Husband wont have sex with me!!

[LONELYANDBROKEN]

My husband and I have been together for three years. At first our sex lives were great all except he wouldn't let me give him oral sex. This lasted a few months and then slowly our sex has dwindled down to three times a month, then one time a month and now, today I was informed that I should just be thankful for what we have and not think about having sex any longer. This has tore me up inside. I feel so broken and hurt.He rarely gives me a peck on the mouth when he leaves for work and pets the dog more than he even touches me. I'm so sad. I just don't understand what's going on. He says that he has no desire to have sex anymore. I feel this is selfish of him not to want to please me at least. I'm just at my wits end.

lonely and broken

[ginjaa]

I know this post is very old but I just stumbled across it and would love to know where everyone is right now in their situations

[Lorielle]

Its so sad!  I think usually its the wife who has these "sexual shut downs".  But the guy who does the Men are from Mars/Women are from Venus, says that men sometimes shut down when their wife continually denies them OR when their wife is TOO demanding and expects it so often and in a certain way, etc.   Anyway, i just got back from my marriage counselor who also sees me and my husband separately and she told me that between 50 and 80% of couples have sexual problems of one kind or another.    I think some of these men in these posts might actually have a problem with having sex because they are feeling guilty because you're not married, perhaps?  Anyway, i know when I was first married, i expected it a lot and demanded it a lot and my husband shut down a little.  Now we're the other way around.  I just think we ALL need help, whether from a self-help book (there are lots, one of my favorite was "Mars and Venus in the Bedroom"), or from a therapist, or from clergy or through prayer.   May we all get the help we so desperately need.  

[green eyed lady]

Reading these posts have made me so sad and I am so sorry for what everyone is going through. I believe sex is a very important part of a relationship and it's also so important for our well being...the last poster can attest to that.

I on the other hand have the opposite problem. My problem isn't the lack of sex, my problem is that sex is the only thing that is/was keeping us together. Great sexual chemistry has kept me in a relationship that is emotionally abusive. Let me explain.

I recently broke up with BF of 3 yrs because he has addiction problems. In retrospect the ONLY thing that has kept me in this relationship for so long was our sexual relationship. I have NEVER felt so loved, so desired and so satisfied than when we were in bed together. He could lie to me and he would just look at me and even though I was so upset and hurt I would melt and the next thing I know we are in bed together.

The reason why I mention this is because I don't believe people really take into account how important sex or the lack thereof, is in a relationship...it can literally make it or break it...and in my case it *made it*. I let passion cloud my judgement and I put up with things that I never would have imagined I would (not cheating, I cannot abide by that..ex cheated). Even now that we aren't together and I'm in the process of moving 3 hrs away, I cannot be around him for very long because I want that passion back so badly that I'm afraid that I will make decisions that will hurt my future, ie.. not moving away from him, as he is toxic to my mental health.

I see both sides of the coin on this one and I believe that both can be equally as destructive. I really am afraid that I will never find this kind of passion again. I never would have imagined how truly important sex is to a HEALTHY relationship. I wish you all the best in finding your *happy medium* so everyone is content. E

[uplate]

