Aa
WHY?!
I am coming here because I am at a loss for what to do. To start this off, my husband and I have been married for close to 3 years now. Him, 22 and myself, 21. While we were dating our sex life was AMAZING! Not just the frequency (atleast once a day), but for me...it was the best sex I have ever had. It was always passionate, never dull. But once we got married, it all changed. We did argue a lot, so I can now understand why sex was put on the back burner. I never lost interest, it has always been him.
After coming to a "good standing" in our relationship, our sex life still has yet to change. I have never felt self conscience about myself until this all started. Even though I feel low about myself, my drive for a constant need of sex has never went away. I feel as though I have to beg my husband for sex! I hate it, I feel pathetic. I've gotten to the point where I ask him if we can have sex and he always puts up some sort of a fight. Whether it be a flat out no, ignores me, or tells me he just wants to cuddle. He says all I think about is sex. Which I do want sex often, almost everyday. Though I do not feel as if that is out of the norm with my age. I've had quite a few partners before my husband and vice versa, but what I "get" from sex with him is more than just sex. I guess you could say sex is a way that I express my love to him. It is something that can not be duplicated or shared with anyone else. Now I'm not saying there aren't other ways to express love because we/ I do show it in other ways.
I've asked him if he is tired of the same old sex with the same person, would he like variety? He says no. I ask him if he just isn't attracted to me anymore, no. I ask him if there is something he'd like to change within our sex life, no. He isn't on any medications. I do not believe he is cheating on me even though he is home on a come and go basis due to his job. He says that it isn't me, it is him. But I can't help, but to feel that IT IS ME. I don't know what about me, but I just feel as though it is.
We have had a child, but please keep in mind that the problem started way before my pregnancy and the birth of our child. My body has slightly changed, he says he still thinks I am beautiful. But I do not feel beautiful, I feel like crap. I am at my wits end! I feel like this is ruining our marriage.
Please if you have any advice, I would greatly appreciate it.
TIA
After coming to a "good standing" in our relationship, our sex life still has yet to change. I have never felt self conscience about myself until this all started. Even though I feel low about myself, my drive for a constant need of sex has never went away. I feel as though I have to beg my husband for sex! I hate it, I feel pathetic. I've gotten to the point where I ask him if we can have sex and he always puts up some sort of a fight. Whether it be a flat out no, ignores me, or tells me he just wants to cuddle. He says all I think about is sex. Which I do want sex often, almost everyday. Though I do not feel as if that is out of the norm with my age. I've had quite a few partners before my husband and vice versa, but what I "get" from sex with him is more than just sex. I guess you could say sex is a way that I express my love to him. It is something that can not be duplicated or shared with anyone else. Now I'm not saying there aren't other ways to express love because we/ I do show it in other ways.
I've asked him if he is tired of the same old sex with the same person, would he like variety? He says no. I ask him if he just isn't attracted to me anymore, no. I ask him if there is something he'd like to change within our sex life, no. He isn't on any medications. I do not believe he is cheating on me even though he is home on a come and go basis due to his job. He says that it isn't me, it is him. But I can't help, but to feel that IT IS ME. I don't know what about me, but I just feel as though it is.
We have had a child, but please keep in mind that the problem started way before my pregnancy and the birth of our child. My body has slightly changed, he says he still thinks I am beautiful. But I do not feel beautiful, I feel like crap. I am at my wits end! I feel like this is ruining our marriage.
Please if you have any advice, I would greatly appreciate it.
TIA
Hey I had a very similar situation and it turns out that all we need to do is experiment a bit. Try new things that seem interesting. Play role playing games. Have fun with it. Blind fold him and make him want it. Only the two of you can bring that spark back.
Not to be insulting but this is a good example of why getting married so young is a bad idea. The divorce rate for young couples is through the roof.
Speaking in general terms a guy stops having sex with his partner when he's getting it from somewhere else or he's checked out of the relationship. The "I'm tired" excuse only goes so far. I certainly believe he has a tough, demanding job but that really shouldn't impact things that much. I don't know many 22 year old men who go from having a huge sexual appetite to almost nothing because they're tired. Trust me, we "suck it up" and have sex. Given the opportunity a guy can, and will, have sex with a woman he hates just because he's attracted to her.
That's not to say that he's definitely cheating on you or wants to be with someone else... there's no way for me to know that. But it's certainly a possibility and one I'm sure you've considered yourself.
The fact that he seems angry, annoyed, and even condascending toward you when you want to have sex is, for lack of a better way of putting it, just plain not nice and it shows a real lack of interest in your feelings. He could certainly be treating you better in that regard. That makes me angry personally to hear him react the way he's reacting.
