.
"...now [you] know the real her"... this co-worker and so called "friend" is no friend of yours. And, now you know the real him... this so called boyfriend of yours is a drunk and a cheat.
So, did you do right by forgiving him? Time will tell. But, if I were in your situation, I wouldn't give either one of them the time of day!
I'm still standing by my original post as I think this was the first time you caught him. A man that thinks that easily (with his girlfriend THERE) with his male member . . . well, unlikely that this hasn't happened before. I mean . . . you were there for crying out loud.
I believe in forgiveness too. I forgive many things my husband does all the time. But I also believe in taking serious things seriously. As butterfly said, time will tell if you made the right decision or not but I just want more for someone than that. This will haunt you forever. Your willingness to brush it under the carpet makes me worried for you. That is the begining of a codependent relationship.
By the way, did this non thinking drunk couple (your boyfriend and friend) think to use protection?
Anyway, I'm not trying to make you feel bad for your decision. And I agree that some people come out of infidelity and can have a reasonable relationship afterwards. BUT . . . his excuse was LAME. And your saying he was just thinking with his thing is not reassuring for your future together. good luck
Hi. I just wanted to come back and say that I'm sure this is very hard for you. It must have been very painful to see your boyfriend in the act and now trying to figure out what to do in the aftermath. I think you are probably hearing a lot of negativity in these posts as you are in a vulnerable position. It is easier said than done when it comes to ending a relationship. Everyone has to come to terms with things in their own time. We can all tell you what we'd do but you are in the driver's seat for your own life. I think you've had a pretty harsh wake up call and I would be very watchful from now on. But everyone here just really wants you to have a good life with a worthy person that won't ever cheat on you no matter what the circumstances. Good luck figuring it all out and as I said, I know it is really hard.
Wow, I really have some mixed feelings about this one, and can also sympathize with you on "that night" since my youth was full of nights with all kinds of drunken disasters and mistakes made by both my boyfriends and me. First, I agree with the fact that drinking to excess is a bad idea- and drinking to excess with your bf and other girls in a jacuzzi is a REALLY bad idea. Drinking blurs the boundaries of what is appropriate and right, and allows people with bad intentions easy access to your bf and you. I can remember countless times in my teenagehood that would start out as really "fun", my bf and I and some friends, laughing and drinking... then as the night wore on, inhibitions loosened and things got kinda twisted and the evening ended with fighting and crying and people storming off. Sometimes it was hard to tell who was wrong first... in your situation it's more obvious- your bf was dead wrong. The girl? She's beside the point- she had no commitment to you and she sounds kinda skanky. You're right to be polite at work and have nothing to do with her outside of work.
I know you may have wanted to hear from people here that you definitely did the right thing to forgive your bf, and it's hard to hear otherwise. I think that you need to really look at this honestly and carefully, and ask yourself lots of questions. Has Your bf ever done anything else, before or since, to make you doubt him? Does he treat you truly well, and is he mature and reliable in your relationship? Does he binge drink, doing things he regrets whenever he does? Do you think you would be happier with him, trying to forgive him, and without him, trying to get over him? How do you feel now- are you constantly angry at him for his mistake? Do you think you can ever trust him again? Does he accept that he was at fault for his cheating, not just the girl? Do you truly believe that it has never happened any other time, and will never happened again?
In order to make your decision wisely, you need to know that you would be fine without him. I made many relationship choices out of fear of being alone- that is never good. If you can separate for a week or so, to give yourself time to see how you feel without him, that would be good. If you won't separate from him for fear that he will cheat again, you have your answer- leave him for good because you wil go crazy trying to watch him all the time. The thing is, forgiveness is possible, although it takes time. You need to figure out if it's worth it. You are young and not married and have no children- if you are going to end it, now is the time. People forgive each other for cheating- some people forgive their partners for longtime, calculated affairs, where they weere lied to and betrayed every day for a long time. So of course you can get past this if you choose to. If you decide to stay, think hard about what you need your bf to do to help you heal. No more drinking is a nobrainer! But think of other things he can do to make you feel more secure. If he wants it to work, he will put all he has into this. If not, again, there's your cue to walk. There's no right or wrong in this situation, just what you want to do.
Best of luck :)
I have to strongly disagree with some comments, "Once a cheater always a cheater" is not true, it is not even close to being true. Sometimes things happen 1 time and never happen again, to error is human, to make that mistake again and again is possible but it does not mean because someone cheated once it does not mean that they will always cheat or even cheat again.
And at times when people are drunk they do not know what exactly they are doing. I say this from personal experience. When I was in college I would be drinking every weekend and a least 1 night if not both nights I would black out. I was able to perform fine with women and a couple of times I don't even remember most of the sex it's self. I can only remember bits and pieces of the night with the woman and for the most part none of the sex.
