I want to get married but he doesnt seem to really want to...

[meagan237]

So my boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years now. We have a beautiful 6 year old daughter and one that is due in Feb 2012. We love each other very much but he just doesnt feel like marriage will change anything. I have always wanted to get married.. its something that I think about every day and with all our friends married now it makes it that much harder because none of them have been together as long as we have before they were married. It just seems he loves me enough to have children with me just not enough to marry me. I'm so heartbroken over all of this. My Mom has been going through cancer treatments for the past year. Also I'm pregnant with his second baby (this one was planned). But I thought with us trying to have another baby would give him the push to finally marry me. I have told him that if I dont atleast have a ring on my finger that the baby's lastname will be my lastname.. (wouldnt really do it and I think he knows that) but I think 8 years and 2 kids should be enough for him to want to. When I first found out I was pregnant I asked him if he would go to the court house and marry me. but he said that the insurance would know that we new I was pregnant before we got married. I feel it was just another excuse to not marry me. I dont know what to do I dont want to push him into marriage but I dont want to have a boyfriend my whole life when we have kids together and live like a married couple. What should I do I love him and dont want to leave but I want to get married. I have talked to him about this a million or so times and I always end up mad after we talk about it.

[Londres70]

Hmmm, well after eight years, I think you know his answer well, which is no.  Having children by a man you aren't married to doesn't guarantee marriage later on or ever.  Pregnancies/having children should never be used as a "bandaid" to a problem in a relationship; usually never works out well.  

I definitely would not give him "ultimatums" or "threats" to pressure him into this.  

I see two options for you:  stay with him knowing he will not get married or leave and find somone who is marriage-minded.  

Sounds like he was never interested in getting married in the first place and you were.  After 8 years, doubt he will do it now.  

[specialmom]

Oh, I AM sorry.  That is so frustrating.  Why set up house and ACT like a married couple but be resistent to marriage?  I just don't get that.  

Yes, I think he has given you one excuse after another for why he won't and that is unfair.  Why is it unfair?  Because he knows how badly you'd like to be married and frankly, the mother of his children that loves him and cares enough about him to really want to have the title of wife----  deserves to have that.  It is hurtful that he won't take that step and selfish.  It would be one thing if you didn't care about the formality of marriage-----  then you just focus on a happy home.  

Really, every woman needs a man to say he loves her enough to make her his wife if she envisions marriage as part of her life.  Every woman should feel loved to the highest level and his not marrying you makes it clear that he doesn't . . . no matter what his words are.  One can't ignore action ---  or lack of it in this case.

But here is the deal------  you knew this . . . you've been with him for 8 years which is a very long time.  You had your first child and he didn't marry you after that.  Then you 'planned' a second years later without his marrying you.  In a way, you signed on for this years ago and were willing to accept it enough to stay and make baby number 2.  

Now what should you do?  Tell him how much his not marrying you has hurt you and never mention it again.  You could force the issue and say 'marry me or I'll leave' and if you didn't have kids, okay.  But you love him, have one child and planned a second you are now pregnant with----  so, I guess you have to live with the deal you made.  

You are right, talking won't help.  He's danced around the issue for a long time and won't be honest with you about why he won't marry you.  He's had plenty of chances.  So if you want to stay, just stay.  If marriage is a deal breaker, then you have to go.  

I'm sorry----- I'm sure that is painful.  I do wish you luck and congrats on the new baby.  

[Ashelen]

Has he always felt like marriage wasn't necessary? Or is this a recent attitude?