Have you ever just flat out had a conversation about this that lasted more than a few minutes? I know you've asked him about it but it seems he's full of a lot of excuses. And what does it mean when he says "it's not you, it's me?" What does he mean? Okay, so "it's him." What ABOUT him? What's going on with him? Does he just not want it anymore? Is there something going on with him that he doesn't want to tell you or talk about?
IT IS NOT YOU. I would definitely believe him when he says that. But given that, you're entitled to some answers here because clearly this isn't working for you and clearly he has no interest in talking about it. Any number of things could be going on with him but clearly somethig has changed and that's not necesserily something bad or huge or unfixable.... But it's something that does need to be talked about and worked on if you have any hope of keeping your family together. So whether he likes it or not you need to work this out and if that means therapy then that's a good idea. There are any number of places you could seek out, not the least of which (as has been mentioned) are the services the military might offer.
Other ideas would be calling a local church and/or hospital and see if they can refer you to any counseling services.
Open up the yellow pages and there's usually a list of 1-800 number support lines. There's always one for general depression. Try calling that and talking to the depression counselor there. Speaking from personal experience I have had some great, helpful conversations on the support line and it can help put things in perspective. Even better, they can often refer you to mental health services in your area including therapy, support groups, etc. I don't know if "marriage counseling" would be something they would be able to look up but it IS a free phone call, someone to talk to, and they may be able to refer you somewhere.
Speaking in general terms a guy stops having sex with his partner when he's getting it from somewhere else or he's checked out of the relationship. The "I'm tired" excuse only goes so far. I certainly believe he has a tough, demanding job but that really shouldn't impact things that much. I don't know many 22 year old men who go from having a huge sexual appetite to almost nothing because they're tired. Trust me, we "suck it up" and have sex. Given the opportunity a guy can, and will, have sex with a woman he hates just because he's attracted to her.
That's not to say that he's definitely cheating on you or wants to be with someone else... there's no way for me to know that. But it's certainly a possibility and one I'm sure you've considered yourself.
The fact that he seems angry, annoyed, and even condascending toward you when you want to have sex is, for lack of a better way of putting it, just plain not nice and it shows a real lack of interest in your feelings. He could certainly be treating you better in that regard. That makes me angry personally to hear him react the way he's reacting.
Have you ever just flat out had a conversation about this that lasted more than a few minutes? I know you've asked him about it but it seems he's full of a lot of excuses. And what does it mean when he says "it's not you, it's me?" What does he mean? Okay, so "it's him." What ABOUT him? What's going on with him? Does he just not want it anymore? Is there something going on with him that he doesn't want to tell you or talk about?
IT IS NOT YOU. I would definitely believe him when he says that. But given that, you're entitled to some answers here because clearly this isn't working for you and clearly he has no interest in talking about it. Any number of things could be going on with him but clearly somethig has changed and that's not necesserily something bad or huge or unfixable.... But it's something that does need to be talked about and worked on if you have any hope of keeping your family together. So whether he likes it or not you need to work this out and if that means therapy then that's a good idea. There are any number of places you could seek out, not the least of which (as has been mentioned) are the services the military might offer.
Other ideas would be calling a local church and/or hospital and see if they can refer you to any counseling services.
Open up the yellow pages and there's usually a list of 1-800 number support lines. There's always one for general depression. Try calling that and talking to the depression counselor there. Speaking from personal experience I have had some great, helpful conversations on the support line and it can help put things in perspective. Even better, they can often refer you to mental health services in your area including therapy, support groups, etc. I don't know if "marriage counseling" would be something they would be able to look up but it IS a free phone call, someone to talk to, and they may be able to refer you somewhere.
Have him ask the chaplain. Someone in the chaplains chain of command should know. You know that you could ask the base chaplain?
Yes, the insurance provider is still Tricare. I will have to look into it. I asked my husband through email today if he would ask someone on the ship, one of his higher up's, if they knew what services they provided. It just makes it difficult because he is always coming and going. He hardly has time at home, I don't know how he will have time for appointments.
No, he has never been deployed before. This will be his first one, if he makes it. He is attempting for an early out for college, whether he gets it or not...we won't know until it's close to the deployment.
He is very quiet usually, he doesn't really talk about his feelings. But there are times he will talk of being depressed. Like I mentioned earlier, his job and feeling as though he can't give us the things he would like to.
But the thing that gets me is like I said, this started when we first got married. Where he was stationed before here, on shore duty, was "cake walk" (as he says). He usually got off work before 4pm and never really had much to do at work. But he would still come home tired and with hardly any interest in sex.
I'm just coming to the conclusion that he has lost interest and maybe I should move on. I know he isn't into drugs, if he is he hides it very well. When we do have sex, he does it enjoy it or so it seems. I'm just at a loss. I don't know anymore?!
