No intimacy, but stains on his pants

[bc209]

I have been with my partner for just over a year.  We have had sex a maximum of 4 times and everytime he loses his erection about 5 minutes in,.  I asked him about this and he says its his age,( 49) and that it has never happened before with anyone else, (nice hey).  I try to initiate sex with him and whenever my hand goes anywhere remotely near his penis he grabs it and moves it away.  He is more than capable of getting a erection, I see it when he wakes and also on his underpants, white marks etc.  We are never intimate in other ways either, kissing, cuddling etc.  There a number of lies that I have caught him out on about other women, said he has not been in a relationship for 4 years, but i discovered 3 women that he was with during those 4 years. He talks daily to his ex and never does this in my company, he received text and lies about them.  when i asked him he says he did not know how i was going to react and that they are just good friends.  He also said when we met that he does not drink, howver when he moved in with me he averages 1.5 bottles of wine per night. He can be very sweet in the sense that he does things, fixes things etc.  Can anyone give me their thoughts please?

[el_em_en_oh]

Take it from a recovering addict... (me, in case you were wondering):

When I was deep into my addiction, the last thing I wanted was sex. I was too hung up on where & when I was going to use next, than to be thinking about something as boring, mundane and menial as my wife and our sex life.

I feel sorry for him, as it looks like you care a great deal for him and he's too blinded by his addiction/alcoholism to see it. You wouldn't be here unless you somewhat cared for him, and it appears that you care for him more than he cares for you, so as hard as it to say it... kick him to the curb.

There's a flip-side to the coin, of course. If you confront him, and he's willing to seek help in the form of recovery, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm proof positive that it CAN work, but the question is, are you willing to see him through recovery (assuming he wants to clean up, of course).

[specialmom]

Well, enough said. If he is drinking that much alcohol on a regular basis, the drink is ruling his life.  You can't be intimate emotionally let alone physically with an alcoholic.  I think you should cut your losses here and move on.  good luck

[bc209]

Thanks for all your comments.  We are not married and have been together a year.  When I ask him what his feelings are for me, he just does not answer.  Have approached the lack of intimacy with him and he says that its never happened before only with me, wow, that makes me feel really special.   He has a tendancy to drink 1.5 - 2 bottles of wine a night, so maybe it is alcohol dependancy that has killed his libido.  I must admit tho, that I am really starting to see red flags myself.

[teko]

I think if you are married and have stayed with the lack of sex and affection, you should try to find out what the problem is and fix it. If you are not married to this person and are not happy with the lack of sex drive and affection, split! While ya got the chance.

[specialmom]

Well, I'm less of a doomsayer than the above.  First, I think that looking into what the intimacy issues are between the two of you would be important.  Has he had a medical check for example?  Have you offered marriage therapy?  I think that I certainly would suggest that you two do this with open minds.  When he says it is just his age (and 49 is not old)-----------  is he satisfied with things?  Did you ever have much of a sex life together?  How is the rest of your marriage?  Do you have any physical contact such as cuddling?  Do you feel close to him in other ways?  I ask these questions in general because intimacy often is the barometer of the rest of the relationship.  And if things aren't great overall, intimacy may suffer.  Also, I'm trying to get at what things were like before marriage.  If he never wanted sex much, why did you marry, for example?  That would be an important quesiton to ask yourself.  Now, if it is a big change---------- that is more indicative of cheating.  

Some men do not classify something as a "relationship" that we women do.  So perhaps he wasn't lying when he was "with" 3 women during those 4 years.  Maybe it was brief and meaningless so if asked the question about his relationships, he'd say he had none.  Some men are just that literal.  And in terms of the ex.  I don't like secret communication----------- but I would have to ask you if you'd have a problem if he had female friends.  I'm half way on this.  My husband can have them but they have to be my friends as well.  However, he has some old female friends that live out of town and he never sees that he may talk to once in a while and I don't know them.  I'm okay with that.  But for close female relationships, they have to be on the up and up and I have to be part of it.  If he is saying he's afraid of your reaction to it, I'm worried about two things------------- you have a history of reacting badly OR he wants that friendship so bad he but doesn't want to fight with you over it so he just keeps it under wraps (not good).  He could be having an affair with her but I'm guessing not at this point.  

Anyway, when you speak to him about all of this, what does he say?  I think you should communicate that you've seen the texts and would like to understand the relationship he has with his ex.  And if you are uncomfortable, what he and you can do to change things.  

Consider the therapy.  Once a couple has chosen marriage, they should try everything to make it work.  Then if it still falls apart, they can divorce with a clean slate.  good luck

[TTinKKerBBell]

I see about 10 red flags here.  How many do You need?

[AnnieBrooke]

Time to say goodbye, is my thoughts.  A handyman is cheaper and a lot more fun than some guy who lies and drinks.  Besides, you can flirt with the handyman and boost your morale!  That guy is a drain in all senses of the word.