very heart broken :( Says hes Inlove but wont commit????

[Kyla4life]

Hi, my name is Kyla and Im 31 Im hoping someone whos experienced what im going through can help me make sense of what im going through right now in my life. For the past three days ive been researching answers to men who are supposedly inlove or love you but dont want to commit. I have not been in anything like this in my life. The sad part is I havent been inlove in over seven yrs and now its happend again but with someone who doesnt want a relationship. I have been seeing this man whos 27 for  five months now, we had an instant attraction and immediately began to be very sociable with eachother. We spent almost everyday every time we could get together. later we also became intimate.Hes came out and told me he loved me and then I came to that realization myself not to long afterwards and told him. Shortly afterwards we both confessed that we were inlove. So you would think that it wouldnt be an issue when it comes to going to the next step which is a committed relationship. However i brought it up and he just tells me hes not ready yet and wants to make sure whoever he goes to that point with is the right one for him and vise versa.He's also brought up financial reasons as well.  I tried to understand this and continued seeing him because i love him and dont want to pressure him into anything especially if it would ruin our relationship we have now. But im getting mixed signals from him. He tells me he wants kids one day and his mother wants grand kids. He ask me how many do i want and do i want anymore since i already have some. He also says he wants to be married one day too. Im confused, cause dispite this, he doesnt want to take the intial steps to get to that point. Well atleast its not looking like its with me. Im so hurt, I feel used not woman enough for him and that hes probably running game or lying to me. The worst part is the past few days since ive been bringing up how im not liking this anymore and i deserve better and think i should leave hes been acting very strange. So i tried to renig the next day on what i said because of his behavior and not to mention it was new yrs. asnd i didnt want to bring in the yr with him like that. We talked on the phone and he explained again his feelings towards a relationship that i mentioned earlier. I mentioned ok and i wouldnt mention it to him again but he made me realize that bringing up how i felt was probably right and i should have stuck with my guns. He didnt return none of my text or calls that day and the next day. I then sent him a textb telling him that i should have stuck with wat i orignally said and that it was over. now hes been calling and texting me ever since untill today. I am very hurt that its had to come to this and i dont know what to do but i dont want to be like the woman ive been reading about this past three days that give up their hearts time body and everything to a man for yrs playing relationship and house and then he never makes things legitimate and the title of a real woman in his life. That is scary, and im scared to death but dont want to loose him either. SOMEONE HELP ME PLEASE!

[specialmom]

I guess I really didn't understand that it was milk we were talking about.  Many do give their milk away too early and without much thought and I agree that this is precious and not worth putting on the table until we are ready.  (yeesh, am I going overboard with the milk analogy?? LOL  but you know what I mean).  

I do feel like relationships build over time and when you have a great guy that you are in the getting to know you process and is on a slightly different time schedule than we are, that it isn't a great idea to just throw away the situation.  This is based on your title of being heart broken.  If the relationship IS progressing but just a little slower than you would like, is it necessary to throw it away?  I don't know--------- only you can decide.  But you seem to have many great things happening in your life right now which is great and maybe worrying about a man is not worth it.

Oh, and I dated my husband of over a decade now for 2 years before we got engaged, then we were engaged for a year.  I married at age 34.  So, I guess I don't think a relationship that takes time to build and grow its foundation is a bad idea. :))

good luck to you.

[Kyla4life]

Its nice to know you see my original perspective of the situation and I still plan at a later time to do that. I just thought that since it was still fairly early in the relationship that special mom was right and to try and wait it out some. I began to think that maybe i hadn a good concept but trying to intiate it to early. I figured discuss it with him more prepare him explain and then execute...lol. If that makes any sense. Anyways, I have other men interested in me and im not giving in to them because i love the one im dating. But Im starting to get unhappy and feel like my love is being taken for granted. I think its only a matter of time before this so called relationship runs its course and i move on to a more suitable partner that can love me fully and the right way. It hurts cause i dont want to hurt him but i dont know what to do with this sitch any more really. I dont even know if trying to wait to with hold the milk is gonna even come from the looks of things lately. Im getting fed up.

