stay or go? please help

[bree777]

Hello, my name is Bree. i would really appreciate any opinions because I'm completely confused. I met a man five years ago when I was 19, lost my virginity to him, first serious relationship. I know everyone has their good sides and their bad sides, but after trying to juggle each of his sides, I feel completely confused. He is actually a great guy, hes trustworthy, he spends much time with me(always chooses me over his friends and I never even ask him to) takes me out for nice dinner dates, goes out of his way to make me feel beautiful and special by bringing me flowers to work on a regular basis, makes me laugh non-stop, as well as other good things about him and our relationship which adds to my overall confusion as you will see. In the past, he was VERY controlling, ( I wasnt allowed to stay the night at my own house-according to him, I always had to go to his apartment, ect) but after 5 years, he has grown up ALOT and his controlling ways are gone I believe.But there is still one more problem that makes me question how someone soooo amazing, can do what he does. Sorry, this is of sexual nature..but if we are having sex and it hurts me, I tell him and he says "but it feels good to me" as if he wants to continue and disregard my pain, many similar incidences have occured. He is also into something that is his"favorite" thing as he says, anal sex, with I tried but is painful. I have started crying when he does it and he'll say "im almost done". When I type that out, it sounds outrageous! If someone told me that, I would wonder how they could possibly put up with it!! I even questioned if maybe he doesnt realize I cried, but I know he does..he has to notice!! I even made point of letting him see so knew I wasnt goin crazy. Hes been asking me for it again, I told him I do not want to do what hurts me so bad, but then he offers to take me out for a nice dinner, ( which hurts on the level that he is willing to pay me (technically) in order for me to do something that hurts).......So, this is why I am so confused. How could someone that seems soooo great in almost every other area of long-term relationship, have a side that seems just as horrible!! Sometimes I feel like Im going crazy trying to figure it out. Ive had "heart to hearts' with him about it many times! at one point, he said " i thought it just made you uncomfortable, not hurt: but im sure Ive made it extremely clear that it does. I guess I do not know what to do. As crazy as it sounds, he truly is a great person (excluding the issues I just explained) and it truly confuses me how one so great could also be so bad. Its hard to find a great guy, and every thing else about our relationship is good. Please be honest and speak whatever you truly think if you reply... thankyou

[SamJ1123]

The controlling nature on his part upsets me.  He has been controlling about you staying at your own house, and with sex...  A controlling partner is always a bad deal.  It's easy to focus on the 'good' qualities of a person when we do not want to see the bad things.  If he is being this controlling now, imagine how it will be when you are both married, or have children?  Will he call all the shots?  I would leave now, as it could get much worse.  I've dated crappy guys, but never one who was controlling like that.  I would never put up with it and neither should you.  It's not healthy, and even though I don't know you, I know you can do much, much better than him.  You deserve someone who RESPECTS you, and it sounds like he does not.  I know that hurts to acknowledge that, but if he truly respected you, he would not be so controlling... and most importantly, he would respect your wishes about sex.  There have been a few times that I had sex with a bf and it was painful, and the MOMENT I expressed discomfort, he stopped because it freaked him out that I was in pain...

Bottom line... leave now before you're married and he controls you even more.

Best of luck.

[bree777]

thank you all for your much helpful advice

[teko]

The bottom line here is that you should not do anything that hurts you or makes you uncomfortable simply to satisfy his sexual desires. If it isnt pleasing both partners it should not be happening. That is selfish on his part. It sounds like he is still manipulating and controlling but has learned to master the technique to get what he wants.

I also have to admit that the first thing that crossed my mind is that you might be with someone who gets into pain, as a turn on? But is still in the closet about it? Some people get turned on by issuing pain for pleasure but feel guilty about it and know it is not widely accepted. Is this a possibility? Just thinking aloud here.

[perch101]

I am disturbed that a guy would EVER want to do something that is painful and distressing for you. Honestly bree - do you want to be with a guy who would want to hurt and distress you purely for his needs?
There are pleny of great guys out there who would never do this - you sound young, you'll meet someone great - and when your in a new relationship with an swesome guy you'll look back on this and wonder how you put up with it!

[specialmom]

I'm going with El's wisdom on this one!  Well said!  

[mami1323]

OMG...I'm sorry, coming back with a stump.  LOL.  That has got to be the best line I've heard in a long time.

[el_em_en_oh]

No means NO
Stop means STOP
Don't means DON'T

What part of that isn't computing with him?

Honestly, if I even tried to put my penis anywhere near my wife's anus, I'd come back with a stump;-) Not making light of this, I hope you understand.

Ground rules are not there to be broken, and you need to lay some down. If he respects you, and loves you, and wants you, and needs you, and wants to be in a relationship with you, he'll respect those ground rules.

If he doesn't, then it's time to kick the f*cker to the curb.

My 2 cents.

[Gotmoxy]

This is a total act of selfishness on his part. He knows that the things he does for you make it hard for you to say no. He is being manipulative. If you let this continue, you may never be able to enjoy a healthy sexual relationship. It is supposed to feel good for you too. He seems to think sex is for the man. I understand that when we are in the heat of the moment and something feels really good, we don't want to stop. But the fact that you are crying and saying that you are in pain, would be enough to make most people not enjoy it anymore. How about you use my situation the next time he asks you for anal: My boyfriend asked me to have anal sex with him. I told him I tried it once and did not like the feeling at all. He asked me to give it another go. I said "Ok, I also want to try out one of my fantasies too. Can we go to the sex shop so that I can get one of the strap-ons for women (strap-on dildos), to screw you in the behind?." He said "No way! There is nothing going into my ***!" I said, "Why not?" He said, "Because it would hurt/feel uncomfortable, and I'm also not into that!" So I said, "Then why is it ok for you to do it to me? It feels uncomfortable, and it doesn't turn me on at all." Basically, the message got across, that both of our behinds were for outgoing products only! LOL    On the other topis of it hurting when you have sex, you need to let him know that he is doing serious physical damage to you, and that because of him doing it so much you are not able to have sex for at least a month or longer. It doesn't matter if you are lying. Most men don't understand the female anatomy. The important part is that you are getting the message across, because he really could end up hurting you  badly, and you deserve to enjoy sex too! I know I couldn't go a month without getting any. Let's see how long he lasts!

[mami1323]

Hmmm that is a hard one.  Does he make you feel forced?  Or does he treat you badly if you say no?  It sounds a bit to me like you have trouble putting your foot down and I can't recall why.  If my fiance said I want to have anal sex with you and I said no because the last time it hurt, that would be it.  He would have to deal with the fact that I said no.  He could ask again hoping to change my mind down the road later but if I said no again, then it would have to be ok.  Same thing if we are having sex and I said stop that hurts, he would stop.  So is it that he's selfish and just wants what feels good to him?  Or is he making you feel bad for turning him down or wanting to stop?  I just want to see how bad this gets and that could determine the rest of my advice.