I need some advice!

[Missy4335]

I have been with my fiance for a year and a half and we have been engaged for a month now. He is moving with his roommates to a city which is an hour away from where I live. His current apartment is half an hour away. I was not worried about this at all and didn't mind it. I know it will be temporary until we are married in the June 2012. I was all happy and excited about this new stage in our relationship, until last night. I was over at my fiance's apartment and we were talking about the upcoming move. He had been stressed about finding a new place and they have been applying to a lot of 3 bedroom town homes and houses, not sure where they will be living yet. I kept telling him it'd be fine and it'll all work itself out. He tends to be a constant worrier, which drives me crazy!! Well he started worrying last night, saying that long distance relationships are hard, we won't be able to see each other that much, etc. Then he went on saying that we might not make it and look at our mutual friends relationship who failed after they went long distance. That totally killed the excitement of all of it for me and I got sucked into his worrying. The whole thing snow balled and turned into this big fight. I ended up leaving last night in tears to drive back to my place. I am now questioning whether or not we will make it as a couple or if the distance will tear us apart. His fears and worrying have now made me question everything and I hate it. I love him and he is my best friend, but I can't stand when he worries about everything. It makes me feel like he is not invested in the relationship and is doubting us. I really don't know what to do! How do I get him to stop worrying? He keeps saying he will work on his problems and will stop worrying about everything, but I'm not sure if there will be any changes. He said this before after a big fight we had several months ago and obviously has not changed. Am I stupid for staying with him? I was so sure that he was the one and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but I'm having doubts right now. How do you know you're making the right decision? I know I am writing this from being so upset, but I just don't want there to be more problems down the line. I want to fix this.

[Missy4335]

I don't know if he suffers from clinical anxiety. He hasn't been sleeping well lately because of all the stress he has, but he's normally fine and goes on with life easily. I have been looking for jobs around where he lives because we plan to live out that way after we marry.

I am graduating the May before we marry, so I wanted to be done with school before getting married, since it's cheaper, less stress, etc. He is working at a job which is his career and is moving up to a higher position next month. I am totally supportive of his job and I know he loves what he does, so I don't want him to lose that. I am also working at a job which is in my career path at a small private hospital. I have a lot of connections there and don't want to lose that either. I would never think of this being a way of breaking up with me because when I got mad and asked if he still wanted to be engaged, he had broke down crying and telling me that he only wanted me in this life.

He does recognize it is a problem. He keeps telling me he will work on his worrying problems and try to lessen all of the anxiety, but I don't know if it will happen or not. He just doesn't handle stress very well at all. Are there tips I can give him to better help him handle stress?

[mami1323]

My bestfriend was married to a guy just like this.  Stressed about every little thing and made her anxious with his anxiety.  Let's just say as life presented more complications, his anxiety increased and he wasn't able to live a normal life because of it.  It got so bad that they split after 15 years.  It's normal to stress about things but when you allow it to consume you, that's when it's an issue.  If this is something you hate about him, then just know unless he recognizes it as a problem, and works on his issues, it will just get worse over time.  Good luck.

[RockRose]

Hi Missy, you don't say how old you are but I'd be really concerned about this relationship.  Is there some reason after dating a year and a half you're engagement is so long - still more than a year away,  and now he's chosen to move away?

There are certainly reasons to wait,  like if one of you is still in school and will graduate the May before you marry.  That's understandable.

Or are you just  .  . . waiting and waiting?  

I would be concerned this is his way of breaking up.  Pretending to be all anxious about it because he's too timid to say he wants to break up,  but in fact,  choosing to move away.

Are both of your jobs so good that it's more important to be near your current job than it's important to be near each other?   (again,  that can be true,  for sure,  that a career path that you're both on is so promising with your companies that it's smart to choose the job over each other).

Best wishes.  I think you need to proceed with your eyes wide open.  

[specialmom]

Hm.  Well, as life goes on, it gets more complicated.  More to worry about.  As each new thing is added in, anxiety can grow.  Do you think your boyfriend suffers from clinical anxiety?  Does it interfere with his life?  I guess it is as it is causing problems in his relationship.  Has his sleep pattern changed at all (sleeping more or less than before)?  Has his eating increased or decreased?  Does he have trouble concentrating?  I just ask these questions because some really do have anxiety that needs to be addressed by a doctor.  And I think if you are contemplating a life with this man and his worrying is something you have trouble dealing with------------  you will need to help him understand that he needs to address it medically, spiritually or whatever or you may not be able to marry him.  I'm serious about that.  You've just been given a red flag about something you are not compatible about.  You are more easy going than he.  

