Repairing family after infidelity

[mami1323]

My fiance had been unfaithful and we have decided to work on our relationship.  Most know my story already.  We are in couples counseling and we share a son together and he has 2 kids from previous relationships.   His oldest son is 15 and knows about what happened.  His mother felt like he should know what was going on since I had kicked my fiance out on the weekend when he had his visitation.  His son knew something had happened and asked his mother.  Now his son is quite angry at his dad.  He doesn't say much but he told me that he was unsure about staying with us this weekend because our therapist wanted to sit down with the 3 of us and discuss the issues.  He is afraid to tell his father what he thinks of him.  I asked him to please do it for me.  How do I handle this situation between him and his father?  Is including him in therapy a good thing?  Should I let him take his own time and not force him to talk with his father?  

[mami1323]

I agree, I think he knew way too much.  But this weekend was good.  My fiance pulled his son to the side and told him that he's done a lot of stupid stuff to me and doesn't want to ever hurt me again.  That the other female is out of his life, he's not seeing her or talking to her or anything.  That he wants his family.  So his son felt better.  I told him that he shouldn't worry about things like this and just enjoy himself when he is with us.  

[treazzure007]

i don't think grown-up issues have anything to do with the children.  it's too bad that he is in on too much information.  not to mention the influence and bearing it has on his perception and feelings about future relationships.  bad example.  but now that it's done, he should just be encouraged that his parents love him, that you love him and that none of this other stuff has any bearing on that and never will.  that's why relationship woes don't need to even be shared with children.  his mother could have just as easily have said nonchalantly "they have split and you will just stay home this weekend, okay?" and left it at that.  

it really is too bad that he's in on the drama b/c things between couples should stay between couples

[AnxiousGurl]

Also if you think your fiance might be insulted by his son approaching you and not him, I would ask to speak to therapist alone and ask how you could make it easier on the son to approach his father and voice his anger. At the same time, maybe your fiance can realize he needs to be more open with his son, and let his son know not to be afraid to share his feelings about anything that bothers him even if it's directed at him.
Good luck

[AnxiousGurl]

I'm glad he knows he can talk to you...it's important he can talk to you about how he's feeling.
If he does decide to go it might be good. With the help professional it can be done in a more appropriate-productive approach where his son will feel well-heard...

But I wouldnt force it, maybe you can ask your therapist how you can approach this type of situation at home. If your therapist doesnt already know, I would tell the therapist that his son has already voiced his anger with you about his father, and how can I approach this at home. Maybe he can give you some tools that will make it easier for him to voice his anger with his father in a more private setting, where his son might feel more comfortable.

As RockRose said, maybe he'll feel more comfortable being around teens who feel the same way about their fathers and can let out their anger in sessions directed towards boys who are all going through the same thing with a counselor, who specializes in that type of session.

Whatever happens I wish you the best.

[mami1323]

Yeah, I spoke with him today and said that he shouldn't be afraid to tell his father how he feels.  His father might benefit from hearing about how his actions affected the entire family.  But I think he shouldn't feel forced either and if he isn't ready to do it then he shouldn't have to.  I guess, I thought that if they spoke, a lot of the anger his son is feeling would be released and he wouldn't be so angry any more.  That kid loves me to death and doesn't want to see me hurt.  It's really a shame.

[mami1323]

We're not Christian.  I didn't even want him to know what happened.  His mom thought by him knowing, he would learn not to hurt someone he loved but I don't think she understands the impact of what she has done.  I like her a lot, don't get me wrong, she's completely on my side but the thing now is her son to me knows way too much about things.  I don't want him to hate his father and I feel they need to repair their relationship.  I told him that it's not his job to worry about me and his father.  We are adults and will handle the problems.  No matter what we will always be in each other's lives because my son is his brother.  I just hate that he knows so much.

[RockRose]

mami, unless this therapy session was to focus ONLY on the boy,  how he is dealing with this,  his feelings,  I think he should sit it out forever.    Is this session about him?  I don't think it would be healthy - or helpful - for him to be in on a therapy session about your relationship with your fiance.

Are there group counseling sessions in your area for boys from broken families?  Anger at their dads for messing up is really such a common topic - and something boys seem to benefit from is group teen counseling.    If you're Christian,  there are biblical based counseling sessions for boys reaching manhood with dad troubles -

Best wishes.

[mami1323]

Thanks, it's actually his son but I consider him my own.  He's such a sweet boy and really loves me.  He really thinks his father was an a$$ for this.  I think it might be best if he sits out the therapy session.  His father and I still have a lot of our own issues to work through before I think we can explain anything to his son.  

[Cootos]

Personally I would give your son some time to intake the whole situation and evaluate it himself. I'm sure he will confront his father with his true feelings when he is ready. I wouldnt get him involved in your therapy sessions as he may need to work out his feelings on his own and if he's really angry with his father he may say things that he doesnt mean and I just really think he needs to maybe even sit down with just you and have a heart to heart talk about the whole thing...make sure he understands whats going on..tell him everything...he needs your support and you need his..good luck!