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My BF chooses to masterbate and watch porn over having sex with me, how...
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My BF chooses to masterbate and watch porn over having sex with me, how do we get through this?

let me start off by by telling you that my BF and I have been together for just under a year, and its been a really hard year, for the past 4 or 5 months we have been fighting about our sex life... or lack there of.
when we first started fighting about it, he made me feel as if there was something wrong with me because I wanted to have sex more often. he said his libido just wasnt into sex more then once a week, so just get used to it.
I tried everything, I know that my BF has a boob fetish, we've talked about it, Im very thin (actually seeing a doctor about not being able to gain weight) and I really dont have much there for him. it hurts me to know that Im lacking something so important to him, but we brought porn into the bedroom to help us through. it helped for a while. but some of the porn worried me a fair bit. I have an oral fixation, I always have, I love preforming oral sex, its a big turn on for me. My bf showed me his collection of oral sex videos hes downloaded from the internet, and  in the videos, the guys are making the girls puke...on purpose. it was weird for me, I'd never seen  it before but he expressed that he found it really hot and he wanted to try it. I cant puke, my gag reflex just isnt that strong.but I guess just trying to make me was enough for him. after hitting another slow period, as a suprise I got him a digi cam for valentines day, and told him maybe we coud make our own movies. we did, and that also helped for a bit, but now even that has stopped. I have bought toys to try and rekindle his interest, Ive tried talking to him and telling him I need more, but no matter how gentle I am , he always makes me feel bad for bringing it up. everytime he initiates oral sex with me, he is trying to make me puke, which really takes the fun out of it for me , and Ive told him so. he has since then started waiting for me to go to sleep and sat in front of his computer and pleasured himself. after this happened for a few nights, I addressed the topic with him, he denyed it, even after being caught when I got up to get a drink!?!
I didn't know what to do, and was curious about what he was so intently wrapped up in, (never in our relationship has he ever been this active at masterbating (masturbating)) and I simply dont know what to feel about what Ive found. Im a forward thinker when it comes to stuff like that, I'm 25, I grew up with open mindedness about sex, but some of what I saw just scared methere were countless rape videos, and some labeled as incest videos and ...I hope I need to say no more but ...foriegn object videos?
I am at such a loss here. I dont know what to do. I tried to talk to him about this, and he ... after much deflecting, confessed an addiction to porn. Ive never heard this. Ive heard of sex addiction, but never porn/masterbating so I googled it. it seems most articles I find about porn addiction suggest that he should have a heightened libido. I dont really know where to go to get info, and I want to be delicate about this, but im upset and im hurt and I dont know who to talk to.
can I help him through this?
should I even want to? (guess you cant answer that huh?)
is this a typical issue?
Its beginning to mess with my mental health, Ive never really been insecure about my looks before, but I feel like he finds me unattractive. help me understand this better, please.
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10 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_f_tn
I am so sorry to hear this...yes people are addicted to porn. they have an episode on MTV True Life I am addicted to porn, its quite interesting/yet upsetting.People (usually men I believe, and sometimes this does ruin relationships.) some people really can't control themselves when it comes to that...have you spoken to him about how you feel exactly? Since he has admitted his problem is he going to take action? a therapist? counsuling? rehab?
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Avatar_f_tn
I wouldn't waste anymore time with this man and make sure to burn the video the two of you made together.

is this what you want you life to be like.and he was right when he said get us to it.

I know how you must feel and you don't want to be like this your hole life with someone like this.

so I would move on and let him have his porn.
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Avatar_m_tn
Its very interesting to read this post and appreciate your patience in explaining it so well. I had a browsing centre of my own few years back and used to see a lot of people with different kind of mind sets. Young people used to come to my centre which was good for privacy as it had closed doors and locks inside. I realized that most of the young guys used to watch porn and very addicted to it. Everyday I used to see the same people doing the same thing again and again. I was once surprised to see a gentleman around 40 years come to my centre and take over a system for hours together. Then he started coming everyday and guess what he used to get lots of CDs with him. This gentleman used to get videos of hidden cams, upskirts and so. Sometimes girls used to come over and see blue films too.

If you have observed here you can find out that all people are mostly addicted to porn in some or the other way.

In my case I had a very good sexual appetite whereas my girl friend was very scared and coservative. Though she likes making love she never used to go forward for a sexual intercourse. Today I am in your position if you see the other way round.

