i have lied to my wife over money and now she says she cant trust me anymore

[lostsoul59]

we have been together for 6 years have 2 kids and have been married a year, a few months after our marriage she found out that I had got myself into debt with some people and we had to go to her father and borrow the money to clear the debt I never wanted to tell her as I didn't want to worry her not to be sneaky but I pay for everything so it didn't concern her in my eyes, and since then we have been not getting on everytime was due to pay her dad back the agreed amount at the end of the month she would be just nasty,but money has been really tight lately and work has dried up now for the first time in 6 years I wasn't able to provide didn't even have a 10 pound to my name so she went off the rails again and told me I need to pull my finger out and sort money out as we have a family to provide for so I sorted that out and few days after she received a letter saying she had to go court for unpaid council tax for 8 months so she flipped and said she cant trust me and loves me but not in love with me I know I have blown her trust and I just want a chance but she wants me out the house and has said she cant do it no more I don't want to give up I love her and I only lied to protect her from worrying but I know I am wrong now but I just want my family back what should I do to change this or is she completely done with me ?? its only been a few weeks but she seems so certain we are done and told me not to bother fighting for her as she don't want me anymore just wants me to pay her dad back and be there for the kids I don't want to give up and lose her

[nursegirl6572]

I certainly understand that this will be a difficult transition, but what you must make a priority is your children.  Separation and divorce is a very confusing and scary thing for kids.  The more you work with their Mom to co-parent and make visitations a smooth transition, the easier it will be for them.  Unfortunately, not dealing with your wife is just not an option, not if you want to make this easier for the kids.  You have to put your personal feelings aside, and show your kids that their parents still have THEIR best interest at heart and although you may not be together anymore, you will always be on the same team when it comes to raising the kids.

They will need a lot of reassurance and remember that even unspoken things will send messages to them.  If visitation is being handled with 3rd party people, that very likely could send messages to them about you both as parents.  I'm not sure how old your children are (I'm assuming pretty young from the fact that you said you've been with your wife for 6 years), but younger children especially have a difficult time making sense of these situations, and will always find a way to make it their fault.  

I would recommend some family therapy for all of you, to help you get through this and establish a solid routine for visitation, etc.  You will also need to handle the legal aspects as well, like child support.  Do not try to make an arrangement yourselves, it's always better to go through the court system for official "on the record" arrangements, because people who try to manage it themselves can often find themselves in a pickle, as the courts usually don't recognize those kinds of arrangements, and you may end up being on the hook later even though you may have paid your wife.  We have a good friend who had a personal arrangement with his wife for child support that they both agreed upon, and they did that for about 6 years until the wife decided one day to file for child support and claimed he had never paid her a cent.  Even though he had records of checks and things...because they didn't go through the court, none of it was recognized, and he ended up basically double paying.  It really was a shame.

Going through the courts doesn't ALWAYS have to be a negative.  In this day and age, it's the smart thing to do, really.  I know you've got a lot on your mind, but these are important things that need handled asap.

Good luck to you.

[lostsoul59]

she said she don't think its so bad as she has been unhappy for so long but she never told me so , I just don't wanna give up on her I have told her tho I am going to just see the kids thru her mum and dad as I cant handle seeing her is that wrong ??

[specialmom]

Well, that is pretty rude of her.  At this point, she is Trying to hurt you.  Don't get mad at her though, that is a waste of energy.

Instead, figure out this situation you are in financially.  You're starting a new job----  can you do that plus another?  Work on a budget and what needs to happen in the next year.

AND, hopefully you get to see your kids before you go to the new job.  

Stay focused on this stuff and the things with the wife will either get resolved or not.  But you can't control that.   You can only control YOU and what is what you are doing.  good luck

[lostsoul59]

she has rang me this morning and told me she is going out on a date and thinks its best I know what the hell am I such a mug

[specialmom]

Well, her dad helped him out.  They parent kids together and it would be kind of a creep thing to do to not pay him back at some point.  Perhaps you can talk to her dad and change the terms of how you are going to pay him back.  Give him 'something' every month regardless.  

good luck

[Motownguy]

If you guys divorce I wouldn't pay her dad back.

[lostsoul59]

the main thing is I never wanted to worry her regarding the financial position was in as I didn't want to scare her but it back fired I just wish she would tell me if I had a slim chance of winning her back but she wont even be friends with me I am working in a new job Monday and not seeing my kids for 16 days so going to just work all I can till then she is my best friend at the end of the day I have always done everything for my kids but I didn't lie to be nasty and cheat I did it to not let her worry I know its wrong I do now and I cant believe its done now

[Life360_Dave]

Hi and welcome. This is not something to look back at and feel regret but to look forward as this is where the answer lies. You took a shot at some fast money and lost but you could have won. Dont blame yourself. The answer is to find work NOW. Its not often that life calls on us to dig down deep inside ourselves but this time has come for you.
Dont say that work is slow and if it is then make it fast. You are in complete control of your future. Take this time to suck it up and stand strong and do what ever it takes to find income.
I was exactly there before myself and took a menial job out side my profession that led me to financial success. If i did not take the menial job i would not have found the key to my financial stability,
Its taking what ever life offers you and building on that foundation..you can start working this week for sure.