But with that being said it is clear that he had enough sense to leave the room with her and have sex. It might have been her idea to go outside and into the car but he was aware enough to know what he was doing. And he knew enough to run after you. So he can blame some of his stupidity on drinking because if he was sober chances are he would not have been in that situation. But he does need to say that he did make a mistake and everything that went on was not because of drinking because in your head you know what goes on and what happens when you are drunk. Example I had a gf for a little while we both went to different schools pretty far apart, she came up with the idea that we were "together" but could see other people but no sex. Well being a guy I was not really down with that so after she told me about her idea I went out drinking hooked up with a girl and had sex with her. Yes I was drunk but knew exactly what I was doing. So if I had been sober I would not have been in that bar hitting on that girl but I was drunk and did do those things. So drinking can take some blame for it but again I knew exactly what I was doing.
I am also a big believer in forgiveness, not forgetting but forgiving. Mistakes do happen and if the person is willing to accept what they have done and make changes to there life to show that they will not make that same mistake again then forgiveness is not a bad option. You might not be able to be with him even if you forgive him, but that is something you will have to find out for yourself.
Hm. Good points Vance. I will say though that I view dating as an important period of "information gathering." I'm also self protective and when I was choosing a mate, I looked for someone that would be the best choice. I can honestly say that in the dating process I would not overlook my boyfriend getting drunk with me and while I was passed out, his stepping out to the car to do another girl. That would probably bring it to an end. I mean, if he wanted to have sex so bad . . . his girlfriend was right there . . .
I've known many a woman and man who has made it work after an episode of infidelity. It's pretty hard though and it takes a long time to heal after it. Often a problem with one or both people needs to be addressed as well.
I believe in forgiveness but I also believe in making good choices about who we are with. Especially before we are married with kids. I think we all come to the same point in the end, that we wish this young lady well and hope that it all works out for her. All with our own opinions just meant to help.
I understand that you are in a really tough place right now. I say this as someone who is also currently going through being cheated on. I don't know if I believe in the "once a cheater, always a cheater" saying because I know I have seen instances where a person has cheated, confessed, got help and the couple worked through their problems.
With that being said, I realize that once that happens, the couple has to work really hard to get their relationship back on track and that means talking, counseling, whatever you have to do. I don't think you should just forgive him so quickly because he says he was "drunk." Take if from someone who was basically inebrieated every day or every other day for years ..... being under the influence is never an excuse for cheating. You always, at least on some level, know what you are doing. Had your boyfriend NOT known what he was doing, you would have caught him doing something like this in the same room as you, or something, I really don't think I would even take that as an excuse. There is another issue here, and it is not that he was drunk.
Good luck, I know it isn't easy. It's always easier to tell someone to leave their significant other than to actually leave. Whatever decision you make, make one that will make you happy and don't worry about his feelings right now. He obviously didn't worry about yours the other night.
I think the fallout of this deed is what is going to tell the tale. Lets see what happens when, as a result of all this,when this young lady starts distrusting all other females when they are around him,even friends, or the insecurity it is going to invoke when he starts drinking in or out of her presence. Or watching his every move to see if he is looking at other girls, which he will eventually unless he goes blind. When the resentment of the betrayal starts to outweigh all those feelings of forgiveness. With all the intentions of forgiveness feels more like enabling him to do it again, and living with that thought on a daily basis, because, it worked once? Jealousy, distrust, low self image. Quite the price to pay for one night of drunken behavior. To him? No, to her. HE will also pay a price for all of these emotions and at first it will be feelings that he deserves it, then resentment at having to pay the piper for a long time to come as a result of invoking these emotions with his drunken behavior. Can the relationship stand this, long term, in the dating phase? Time will tell. That is one rollercoaster ride I would not willingly take. IMO
Ok. Some may not agree with "once a cheater, always a cheater", and that's fine. From MY life experiences, it's rung true. My biggest issue with this is that you've only been together 2 years. Marriage is supposed to be about a lifetime together (ideally). If he cheated on you 2 years in, how do you know it won't happen again? If you were married already, had kids, or had been together 5+ years, I could understand working it out. Sometimes I think people can work things out. 2 years is a short time, and you sound like you're pretty young still.
I tried working it out with one guy after cheating. I met him when I was 17, he was 25. We got along really well. Fast forward 3 years and 1 child later, I found out that he was cheating on me with a girl at his work. He begged and pleaded for another chance. Said it would never happen again. I forgave him. He cheated again. We've left it as just friends for a few years now. He cheats on every girl he's with. There was no consequence for him cheating. If there had been, maybe he wouldn't be this way now. If I had known then what I know now, I would have never taken him back.
What you do is your choice, but just think about it. 2 years isn't very long if you're planning on spending a lifetime with him ;)
Cheating is VERY difficult to get over. It's ok to forgive and want to work it out, but you have to realize it's not easy at all to move on from this. What Teko wrote is true and something you really need to think about. Once someone loses trust, it's hard to regain. In my opinion, I would say to cut your losses and move on. He had enough sense to make the decision to chase after you, so he knew exactly what he was doing. He's made up some very lame excuses and isn't taking responsibility for his actions. He absolutely needs to own up to them if you both want any chance at all for this to work out. Good luck with what ever you choose to do.