Outside of my therapist, I haven't spoken of this to anyone EVER -- but after reading your posts I am compelled to vomit out my story, because I believe (not to sound melodramatic) that this no sex stuff is literally killing me (I've got cancer).  I love sex and I used to be pretty wild with my last boyfriend.  But with my current guy, I haven't had it in -- I can't believe this -- 11 years!!!!  (He suffers from retarded ejaculation).  He is everything I still want in a man, attractive, my best friend etc and I love him deeply.  I know he loves me, but he doesn't desire me and I need both, which makes me mad and feeling sooooo rejected.   He was raised in a tight lipped religious family  so when it comes to talking about sex, it is difficult and painful for him to even talk about.  I suspect he was abused but he share's very little about his past.  He says he went to a urologist long ago to check it out and the doc said the problem was psychological but he's never addressed it, since.  Other women left him because of this, which of course, made any trust issues worse.  Knowing all this,  I have always been encouraging and supportive and I never want to shame him so it's gotten to the point where talking about it has become taboo.  The problems started soon after we became intimate.  He'd get frustrated as sex was painful for him since he couldn't orgasm.  He doesn't even jerk off.  So I'd try everything I could think of and also let him know there was no pressure, how much I loved him, didn't think he was gay etc.  But as the months passed, it soon became evident the interest seemed to be only on my part.  Then he began to show any lack of interest in pleasing me and just lay there with his eyes closed.  One night, I felt so guilty, like I'd raped him or something, I stopped trying to initiate sex.  The problem was, by this time we were in love so we didn't want to part company.  It's like we entered into some unspoken deal that I would accept it and I just shut down too.  Occasionally I'd cry 'cause I couldn't take it anymore; ask him the usual questions such as : Is it me? etc.  He always said, no, it's him.  Again, when it comes to this subject he's not the sharing type so it's hard to draw him out.  In every other way he's been  faithful -- home all the time, supportive, etc.  So... I don't want to dump him and before I know it, ******* YEARS  pass.  As a friend of mine once said:  If you're not feeding one hole you're feeding another.  I began a  love affair -- unfortunately, it was with my refrigerator.  I packed on the pounds --   a LOT of pounds.     I blame this no sex thing as the initial 'cause but I also take responsibility for my blimpatude because, weirdly, I knew what I was doing, yet I continued to chow down anyway.    Then deeper depression set in, I developed thyroid problems and my hair started falling out -- there is, I painfully admit, a certain safety in becoming a total hag, because now it is my excuse for not wanting to be intimate (not that I'm ever asked by him).  Recently, I got a harsh wake up call that is finally making me face this enormous part of my life that I've ignored.   I was just diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer.  I am in the process of treatment and see it as a wake up call to change my life.   At the same time, ironically, I don't know how I would get through facing this illness without him.  He's been my rock, supportive, loving and attentive.   So here I am.   Over the last few months, for myself, I've made some radical changes -- finally been eating healthy, exercising and speaking up about things that bother me.  I even talked to him about tackling this sex issue when I get better, but I can tell, even tho' he said he would, it's something he's afraid to do.  I still don't want to leave him (I ask myself, would I leave my husband if he became paralyzed -- it's kind of like that).  Sometimes I think about having an affair but am ambivalent.   As I re-read this, I think:  I sound like some long, silently suffering martyr but I honestly don't view myself that way.  I stayed in this relationship of my own free will.   I'm just extremely confused, sad and privately waffle between deep sympathy for him and anger at him.   But this time, I am determined not to let my illness be yet another excuse for not dealing with this.  I can't keep choking down how I feel because I want to spare him pain.  HOW we can work improving our sex life, is the question we all seem to be asking on this forum.  Retarded ejaculation, from what I've been reading, is a complex emotional issue and difficult to cure.  AND the guy has to be willing to try.   I'm going to ask my therapist to recommend a sex therapist and then broach the subject about going.  Tonight, in bed, he started rubbing my back, but when I tried to do the same for him, he got angry -- said he doesn't like it.  Wait 'till he hears about the therapist.  I'm sure he'll love that.  So I got up, wandered over to the computer, and after 11 stupid years it occurred to me to look on the internet to see if I was alone.  I started out crying as I wrote this long-*** post but it's also been cathartic.  4AM.  I'm going back to bed.  PS. To the lady whose husband masturbates rather than sleeps with her, I don't know if the following is of any relevance to you or of any help insight-wise:  But I had a girlfriend who experienced a similar situation, and her boyfriend admitted to her that it was easier for him to do because there was no emotional connection to deal with -- nobody to worry about pleasing other than himself.  I have to give the guy credit for figuring it out and admitting it because that then gave them something to work with.

[isitme]

I feel like I have finally connected with someone who has the same problem as myself.   I have been married for about 9 years and thought that sex was good.  but my husband I think thinks it stinks.  Is not interested and who knows what.  he is a good man and I know that he isn't cheating., He does masterbate, I am very sure, but has no interest      Massages were a way of arrousal for him, if he had given me one, but not any longer no massages for me.   I am at my wits end on what to do to solve this.   Help!

[pch1]

A spouse or partner refusing sex could mean that they are cheating, and that relationship is over, but not necessarily. I'm in a long term relationship, and I'm really not into sex anymore. It gets old after awhile. I also take Propecia, which kills libido. I don't cheat, and I don't want to break up. I would simply rather go out to dinner or work out than have sex. I wish I had more interest in sex, but two people rarely have the same sex drive.  I'm still in love, I don't want to break up. If the relationship breaks up because of this, than so be it, but I am not "abusive" because I'm not into sex.