Chronic insomnia and despression

[Algis]

Well hello, this is my first and possibly the last topic regarding my problem with insomnia.

I've always had insomnia to some degree, however this past year it became chronic ( haven't slept at all or I black out and don't even remember for the past 4 months, if not more ), and because of it ( I hope ) I feel very depressed and can't get ready for exams at all.

I am 20 year old, smoking, enjoying alcohol ( even though stopped completely 2 months ago ) and doing no drugs what so ever. Smoking however is a big issue because my step-father taught me how to smoke when I was 8 and with some "friends" I've been smoking since then which is horrible. I used to abuse alcohol with my good friends father, drinking at least 5 liters of beer per day till I get drunk to just crash and sleep, but that stopped around 2 years ago.

Now regarding the insomnia itself, the reason I added chronic to the title is because I can't sleep no matter what I do. And i mean litterly, no matter what I do. I've tried almost everything, the medicine doesn't help at all, only makes my brain work worse than it already is, it being impossible to even understand simple equations. I try to go to bed at 11 o'clock and usually spend my time looking at the clock every 30-60 minutes because I always hope that I slept a little. I feel exhausted, however I force myself to work out and socialize with people. I don't think you need much more info on this case. Simply can't sleep while being more awake in 9-12 o'clock in the evening and extremely sleepy during 9-11 in the morning. Only thing that gets me to sleep is getting **** drunk and blacking out, which doesn't really help with the "feeling good" factor.

Regarding depression which I think should be normal considering my current situation. Insomnia was probably just a trigger.I lost my spet-father when I was 12, I was even kind of happy because he was a very strict and good man who only wished me good, but I was simply too young to understand. I've lost my father ( biological )_ when I was 16, it didn't hit me very hard because parents were divorced and he was an extreme alcoholic and liked to abuse my mother while i was too little to understand. However the biggest mystery was when my mother died when I was 19 years old ( two days before my 20th birthday ) due to a failed operation on her tumor in the brain. I haven't cried once, hell I don't even remember the last time I cried in my life. I felt sadness, however few days later I was already back on my normal day cycle. I never talk about my problems with any of my friends or even people I don't know, so I feel like internet is the only place I can talk about my problems. Right now I feel so bad about not having enough of sleep that I feel like crying or even committing suicide ( no I am not brave enough to even attempt it ). Only family i have left is my aunt ( which I moved in with ) who lives in a different country with her foreighner fiance, or how you spell it. He is probably trying to help me by giving me advice and everything, but he's being irrationally strict ( and I am a nice person to everyone, so I really just can't say no and go **** yourself with your ****ed up ideals, pardon my language ) and I need to keep in good terms with him since he helps me with physics and math, him being a phd physicist ( engineering stuff ). My aunt has problems of her own and has a mental condition which causes her to over-react to anything ( don't remember the name ). So I am left to myself, in a country with a different language I don't know. I stated to my aunt and her fiance that I am leaving in summer to go back to my country ( i have an apartment ), since studying by ecstern ( self study through distance ) is hell before exams and I might even need to repeat a year because of that.

So I am open to any advice, by any individual. Thank you in advance.

PS : Not sure if this means something, but when I was in elementary school I got a bit bullied, however since then I've really worked my way up to the point where I am respected by everyone in any school ( I transffered a lot ) and those who don't respect me, I sitll respect their opinion to some degree, but have never anyone tried to pick a fight with me or anything.

[allmymarbles]

I don't think potassium iodide is expensive. You can get it at your local pharmacy. If I remember correctly they filled a bottle for me from a larger supply. So no fancy advertising or packaging - and no shipping.

[Algis]

Thank you for the comment and advice, I will try to search it up on the internet and if I can afford it, i'll buy it. It's always nice to know I am not alone, just like for anyone. Someone sharing their experience helps to add up to others experience, that way more people can help more people.

Thank you and let's hope it will kick me back in the dream world! =D