That's it I reached my breaking point

[SLadylani]

When I woke up this morning, took every pill under the sun, and still was in excruciating pain, I called and begged, begged my rheumatologist to see me for just 15 minutes tomorrow. The answer was no and to try Urgent Care. So I paid $100 waited 3.5 hours and had a 2 minute session with the doctor telling me he could prescribe me nothing, not even topical lidocaine, and the go to the ER.

By the way, sorry if you're getting sick of my posts but I've had it and don't know what to do as I'm about to relapse-i.e. go out and get some heroine or alcohol and numb everything.

Long story short I called my spronsor in tears after the doctor left the room, as I felt I deserved a few extra minutes being that I paid $100 and only got 2 minutes and my body literally gave out at that point as I lost all hope. The charge nurse immediatley came into my room, asked me to leave, and then called security. Then, as I left and walked into the hall I collasped. My muscles became weak and they literally gave out, perhaps my body just sank into the tiredness as I had lost hope.

So they thought I was psychotic and called the cops.

Ya. That's my life. How could this get worse? I'll be out of my pain meds before I see my doctor, and I already can't take the pain with them. Pain is the number one reasoin for suicide, although I do want to live, just making a point. I just feel like if there's a God, he/she is putting me through Hell before I get relief and I fear this will get worse. I just seem to have the worst luck

I give up. Nothing I do works. I'm just done trying. I'm so sad my heart literally hurts. I'm so tired it hurts. And I physically hurt so much I don't even notice the other hurts, I need someone else to be my advocate and stand up for me, but my mom won't do it and my friends are busy. I just need help if Im gonna make it.

Sara

[suzsibs]

Just looked in to see how you were doing.

I always felt it was a weakness to ask for help from others but I know now it is actually a strength.

You are in my thoughts.

Suz

[SLadylani]

Oh I go to NA/AA meetings every day, continue to work the steps and work with a sponsor, and have reached out to other addicts/alcoholics that support me. Belive me, If I were gonna relapse, which I am at risk for as I'm in so much pain, I'd go out all out and call the newcomers in the program and go for the Heroine and not bother with the damn Vicodin whith is nothing but Tylenol to me!!

I just have a tolerance as my pain is so high and I used drugs for years. What I say, and whjat i hear from other sufferers of chronic pain at meetings, is that if they got high off the medication they would take the whole bottle and it'd be gone. I have no problem taking it as prescribed, which is not a relapse. Only problem is, I'm still in excrutiating pain, which is why I'm aty risk for relapse as I'm likely to fid alternative means to relieve my pain.

I even showed this to my doctors: Statistics show that addicts in recovery are more likely to relapse if their pain is not treated appropriately than if it is, because if no medication is given they are likely to try and "fix" the pain themselves with street driugs. It's funny, I have such a tolerance and so much pain i don't even feel the mental effects of narcotics anymore.

Why I'm seeking relief from pain is for my recovery. I feel spiriitually disconnected and like an angry person when I'm in pain and I don't like that person. I want to be the old happy me who is able to give back to other people. I don't like having to ask others for help, I like giving better than recieving,

All I want is to be out of pain. I worked so hard to get to where I;m at. And I'm a Hospice nurse. i fight for people to not be in pain, and now I need to turn that fight for myself. None of you deserve to be in pain either. I will continue to fight for myself as I do my patients, no matter what doctors say. The people in NA/AA know me ad know my motives as they are the ones who hear me share from the heart and watch me grow.

I just need all the support I can get right now, because reality is, I can never rely on just one single perso, for people are human, and will eventually let me down, just bas I am sure I have let others down.

Again, thank you all for being here!

Sara

[testdeprived]

i sent  u a friend request but  udidnt accept....anyway gl

[suzsibs]

Wish I could help you, in some way.
I really think Maria has given some good advice to you, please try to get some support from a group, we are here for you if you need to rant.
hugs
Suz

[MrsAristotle]

Hi sara have you spoke to your alcohol and drug support group? I think you need to or if you dont have one then find one urgently.

If you read one of my posts to you, I did say you could be heading for a relapse.........

If you are dependent on pain relief your symptoms do get worse because the drug is crying out for relief not you........the trouble is when you go in so anxious to ER they see a drug addict not someone who is in pain.

You really need support right now we can give it to you on the forum but I think you need real support to get through this.  I found this on the Internet not sure it will help or not.

http://www.thegooddrugsguide.com/info/drug-helplines/index.htm

Why dont I take pain meds? Because I have seen people addicted to them even my husband takes too many and I worry over him and the pain worsens because it needs the chemicals. So your pain is getting worse and worse for you.xx

Anyway you really must ring someone to support you right now please.

OK. Maria

[lydia231]

I feel so sad after reading your post. I wish there was something I could say that would ease your pain. All I can offer you is a heartfelt prayer that you will find a caring doctor who can help you.

Blessings and hugs