[Kyla4life]

Thanks rosemary... Thats exactly how i viewed this sitch im in.... crazy part is since ive last posted on here. I tried to continue living life as it was before i met him but found it tio be very difficult. I dont why I thought moving on would be so easy. I guess I forgot how powerful loving someone is and letting them go. I went back to him and have been trying to give it more time like special mom suggested. I figured wait awhile let him know and put a time frame on a commitment or else im walking. All in which ive done only lately things between us has turned very different. I think what he has been doing has made me feel like he doesnt really care and is not as honest as he claims to be. I personally believe that there is another woman in the picture hes been with. The trust is going out the door , atleast on my part. The crazy thing is, believe it or not I still love him. Not to be to private about our life but it must be said. I can even sense hes not all with me anymore intimately. It hurts to see our relationship going down the drain. And whats worse is, he doesnt see how responsible for it he is. I hope things change soon or im going to be gone, and maybe b y that time i would be more equipped to walk away. Anyhow, thanks for sharing such a beautiful love story with me and congrads. :)

[rosemary829]

This might sound sharsh Kyla but I promise you, that's not my intention. I say dump his ***. If he doesn't even want to commit to a relationship then it doesn't have a chance. You are not the one!!

I met a man and within 3 days he told me that he was breaking a marraige engagement ( arrange din a different country) because he fell in love with me and could not go through with it. He loved me and wanted to be open with me to secure me...I know this is a little extreme but the point I am making is when a man finds the one, he knows and men don't like to loose what they want to other men. If you were the one he wouldn't be so casual...

You deserve better. You are playing fair and square. You deserve to know where you stand.

[specialmom]

Ha, that is a great way of putting that.  That is good advice TTinKKerBBell.  As relationships build, people get more and more thirsty and a big cup of milk will sound wonderful.  I always think that relationships build over time and sometimes the men in our life may have different ideas and time frames.  Sometimes that works out and sometimes it doesn't.  Luck to all.

[TTinKKerBBell]

maybe it would be a good idea to keep the milk in the refrigerator until the relationship develops into a (mutual) commitment.   I know this isn't the popular form of thought but seems like if the commitment were to come before the milk was poured then we wouldn't feel like we wasted our time by giving it our "all" before we had the commitment.  Just a thought......but maybe........just maybe, the commitment really should come before the milk.

[Kyla4life]

:) thanks

[specialmom]

Oh, no offense taken.  You do have a lot going on and while all exciting things, it is probably overwhelming as well.  Relationship dynamics can be complicated and at times push over the edge in terms of our stress level.  

I do think there is something to be said for taking the right amount of time (which is different for everyone) to get over a past hurt and attempting a relationship while we are still healing is hard.  

Good luck with your singing career and book!  So exciting.  I hope you are a raging success and when the right man comes into your life (or this one if it is meant to be) may you be successful at that as well.  

good luck dear!

[Kyla4life]

Okay , I catch your drift but again, id rather be spared all this bs from dating and relationships. Yeah Im inlove with him and thought that id never get here again but i did just obviously i wasnt healed enough for this stuff yet. Otherwise i would be able to hold him at the level he wants me to and wait it out like you say is the norm. And unfortunately, im too scared to do that. I think im probably better by myself and move on. Im in college, working on a singing career and book right now anyways. Have enough on my plate as it is. I dont think im ready right now for this crapt.The crazy part is that realizing this now would probably make me the prefect candidate for this so called dating scene and relationship status he wants, only now again, I DONT WANT IT.  Besides my producer said having a man right now in my life with what im doing touring and all is gonna put strain on a relationship anyways. Again thanks for your advice and best wishes and i apologize if i offended you with my assumptions on your relationship. congrads :)

[specialmom]

I'm just gonna say that I disagree with ya on that my situation is one in a million.  I think it is more common for a man to feel pressured if someone is wanting a "relationship" early on.  Professionally I have dealt with a lot of couples as well as many people socially (and I'm in my mid 40's) and most start seeing someone, they like each other and do things together without a serious commitment and then down the road, they commit.  Not commit first and then have the relationship.  It builds.  I just think you need to give this time to build before turning it into more.  

I'd say there are as many men looking for a real relationship as women and that I wouldn't say that someone who isn't ready to commit before a year doesn't want a relationship.  My husband had a 6 month rule.  If you made it past 6 months, then you were someone in his life to be taken seriously.  Simple formula that he used.  You'd have already walked away from him.