If you wife wants to kick you out over money, just keep this inside you for now and not pester her with any conversation about this. When you find work this week and build on that foundation, you can talk to her about that then and also add a comment to her about her attitude later.

You  will find that this experience was the best thing that ever happened to you when the dust settles. Just be the man that you were before you met her. Thats who she is attracted to.

[specialmom]

Well, it is a tough situation you are in.  There may be a couple of things going on here.  I would scare me to no end if my husband gambled himself into debt.  It really would.  I understand how it happens out of desperation but how did you get into a position of desperation?  Was it gambling or the other things I mentioned earlier (spending more than you make)?  Either way, it sounds like financial issues are a historical problem for you.  The initial lie came about (just from what you've said) your not having money to pay bills (do to not making enough and not asking your wife to work and contribute and/or spending more than you make) SO you gambled and lost a big chunk more and took yourself into big debt.  You lied about all of this, right?  Then you were still gambling some and won some and walked away (not sure when this happened) but your work has dried up and you can't pay a debt that is very emotional to her to her father and maybe have told some lies regarding your current employment/earning status and inability to cover payment of bills right now and in the near future.  

Is all of that close to the situation?

There are a couple of things going on here----  the lack of communication with your wife regarding your finances.  SHE needed to take an active role in things.  If you kept that from her, well.  She too didn't try to be a part of it and turned on blinders to what was going on.  I also see a continued pattern of financial instability.  That in and of itself is a REAL relationship killer.  

so, problems that are major to me from what you've shared--  1. financial instability --  past, present and future.  2.  communication break down between you and your wife.  and 3.  your dishonesty about things.  

These are all major issues of equal important.  Trust me, she isn't just upset about the lying.  She's upset about what you lied about.  That all makes her feel very vulnerable.

Unless you have a plan to solve all three of these problems, I'm afraid no relationship would ever work out under those conditions.  So, I'd really put pen to paper and do some soul searching of how to solve these matters and present it to her.  If she sees you understand the gravity of the problem and has hope that all three of these things could be fixed, she may reconsider.

good luck

[lostsoul59]

I don't think I am addicted as I walked away with money in my pocket after a heavy loss I was in a bad place and needed money fast and I did something desperate I aint thought about gambling all I think about is getting my wife back and wanting her to trust me she says we are done and there is no point in fighting for her but I cant just give up on her its a mistake I made and would never do again money has always been very important to me but now all I want to do is pay back her dad and be with my family as long have enough for food and clothes for my family that's all I care about I just want my wife to believe me but as I have told her a few lies recently I just thought a marriage was meant to be worked on not throw in the towel

[specialmom]

Well, lying is a symptom of the problem dear.  That is how you have to think about it.  What would she have said had you told her that you gambled away the weeks money?  You lied to protect yourself from the bigger problem-----  the misuse of money and the wrath you'd surely receive for that.  

It helps to keep things in perspective for why we do things.  

Now, I think some people absolutely drive others to lie when they are over the top with their anger about things.  BUT, in this case, you were doing an activity that she wouldn't have known about ----  so the gambling in secrecy is the problem.  THAT is the issue.

Please keep that in mind.  Are you addicted to gambling?

[lostsoul59]

I have gambled and got into a hole its not over spending its the lying if I had been honest she would have been fine she said but the borrowing off her dad and then getting a court summons has pushed her to far and she said with no trust she cant be in a relationship I admit I am wrong just need a chance to show her

[specialmom]

Hi there and welcome.  Well, I'm very sorry things are so rough.  

What I'm reading is that this problem is actually with the TWO of you.  She is not blameless.  Sharing finances, budgets, etc. is an important thing in a relationship so that EVERYONE knows what the situation is and can contribute and do their share (including cutting back on spending, looking for a job their self to help out, etc.).  You two were not being a team regarding making money and spending money in your family.  She is to blame for that as well.  

I agree that racking up debt and not telling someone isn't great.  But it does happen.  Unless you have some sort of issue--- gambling, addictive shopping, etc then it is just a matter of spending more than you make.  At that point---  you had two options.  Tell her the issue and stop spending or have her begin working too to help bring in more income to afford your lifestyle or both.  I'm guessing you didn't tell her because you feared her reaction to either of those.  

You didn't tell her because you were afraid of her reaction.  Tell her this-----  that the reality of your financial situation isn't just your own doing----  that she will either have to work or you two will have to spend less but likely you will need both of these to make it financially.  And you were afraid that she'd become very upset at the thought of this so you were trying to see if you could work it out on your own.  But you couldn't.  You'd love nothing more than to be the perfect provider for her!!!  And you are humbled and embarrassed that you haven't been and that factors into your not wanting to tell her.  Talk about your communication as a couple and that you'd like to work on that as well as giving her an honest picture of your finances and what needs to happen to make things work.  

That's al you can do.  good luck