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should i walk away?
i have been with my partner for coming on 6 years now we have a daughter of 3 and a new baby thats 11 weeks old. He has done alot of damage to our relationship in the past firstly by secretly talking,texting meeting his ex when i was pregnant with my daughter to then watching porn and not even coming near me wheni was pregnant with my son. I dont trust him because he lied about these things i also tried to make him understand who insecure its made me esp the porn i personally think its wrong when your with someone. i dont know what to do we are arguing all the time and i feel so angry about these issues i have said to him would be okay for you if i dont have sex with you but get off buy watching other men!? or if i had text my ex! i also find him lazy and feel he doesnt help enough at all but he feels he does. he is out working the week followed by playing football tues,thurs,sat and sunday! its like im a little slave looks after the kids cleans cooks! i have had enough its made me depressed but my children love him what do i do? i know someone else would love and appreciate memore.
Best Answer
COMMUNITY LEADER
Good luck dear. If you see any signs of his desire to work on things----- take that as a positive signal. I hope you receive this signal. Peace.
thank you so much for all your help ladies i am going to take this week to really give it one last chance if he does not agree to work and put the effort in the i really am not going to fight for something that obviously only i care about!! x
I will agree with the physician, this definitely NOT any postpartum depression more like you are just "plain" tired of your partner not being helpful, rude and plain disrespectful to you.
I just think this relationship is completely draining you and that you should thinking about walking away.
There is "beauty" in a family when you are appreciated, especially by your partner/husband.
You all aren't married and I feel you have no true obligation to stay with him.
I just think this relationship is completely draining you and that you should thinking about walking away.
There is "beauty" in a family when you are appreciated, especially by your partner/husband.
You all aren't married and I feel you have no true obligation to stay with him.
so i went to the docs about the depression situation and they have toldme that its not depression but more anger for the past. and yes i agree i love being a mommy and being with my babies but you have to agree its nice to feel appreciated for all the hard work that you do. for example i am at home clean,cook looked after kids all day and he turns around and says why are you tired you havent done anything!? that makes me angry! i just feel like something is not right and i cant get to the bottom of it because he doesnt want to talk! Although he was only texting his ex to me it crossing the line then the porn i just dont understand iti have said to him talk to me tell me why you did the things you did. help me understand are you not attracted to me anymore but it doesnt get us anywhere. i just dont know what to do
COMMUNITY LEADER
Yes, I agree with Rockrose------- there is beauty in caring for your family. At times I do not see that as I'm scrubbing yet another toilet and wearing my kid's lunch on my shirt . . . but as my kids are getting older and I'm needed less, I realize how wonderful that time period was. I view staying home as a job in and of itself that I have many things to do to make a happy, functioning home. And I don't see that as any less admirable than my husband that goes off to his job to earn the pay check. Thankfully, neither does he!! He WILL ask me to do things for him . . . but I see that as part of the deal and not that I am the slave. That is just how I make the idea of stay at home mom work. Not everyone can or wants to be at home----- and then another arrangement in which both spouses work and then split home duty is better for that family.
I guess I really do read a bit of postpartum depression in your post here. Do you think that could be going on at all? I'm telling you, if something like that is------ it clouds everything else. good luck
I guess I really do read a bit of postpartum depression in your post here. Do you think that could be going on at all? I'm telling you, if something like that is------ it clouds everything else. good luck
Maybe if you had a little different perspective on being an at home mother. I'm sad that you characterize being a mom and taking care of your home as a "little slave girl". Like you really resent doing those things. Do you feel that way? Because if you basically resent your lifestyle, then other things will seem more blown out of proportion - the texting, the porn, etc.
I'll just say for me, when my kids were little was the best time of my life. I'd wake up every morning getting to choose what we'd do - dog park? McDonald's? Playgroup? Stay home and play playdough? The lake with other moms and kids? Library story hour? Obviously not every moment was nirvana, but on balance, playing with my kids and cooking whatever I felt like for dinner for us was a lovely, wonderful and enjoyable lifestyle.
Do you feel like that? Or in general, do you feel like every day is a drudge? I agree with Specialmom that you might be experiencing postpartum depression.
I'll just say for me, when my kids were little was the best time of my life. I'd wake up every morning getting to choose what we'd do - dog park? McDonald's? Playgroup? Stay home and play playdough? The lake with other moms and kids? Library story hour? Obviously not every moment was nirvana, but on balance, playing with my kids and cooking whatever I felt like for dinner for us was a lovely, wonderful and enjoyable lifestyle.
Do you feel like that? Or in general, do you feel like every day is a drudge? I agree with Specialmom that you might be experiencing postpartum depression.
Sounds like it is time to move on. He has been doing this stuff for a while. When there is NO trust in a relationship, there is NO relationship. I find liars don't change or don't change easily.
I think the children would be better off seeing and being with a single, happy mother than a depressed mother in a bad relationship or marriage. Even though the children don't see you fight or argue, they still pick up something is not right. Children aren't stupid.
I don't believe in "staying" in any relationship based on children. I watched my parents stay together for the sake of children. I so wished they had did me a favor and didn't stay together. Now, they are two strangers living under one roof. When they have conversation it is arguing and disagreements; terrible to live that way in one's golden years.
I agree. I think someone else will love and treat you better.
