sister problems

[Misty19]

I really need some help. This is quite a long story but here gose. Ok well my sister lives 45 mins from me. She lives with her boyfriend, Charlie,(the father of her baby). Tia and Charlie have bad problems... well Charlie is the problem. He verbally abuses Tia all day everyday. He simply can not talk to her like she is a person. He calls her a nasty ***** and pretty much every thing in the book. He is addicted to many drugs. He is their only source of income though his money dosent help Tia or their baby. If Tia tells him the baby needs diapers, he screams- What the **** do you want me to do about it! On one occasion that i visited her she had a black eye, though she says it only happend that once---ONCE is enough. Well onto my question everytime things get real bad she calls me to come get her and the baby, which i do very time. She will stay from two to three days then go back to him- but in bettween those days i have to drive her up there numorus times... why-i dont know. I try and tell her gas prices aren't all that great but it gose in one ear and out the other. I have a very hard time saying no to her to so i pay for it. Just this week she came to get away from him but after one day he wanted her home but she had to be in my town at 8:00am so she had him come and stay the night at my house!!! Well they left yesterday- I begged her not to go but she did only to call crying that he flipped out and slit the tires on their(well his mothers) car and tried to steal her money. It was late so she went to a friends house and stayd. She called today wanting me to come get her.

[SimplyStar]

why are you trying to handle this alone?  Where are your parents  and his parents?  If this has been going on this long, then to possibly save your sisters and the babies life you need to contact those that deal in abuse. They will offer help as needed. I worked in an ER and an abuse shelter, your sister is living in a place of extreme danger. This is not love holding them together, it is manipulation. No woman these days need suffer from Abuse because it is a recognized desease and there is a cure for it.  

[Liza55]

Ugh..I'm sure this is very difficult for you. I can't help but to think of the baby first, though. These explosive rages around this poor child, and may someday be the target of this guys frustration. I would perhaps focus there too- "Baby is so precious, and is counting on you- you need to be strong to get a better life for him". Maybe that will help. Also, try calling a local or national hotline for domestic violence. They deal w/this everyday and can probably give you lots of advice. Could you call the police to go to the house when she calls you? Then at least a record gets started of all the abuse/trouble. It won't be easy for your sister- she'd need the help of a domestic abuse place to get shelter, legal help, perhaps training for a job and child care. She could also see  other women who have survived such a situation which may empower her...good luck

[PlateletGal]

I know this is a tough one and it is difficult watching your sister go through this. It must be very frustrating and I'm sure you worry quite a deal.

I would consider just checking in with her frequently to make sure she's okay and obviously being there for her. But when she starts to talk about Charlie, suggest to her that it is emotionally draining & frustrating for you and recommend that she talk to a counselor. Focus on her.... her health and well-being and her baby.

[PlateletGal]

P.S. - I went out with an abuser once. It isn't easy and especially since these men are so charming when you first meet them. Your sister and especially her child deserves better !

[PlateletGal]

One suggestion is not to talk bad about this man to your sister. Focus only what he has done to her. Like when you speak with her, you could say something like "remember how good your self-esteem was before you met Charlie?" I don't know if you do that already, but I thought I would mention it because it is important. If you attack the jerk, she will more than likely defend him.

You have to set boundaries. You aren't responsible for her and she is choosing to live with a dangerous man. I wouldn't blame you at all for picking her up and refusing to take her back to live with this loser. I know I wouldn't. You can only do so much and just suggest that she gets help and leaves him. Maybe tell her when she's serious, to give you a call then. Just let her know that you love her and will be there for her when she finally leaves the loser.

I wish you both well... good luck !

[anxiousmomtobe?]

I think she is trying to leave, but the cycle of abuse is very hard to break.  You are a wonderful sister to be so supportive.

I agree you should set some boundaries, she is taking over your life, but the reality is you may save her life by taking her in.

I hope and pray that she finds the strength to leave this guy.

She needs counselling, there are experts who will help her get her life together.  This problem is bigger than you can handle alone.

[Misty19]

Thank you all for your words. Its so hard to get anything in her head. Yeah I know what you mean by not talking bad about him. I have said things like "Crysalin is going to think its ok for a guy to treat her this way when she gets older", not in a mean or hatefull way just urging her to get out really. I also told her "Maybe if you stop thinking about how good things used to be it will be easier" when she replied "Its never been that good"--shocked!-- I dont understand it. Im going to try and lay out the "when your serious" but idk if I can stick to it. I feel so bad even thinking of saying no. Im really all she has- we are half sisters by our dad whom passed bout 3 years ago and her mom passed about 12 years ago. I swear Ive never really hated anyone but Charlie-I HATE!

[sparkeler]

You have to draw the line somewhere.  Simply say I WILL NO LONGER COME AND GET YOU UNTIL YOU LEAVE HIM FOR GOOD. Give her one more chance and an ultimatum.  And then stick to it.  She is using you when she needs to take a break from this guy, because she knows you will be there to come and get her.  It is a destructive and unhealthy cycle that you are participating in. She is an addict, in this case addicted to this man and her relationship w/him.  Maybe you can gather some family members and perform an "intervention."  Let her know that you will no longer tolerate her being in this relationship (by that I mean picking up the pieces for her when she fights w/him, only for her to go back.)  I know it's hard because she is your sister, but this pattern has to stop.  She is an adult with a baby.  She needs to wake up!

[sparkeler]

You have to draw the line somewhere.  Simply say I WILL NO LONGER COME AND GET YOU UNTIL YOU LEAVE HIM FOR GOOD. Give her one more chance and an ultimatum.  And then stick to it.  She is using you when she needs to take a break from this guy, because she knows you will be there to come and get her.  It is a destructive and unhealthy cycle that you are participating in. She is an addict, in this case addicted to this man and her relationship w/him.  Maybe you can gather some family members and perform an "intervention."  Let her know that you will no longer tolerate her being in this relationship (by that I mean picking up the pieces for her when she fights w/him, only for her to go back.)  I know it's hard because she is your sister, but this pattern has to stop.  She is an adult with a baby.  She needs to wake up!

[Misty19]

Sorry for this but i ran out of space. I dont think she will ever leave Charlie and I cant keep running back and forth its the only time she ever calls if i thought she would leave him i wouldnt mind at all, I would be more than happy to go get her and stuff. Im getting were I am mad at her for how she is treated why wont she leave him alone? Every time i go visit they are yelling scraming and the sad part is that Crysalin(tha baby) is right there acting as though nothing is wrong. How can I tell her she should leave him if not for herself than for Crysalin. Im about ready to give up and stop answering her phone calls... am i a bad sister for this?

I am very sorry for how long this is. Thank you for taking the time to read it... Im very upset. Dh is very supportive to extents he gets upset when i have to run her to her town at 12 am to take Charlie his lunch at work..(so do I).