a family crisis made me push away from my GF, how do I reconnect with her

[akaMyOtherAlias]

My ex and I had met on Dec 12th of 2008. The night we met was only days after I had surgery on my wrist and traveled by myself to do a art show in Philly ( I lived in NJ at the time) I was dating someone at the time and had been with that person for 3 years but had recently been feeling we just werent ment to be...we never developed a sexual chemistry , and had a certain awkwardness to our relationship(I attribute it to us being best friends throughout middle school and high school).I traveled to the show alone that night because my girlfriend at the time was very unsupportive of my art career and thought that if she refused to go I wouldnt be able to since i was in a cast from shoulder to hand...when she refused i asked to use her car since mine was a stick shift and my casted arm was the shift arm but she refused to let me use the car as well. I almost didnt go but had very little to look forward to in upcoming months because of the cast and surgery got in my car and managed to get down there.  got there early to set up my area and saw everyone that came through the door, it was when I first saw her and out of everyone that came through that door she was the only one who grabbed my attention. Now my personality has always made me avoid contact and conversation with anyone I find attractive while dating someone, I don't like to even put myself in a situation that could lead to being disloyal to my girlfriend.  That night went differently, a friend of mine had been talking to her and brought her over to introduce me to her and we didn't leave each others side for the remainder of the night. She had come from New York with a friend that was doing the show on a last minute invite. We talked all night, rode with each other to the after party, hung out at her friends hotel room and had breakfast than it was time to go home.  That ride home all I thought about was her, I had never felt the way I did about her with anyone else after one night. The feelings were unreal.We kept in contact afterwards for a short time through emails and calls. I was trying to break things off with the girl I was with when I recieved a message one day from the girl I had met simply asking "do you have a girlfriend" guilt instantly sunk in, i felt so ashamed for talking to someone while I was seeing someone and despite my extreme feelings for her I decided what I was doing was wrong and should try to work out the relationship I was in thinking it was morally the right thing. I simply replied "yes" and didn't try to contact her again nor did I receive any more emails or calls. 3 months later the relationship I was in ended and I moved to Philly, I did some tattoo conventions and one day found myself thinking about her. I sent her a email just asking how she had been and what was new.  It had been a couple weeks and no word, I went to Minneapolis for a convention and when I returned there was the message I was waiting for, she left a number I sent a text...the first words I heard were "it's about time, what took you so long!" we both laughed at the multiple meanings to it involving us.We soon made plans to hang out and she came to philly to see me, on my way to the bus stop to pick her up I had never been so anxious/nervous/excited in my life, I felt like a little kid on Christmas.  I picked her up and although the night didnt go as planned we had a great time together, fell asleep next to each other, and really were very comfortable around one another.  Things started progressing quick, we both felt we had something very special and unique, I know I personally had never felt I had something so special before.  Everything I was looking for...ever looking for I had found. I fell in love very quickly as did she...we did a lot together, shared many interests, had a lot of fun.  We really had it all. Than things in my life started to go wrong and it made things a little rocky but the blast was Christmas Eve 2009 my family and I all got the news my mother was given a year to live with terminal cancer.  I took this news very hard. I went from being extremely sad and crying to very angry.  My girlfriend at the time is who I at first turned to for emotional support on this matter, I had just been through an ordeal which put many friendships into question and she became closer to me than people I had known for years.  At the time I didn't see how supportive she was being for I was extremely needy from the emotional hit I took. I really closed up, stopped communicating with her, started blaming her for hurting me, pushed her away, and completely withdrew. I was so upset from things with my mom I was pretty much punishing myself by pushing everything and everyone away to isolate myself and hide in my fears and sorrow. She suggested we take some time away from seeing each other (literally seeing each other not stop dating-she was sugesting it so i could spend more time with my mother and not feel extra pressure from our relationship...I took it all wrong and used it to fuel my self destructive path) I completely broke things off with her and even during which she stayed by my side considered me her boyfriend and was patient to let things run their course, I continued to not cope with reality and accept the situation and spiraled further and further down...eventually pushing her away for not fulfilling needs that were not fillable....a catch 22 to entirely push her away as defense from fear of losing any more loved ones in anyway. I was mean, selfish, and rude to someone I loved so dearly. I acted in a way I never have before, and hope to never again.  I was completely out of line and none of my actions should be excused for any reason. I had pushed her away and thought I was moving on and ok.  As I gained acceptance with my mothers situation and began to cope with losing her on a healthy level I began to unravel from my self destructive path with a huge mess to clean up.  I realized what a terrible thing I had done, and a terrible mistake I had made. I tried to ask for forgiveness, I've tried to talk things out, explain myself, I've tried to express all that I truly feel but it is too late now. I feel she has been left with a sense of a lack of security in the relationship that I may try and push her away again and leave her to feel the same she had just felt or that I may once again poorly cope with a situation and be unbearable. I know that I ruined what we had, and have to respect her decision to not get back together. I put a lot of strain on her and the relationship. I'm a fool for taking such a beautiful thing for granted.  I know that putting someone through so much may take along time for them to forgive and to heal from it but is there anything I can do to redeem the situation. I love her with all my heart and only want to see her happy, we both felt that what we had was so profoundly special I don't want us to throw it away.  Everyday I think about what a fool I was, how much I miss her, how much I want us to be able to talk the way we did again.  Is there anything that can be done to at least get us to communicate well again? Begin to regain trust and security? Where do I start to show I'm sorry for what I did and show I'm not that person.  Is it possible to get our relationship back?  I find myself full of regret I don't want to lose someone I love so much at the same time I am losing another. Any input I will gladly accept, sorry for such a long story but I really needed to get it out there and said...I've been holding such a heavy weight on my shoulders. thanks in advance for any input or words of wisdom or any comment at all

[louef]

This answer may come late but my evaluation to your story is you need to resolve something within yourself first.  Be open about this because it is easy to be mistaken when perceived through judgment. You have inside you a tendency to wallow in self-pity. When I say this, I am not saying that’s what you are. You have to look at yourself as if many people were inside you. You have many other great personalities inside while others are unresolved. These unresolved ones will be activated to different degree depending on events in your life and it is important to know what to do about it. You have to do the work on yourself, be aware of your reactions, your feelings, dig it and every time you see something even remotely close to self-pity you have to voluntarily push it away. It is not easy to resolve and events in your life will remind you what to do if you forget but, awareness is the key. You can only be well with someone when you are well with yourself. Otherwise you could fall back into a self-pity/savior type of relationship instead of being in pure Love through heart, soul and mind.

[specialmom]

I look at relationships as if they are on tiers or steps.  The top step is for the ones you are closest to (like your mother), then the second step is for people you are super close to, next step is good friends, then acquaintances, etc.  As you get closet to a girlfriend/boyfriend . . . they move up the steps.  So possibly when you were going through some very difficult emotional times, your girlfriend was not on a high enough step to "get in".  I've actually been there.  My mother passed away and I had no emotional room for anyone that wasn't on a top step.  I had much to take care of in healing my own wounds.  When I became stronger, I could deal with people on the lower steps again.  So, your girlfriend was good to you but not yet high enough in your hierarchy to get to your emotional space.  Your stronger now and have the energy for her.  I think you can contact her and tell her that you are sorry and that you wish there would be a chance to try again.  And go with her answer.  If she says okay, then make it up to her.  If she says no, then chalk it up to everything happens for a reason.  Don't be mad at yourself because you were doing the best you could during a difficult time.  Cut yourself some slack with that.  I hope it works out but either way, every relationship is one we learn from.  good luck