Are you eventually looking for a job where he lives as you plan to marry?  Never hurts to start looking casually now.  It is a little over a year away.  

Talk to him about asking his doctor about anxiety.  good luck

[Missy4335]

We see each other almost every day right now and that will get cut down when he moves because of gas prices, our conflicting schedules, and some other reasons. He is moving because his roommates really want to move and also because he is moving closer to his job. He will live about a 5 minute drive from work at his new place. I am worried about his reaction to the move and how he freaked out over it. I didn't think it was a huge deal, but he's still nervous about it. I have no idea why though. He said he doesn't want me to get tired of the distance or have problems because of it. I reassure him ALL of the time that it's not a big deal and we'll make it through anything that comes our way, but it never seems to ease him. I don't know what else to do. It's beginning to really frustrate me and stress me out. He always says that all he wants in this life is me, so I don't think it has anything to do with us as a a couple, but I just don't understand why he's still freaking out. He didn't use to act like this and was a very optimistic person, always ready for a new adventure. I don't really have the money to move closer to him, because the apartment that my roommates and I have is a great deal and we can't find anything similar anywhere else. If I could find something, I'd consider moving, but it'd be hard. My job is close to where I am now and that would complicate the move, too. I never thought I would have doubts, but his reaction really scared me. I love the confident, calm guy I fell in love with. I don't know who this worrying guy is.We've been through hard times before and he didn't worry like he is now. I'm really confused.  

[specialmom]

Okay, I was on my way out the door when I wrote my previous response-------  and have now re read what you wrote and wanted to amend my response.  I was a bit off track.  

Your fiance does seem worried about this move.  I personally don't get the distance thing as an hour is not really a large distance.  Yes, you may not be able to spend the night during the week and do some of the more casual things you do now (although it is only 30 minutes farther away than now . . .) but you'll see each other a lot as an hour is certainly manageable.  But I have to ask if he is so concerned about this distance and how it will affect your relationship, why is he making the move?  Maybe it is not the best thing for him and he should wait until you two can move together there.  Maybe his self doubt about it is his inner voice that this is not what he should be doing.  He may also have some anxiety issues that cause that churning of thought that can really feel overwhelming.  If this is the case, he should talk to his doctor.  He does need to work on better ways of expressing his emotion than picking a fight.  

And I do still think that you will have to work on understanding your boyfriend better and trying to provide the emotional support he may need at times during the relationship.  

I'd call him and ask to sit down and talk.  Apologize for the part of the fight in which you were insensitive to his feelings and then say you want to discuss how he feels.  Let him open up to you in a safe way and express how you feel in return.  You weren't insecure about the move until HE started saying maybe you wouldn't make it.  Is he having second thoughts about the engagement?  But really talk and try to get a feel for what is going on.  He may just be an anxious personality and that may surface over and over within the relationship.  His ability to handle anxiety is important to work on and your ability to handle him when he is anxious is important to work on as well.  

Can you move to the city he is in sooner than when you marry in 2012?  Just wondering.  Not moving in with him but on your own?  

[specialmom]

Hm.  Well, it takes just under an hour for my husband to get to his office every day.  An hour is not really a long distance relationship in my mind.  My sister lives about 50 minutes from me and I will just go up to her place for dinner.  We live in a larger city------  it takes some time to get to people in the SAME city.  So, I'd not worry about the distance and encourage him to do the same.

He may just be nervous about the move in general.  And a good future wife is empathetic to that.  She would try to be encouraging, think of the bright side, offer suggestions on how it will be just fine (not like you won't see each other every weekend with only an hour distance between you), and just listen as he verbalizes how he is feeling.  What you don't want to do is turn it into "all about you" and how his mood is wrecking your excitment over the engagement.  That falls under being self absorbed and discounting how your partner is feeling.  

So, call him and apologize for being insensitive to his feelings.  And work on this for your future together.  Learning how to be a good partner to the one we love is important for a relationship to last.  And being a good listener and respectful of how someone else is feeling is an important part of that.  

good luck