I think the children would be better off seeing and being with a single, happy mother than a depressed mother in a bad relationship or marriage. Even though the children don't see you fight or argue, they still pick up something is not right. Children aren't stupid.
I don't believe in "staying" in any relationship based on children. I watched my parents stay together for the sake of children. I so wished they had did me a favor and didn't stay together. Now, they are two strangers living under one roof. When they have conversation it is arguing and disagreements; terrible to live that way in one's golden years.
I agree. I think someone else will love and treat you better.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi. Well, you sound like you have already made up your mind.
I always wish we'd decide someone was lazyand unhelpful BEFORE we have kids with them. It just makes it so much harder to leave once there are children in the picture.
I personally believe that we must do our very best to make a relationship work once we've had kids. This means that just being annoyed someone isn't helpful enough around the house isn't reason to break up your kid's home. Now if he were cheating with the ex, that is different. He was texting though---------- which I would NOT appreciate but is also not quite cheating. Maybe the precurser to doing that but not doing it.
I'm just going to say that I'd think about what you would want this relationship to look like. What you want from him, what you want to change in yourself, etc. and talk to him about THAT. And maybe a counselor could help you through this and form a new relationship with diferent ground rules.
AFTER that------ giving it your full effort, then if you are still feeling like the relationship is over----- you'll have to decide if you want to break your family up or not. It is hard to do that. Emotionally difficult for everyone. Sometimes two people can't make it work----- and it is necessary so I guess your job will be to figure out if it is necessary. If you are fighting openly in front of the kids------ that makes it more necessary. Remember to keep your adult issues away from the kids.
I do wish you luck. If you are feeling depressed----- could you also have post pardom depression? I ask that because it is the right time frame for you to experience that. And if we ARE depressed, it makes dealing with our relationship issues seem hopeless. Talk to your doctor about that. good luck
I always wish we'd decide someone was lazyand unhelpful BEFORE we have kids with them. It just makes it so much harder to leave once there are children in the picture.
I personally believe that we must do our very best to make a relationship work once we've had kids. This means that just being annoyed someone isn't helpful enough around the house isn't reason to break up your kid's home. Now if he were cheating with the ex, that is different. He was texting though---------- which I would NOT appreciate but is also not quite cheating. Maybe the precurser to doing that but not doing it.
I'm just going to say that I'd think about what you would want this relationship to look like. What you want from him, what you want to change in yourself, etc. and talk to him about THAT. And maybe a counselor could help you through this and form a new relationship with diferent ground rules.
AFTER that------ giving it your full effort, then if you are still feeling like the relationship is over----- you'll have to decide if you want to break your family up or not. It is hard to do that. Emotionally difficult for everyone. Sometimes two people can't make it work----- and it is necessary so I guess your job will be to figure out if it is necessary. If you are fighting openly in front of the kids------ that makes it more necessary. Remember to keep your adult issues away from the kids.
I do wish you luck. If you are feeling depressed----- could you also have post pardom depression? I ask that because it is the right time frame for you to experience that. And if we ARE depressed, it makes dealing with our relationship issues seem hopeless. Talk to your doctor about that. good luck
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I'm goin to make some suggestions. I think that I'd seek a therapist for yourself to try to understand and work out this anger you are feeling. This is important to do regardless whether you decide to stay or go in this relationship. We often have patterns to who we choose as partners. A therapist may be able to help you sort out emotions. Maybe by talking to a professional by yourself, you will be able to see if this relationship is one to work on or one to move away from. However, you have two children with this man. He will forever be in your life because of the kids and learning to have a new relationship with him will be very important. Again, if you are angry, you may find having a profesional work on this with you to be beneficial. If you do find you must go, it will be so important as well for you to look at this relationship closely. Patterns can repeat and if this was a bad long term relationship---- you need to understand why you picked this person so that you can choose a different type next time and break any cycle that you have. Sometimes our past plays a role in partners we choose in the future. Looking at this aspect is helpful for you to eventually to pick a partner you can go the distance with.
If you do decide you want to work on the relationship---- try to have your partner start therapy with you. I think 'staying together for the kid's sake' is a lot different than making every effort to work a relationship out before we leave once we have kids. I think it is admirable to be sure we've tried everything before we decide to go. If you are already there, so be it. But it is for you to decide when you've reached that point.
If you decide to go, planning will be the most important thing you can do for yourself and the kids. You need to think in terms of how you will make things work on your own. Where you will live, what you will do for income, who will watch your kids while you work, what support you have, etc. Start thinking about what this new life would look like for you and plan it out. Get the things that would be necessary to live without your partner in line so that you can transition into that if you are indeed leaving him. Being a single mom is a tough gig but many do it.
I do think we all should be appreciated. Sometimes life in general is a thankless job, isn't it?. If you are on your own, you'll find your kids forget to thank you too. So, it is important to feel good about what you are doing for others from the inside out. This does not negate that your partner has done a poor job pitching in and being thankful to you for what you have done for your family. Maybe when you leave he'll see that. I hope it happens before you have to leave. And the texting of the ex is wrong, I agree. Not cheating, but wrong.
I do wish you well. Life is hard at times and we all need to do what is best for us. You are at a critical point of either changing your life completely or fixing the situation you are in. I hope it works out for you dear. Good luck and peace.