Just need support

[SLadylani]

Hi everyone,
I've been having a hard past week or so, first with the series of ER visits for bowel impactions as my intestines decided to stop working (I finally found a herbal supplement that gets me to poop thank god!), the constant nausea and occasional vomiting, and the elevated levels of fatigue and pain. Lately I've been making one outingf a day and then coming home and sleeping until bedtime. The pain is exhausting and overwhelming, but again, I am almost out of pain killers as my primary only preszcribed me 20 percocets to last me a month as she doesn't beleive I have pain because my diagnosis is still in the works.

I'm scared because I also have a serious history of eating disorders. Today I tried to go out to my daily AA meeting but had to leave early because of the pain. I avoided taking painkillers for some reason, partially for knowing I only have a certain amount to last me another 3 weeks. I got home and started bingeing as if I were going to binge and purge. I knew I was doing it to distract from the pain. There are 3 things I worked damn good hard in my life to achieve, thats sobriety, recovery from eating disorders, and my RN. I don't want to relapse into eating disorders just to get away from pain but feel that's the only strong enough coping skill I have to combat pain.

On the 3rd the doctors offices open up again so I can call UCSD's MS specialty group who takes my insurance and who said that based on my symptoms I definitely need to come in. I'm just in a place spiritually were I just am frustrated and don't know how much longer I can take this. I've given up on doctors and have accepted that if I want help and if I want to find a diagnosis I need to do the work. I'm just frustrated and resentful against the entire medical profession right now, which is only hurting myself. I just wish people knew, or doctors-the people that seemingly control my life-, what quality of life I'm ;living at 23.

I'm becoming hopeless and depressed and feel as if I am being punished for doing something wrong. Why else would someone deserve pain like this and then have most people not believe they're in pain because they look so healthy?

Yesterday I got to help a 17 y/o after a car accident on the side of the road before the paramedics got there. I trully did help and make a difference. So I'm trying to remember that perhaps I still have a purpose here. And perhaps I just have to wait a little longer, and then asomeone will recognize my pain and I'll live the rest of my life with my pain palliated. I jjust have to live by hopes right now.

[SLadylani]

Thanls for all your well wishes and thoughts! And to Sarah, the herbal laxatives are Natural Balances Colon Cleanse and Natural Factors Ultra-Lax which contains calcium, licorice, and peppermint to name a few.

I found out I have a rheumatologists appointment scheduled for tomlorrow that I had scheduled months prior and forgot about. I am hoping this is a second chance to be heard as my first rheumatologist was a closed-minded quack apparently. I have prepared a symptom list and daily journal to take, just so the doctor can hopefully understand what a day in the life of me is like.

I'm not going in with any expectations as I have referrals into a pain specialist, GI doctor, and orthepedist, and MS center at UCSD, so all will not be lost if this does not go well. I've gotten on a more manageable pain prevention routine, so my spirits are a bit up. Plus pooping again helps.

Again, thank you all for being here, and know you all are in my thoughts as well :)

Sara

[SarahL2491]

Golly, you need a group hug!  Hang in there and if you don't already, keep a journal, it can really help both you and the docs.  I've been strugging for a Dx since 2005.
Mind if I ask which herbal suppliment you are using for BM assistance?  I've had a long bout of problems and am uncomfortable repeatedly taking lax....
If you are on any pain meds, they can constipate you something terrible!

Good luck and from an RN, thanks for helping the person on the side of the road!
You are a special person
Sarah

[suzsibs]

Hi Sara
Just wanted to say you have been in my thoughts over Xmas and the New Year.
Like Binx says, let's hope 2011 is a better year for all of us.
Stay strong, you know you can overcome your obstacles just take them one at a time.
Hugs
Suz

[illinwithoutacause]

you're more than welcome--it's what we're all here for, sara.  only others who are, or have been, residents of limboland truly know what a crummy experience it is to be here.

here's to a vastly improved new year for all of us,
xoxx
binx

[SLadylani]

Thanks for listening, or reading I should say :)

[illinwithoutacause]

dear sara,

i am so sorry you are going through so much right now, but i hope you can get some satisfaction through UCSD's MS clinic.  i know it sometimes takes a while to get into the university med center's system, but i am sure you will get top notch care once you are in there.

i think i am safe in saying that just about every member of this board can relate to your frustrations.  i was feeling utterly despondent a few nights ago, wondering when the karmic backlash will end and a break in the clouds will appear.

while in this dark place, i found an interesting web site the other day that i think you and others on this board might find helpful.  it is operated by a man who is an RN and suffers from MS.  he has used his illness as a vehicle to help those who suffer from chronic illness to help themselves.  check out:

davidsperorn [dot] com

i ordered a copy of his book and will let you know what i think about it.

in the coming days, i hope you can find something to do for yourself that will allow you to smile and maybe take your mind off of all of this for just a little while.  

please take good care,
xoxox
binx