For your question anything is possible in this world. If you truly love this guy then go ahead and give him your support as much as possible. I would suggest Meditation everyday for atleast 10 to 15 minutes in the beginning and going forward 30 minutes to 1 hour. This will really help him in getting out of this addiction.

Try your best and see if it works! All the best

Cheers
Rocky
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1060231_tn?1338393735
he's addicted to porn and he feels thats the only way he will get satisfied.he don't realize all that screaming and aggressiveness the girls show is nothing but acting.us men al wish sex could be like that in the real world and i'm sure ther are some people that get excited like the porn girls do.he needs to come to the conclusion that porn is mostly a fantacy world.its good for a quick fix.i hope i was of some help to you.good luck
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Avatar_f_tn
I can only imagine what you are going through. I am a psychologist and have my degree in sexual relationships and relationship therapy. Fortunately, this is a subject that I am very familiar with.
First of all, let me start out by saying that masturbation for a man is sooo normal. Any boyfriend or even husband you have WILL masturbate. It doesn't mean that he doesn't find you attractive, in fact you can be the most beautiful girl in the world in his eyes but masturbation is very normal and is essential for a male's sex life. It gives him time to fantasize about things that he would probably never do and especially never want YOU to do.
However, porn addiction is a little different and a very hard habit to break. Porn addiction, like any other addiction, has a underlying meaning to it and from what it sound like he has a forn of depression. Talk to him, get him to tell you why he finds pornography comforting. Again, this doesn't mean that he doesn't find you unattractive but it can mean that he isn't intrested in the relationship anymore.
As Rocky said, meditation can be very very helpful. But I suggest that he talks to a pyschologist about this. It sounds like there are other things that he needs to talk to someone about.
Let me know if you have any questions at all.
Cheers, Jordan
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Avatar_n_tn
I just want to throw something in here is that maybe he is having other issues; ED, performance anxiety, etc?
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Avatar_f_tn
Firstly did you not read what she said about how thin she is?? Your a ******* waste of space and the reason some girls have low self esteem!!! Secondly I am sorry to hear your position, it was a while ago that u posted but I have only
stumbled across it today facing a similar hurdle. I would be interested to hear how things are with you and your partner now. I am studying pornographys effect on relationships and the common link with personality disorders and would be keen to hear your experiences. If your interested please let me know and we can arrange contact.
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Avatar_n_tn
He is sex addicted in someway, watching porn is normal for all guys, nothing scary about that. First things first. Does he want to control or not, if not you cant change that easy.
Sex is something for pleasure and reproduction both but excess of everything is always bad.
Your growing of breast is same as his growing penis, very less chances, maybe after pregnancy you can a bit. My ex had small breast but i was in love with her and she also had too wet vagina but i was still committed to her and never cheated.
The importance of relationship is not settled on basis of sex and if that is the case be wise to think again because you are not married yet.
One more thing, no man prefers masturbating over sex, are you sure he is honest. secondly try to control your sex needs and lower it down by dividing your attention and when you will have sex after longer time you will enjoy it more and it will stay longer. We are not porn stars with 12 inch penis or huge vaginas. So keep sex as a part of life and not life as a purpose of sex.
Good luck
Shaz
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1279364_tn?1280686188
First of all I just want to say that I think you are a hell of a girl for being as openminded as you are! Please take that seriously.

Something that no one else seems to be adressing is that you are concerned about two different things here: First his obsession with porn in comparison to your sex life & second some of the porn he watches worries you.

As I am sure you have figured out from everyone else's posts, porn is a legit addiction problem. I have watched it tear couples up just like any other addiction. He has a problem & he needs to want to address it.

The second issue: You need to tell him is there is porn you are not comfortable with! If it scares you, bringing that up with him is your first priority! Ask him why he watches what he does & discuss it with him If he won't discuss it & be open, then move on. I know it can be hard to do so, but this does not sound healthy to me. It is one thing to having a passing fantasy over certain fetishes, but obsession over certain things can be dangerous because obsession can blur the line between reality & fantasy. If he can't discuss it openly, then I honestly suggest you move on. Even then, if you aren't comfortable you should move on.

Just my thoughts.
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Avatar_f_tn
I'm so sorry. The big question is have you talked about how this makes you feel. I dont think you should be with someone like this because you suffer and you don't have too. Another serious question is would he want to change bc what he's going through is not healthy physically,mentally and spiritually.
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