Anyway, I also think you aren't hearing me that 5 months is not a long time to date someone.  This is a new "thing".  Good luck

[Kyla4life]

Its not im afraid that hes not monogamous, its that i  feel allowing him to not be in a relationship with me will give him the opportunity to be with another woman if he wanted to with no explanation   because he isnt initially committed to me. I understand your concept of things somewhat when it comes to relationships but i also no that your outcome seems to be one in a million. The majority explains men on a regular trying to have their cake and eat it too, and what better way to do that, than to have woman in your life you dont have any strings tied to. Yes i am asking him for a relationship and up until now thats what i wanted but now i would think it would be for all the wrong reasons. Personally I feel it shouldnt had even come to this. If someone truely loves you they want to be comitted to you and let everyone know that you are theirs and vise versa. Obviously he hasnt been as honest with me as hes said he has. I feel very hurt about the whole situation. I dont want a relationship anymore, I want to be alone. **** IT, BUT THANX FOR YOUR ADVICE.

[specialmom]

I'm afraid that some of your thinking results in your  not being in a relationship.  I get your theory (and agree about not living together) but relationships should happen naturally without this much pressure and thought you put into it.  If you call it roulette, I'll tell ya that I've been married 11 years with my theory as it worked out pretty well.  

Not knocking yours but you have to look when something isn't working for you--------- changing it a bit.  I think you do put the cart before the horse a bit in relationships and that can be a turn off for many men.  Enjoy yourself more and think  deeply about where it is all headed less.  I'm not saying be loose sexually, do his laundry or move in with him.  But it has only been 5 months!

I guess I don't get it.  You want him to say "I want a relationship"?  What exactly is it you are doing?  Are you afraid he is not monogamous?  That is the only thing I can think of.  

I know you aren't thrilled with what I am saying that this situation has something to do with you, your attitude and outlook as well as his----------  but from what you've written, that is still how I see it.  Hope it works out for you and that he gives you the words you need to hear to be happy.  good luck

[Kyla4life]

Im sorry but i think you miss understood. I am not asking for his hand in marriage, im asking for a relationship. I dont think that it should take a year to know if you want that with somebody. Especially if they know they want you intimately, emotionally, and dont want you with anyone else. I mean I dont know if im looking at it wrong but. I view men and dating like this. Allowing them to get priveledges like home cook meals, sex, your time love etc and not comitting to them is like. Going to a car lot and test drivinmg a car over and over again everyday and never buying it...lol... lets be seriouse here. And its also like the saying goes... WHY BUY THE COW IF YOU GET THE MILK FREE? I understand rushing things can make him scared but he has to think of how putting my all into something and possibly being kicked to the curb will make me feel. IM SCARED TOO! HES SCARED ME OFF WITH THIS DONT WANT TO CO MITT STUFF. My hearts been broke two times being inlove. First relationship three yrs and the second six and I know that love is nothing to play with especially when its took a wrong turn for the worst and over. And one person is still loving one that doesn't anymore.  Because of what ive been through its took me seven yrs to get here again and im scared to death. I agree its happend pretty fast but i know what im feeling and im not a rookie. I just refuse to play Rochette roulette with my heart.

[Kyla4life]

Thanx Alex, I been thinking that way lately too. I just feel that i can easily call him up and he'll be here if i want but it will just lead to a few more months or maybe even yrs of him telling me the same excuses hes using now. I would hate to give all my time and everything to him and not get anything in return for it. I mean, how long does it take anyways for someone to make up their mind of if they want a relationship?

[specialmom]

Hm.  My honest opinion?  Your jumping the gun here.  It has only been 5 months.  That is not a long time at all.  If you said 5 years . . . okay.  But 5 months?  I think you are putting undo pressure on this relationship and should relax and let it play out a bit more.  6 months from now, if it has not progressed--------- start to worry.  But it is not a committment phobe who isn't ready to tell a girl he wants to marry her after 5 months. It is a thoughtful (as in he puts lots of thought into things that are a BIG deal to him) person.  It IS a big deal and shouldn't be rushed.  

Do NOT move in with him.  But wait and see how things go.  Otherwise you will ruin any chance it has of taking off further by demanding it do so or saying you are hurt by that.  I think it is too soon to feel that way.  good luck