Boyfriend's 11 year old son having problems in school after mother left

[ladylee]

My boyfriend has 2 boys 4 and 11 and he has custody of the children.  I am becoming increasingly concerned about the 11 year old, we have a great relationship and I help him with his homework.  Since his mother left the state due to non-payment of child support about 2 months ago she has only contacted the children once by phone.  She told the 11 yr she would see him soon she had some things to work out.  His grades are slipping he is in the honors program at his school.  He has missing assignments which the teachers were kind enough to allow him to make up.  We have taken turns helping him with make up work as well as projects.  He does the work and does not turn it in, he says he forgot or he lost the work.  After some searching he is usually able to find it and it is too late.
The most recent issue was he had a major social studies project and which, he had 8 weeks to complete it is now due this Thursday. I spent time with him on the weekend and brought him to my home, thinking the change of atmosphere would help.  He completed most of the assignment and only had to write his paper and put the project on a poster board.  He was supposed to take the work to his teacher for approval on Monday so he could write his paper.  When my boyfriend went to parent / teacher / student conference tonight, he was informed that the teacher never saw the project, when he asked his son where the project was he said he lost it.  After looking in his locker he found the project and the teacher took a look at it and said he could write his paper.  My boyfriend asked if he planned to finish the project since he thought he lost it, or tell someone he lost it he said no, he was not going to finish it or tell he lost it.  My boyfriend is a very strict and when I told him I was will to get off work early to help him compete his project he said no, he can turn in whatever he has completed, he needs to learn the consequences of his actions.   I feel there is something else going on with him and helping him at this point is not going to hurt him.  He has improved in some of his classes, but there are 2 he can

[PlateletGal]

I think the thing is, parent's often do make promises and end up disappointing their kids. Maybe the poster & her husband could make it very clear to the mother that if she, for example, doesn't call her son once and week... then she will loose that privilege and right for good. I think she deserves one more chance... for the child's sake.

[PGB]

I know some people are going to jump up and down about what I have to say, but first let me tell you, this is the voice of experience speaking here folks.  Mom's phone call made it worse.  It did not help at all.  The best thing for mom to do is go away and stay away if she's not prepared to grow up and come back and take responsibility for her actions, by that I mean be a mom to her sons.  My mom was killed in a car accident when I was 2 because my dad was drinking and driving.  I won't go into details, but we lived with him for 1 year and then my mom's parents took us away from him.  He had visitation rights.  For the next 13 years (until my grandparents passed away) he only lived 30 minutes from us but he only came to see us 3 times.  But, boy would he call and make promises.  It only made it worse.  He never followed through with any of them.  Let me tell you how that makes you feel.  Like no one will ever love or want you.  I used to think that no one would ever love me, my own daddy didn't even love me or want me.  It finally got easier because he eventually didn't call or come around or anything any more.  It was hard facing the fact that he didn't want us, but not as hard as facing the broken promises.  I really think Dad needs to step in and tell mom that she can either come back and pay the child support and be their mom, or butt out and stay away.  That will hurt them until they get used to the situation, but it will be easier on them in the long run, I believe.  It was for me and my 2 sisters and brother.  It may be different for them, but I kinda doubt it, I don't think kids have changed that much.  Good luck, take care of those precious boys and I'll say a little prayer for them.  Sounds like they are lucky to have you in their lives.

[PlateletGal]

actually i could have gone on about that boy's situation forever but i had to get going!


I feel the same way sometimes... I could just ramble on and on. LOL!

[oceans3]

thanks girlfriend...i like what you have to offer to others as well.
actually i could have gone on about that boy's situation forever but i had to get going!

[ladylee]

Thanks to everyone for the good advice.

[PlateletGal]

I agree with oceans3's comments ! Well said, ocean !

[oceans3]

if he was in honors and now after this life changing event, his grades are slipping then we can confidently say mom being gone is the reason. he needs to know he is loved and his mom has some issues of her own she needs to work out. she needs to learn how to take care of herself first/get better and that may take time. let him know it was NOT because of him. dont "bash" mom or speak negatively about her in front of the kids. dont tell them anything about specifics (like she isnt paying suppport...). the only thing you can do is show your love, keep him VERY busy/active. invite a friend over to work on homework, projects together. make sure in your worry for him that you dont do the work for him. i know that can happen easily. make sure all his work is organized, his backpack, locker etc...have him keep designated folders.
i am sure you have talked with his teacher about this huge change? have you talked with the school guidance counselor? they will work with him to sort out his emotions. and/or a family counselor. i hope this helps and everyones lives are back on track. it really is sad.

[RKRSK]

Sori about what you are going through. True he is missing his Mummy especially - her call and her going away must have affected him. Your boyfriend needs to sit him down and tell him how much he loves him - your relationship with the Dad should also be explained and he needs assurance that he is loved. If possible - communication with the Mum should continue - track her down and let her call even if it means once a week but she should not make promises that she wont keep. Alternatively he will need counselling if it continues.