When you opened the door and found your boyfriend and the other gal having sex, he did NOT look confusedly at her and say "Oh %&#@!!!! I thought this was YOU!" or "Where am I, and what am I doing?!?" or (looking at the woman he was having sex with) "Who are YOU?" He didn't act confused. He was not passed out, he left the room with her and proceeded to have sex. He was not mistaking who he was with, he wasn't in a blackout because he leaped up and begged your forgiveness and remembered everything the next day. He didn't try to say he didn't know what he was doing, he just acted caught.
Blaming it on alcohol -- alcohol releases inhibitions, but what it does is release who is really there on the inside, not take over their body and make them do something they don't want to do. (What if it had been a guy coming on to him? Are you saying that he would have left the room with him and gotten into a car and had sex because he had had so much to drink?)
In short, please do not discount that he did this totally of his own volition. The gal's advances merely told him she was available. He was not forced in any way, even by the presence of alcohol, to accept the invitation.
I think he has destroyed your trust in fidelity in a partner for a long time, if not forever, and that is a lot to forgive.
If your fear is losing such a (surface) perfect relationship, well, please remember that if you are lovable enough for a boyfriend to be talking marriage, apartment and kids, you are lovable enough for other guys to feel that way, too. You picked a weak brother, it is not your fault, you trusted and were betrayed, but that is his problem and not yours. You have the right to be able to trust, and there are men out there who are perfectly trustworthy and their commitments can be believed.
All i can tell u is my experience, I made the same type mistake ur boyfriend made, My girl friend ,both then 18, forgave me, became my wife at 18 and 27 years later we are still very happily married. It actually kinda woke me up, and i wasn't drunk. Oh and it does sound like that girl knew what she was doin from the start. So search your heart and do what you think is best for you.
I haven't responded but have been reading this post for a couple of days and trying to figure out how to respond. My first question is, why were you, your boyfriend and this "friend" in a hotel room together? Were there other people around? Was this a threesome gone awry? I'm just trying to understand why you were put in this situation in the first place. This is a lesson for the future, you never, ever bring another female around your boyfriend in this type of capacity because this is the kind of stuff that tends to happen. Second thing is, your boyfriend had the judgment to take this behavior outside to the car so he wouldn't get caught by you. So it was premeditated, he just got caught and realized later what he had done. If you never caught him, they would've continued on and probably went right back to the room with you after the deed. Was he genuinely sorry, I don't know, and you won't know until you see his future behavior. It's not a new relationship, you've been with him for 2 years, that's pretty significant and so the fact that he lacks all type of respect for you after 2 years should show you something. But then again, I've been cheated on and I know how you feel. You love him, you want to believe he is remorseful and regretful and willing to fix what he broke. You will go through a lot of self doubt in the next few weeks, months and even possibly years. I would take your time and see how you feel like teko said. I think you are both young and have plenty of opportunity to see what other men are out there. If you choose to forgive, know that it will not be an easy road to travel. Good luck.
It sounds to me as if you have already made up your mind. Whether or not any of us agree with you doesn't matter. It's your relationship and your life, you will be the one having to live with your decision. You sound like a sweet girl and he's a lucky guy to have you forgive him so easily. I just hope he doesn't make the same mistake twice.
For future reference, and I'm sure you know this by now, DON'T put yourselves in that situation again.
I think your (rafecu's) story is very sweet. Are you saying, you were never tempted to cheat again? (Or at least, you never did?) Has your wife ever told you how it affected her, in terms of her ability to trust you (or men)? Did it hurt her self-esteem? Did she have long-term doubts about what can be trusted? The original poster needs to know, will he do it again, since he obviously did it on purpose. What do you say to her about that?
my story is like rafecu, i never purposely meant to hurt my anyone but i was under the influence of more than just alcohol, my friend and i used to party it up things chilled out when i got back with my babys dad and when he went to jail, i messed up by having my friend and her bf over well her bf is brothers with my friend that i use to party with and things got a bit crazy... i tried to have sex i dont think it ever happened, but i told my bf when he came home, he was heart broken but we talked and within that week we did get married! now we do have a kid involved. but my husband and i are very happy, with the exception he does bring up the horrible mistake that i deeply regret everyday to every other day. i know if the tables were turned i'd be gone instantly but i also been on and off with him for 8 years, and i've been the "other girl" in his relationships with others.. i love him nd i know he loves me... i hope you sort everything out it all really depends whether or not you can trust him now...
I ,nor anyone else on this board can answer the question of will he or want he ever cheat again. All i can tell her is my story and how it,in the long run made my wife and i marriage stronger. As for as how it made my wife feel, it hurt her and when i saw that, it hurt me. And i decided id never hurt her again like that if she'd have me.She forgave and ive showed her she made the right choice. So brook, your the only one who can make that descension..But if you do forgive him, then forgive him. You know what i mean. You can't half forgive. God bless you girl.
Please dont be that kind of girl. Do you hear yourself? Its the first time the guy who i've given all my love to for two years has ****** someone else behind my back... There should NEVER be a first for cheating. You are making excuses! He had sense enough to SNEAK of into a car with her, ignore your calls and chase after you when you caught him...what if you never caught him? Do u think he would have ever fessed up, I dont...i believe in forgiveness, but you took him back too hastily for him to really get that he was wrong. Because of how quickly u forgave him, I honestly dont think it will be the last time....
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