A part of me wants to break down and cry, but I've cried enough already over this. Another part wants to just scream because I am so angry, but I'm too emotionally exhausted for that. I've tried to sit him down and talk to him, according to him...there isn't a problem. Other than me wanting sex non-stop. But the thing is, it isn't so much the frequency...it would just be nice to not be rejected when I initiated. Everytime I do he tries to stop me some how, some way.
Right before he left for this currence 10 day trail, we showered together. Once we got out and gave him a nice long back rub in bed and he tells me that he has to get up (after I finished) because he was going to pass out if he didn't. So he goes out in the living room, plops down on the couch, and I asked him if he wanted to have sex. He sat there quiet and I watched him close his eyes. I asked him if he heard me, he said yes and repeated what I had asked him. Then there was silence, I took that as a no and he went to sleep. He only had 4 hours home until he had to return, he slept for about 3 of them.
He is very quiet usually, he doesn't really talk about his feelings. But there are times he will talk of being depressed. Like I mentioned earlier, his job and feeling as though he can't give us the things he would like to.
But the thing that gets me is like I said, this started when we first got married. Where he was stationed before here, on shore duty, was "cake walk" (as he says). He usually got off work before 4pm and never really had much to do at work. But he would still come home tired and with hardly any interest in sex.
I'm just coming to the conclusion that he has lost interest and maybe I should move on. I know he isn't into drugs, if he is he hides it very well. When we do have sex, he does it enjoy it or so it seems. I'm just at a loss. I don't know anymore?!
A part of me wants to break down and cry, but I've cried enough already over this. Another part wants to just scream because I am so angry, but I'm too emotionally exhausted for that. I've tried to sit him down and talk to him, according to him...there isn't a problem. Other than me wanting sex non-stop. But the thing is, it isn't so much the frequency...it would just be nice to not be rejected when I initiated. Everytime I do he tries to stop me some how, some way.
Right before he left for this currence 10 day trail, we showered together. Once we got out and gave him a nice long back rub in bed and he tells me that he has to get up (after I finished) because he was going to pass out if he didn't. So he goes out in the living room, plops down on the couch, and I asked him if he wanted to have sex. He sat there quiet and I watched him close his eyes. I asked him if he heard me, he said yes and repeated what I had asked him. Then there was silence, I took that as a no and he went to sleep. He only had 4 hours home until he had to return, he slept for about 3 of them.
You would be surprised at the counseling services available to military families, unless that has been cut too. Is it still called tricare (I think that was what family insurance was called?) You may want to look up and see what providers may be available.
It sounds liike he may have sublimated anger issues or control issues. Whether they have anything to do with you is uncertain.
It sounds liike he may have sublimated anger issues or control issues. Whether they have anything to do with you is uncertain.
Just fishing, because this is a curious situation...
You mention that he's not yet deployed. Has he BEEN deployed in the past? If so, could this be a case of PTSD?
You mention that he's not yet deployed. Has he BEEN deployed in the past? If so, could this be a case of PTSD?
Maybe he's depressed... not chronically depressed; but possibly he's going through the situational sort of Depression where people feel temporarily down and out of it and disinterested in usual enjoyments... such as sex.
No, he isn't on anything at all. The only sort of drugs he takes is Tylenol for headaches whenever he has one.
I'm just throwing this out there, and in no way implying that he is, but could he be taking some sort of drugs? A lot of drugs (both legal & illegal) tend to kill the libido.
Is he on medication of any sort?
Is he on medication of any sort?
I know that I keep rambling, but I would just like to add...
I know he is stressed about his job, it's a big stress on the both of us. He is not deployed (yet), but his ship is working up to that within the next couple of months. He believes once his contract is up the added stress will lessen. While I do find this some what true, he will always have a job and so will I. It just concerns me after the Navy, what "excuse" will it be next? Our financial status is "okay". We aren't going without, but there are things we would like, but can not afford. He has told me he feels like a failure because there are things he can not buy me even though he works hard, his pay remains the same with a few dollars of a difference depending on his Sea Pay. I have never been about money, I stay at home with our little one and my husband providing for us is plenty enough for me. As long as the bills are paid, there is food on the table, and gas in the cars, I am happy.
I don't know how to get this across to him, I appreciate him as much as he says he appreciates me.
When he is not ship bound, he comes home and spends time with our little one. I usually make dinner or he helps out, we clean up together, and once our little one is in bed we either go to bed or watch a movie and cuddle on the couch. But when I mention sex, he says he is tired, he feels sick, something hurts, "Babe, later...", or he gives me this look that makes me feel like he is thinking "Awh, aren't you cute...you want to have sex.".
And if I try to initiate sex, he acts like I'm some sort of Nymphomaniac freak. Which maybe in a way I am? I feel like nothing really stops me from craving sex with him. I feel no desire to cheat, it's not sex that I am looking for...it's him. I guess it has become an emotional need rather than a physical need. I just feel that couples our age should have sex more than maybe 3 times a month, we have gone as long as 8 weeks without sex.
