think BPD spouse wants divorce...how to protect child

[helpfor77]

I have now been with spouse several years and more and more believe he is bpd after reading stories posted on internet.  His emotions are very yo-yo and temper is explosive at the drop of a hat.  He never got very physically abusive with me until I was 7 and1/2 months pregnant...very verbally abusive though.  He drug me down the hallway by hair in front of his son and hit me which burst my eardrum and I had to have surgery to fix.  Things are always my fault because I think I am "perfect"...far from that.  However...the yo-yo effect has gotten worse again and my son is now old enough that it effects him.  When daddy does not get his way...things get verbally abusive and then leads to him kicking me out of the house and then threatening suicide if I don't come back.  How am I suppose to help support my husband in getting help when he thinks nothing is wrong with him and keep my son safe?  Right now I let him come visit whenever he wants...but this is now not enough for him...but he has not taken me to court yet, just threatens to?  

BTW...I have went a therapy myself...tried to get him to go but he refuses...he doesn't need help..I do!  His father is against therapy...he just thinks he has a bad temper like him?  Is there any hope....

[helpfor77]

I have doctors records and surgery records...but the witness was his 9 year old son?  I am trying to keep a calander of events...wish I had kept pas messages.  Thanks for your concern!

[Redhenful]

I am so very glad that you left him..(i did not know this from your first post..)
I would document everything that happens with him from here on out...
Do you still have the hospital records from when he hurt you? Do you have any witnesses that saw his behavior that you can call on to make statements? Anything.. keep collecting ANY evidence...
You have my best wishes..

[iam1butterfly]

If he's truly a Borderline, then he's behaved this way anywhere and everywhere... public or private... among family; and in front of strangers. I dated a Borderline, so I know. In fact, there's a good chance that he's been jailed or fired from past jobs due to the explosive behavior. Perhaps, you can find witnesses who can attest (in writing or verbally) to the outbursts?

[helpfor77]

I appreciate everyone's comment and advice...and my child is my first concern and still believe he is here in part from God to get me out of this situation.

I have not been in the home for almost six months now.  All of your points are valid and are the reason and am not in the home.  Believe me...I know and can validate all of this because I work in the public schools and see first hand what can result and is why I have not considered going back at all unless he gets help and I see improvements...and I have told him this.

My main concern is my son and making sure he cannot have him alone.  I'm not so concerned over physical abuse there as I am over mental abuse.  I just don't know how to prove all of this...would it not be my word to his?  I know I will have to carry the "burden of proof" to keep him away...

[Redhenful]

Dear god.... WHY are you with this man? Think about your child...
There are MANY places for abused women to get help from...  But i believe that you already know that.
When you became a mother you HAVE to put your child FIRST.. not YOUR needs..
Sorry.. i have to be honest here... Do you have ANY clue what damage you are doing to your child?? Think about it for a minute... REALLY think about it...
I am a foster parent..and you know what?? I have to take in kids ALL the time that come from places like your house...
Also... next time he threatens sucide... tell him to DO IT...
Walk out and please dont look back... think of your child..

[Judy246]

If you are unable to get help from family or friends, contact an emergency number for help, women's shelter, but you must get out of that house immediately. You need to find the strength and courage within to take the first step to stop the cycle of dysfunction and violence and never permit your child to witness this or feel that this behavior is normal. As for your husband, the only person that can help him is himself. He needs to accept that he needs help, but do not do this alone. From this point on make sure your not alone with him, because you don't know how he will respond, so start making a plan right now to get away from this volitile man and if he ever touches you again, make sure to file a police report and charges also. You need to take the first step to regain you again and not permit him to ever hurt you again. Also, not every man is this way. There are wonderful, loving caring men who treat there women like a queen, I'm blessed to have one, so take the first step to regain life the way it is truly suppose to be lived.... simple and normal.

[Judy246]

You should have left him the day he layed a hand on you and to be 7/12 months pregnant and treat you in this manner in my book is unforgivable. My grandmother was 7 month's pregnant when my grandfather beat her and dragged her down a mountain by the hair. She gave birth that night as a result of this beating....my father was born. My grandmother promised that my grandfather would never see this son and she kept her promise. My father saw his father for the first time in a casket. What is sad is that my father looked just like him and never knew his father or repeated his father's abusive behavior.

My advice as the others is you need to leave for the sake of yourself and your child. You need to protect him from this type of environment. If he treatened suicide do not even respond, that's shows you how dysfunctional and unhealthy he is as a human being. Also, you can't change him, he has to change himself. Contact your family and friends for support and help to transition you into a new healthy environment and also ask them that you will discuss the situation when you are ready to, but you need to make a plan now. Start by contacting your family to help with this plan right away. Good Luck.

[PromisedLand]

Specialmom has it right...I am not a woman, but helpfor77 you've got to get you and your child out of there...as special said document as much as you can with dates and times if possible.  See if you can find a local woman's shelter or similar organization where you can stay briefly where he won't know where to find you...then contact a lawyer and the police for restraining orders and advice from the lawyer as to what you can do to keep this monster away from you.  

Frequently women's  shelters have cell phones that you can use to make contact with family or make calls to organizations that can help you.  I know I donate all of my unused cell phones to women's shelters for this purpose. (through a woman friend who works at one).

Please stay in touch...in my opinion there is no question that you need to leave ASAP.

Jim

[specialmom]

I am so sorry.  No, I don't think there is hope for this relationship.  That is just my opinion, of course.  He is a dangerous man.  Hitting you while you are pregnant and in front of his child?  You need never be alone with this man again.  His poor son sees this as how a man should act?  Ugh, that breaks my heart.

Where can you go to live that is safe?  Or can you stay and change the locks?  I would document EVERYTHING!!  He hurt you to the point of needing surgery?  Get those documents-----------  report it if necessary.  You need to make sure that what he has done is well known.  He will not get custody then.  I'm afraid for you, however.  You may have to leave your current situation to remain safe.
I wish you the best of luck and don't usually say this------  but I will say a prayer for you.