I know he is stressed about his job, it's a big stress on the both of us. He is not deployed (yet), but his ship is working up to that within the next couple of months. He believes once his contract is up the added stress will lessen. While I do find this some what true, he will always have a job and so will I. It just concerns me after the Navy, what "excuse" will it be next? Our financial status is "okay". We aren't going without, but there are things we would like, but can not afford. He has told me he feels like a failure because there are things he can not buy me even though he works hard, his pay remains the same with a few dollars of a difference depending on his Sea Pay. I have never been about money, I stay at home with our little one and my husband providing for us is plenty enough for me. As long as the bills are paid, there is food on the table, and gas in the cars, I am happy.
I don't know how to get this across to him, I appreciate him as much as he says he appreciates me.
When he is not ship bound, he comes home and spends time with our little one. I usually make dinner or he helps out, we clean up together, and once our little one is in bed we either go to bed or watch a movie and cuddle on the couch. But when I mention sex, he says he is tired, he feels sick, something hurts, "Babe, later...", or he gives me this look that makes me feel like he is thinking "Awh, aren't you cute...you want to have sex.".
And if I try to initiate sex, he acts like I'm some sort of Nymphomaniac freak. Which maybe in a way I am? I feel like nothing really stops me from craving sex with him. I feel no desire to cheat, it's not sex that I am looking for...it's him. I guess it has become an emotional need rather than a physical need. I just feel that couples our age should have sex more than maybe 3 times a month, we have gone as long as 8 weeks without sex.
"I told him to end it, he said he did. He lied. He hasn't talked to her in over a year, or so I know of. I don't go around snooping in his stuff to check up on him, but he openly gives me his passwords and such."
I am a wee bit tired so I know that didn't make sense. I asked him to end it, he said he did and lied. I found out again and I gave him the finale chance to end it. He did and (as far as I know) he has not spoken to her in over a year.
I am a wee bit tired so I know that didn't make sense. I asked him to end it, he said he did and lied. I found out again and I gave him the finale chance to end it. He did and (as far as I know) he has not spoken to her in over a year.
Therapy is a great choice, but with his schedule (Navy) it makes it seeking help difficult. Also, I do not believe that the Navy offers marriage/sex counseling, only "family counseling". I'm not really sure what that covers...?
Our arguements were over issues with him. He had an ex who constantly contacted him throughout the first couple of months of our marriage. He lied about texting and email, although I found out on my own. I used his phone for texting and his sent box was full so I could not receive the text I was waiting for. When I opened it, I read what he had said back. It was nothing that was crossing the lines with me, it was normal convo. But when I read his "trash" her replies made me feel very uncomfortable. Never once did I read an text or email that he sent that was questionable. The only thing that was questionable was him hiding it. If it "wasn't a big deal" do not hide or lie about it. Her emails and texts started to become more frequent and desperate. I told him to end it, he said he did. He lied. He hasn't talked to her in over a year, or so I know of. I don't go around snooping in his stuff to check up on him, but he openly gives me his passwords and such.
We've argued a lot about that. We've talked about it and he claims that it wasn't her that he wanted, he wanted freedom to talk to who he wanted to talk to (they were close friends or so I've heard). I understand that, but if she was only attempting to keep a friendship, I'd be okay. But that was not the case.
Like I have said, we have gotten past that, or atleast I have. I've made it clear that I will not fight over him with another female. If he wants to leave, leave. Do I want him to leave? No. But I'm not going to play a high school game over my husband.
That and sex has been our only big problems.
Our arguements were over issues with him. He had an ex who constantly contacted him throughout the first couple of months of our marriage. He lied about texting and email, although I found out on my own. I used his phone for texting and his sent box was full so I could not receive the text I was waiting for. When I opened it, I read what he had said back. It was nothing that was crossing the lines with me, it was normal convo. But when I read his "trash" her replies made me feel very uncomfortable. Never once did I read an text or email that he sent that was questionable. The only thing that was questionable was him hiding it. If it "wasn't a big deal" do not hide or lie about it. Her emails and texts started to become more frequent and desperate. I told him to end it, he said he did. He lied. He hasn't talked to her in over a year, or so I know of. I don't go around snooping in his stuff to check up on him, but he openly gives me his passwords and such.
We've argued a lot about that. We've talked about it and he claims that it wasn't her that he wanted, he wanted freedom to talk to who he wanted to talk to (they were close friends or so I've heard). I understand that, but if she was only attempting to keep a friendship, I'd be okay. But that was not the case.
Like I have said, we have gotten past that, or atleast I have. I've made it clear that I will not fight over him with another female. If he wants to leave, leave. Do I want him to leave? No. But I'm not going to play a high school game over my husband.
That and sex has been our only big problems.
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